| Author |
 Topic  |
| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
 Posted - 06/06/2006 : 16:05:04
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Sasha;
The pothole comment wasn't insensitive, I appreciated you reaching out. All else is good. |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/06/2006 : 20:52:40
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Ding, dang, darn!!! Hell's bells and buckets of blood! I just lost a big long post. Oh well!
Actually I am doing a bit better today after my meeting yesterday. It feels like a huge load has been lifted off of my shoulders and everything is out in the open. I feel like I'm not trying to do this all alone anymore.
When I come to this site to read replies to my posts (I come everyday and it is a bright spot in my day) I feel cared about and cared for. Just the fact that you replied is very touching to me. I haven't felt cared about for a very long time. I look forward to coming here very much.
As for honesty I'm the kind of person who has to let it all hang out before I start to feel better. I feel much better when I get things off my chest. To be able to come here and be able to write about my feelings without worring about time restrictions and to be able to come here everyday to vent is very helpful to me. I have felt stifled for so long.
To be able to talk to people who really understand is a huge relief. I have felt so alone for so long now. I heard somewhere that depression is a disease of isolation. That really fits me.
I'll try to keep this short tonight though. So take care and thank you very much for the feedback and kindness. I really appreciate it.
Sasha
Now I see through a glass darkly, then I shall see face to face and shall know even as I have known.
This is from the bible and the part about seeing through a glass darkly is how I feel now. It fits the bill.
You'll probably know more about me and my problems and life than you want to after awhile.
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2006 : 10:36:46
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Hey Guys it's Grammy
LoL...I had one of my long posts eaten too!!! Still helped to type it but it's wierd when it drops you off like that.
I like what you said, Sasha, about the isolation...I just spent a weekend with my family  I was in the midst of sooo many people and yet I was absolutely alone...
They are people who I should love and trust...yet I was absolutely alone...we conversed....it was all surface...There was no one available most of the time that I could share my "personhood" with (my term)It just isn't safe for me to share with people who violate my truth...shut down my no...pry into things that they have no business knowing because they only want to have a hate frenzy...or some drama to cluck about....good gravy
wow...here come the tears...
I don't want to be like them...never have...I don't want to hate anyone...it takes too much energy....Why do they always shut me down? Why do they always minimize me like I'm defective...If anyone is defective...it is my family...So what if I cry!!!If one more person tells me I can't feel...can't process the grief in my life...Sweet Jesus I want to scream!!!SCREAM!!!Their hate only makes my pain worse...They were never there...Never...They didn't sit up and rock him when he was sick and wrenched with pain...They don't know what my son has been through either....grrrrrrrr I can still feel my baby crying...I can still see his little face in the back window...wondering why we couldn't be together....What did I ever do to deserve this cruelty....
I really need to take a break....I'll write more later
Grammy |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2006 : 12:39:26
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Hey guys I'm back:
I was tempted to erase the last one and start over...but respect you guys too much to hide who I really am...Sometimes it just hurts...I guess I just need to process when it hurts...I went back through my desk top pictures and and basked at how beautiful my little Adam was...He actually had hair in this one...but he wanted to get his hair cut short like all the other guys on the base.
I am a person who prays....a lot of people wouldn't believe that...I don't like a lot of things on this earth that I don't understand...It is like the snake in the bird bath...Sasha...What a great Analogy...I think I have my foe by the tail...think I'm getting a lick on things...then when I feel a little better...I get distracted like the crow and leave the snake that offends me under the mire...It never went away it was just hidden and neglected in the muck..And then Ahhh yes....your still there you little snake...I really need to deal with you if I want some kind of clarity.
To a lot of people I would be considered controversial (religous people) There has to be a reason for suffering...otherwise this world and this life is nothing more than a cruel joke...some how...some way..I need to capture the reason for my existence....So many beautiful honest people here....I am beginning to think that the frumps in the world are the only sanity and the rest of the world is completely zonkers!!!lol, lol
I'm doing better...got a grip...just needed to not only process..but to be honest with my friends in here...I don't want you to think I'm a phony or trying to be something or someone I'm not...The state I am in when I log in here is luck of the draw...I have very similar frustrations and questions and anxieties as everyone else...I have struggles and triumphs....I have successes and defeats...but I'm still here trying...trying to do the best I can.
Hugs and squishes
Grammy |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2006 : 14:33:36
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| Gee, I kinda thought my previous post might have elicited SOMEKINDA response. Fine, go ahead and ignore me, see if I care.... (sniff) |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/09/2006 : 15:35:28
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Dear Palli
I don't understand your last post....Were you offended or were you kidding? Is there something you needed that we missed? If so I'm sorry. It's just that your post did stir up a lot of emotional things for me...and I was in a really bad place...
Please forgive me If I have offended you in anyway.
Hugs
Grammy |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2006 : 07:08:59
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Naww, I was being facetious (I'm actually a bit of a kidder in the real world... thats one thing I learned from wife one - to be extraverted). I just felt that the "agnostic" comments required me to delve into the theological realm and I thought I would have got some response from those that are rethinking their faith structures. Religion has done a lot of people a lot of damage (its why i didn't want it at first.. and I was 24 before I submitted... Yeaaaah Catholicism (More sarcasm)!!). AS a kid I was raised a nominal Catholic and the hypocrisy of its beliefs and actions were apparent to my 8 yr old senses... couldn't see the point in putting up with all that boredom for no good reason. Pretty much figured every and all religions were the same manipulative junk. Ergo my humanistic bent.
