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Mood Disorder Community
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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 Posted - 03/13/2012 : 13:47:31
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Given the contribution you have added to the group, I am positive they would think you have a good reason for your absence.
Perhaps you could later sit down with your partner, when feeling better and thank him for his concern and just reassure him how much the group does mean to you. No doubt control issues arise between the best of us.
Sometimes when we feel so wound up and out of control, its best to do the opposite. I mean you feel very angry at his reaction and you know how negative this is making you feel and obviously don't like it...which is why you have not told him to F^%ck off ... yet.
You know yourself how much the group means to you and that that your spouses over reaction in more likely fueled by some kind of automatic control function that he himself is struggling with ... or whatever...BUT don't allow "it" (the issue "not your hubby")to destabilize the positive gains you have made from your huge efforts thus far.
Just give him some of the positive feed back you have given us, and let him know just how much the group does mean, that you absence has nothing to do with avoidance and leave it at that.
Try not to focus on the control issues at this stage...you know they are not your own. Try to understand how all that works. Like how some people although they push you to get better, don't know how to respond once you have moved on and conquered that one aspect...or how they are not used to seeing you move forward with such peace...Others peoples success can be hard to follow at times in these unbalanced relationships.
I do know though from my own experiences, that just trying to understand the others perspective can really help, in not going off the deep end, and that by doing the opposite...not always outwardly as I have suggested in this instance, but even just inwardly...can stop us from making things worse for ourselves.
My summery and two cents worth, is to accept the reaction ... turn the tables to prove to yourself, just how important the group really is and help your partner to see just how, unwarranted his concerns our, with the positive feedback you have given us and in time, as you continue to handle such reactions as so...he will either see the good and be content with that, or will struggle in his own anxiety with such a change over time, in which can only be dealt with time itself and your own efforts to turn that into whatever.
I try very hard to foster what good I can out of such an invested relationship and use the hardships to grow from. Perhaps a more understanding perspective is to realize during these life long struggles, that such cycles can get tiresome for both parties involved and we simply forget, in which direction we are heading now, but we are still tightly bound in an instinctual need ... which keeps us together...well... most of us.
Whilst it can be hard at times, I am still thankful for having someone regardless of autopilot or sheer compassion, (perhaps both) that is able to steer me on the right direction...I just have to remind them from time to time...that we are no longer on that road, that if they could please turn the page of the road map, then we can move on in the right direction together.
Hang in there Diesel 
Moving On... |
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 03/13/2012 : 21:01:49
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Dave thank you for your insights. You are an intellectual guru! You give me hope! You understand me better than some of my "friends" and we haven't even met in person. I'm astounded at the insights you have into my personality. I learned today in group that we both have passive aggressive personality traits. We push each others buttons, we lay guilt trips on each other and play games. When my counsellor started to delve into passive aggressive personality traits the light bulb went on!! I could see myself in those traits as well as my husbands. I couldn't believe I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
It's is definitely time for me to move on from having to use these manipulative behaviors. I use these postures conciously and unconciously. I must be aware of my behaviors. My husband is still acting very juvenile about yesterday. He picked me up from group and really tried to get under my skin. Now it was time to use my new found knowledge to my benefit. I told him frankly that I didn't like the way he was treating because of an innocent mistake. I just said when you want to treat me properly I will talk to you and left it at that. When I got home later this evening after grocery shopping he tried his manipulative behaviors on me once again. And once again I didn't let him push my buttons. He tried a guilt trip on me and I told him not to treat as such. I just went in my room and played my guitar! He watched TV for awhile. Then all of a sudden he wanted to converse with me. I was conducive to carrying on a conversation with him. He kept it short and sweet letting me know that he was still mad but I just went back and played guitar. I am definitely ready for change. I have all the hand outs from therapy and will put them to use. It's funny when your ignorant of some of the games people play how your very own perspective on how to handle certain situations changes. I found that when I'm assertive and respect him as a person and and am willing to discuss in an adult way how his reactive ways aren't so reactive anymore.
I won't be able to change me in the blink of an eye. It's a process. I have to learn to change me and change how I let others treat me. It's a task I'm up for though because I get positve feedback rather than nasty soul cutting words flung me.
Going to therapy is one of the best things that I could of ever done for myself. It has given me a insight into myself that I wasn't aware of before.
I don't if I told you but I'm studying meditation and today I actually felt very relaxed. I actually could of gone of to sleep and didn't want to get up and to group exercise. I could feel my body and mind relaxing. I will try this when I try to go to sleep tonight. I know this will too take some work on my part.
I felt a little ashamed to admit to all of the medication that I'm on(stigma once again rears it's ugly head) but one of the group said to me if you had a heart condition you would take the meds to help you. This is exactly the same sitation only mental.
