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 the Good, the Bad, and the rest of the story...
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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
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Posted - 05/13/2012 :  08:39:32  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
the Good: 1) I'm back with my friends on MT
2) I took out 1 cart load of trash (6 bags)
3) Made it the grocery store
4) Have started a load of laundry
5) Have reloaded the cart with trash for tomorrow
6) Brought in a load from the car

the Bad: 1) Only got 1 cart load of trash out to dumpster
2) Didn't get anything done last week when I was off 3 days
3) Keep putting off til tomorrow...
4) I am off my diet

...and the rest of the story:

Worked last night and have to work tonight, so I have to get to bed soon. So far, Dad has fallen twice this year, been in the hospital twice this year, and been in rehab twice this year. Now he is in the Alzheimer's unit where he is living. My brother...well, that is better saved for later, as I don't have time to get that out right now. Let me just say...ARRRGH!!!

I am out of control this year, on most fronts, and need to get it together ASAP.

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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Sadgirl
Super Member (250+ posts)

847 Posts
Gratitude: 215
Very caring

Posted - 05/13/2012 :  12:47:45  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Sounds like you got quite a bit done! Last week? We all have those weeks when things have to wait for a better time! I have issues with that too, I am still procrastinating on the housework but did get the ironing and food shopping done today.

Cheryl
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Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115

Posted - 05/13/2012 :  15:03:37  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
FLMgirl don't worry about the small stuff in life. It will get done. It will still be there tomorrow. That's the way I look at stuff. I procrastinate just like anyone else. I just do alot less of it as my OCD gets in my way.

It's just not worth worrying about. Get done what you can get done and give your self a shiny gold star for it. Seriously don't worry. It's not worth the energy you expend worrying about it.

I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less!
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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
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Posted - 05/15/2012 :  23:40:06  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Sadgirl and Diesel,

Thanks for your comments. I wish I had a bit more OCD in me than I do. And then there is the perfectionist problem...which just makes it hard for me to even start a project without having time to finish it, and to finish it just so. That may partly come from my parents and even my sister having me do a task, then redoing it themselves, or having me redo it while they tell me each step of how it "should" be done...shich I realize is THEIR way of doing it. We all know there is more than 1 way to clean up the kitchen. But for them, it is their way is the only way.

If it were just last week that I didn't get anything done, I wouldn't stress over it too much, but this is an ongoing, struggle all my life. Well, at least since I have lived on my own. Growing up, and when living with my folks, I had to keep my room clean, and help clean the house and stuff.

Living on my own, well, I rarely clean, and have hoarding issues. I have been in this apt. for about 1.5 years, and have never had any friends or family come visit. It has never been neat enough. Not to my standards, certainly not to theirs.

The thing is, that I am feeling more and more pressure to get this place cleaned up. I live in fear of being found out by others, and expecially by the apt. mgrs. I really like my apt. and its' location, and do not want to move or be thrown out. When I sleep during the day, I get up in the late afternoon, and the first thing I do is check outsidee the front door to see if there is a notice that they will be coming in my apt. the next day. When there has been a notice, I spend the rest of the day, and all night making the place presentable, and covering up the problems. I have put both stuff to keep and trash, and dirty dishes into boxes around the room, as if I am still unpacking, and I have hidden bags of trash in closets. Then I just clean the parts that can't be hidden from sight.

Part of me thinks that if I could just get it all cleaned up and put away just so, then it would be easier on the whole, and that it would straighten out all the other parts of my life. Not likely, but without the additional worry, well that would be nice.

the Good:
1) I blogged, meaning it is out here for others to see...
2) had a doctor thank me for using sound judgement by not taking out a tube out of a pt.

the Bad:
1) I didn't get anything done yesterday, except sleep and survived a tough night at work.


"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
Very caringVery wiseVery honestI agree

Posted - 05/16/2012 :  14:41:47  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi FLMgirl.
You know that I work nights just like you. I know what it is like to be so damn tired that you get NOTHING done. I think it is part of the opportunity cost of having a more peaceful job working nights. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is how I do it:

First I don't expect myself to do alot on my days that I work. Given I have adopted son living with me...I do clean up his mess each morning...which usually means washing dishes for a second or loading or unloading dish washer. That is about all I do except for check MT before I crash. Before I go to work, I do two things: always always make my bed (it keeps me neat), and pack some chow for work. I find that is all I MAKE myself do. Occasionally I do accomplish more, but not often. (of course my work day is 12.5 hours at work with 45 minutes drive each way so I don't have lots of time after sleeping hours)

On my days off, including the day that I get off work from working all night, I do my best to make plans for what I wish to accomplish during that time off. I make my list but don't put it on a time line. I try to get it done in the beginning so that it doesn't weigh on me. I also try to give myself as much time to lounge as possible. I don't watch tv ever...as it is a big waste of time so I gave it up.

