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Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 02/04/2012 :  13:39:12  Show Profile  Visit Davekyn's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Now that's a popular topic. I can only smile because I wish to remain hopeful as I look for my new home out of the social forum. Seems there has been a much needed shake down in there. Whilst it may of been needed, I fear its pushed a few people a little further back than I would of liked...none the less, I am sure we will find each other.

It's also come at a bad time for me ... I was actually doing rather well...or at least I thought; before I over reacted to the bickering in Jody's thread.


Excuse...but something of a sore point for me as I have copped this treatment often in religious groups all my life - Being shunned:

Something else I am going to give up now, is this being shunned thing that some senior members feel the need to do. Well that is how it feels and its another story which I'll fathom into during this thread of mine...a ploy that those in higher positions exploit in order to control or set the boundaries...it's not longer a "nip in the bud...but has become quite painful...I'm so over it now...but don't mind putting it out on a platter for what it has become...or lets get it straight..."as I see it" I've tried reaching out to make peace...But No reply on that score there.
__________________________________________________


I can't remember if it coincides with this same time but I had a Major Panic Attack on Fri at work:

My co-worker seemed to of vanished on me! I was already unsure of things and when I could not find my co-worker I felt alienated to some degree and began to panic. I marched about the apartment complex in desperate search. I did not at that stage want to call out for fear of making a scene...he had taken the rather loud 2 stroke whipper sniper and as I could not hear it, feared he was avoiding me...I remember he had told me of some guy he knew in the complex and I felt annoyed that he might of disappeared in there...

I jumped into the Ute and drove up to the next Job quite angrily, then got even more irate as I could not find the job which was only around the corner...eventually after some time I found it virtually right in front of me...I got myself into an awkward position with the trailer and rage began to set in as I started swearing and flaying my arms about ... I tried my best to calm down and eventually backed up and ignored the stared as people looked in to see the raving lunatic I had become.

Once I got out and checked the trailer for the whipper sniper I needed to start the Job...it suddenly dawned on me, that my co-worker had taken it...again my anxiety sky rocketed and I tore down the street, trailer and all...thankful to know I could at least find my way back around the corner...I pulled up with hand on Horn for several, very loud & alarming seconds...then repeatedly bashed the horn some more. Just about every one made an appearance out of their apartments...except for my co-worker!

Now with so many looking my way, I was careless as to who thought what, about this mornings crazy Gardner who now glazing at their stares. Still...no co-worker...What to do...I reached for my phone then has another spaz attack as I then realized my account was suspended and the since credit I had enable...was now depleted...ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Think...think God Damn it...whom am I going to call anyway...DOH!!! You don't need this JOB!!! Look at what it is doing to you....Drive GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....where to, where to....OK....Your friends that Cambodians....they owe you a few favors...YEA!!!! there good people and will, understand...USE THEIR PHONE...

I gathered my thoughts and managed to find my way back. As I flew along the road, the trailer bounced along with ride on ramp crashing and banging plus all the tie downs flaying in the air with the same strange looks I had been getting earlier on.

I arrived in the shopping center and quickly gathered myself to show the respect I always do, when greeting my elders ... It was so good to see her face with that smile always so sincere looking at me ... despite the frustration that sometimes set in with relationships ... The genuine and heartfelt respect I get back from this couple helps to quell the pain that exists in me...

I took a breath and explained I needed to use her phone as I had a work emergency ... I later stumbled out of the shop swearing to my boss this and that...rant rant rant...some power guys were hanging of a pole above and a few council workers to the left of...all were giving me filthy looks but looked the other way as I clearly took on the attention and began to adopt a psychotic posture ... ready to explode ... but sense enough to keep it at a tether ... Some guy in the tattoo shop attempted to stare me down ... I knew the guy ... He was an asshole in my friends shop previously and I really felt like egging him on....we both broke eye contact at the same time, however I don't think he will be mouthing off around me anytime soon....

Arrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhh.................Feeling very very dizzy, I distracted myself by helping my elderly female friend unload her plants for the day ... it felt like some of the tattoo attendees could see I was trying to calm down with the owner assisting me as I shakily asked if the trolley I was using had breaks...He is probably just a good bloke himself that helps the old lady out of respect.

I think I will just avoid the place for a whiles and use it to confront myself as I seemingly always do when I am feeling better.

Anyways...the Boss came down to meet me and show me the way back to the Job as I typically forgot,,,He then instructed me of this and that...but I had no idea...as following instruction is hard enough at the best of times.

My Boss...Has been building me up then critizing me...He told me I called leave that friday...I even checked with co-worker who agreed that was the date given when I gave notice...then that morning the Boss changed it to another full week......I felt ... I was sick of him saying one thing then doing another......