Thus I jumped out in my last comment and bared my soul on GOD and thought others would question or denounce.... neither happened... oh well. But thanks for responding Grammy.... SO how are you this day?
Its nice and sunny here in Fla. I've heard that a Tropical Storm might develop in the Gulf by the end of this weekend (Rush Limbaugh seemed to find that amusing yesterday), The ONLY positive of that for me is it means more work...
L8r Folks.
G |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2006 : 17:41:41
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Hey Palli
Wheeeeeew
So glad I didn't offend you...It would not have been my intention...I didn't say much about your remarks on faith...because you are free to use and express who you are without condemnation by anyone...
I wouldn't hit back when someone was hitting me...that person to this day denounces me as "unstable...weak...and pathetic" Some one I admire once said that the definition of "meek" originally meant a person of strong quiet strength...now it is snubbed as a door mat...
The children in the incident were more important to me than the abuser..I couldn't see how they could trust me...if I either allowed them to be abused...or fought back and became an abuser myself...
People of faith have suffered since the beginning of time...I have come to believe that life is not about this place...that would explain why dislike being here...Eden sounds good...Walking and talking with God in the cool of the day...a place where love is perfected and we don't have to endure the cruelty of others any longer.
Take care Palli
Hugs & Squishes
Grammy |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/11/2006 : 04:48:31
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Palli, you lucky dog. You live in florida. Sounds like paradise to me except for the tropical storms
I've always dreamed about living in a tropical place. I like the sunshine and water is very relaxing for me.
I like this God topic and hearing what others think. I have some very basic beliefs. Like everything good comes from God.
I know he has stood by in the hard times even though sometimes I didn't realize it. One time it felt like He literally held my hand.
Don't know if I imagined it. (wishful thinking) It felt really good though. To this day I try to remind myself of that because when I am down I tend to think He has deserted me.
It feels good to express thoughts on God. I haven't for a long time.
I think my faith is weak.
A friend once gave me this poem.
Cowardly, wayward and weak,
I change with the changing sky.
Today so eager and strong,
tomorrow not caring to try.
But we two shall win,
Because he never gives in,
My Jesus and I.
The first part really fits me. Especially the third and fourth lines
When I am really down and wanting to give up, sometimes I think of this and am encouraged. Even though I want to give up, He never gives up on me. Why He doesn't I don't know.
But it helps me to think of this.
Take care Sasha.
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| Amie (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
746 Posts
Gratitude: 5
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Posted - 06/11/2006 : 21:00:33
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I keep trying to 'find' God but I should really realize that I have done so just in a slightly different way. For example I am a Reiki practitioner which is a type of energy work. I feel like the power to give treatments and help people through those treatments comes from a higher power and I am just the conduit. Also, I believe in guardian angels. So really there is my belief in God. I just don't call it that.
Amie |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/17/2006 : 16:51:02
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Hey paladin how are you doing? Ok I hope. Maybe you are just to busy to post.
Take Care Sasha
"All alone, drifting wild, like a ship that's lost out on the ocean!"
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/18/2006 : 06:06:57
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Amie, I believe that "all good" things come from God.
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 06/18/2006 : 07:58:13
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Oh my God, How I hate Fathers Day!!!
Sorry I havn't written lately, just havn't really known what to say. Weather here is HOT (I'm Canadian by birth.... I melt!!)I guess I havn't made that clear before this.. add that to my list of woes... Lonliness. Don't get me wrong I feel blessed here. Good job, great wife, awesome mother-in-law (father in law... well thats another story... but he's okay I guess) but just about everyone I know and love (my kids, my elderly parents, my best friend that I hung out with through most of my teens, etc) is in Ontario.
Oh my God, How I hate Fathers Day!!!
Betcha I don't get a call from my kids... again.
And later I have to go to my inlaws and celebrate "Fathers Day", yipee! My Bro-in-law will be there with his 3 kids, we'll honor my fa-in-law (he's a bit too self important and judgemental for my liking)and I get the joy of holding it together while every errant thought will be focused upon how much all this sucks (I know... self-pity but the pain and loss feels pretty heavy)... crap!!!! here come the tears!!
I hope ya'll have a better day than me..seriously. I'll just try to focus on the joy of others and pretend to be a "big boy". |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/18/2006 : 14:32:01
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Paladin, I'm sorry Father's day is so painful for you. It's good you wrote here and vented. Vent more if you need too.
How old are your kids?
If they are teenagers they may just be thoughtless as teenagers can be. Or they just may be overwhelmed by circumstances and want to call but can't. Or confused by things that your X is telling them. They will know the truth sooner or later. Sooner I hope for you.
One thing just struck me. Don't try to guess why they aren't calling. You'll probably just think the most negative things and feel worse.
Know that you are a loving father, and want the best for your children. It's a small comfort that you probably don't want to hear, but time will probably make a difference. In that your kids will grow older and the desire to call will re-assert it self.
Do they come down to you for holidays in the summer? Are you able to see them at all? Can you phone them?
I hope the day isn't as bad as you think it will be.
Take care I will be thinking of you. Sasha
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| Ferengi (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3264 Posts
Gratitude: 332
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Posted - 06/18/2006 : 14:40:39
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My boyfriend can't see his kids at all and I had to work today so I can't even be with him. I am sure he is in agony. That witch of an ex wife is using the children to hurt him. She is doing a good job.
Ferengi |
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Newbie with a 'tude