I am not a hoarder by nature, but that doesn't mean that there isn't crap around my house. Having adopted son means there is always a mess to clean. Especially the bathrooms. I clean them every week without fail and empty garbage. Laundry every 2 weeks. I don't do yard work...and I avoid grocery stores as I can. I don't tend to shop at stores except as a treat every month or so. I find it is rare that I collect things when I don't shop much. I make sure that I donate to Goodwill quarterly. (that might work for you too).

All I am saying is...is that your hoarding or lack of getting rid of garbage for whatever reason may really be what is GETTING YOU STRESSED. I find that clutter really gets to me. I just completely avoid it at all costs.

You seem to have a bit of trouble with that a bit like Lynn and Rainbow have indicated before....do you have any ideas of what could help you be more organized. I know in my case that telling myself to accomplish a whole bunch of things in a few days tends to overwhelm me. So perhaps you could avoid that.

Anyway, I will be happy to tell you more about what I do if you are interested. I try at all costs to avoid being more stressed that I am. Being as organized and clean as possible helps.

Sincerely
Jody
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lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
Very caringVery wiseVery funnyVery honestI agree

Posted - 05/17/2012 :  18:26:29  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
(((((((Leigh)))))))

It is SO GOOD to have you BACK with US !
I have been worried sick about you
Kept thinking sad thoughts, about your life.
Am glad to hear your Dad is OK.

Leigh me thinks you are way too hard on yourself.
My heart goes out to you big time.

Hoarding, I love it !
What I mean is, I love my stuff around me where I can SEE it, and having a neat tidy house is a bit unsettling,
er, maybe not but keeping a home neat and tidy is hard
Oh I don't know, I am just SO GLAD you are BACK !!!!!

BIG HUGS !!!!!!!!!

You are number one, everything will work out Leigh.

One chore per day, is doable,
When we try to do too much we get swamped.

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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
Very caringVery honest

Posted - 05/18/2012 :  10:05:03  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Jody, and Lynn! Thanks for your replies. I truly appreciate the support, and ideas, and your thoughts. Seems like we can always seem someone else than we can see ourselves.

I do want to respond more to both of your posts, there are several good points in them, but I have to be on the road out of town, in 3 hrs and 59 minutes to make it to Leo-land. Part of me wonders if I saw Leo would I recognize him, even though I did see a picture of him once. But I am not always good about seeing THE tree in the forest...

More when I get back. Thanks guys!

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115

Posted - 05/18/2012 :  11:29:45  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
My motto is ...............

If I can't get it done today it will be there tomorrow with just a bit more added dust.

I donate to Goodwill. The boys old clothes which are still in good condition. Stuff like that.

If you could see my basement though OMG you would think I was a compulsive hoarder. We have 3 estates in our basement and spread throughout the house. My hubby's grand step mom, his aunts and his mom and dads. We have gotten rid of so much. Yard sales, ebay etc. I feel like throwing it all in the trash but he has an emotional attachment to it so I can't. It would be a very cruel thing to do. I understand where he's coming from but we do have a beautiful family room and now it's just cluttered from floor to ceiling with sh*t not to speak of a 10 X 12 storage unit that's full.

I hate clutter. I'm a neat freak. My husband says he likes things clean but he's not obsessive like myself!

I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less!
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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
Very caringVery honest

Posted - 06/09/2012 :  00:34:16  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
The rest of the story...

Dad is now on hospice. By this afternoon, he will have been without real hydration for one week. He has just had sips in during this time. He has been aspirating food into his lungs when he eats. The solution, would be a feeding tube which he doesn't want. So, he is here at the hospice house.

Thankfully, he is calm, and breathing is even and unlabored, and his pain appears to be under control with a pain patch.

On the other side of this coin, my niece just had her second child today.

flmgirl

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
Very caringVery wiseVery honestI agree

Posted - 06/09/2012 :  14:20:12  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
quote:
Originally posted by FLMgirl

The rest of the story...