I Just got some blood tests because I have not been recovering from the work...that I have been getting dizzy and tripping on my feet towards the end of each day trailing up to my decision to give notice:

This weekend the boss wont leave me alone and buts in on Skype when I was talking with my other friend.....I just wanted space...but he criticized me some more telling me of my faults...I jumped in that useless piece of crap of his and had a friend follow me out of town as to return his equipment for once of for all.

Actually quite depleted now...but looking forward to regaining my strength...I am very anxious about being penalized by my employment agency with respect to getting some welfare assistance to help with ongoing living expenses............Life is a constant battle and I am sick of others who are doing better telling us how it is, why we are the way we are, and how they are so blessed....rar rar rar....

ANYWAYS.........................
So it is that I now find myself ... and seemingly more so all the time now ... that I go from simply lost,confused and frustrated to insane when under such pressure..........

However, I remain hopeful ... because al long as I keep trying no one can take that away from me. I must remember to follow up the referral I now have from Doctor...........Looking forward to talking with someone...I hope I get the right person...as although people can peg me for paranoid and overly sensitive....many of you know how easy it is to feel if a person cares or not...........just need someone who really cares...that's better than any graduated certificate!

Thanks for Listening.


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chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

7607 Posts
Gratitude: 912
Very caringVery wiseVery honest

Posted - 02/04/2012 :  14:08:56  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Dave, nice to see you here. I am not happy about moving from the social section but I must also.

Am reading over your post here and your boss sounds like a real Jerk!!! You do not deserve to be talked to like that. No one does!!! I don't blame you for giving notice.
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lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
Very caringVery wiseVery funnyVery honestI agree

Posted - 02/04/2012 :  15:05:00  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Well, senior or not, only by number of manic posts, BTW,
and length of time on the boards, NOT better than ANYONE I MUST ADD!

I too feel LOST.

Most of my posts were "whines" about my life.

The rest were add ons to others posts,
I enjoy the light hearted ones yep.

I also enjoy trying to comfort a member in need.

So, here we are, feeling LOST.

It'll work out,

AM sorry to hear about your panic attack Dave.
I have read your posts, To be honest,
my attention was soley on Sad Girl.

WHat the hell happened in social?

Sad Girl must really be feeling left out.

I am obssessed, with Sads situation.

Things will work out.

Not sure how long it will be before someone posts something non light hearted.

Maybe we need two social boards ?

argh.

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lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
Very caringVery wiseVery funnyVery honestI agree

Posted - 02/04/2012 :  15:07:17  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Sometimes things get worse before they get better.
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Rainbowfish
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

5628 Posts
Gratitude: 637
Very caringVery honest

Posted - 02/04/2012 :  16:33:08  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Dave! Ahhhhh, get my hopes up, I see you post
about a new home, so I come to see pics of maybe a new
garden, more chooks, maybe some goats........?
I hope you don't mind if I visit you, I may be a bit
scattered but what's new there?

Perhaps these topics will become more busy now, I'm not
sure what's going on, but I will always find my fellow
online friends and support them. You are often in my
thoughts.


"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

~RAINBOWFISH
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Juniper 5
Super Member (250+ posts)

875 Posts
Gratitude: 30

Posted - 02/04/2012 :  21:55:47  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Dave, it sounds like you're better off without that job. You don't need someone running you down like that (your boss I mean). And your health is more important anyway - feeling dizzy and such, that's not a good sign. The heat mustn't help with that. How hot is it there now? It's winter here so it must be summer there.... Not sure I like this division of the forums but will keep an open mind. Said I wasn't going to post in social for awhile anyway so now everyone has blogs I can talk to them again . Self imposed banishment - not sure what for - I was pissed off was all and everything going on was effecting me in a negative way. Happy to see you have a blog. Look forward to chatting with you some more. Juniper
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Sadgirl
Super Member (250+ posts)

847 Posts
Gratitude: 215
Very caring

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  02:22:42  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hello Davekyn

I am happy the pressure from the job is over, Can you relax now without playing the scenario over in your mind? I find that is a difficult processes after I have a confrontation...what I should of said, what they said, and work myself up all over again. Hopefully after a few days gone you will be able to breathe freely.
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Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  03:58:26  Show Profile  Visit Davekyn's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Thanked you all for supporting me. I did up a response, but main computer is offline, so will post in the morning. I,ve really missed you Rainbow! I hope Stigs, diesel and Khazz can make it some time, as well as painter, jayster, strangers,Leo and a few other.....g......i don't want much hey
/
Sadgirl, I hope your able to pop in tomorrow sometime...I would like to share my one and only speach I did....Jodartha helped me with it. It was an ice breaker for the toastmasters group I joined last year. I'm not with the group now, bt it was still a good experiance...I thought it might be a good way for you and anyone else to know a little more about me.