I must admit that I'm still haveing trouble with my binge drinking. It is damaging my relationship with my hubby. I find that ever couple of months that I'm drawn just to get wasted and want to escape. I know if I'm drunk or half in the bag that know no one is going to ask me to do anything. I need to get away from people always wanting stuff from me or for me to do something for them. Namely my family are like this. I don't mine doing a few things for them but they should be aware that they should be more self sufficient and not depend on Mom so much. I have a fantasy of coming home from work one day and dinner is all layed out for me and I don't have to lift a finger. I think I will politely let my family know that this would be a wonderful thing they could do for me have being work all day; What do you think? I really feel a special bond with you Dave and value your input more then the forum "golden boy" You know who I mean.
Thank for you kindness and your support Dave. Your one of my best freinds
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 03/14/2012 : 05:36:56
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Hi diesel. Just a quick note as its late. I'll respond later also when I have time. I just want you to know, that I am getting just as much insight from yourself. Very much so.
I really don't know the answers, but just trying to make sense out of your issues is really helping my situation too. Just as you are struggling with drinking, I struggle with my negative attitude and behavioural problems. However, we do both have a very similar positive attitude towards our current recovery efforts, based on honesty, determination and integrity...just to name a few 
I really Appreciate your openness. Like yourself, I have sounded off many times in the social room in just the same tone...your ability to suck it up and move on, in the fashion you do...really is inspiring. I can bet there are a good deal many members, that respect your efforts and the way you handle yourself. Despite the recent ups and downs on MT ... it's definitely been worth working through it all...wouldn't you agree
Once again...its late...will check my thread in the morning and think more on your response here. You are doing well...really well...I appreciate your gratitude as well and the feeling is mutural.
Keep us all posted...was glad to read about your interest and efforts with meditation. Going to wind down myself now.
Later.
Moving On... |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 03/14/2012 : 15:17:47
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Just going through both sets of texts now Diesel...will take me a whiles as I formulate what's spinning in my head...nice to see you on.
Edit...you handled that stigma situation really well!!!
I think it would be a good idea to tell your family how you are feeling. Picking the right time is not my best specialty though. I think just as you handled the elevator situation, perhaps persist a little more with your husband in the way you have been. Just be careful not to get arrogant about things, as you feel a little more independent with your developing copping mechanisms.
Forgive me if that did not come out right. You definitely sounding like your heading in the right direction on that score. Here's another analogy:
It's good to get on the high ground from time to time...but for those of us who rarely make it up there; its easy to see how one can become overwhelmed. Try to remember your motives for getting up there. If you can remain true to you intentions, its going to be easier to be remain calmer through the journey and more able to take on board, the new sense of freedom and feeling of peace as well as the ability to sustain such a perspective. However if rise to quickly, we will be overcome with the high of it all; leaving us to forget were we came from and how quickly we can fall. In such situations, whilst we think we have gained a new perspective that encompasses self worth, confidence and the like...its easy to become overbearing, selfish and or domineering, without realizing it or even meaning to be.
I'm just bouncing the ball around here Diesel...hope you don't mind. MORE TO THE POINT ... It really stuck out at me, when you made mention about the relationship between ignorance and perspective. BINGO!!! This really is an art; if only we could master that. Keeping your intentions positive, with attributes such as assertiveness, respect and openness is a sure winner. I need to do the very same...You are right though...more often than not, if done right ... it is a very effective way of dealing with Overbearing, disrespectful and closed minded "situations" This is a perfect example of how focusing on the opposites, of all those negatives emotions that we are trying so hard to overcome...is simply the only way to go.
This also makes me think of the many whom have no real remorse or loose feeling for whatever reason, but remain "stable enough" to play with emotions which makes them appear to be something they are not...these people are deceptive and manipulators...somthing of a topic worth investigation later. ... hmmmm call me paranoid...but I think there is a relevant context here, which we should be guarded against with reference to those that stigmatize us. They can see we are struggling, or when they do ... just be aware of these types and you will be more ready for such "crossings?"...Just a tip is all...I am still very guarded when I go out it all. A trust thing with the world and all that...for the moment I am handling it...I just think it's worth mentioning to be on guard with such types is all.
It's good stuff and I really appreciate you sharing this once again.
That's about it for me now...once again I might just leave my Blog go for now...hope you don't mind me having responded a little bit of this and that all in here...might just cheat and say..."responded in yours...la la la....
Have a good night and all that.
Take care all.......................Once again....it's been a trip. 
Edit again...lol...just saw your comment below...Happy playing!
Moving On... |
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 03/14/2012 : 15:29:06
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Hey Dave whenever you get around to things. Take your time. I just got in the door from work!
I just got a new kick *ss guitar course. I will be playing all night long now! I have been waiting for this for a while. Damned gov't mail employees! It took weeks to get here.
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 03/18/2012 : 02:33:27
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How are you Diesel? ... what's happening. Hope everything is alright?
Moving On... |
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 03/19/2012 : 21:09:44
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Hey Dave! Sorry to be late in reply. I'm just flippin' exhausted! I have been burning the midnight oil. Doing double shifts and such.
I screwed up royally though. Just when I was gaining some ground I f***ed up big time.