Dad is now on hospice. By this afternoon, he will have been without real hydration for one week. He has just had sips in during this time. He has been aspirating food into his lungs when he eats. The solution, would be a feeding tube which he doesn't want. So, he is here at the hospice house.

Thankfully, he is calm, and breathing is even and unlabored, and his pain appears to be under control with a pain patch.

On the other side of this coin, my niece just had her second child today.

flmgirl

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev




Hi Leigh

So good to hear from you. I am sorry that your father is doing so poorly. But as you probably know, Hospice care is some of the best....From the best of my memory...dehydration isn't particularly painful to the person experiencing it. So having your company around is probably quite comforting to him.

HOW are YOU doing?

Jody
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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
Very caringVery honest

Posted - 06/13/2012 :  12:41:30  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Jody,

You're right, the Hospice team was great. The nurses, assistants, doctor, social workers, were terrific (except maybe one nurse). They all made us feel as Dad was treated well to his very dying moment. Dad died at 0240 on June 11.

Thanks to the continued low census at work, I was able to be there with him. They had turned him maybe 20 minutes before, and he appeared calm, with regular though noisy breathing. All the previous day, he had started having more secretions, and rattly breathing. I was reading him some prayers for the dying, when his breatrhing got quiet, and I looked over to see his last couple breaths.

You asked, how I am doing? You know as nurses, we are good at being strong for our patients and their families. So, I have had a hard time being not so strong, and allowing others to be strong for me.

Then, there is the fact that I don't cry so well in front of others, not even family members. That is a learned behavior from childhood. Never let them see you cry. If you pretend that it doesn't hurt, then they can't hurt you, and/or maybe they will leave you alone.

My sister wants me right away to let Hospice help me out, or to see a p-doc and get back on meds. She is worried I will fall into a big hole and never resurface. I told her that is appropriate to grieve, to want some time alone, and that I want to try to wing it on my own for a bit. I think I will know when I am in danger of the getting to close to the drop off.

Meds are not always a solution. Besides, it seems they would take a while to work, and when I was on effexor, they just dulled all my emotions, and I wasn't even able to cry for things and people I lost. Besides, I have a better support group than I thought I did. For one thing, my sister (who I thought was previously mad at me) is available by phone and email, and will be back down here next week. And my cousin (who lost her dad, my uncle, about a year ago) and a best friend (only 2 hrs away) will also be up visiting on Sunday, and of course, my MT friends, and even a couple co-workers. I think with this many people having my back, I am in pretty good shape.

I called my mgr today, and am off now this week, and then off the day of the memorial service in about 11 days. All I have next week is some computer classes for our new computer system. But I think that will be ok, as it will be full of things to learn, and won't be about me having to deal with other peoples emotions, relationships, and needing to be strong for anyone but myself.

Thank you for asking Jody. Self-introspection always helps me. And I especially appreciate that as a fellow nurse, you understand that aspect. And, I appreciate your friendship.

Leigh

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)

1521 Posts
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Posted - 06/14/2012 :  22:02:17  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
FLMgirl,
I'm so sorry to hear about your father.
My heart goes out to you.

Singing Willie Nelson to him in your
own words, what a wonderful way
to say goodbye. How privileged he was
to have such a fine daughter as you .



Linda


The true person lies beneath the skin.
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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
Very caringVery honest

Posted - 06/14/2012 :  22:45:01  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Thank you Linda, for the support, the kind words,
and coming by. It really means alot, and I appreciate it.

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115

Posted - 06/16/2012 :  20:41:56  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Leigh I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.

What a wonderful daughter you were and are!

Never easy to see someone you love pass away. It's actually agony depending on ones perception of death. I just get mentally blown away by this life process everytime. I just can't deal with it like some others.

I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less!
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FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
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Posted - 06/16/2012 :  21:31:00  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Diesel, thanks for the support, and kind, caring words.
I really appreciate. You are right, it is not easy to
lose someone. It is the littles of things that makes me
tear up, a song, or even the tone of a song, or remembering something that needs to be done now that he is gone.

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
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jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
Very caringVery wiseVery honestI agree

Posted - 06/17/2012 :  17:52:23  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSbqm7ZK_9s&feature=fvwrel


Thinking of you Leigh, I remember losing someone that mattered the world to me. I hope you find some comfort.

Sincerely

Jody
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