I look forward to sharing this when I get up and have breakfast ... I also responded to everyone else. As far as I can tell...its been the mist compasiinant people that took the aadvice and have since started posting elsewhere

stigs and Diesel...where are you guys!!!.

Moving On...
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Sadgirl
Super Member (250+ posts)

847 Posts
Gratitude: 215
Very caring

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  04:03:11  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Looking forward to the speech
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stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

24317 Posts
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Very caringVery wiseVery funnyVery honestI agree

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  04:59:21  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic







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lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
Very caringVery wiseVery funnyVery honestI agree

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  10:20:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
You are not INSANE Dave.
Please forgive my lack of input,
lately,
I have this damn operation coming up.
which will leave me, bed ridden.
and possibly in need of chemo,
if not now, maybe later down the road.

Parks work can be very, very hard especially in the heat and rain you have had.

It sounds like you tried to do too much, worked too hard.
I was in a Government run outfit.

I loved it at first, but, by the second year, I found it tedious, and back breaking.

I hope I get to read your speech,

lynn
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Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  13:00:42  Show Profile  Visit Davekyn's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Morning Guys...Thanks Lynn...not at all...you HAVE been here for me! I understand the time it takes to pot around for others as well...this I am trying to do myself...I think I will make a folder with links in my browser.....Going to check out some of the other guys now...but thanks again Lynn...all is good for now...
________________________________________________________
Last nights Post:

You make an excellent point Sad Girl and I will make it a point to relax doing the things that many in here know me for. Today I caught up on my own yard. I have not done it in over six weeks and boy oh boy...it’s going to take me a few days. I was listening to some 80’s music today as I worked away and I felt good about that. Thank you very much for popping into my thread. I shall do my best to remain as positive as I can be : )
Rainbow...oh Rainbow...LOL...for so long I have been wanting to say how I have missed your support. I know you have been without a computer and I have also been difficult at times...But I will NEVER forget how when I first came here...the generous way in which you supported me as well as many others...You definitely have a special way about you and I also know Stigs missed you very much as well...so many of us did.
More pigs of the animals hey ... now that would be good! Instead I have to give the chooks away...but I will still work out some type of veggie patch where ever I go. I will indeed put some pics to my blog and try to make them interesting as I can. I would be honoured Rainbow, if you could on occasion fit me into your schedule...I really have missed you heaps!!! : ( : )
Too Right Chelle ... He is! I have had to remove him from all my contact profiles online, as he just won’t leave me alone...But I have now completed that task...and looking towards better days now. I will also be looking out for you blog as well ... in some way, I am glad I am not the only one that felt the need to move on.
I kind of explained how I felt in Sad girls thread ...(sorry if I was out of line Sadgirl...but at least you can feel that just as Chelle explained so well...it had absolutely nothing to do with you...if anything...I feel that some slower folk like me, that will be unable to follow the traffic will miss out on meeting such growing opportunities as yourself...
You see ... Although I am not so switched on...when I do make the effort to read of others and see the compassion in such threads...it really inspires me on so many levels...which results in my getting a little deep and twisted I guess...but some people just find that kind of expression (ummmm......just genioune concearn I guess....a too overwhelming...........I don’t know...........
Guess I am just a sook hey....lol..............litttle boy lost..............well maybe, but I enjoy contributing on a simarlar level with regards to compassion, because even though I don’t really have much faith anymore...it was once the very essence in which help me keep calm in some very disturbing times...and that is like experiencing REAL pea ce!!!.........
So many times when I had no home to go too ... despite the stigmatizations and bad experiences of being homeless ... I came to that point often...remember that speech Jody helped me with......HHHHm mmmmmm, what was it called again..............Finding Self Esteem......FOUND IT:
But you know what..............I should of called it.....”Angles in Odour”
I would like to share this speech I made at toast masters once with you Sadgirl. Jodartha (Jody) helped me with it.
Before I share this...I want to also thank Juniper for popping in as well...I really liked the way you identified with what was going on...the weather is both hot and wet at the moment...but all is well : ) ... I really do hope you able to pop in from time to time...I will endeavour to chase up some of your own updates as well...I want to see some more masks not to mention your insight as well......Lynn...I can’t mention how much I have relied on you at times...not sure if you knew that...but in many ways...not that anyone could ever replace rainbow...you sure come close to that as well as have your own unique gift of compassion that I have been trying to adopt (ps...Thanks for the comment on my new photo...it is the stem of a dying flower...still beautiful hey : ) !!!...I only wish Stigs could make it as well as Diesel!!!........early days yet.................
OK Sadgril............here is a little about me.......and anyone else that might of missed it...It’s my first real speech ever and I presented it in front of about 15 strangers. Having pulled it out and now sharing it again...really helps me to be thankful with respect to my once faith...and in some ways till exists in me............Angles in Odour:

__________________________________________________________
Angles in Odour


Mr. Toast Master, Fellow Toast Masters:
I’ve been asked to give a 6 minute speech on three to four interesting aspects of my life that will give you, a better insight and understanding of me as an individual.