I went with a friend to see Van Halen but before the concert we went to a bar! Big mistake. I had 1 beer. It was a big one though and I started to feel a slight glow. It took me almost 2 hours to consume this! Should of stopped dead there in my tracks. On our way to the concert, we walked together we had a vodka and ginger which my friend brought in a sports cup. The kind with the plastic cap on. I was so wrapped up in the thrill of the moment. Outside the venue the crowd was just rocking on to the sounds of VH! Oh ya I was in a great mood. I was going to see my idol. Their name in flashing lights on the marquee! I totally blocked out what I was doing to myself. I was setting myself up for failure but turned a deaf ear to my inner voice and a blind eye to the devil that was sitting on my left shoulder saying ya just party. Because I'm a fly weight it doesn't take much for me to get drunk on. We each had another beer inside the venue. I was getting higher and higher just caught up watching Eddie rip on his guitar. I was dancing and having such a good time. By the time everything was over I was drunk. I could still walk and talk. I remember coming home and passing out! I had to get up 7 for work. I called in and said I didn't feel well. My hubby came marching into the room and demanded I go to work and live up to my responsibilities. I did go to work but I was late.
To make a long story short, the ground that I gained last week went to hell in a hand basket. My husband is livid with me. He makes me regret every waking moment. I feel remorseful but he's just making the situation unbearable. I ask myself why do I keep on screwing this up? I don't have an answer! I just feel like a total loser! He keeps on saying to me that you'll never stop drinking! I can't get rid of this little devil sitting there smiling on my shoulder. He's grinning ear to ear! I really hate what is happening! I'm starting to spiral downward and I really have to put up a net somewhere before I fall to the ground. I'm going to group therapy tomorrow so I think I will talk with my counsellor one on one and see what resolutions we can come up with. Remorse can be so cruel. The emotional crap that I'm putting myself through is eating me alive! I hate me right now!
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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| lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
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Posted - 03/24/2012 : 00:30:12
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HI guys,
Just me.
I recall my 'drinking days' fondly.
What stopped me, was having my GP tell me I had liver damage.
That stopped me in my tracks.
Got rid of every drinking friend. and really didn't miss it.
Of course, I am using prescription drugs to manage my moods,
which is sort of cheating.
I am fortunate, that I don't crave alcohol.
Pills are another story.
PPSS- I notice, social getherings are hard to manage, with out a drink.
PPSSS- pills and drinking cna be fatal.  |
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 03/24/2012 : 06:59:49
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Thanks Lynn for coming to visit me! I feel like a stranded person here on a desert island! Dave is off to another forum and I don't know when I will see heads or tails of him. I really like him! He's very smart and intellectual and I value his input! I miss him. He will be back though!
In a social situation I don't really need a drink and just turn a blind eye to those that do! It's not all that hard for me to do. It just seems when everyone is pulling me apart wanting me to do things for them that I just want to shut down completely. This only happens every couple of months! No one can ask me to do something for them when I'm passed out on the bed. I really have a had a hard time saying no to my family. I have to try and say "no" more often! It's such a foreign word to me. I almost think I'm bordering martyr status which is a passive aggressive personality posture! I don't think I score "brownie points" or anything by going the distance. I'm a doer and think with my heart not my brain!
Last night when I got home from work everyone was getting antsy because they were hungry. So I made home made pizza! It was the easiest thing to make given that I was exhausted from work! No one wanted it so I said then look after yourselves if you don't like pizza I make. That's saying no in a very assertive way! I have to learn to do this more often. It's so hard to change your reactive inclinations when your not used to doing so. Going to group therapy though has helped a great deal with this though!
This night that I went to the concert with my friend just "begged me" to go against the grain of rational thinking and just "party". So I did! I knew exactly what I was doing! I'm 100% to blame for my own downfall.
I need to seriously make a commitment! I find that a really tough thing though!
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 03/28/2012 : 22:46:11
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Diesel, I am very sorry to hear about this......also that I have been bogged down with myself. I will reply better at a later time making it my first port of call.
In the mean time keep focused on what counts.\Back later.
Moving On... |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 03/30/2012 : 07:00:31
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Diesel...have things picked up at all...How are you traveling at the moment???
Moving On... |
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 03/30/2012 : 19:04:21
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Nope the hubby is ruling my life with an iron fist!
He's so angry calling me hurtful and spiteful names. Don't know how much longer I can stand this!
I'm so unbearably sad! I'm just going to play my guitar for a while and then go to sleep. F*ck him! What a a**hole!
e
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 03/30/2012 : 21:40:33
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Sounds like some down time might be just what you need. Try to ride it out whilst you don't have the energy to stand ... go with the flow and don't think about where its may or may not lead.
I hope your able to get to shore soon.
Moving On... |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 04/03/2012 : 07:04:48
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How are you??????
Let me know what happens at the next meeting or how it goes ... whatever meeting ... by the way:
Moving On... |
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 04/03/2012 : 21:06:20
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Thanks Dave I will let you know! I'm so terribly embarrassed by this turn of events. I know in the end it will be for the better.
I feel totally stupid now. Something someone said in social. Am I stupid or what? Am I even remotely intelligent? I ask myself this. I have such great self doubt. Some people should be careful of what they say!
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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