My name is David, I’m 42 years of age and with each passing day I am finding a little piece of self esteem.

I think you’ll understand when you consider my past.

I grew up without a father.

I was abused and saw my brother and sister abused in a government funded children’s home, recommended by the local church.

I was fostered out to a number of Christian families, going from one to the other.

Eventually I was shipped off to an isolated sheep station in the Far North QLD as a jackaroo… Where I was confused, lonely and treated harshly by the station master, until I was returned to my mothers, where upon, just like all the other, unsuccessful placements… I’d find myself coming and going again.


This pattern of rejection continued until I found myself living on the side of the road, having given up all hope; but to sing Sunday school songs in an attempt to console my loneliness.

Eventually I arrived in the City of Sydney, where I soon found many others, just like me.

Suffice to say, I struggled hard to fit in thereafter, and quickly found myself in a number of homeless shelters, juvenile homes, prisons and dealing with a host of drug and alcohol related issues which have plagued me and at various levels, continue to do so; to this very day.

However; I am pleased to say, that I have taken a number of constructive steps in order to overcome the typical and negative outcomes of such a traumatic past.

Since my journey to better myself, I have found many positive qualities that have helped me “endure” such a background, but none so more, than my strong desire to keep searching, to never give up, to always keep looking for that sunshine on a rainy day.

Looking Back I have to ask myself…”What kept me going?” If you would just take a moment to picture this…



You have no place to sleep, no place to eat and no place to call home. The homeless shelters are all full. You have no money, no food, you’re hungry. You’re lonely and you’re exhausted. You’re sleeping in back alley ways, you now smell, your look as if you just crawled out of a garbage bin, in fact, you just have. Your every moment is on full display. Some mornings you wake up to people kicking you. People look down at you, People sneer at you…from this point you have lost all sense of worth, you’ve lost all sense of self…you don’t know what’s real anymore…you’re become nothing more, than a bunch of twitching nerves in a bottomless pit of endless despair.

SO!!! I’ll ask it again…what kept me going!
“ANGELS IN ODOR”!

“Angles in odor” Is the name I now give to those whom, although no one cared for, they did for me. These people reminded me that no matter how bad things seemed, there was always somebody else, suffering much worse, yet who had the strength not only to endure, but did so happily.

These people where much more than mere homeless alcoholics wandering from bottles to bridges. Whilst others saw nothing more than mindless souls, walking in wet clothes, I could not help but see friendly faces with wisdom for the taking. All that was required was a willing hand shake, a nod of the head and a listening ear.


I learned where to get food, clothes, shelter and in such company, I no longer felt as cold and lonely. I enjoyed seeing their own sense of worth bolster, as they helped to foster mine.

So in all the years that have now past me by, I make it a point to never forget; that despite living under a bridges, nor having a jobs of note, standing or position; that I had never before or since, felt more accepted, loved or been held in such high esteem.

Whilst the now world races by with its eternal expectations, I now fight hard to regain and keep my own self respect. No matter how much I may despair, when I think of those angles in odor, I become motivated to keep looking and now as each day goes by, I’m finding more self esteem.

_______________________________________________
I hope you liked that Sadgirl...I am glad I was able to find it a share it with you : )





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Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 02/05/2012 :  13:03:46  Show Profile  Visit Davekyn's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
AWESOME .......Stigs...you found me

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aspierob
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)

1119 Posts
Gratitude: 132

Posted - 02/06/2012 :  00:06:28  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Test post

there is a fine line between genius and insanity , if you can learn to walk the line , you can rule the world .unfortunately i keep falling into the insanity side
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Administrator
Administrator

14912 Posts
Gratitude: 593
Very caringVery wiseI agree

Posted - 02/06/2012 :  01:08:37  Show Profile  Visit Administrator's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
test post
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Sadgirl
Super Member (250+ posts)

847 Posts
Gratitude: 215
Very caring

Posted - 02/06/2012 :  01:53:07  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Dearest Davekyn

I read your speech last night but was not able to reply, Dear Soul I want apologize for the meanness of the world, the tragedies and hurdles that you had to endure. I cried reading your speech, for you and anyone else that has felt the plight of homelessness.

I have never disregarded the homeless, when I see a Soul in need I turn my car around and offer money and a kind word, then for an hour I worry are they going to have a place to stay and wonder how their circumstance came to be.....Then I go back to my cozy home with an abundance of food and comfort and the memory begins to fade.....Until next time.

I will try and do more for I am ashamed of my "did a good deed" response and moved on, I promise I will do more.

Thank you for sharing this with me.......
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