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Niffer
Starting Member
21 Posts
Gratitude: 4
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 Posted - 10/16/2006 : 11:41:01
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Hello All,
Boy, this is going to sound trivial to some of you dealing with much larger issues. Even as I review my post, I realize how it's a recurring thing for me--planning too much, getting all anxious, then melting down because I'm so tense, anxious and disappointed in my behavior. (Nothing's every perfect enough!)
I've had depressive episodes since I was 18--I'm now 52 and a single mother of one very precious 15 year old daughter, who thinks she's going on 25 instead.
I LOVE amusement parks, and so does she so we planned a very special trip to a park for her 15th birthday celebration. (FOUR friends, a 5 hour drive, hotel rooms for two nights, major bucks and coordination on my part.) My daughter took possession of $350 digital camera one of our houseguest's gave the family about six months ago, and has had tons of fun taking pictures of herself and her friends. (I'm not even going into the MySpace territory, but she's there, and I check the postings for appropriatness.)
The third ride of the day--her 15th birthday, the digital camera flies out of her pocket and just misses hitting people on the ground below. It's smashed to smitherines. She exclaimed, "oh well, I didn't pay for it anyway." I rescued the disk from the camera, and unfortunately, blurred out, "You Idiot." #1 Bad MOMMY behavior of the day.
#2 I wait in line with her and two of her friends for nearly an hour and a half--they speak about three words to me the whole time. I'm ignored except when they want money (typical teen behavior, I think). When the ride breaksdown and we get out of line the other adult with us asks me what the girls were talking about etc. and I said I didn't know because I was ignored the whole time and then I start to tear up. The other adult pulls her daughter and friend aside and starts giving them a hard time. (Explaining her expectations is how she put it to me.) SO, I've ruined everyone's day--I decide to go to the car and get my coat and some alone time since I'm now crying in an amusement park for God's sake. I wander the lot for almost an hour, because we were so excited to get there, no one paid any attention to where we parked. Twice the other adult called and wanted to come out and help look. I just wanted to be alone to cry. Finally found the car, got it together and went to join the group, that is now STARVING TO DEATH because the other adult wouldn't let anyone eat until I returned. (We are all cranky because we're tired and hungry.)
#3 They next day I state that I don't want to get home at 10 p.m., I want to leave earlier so I have time to relax Sunday night. What time do we get home? 10 p.m. The other adult couldn't get up and moving that morning (Check out time is only a suggestion to her), she had to have BOB EVANS, even thought it was a 45 minute wait (and we hadn't eaten since pizza the night before.) I take a Xanax when I get too anxious, so, I've already eaten about 2 just to get home. (Don't worry, I wasn't driving when I took the Xanax.) Anyway, we get home at 10 pm, my daughter's stomach is aching because of Taco Bell (damn, we sound like fast food junkies) and she immediately gets on the computer to check her MySpace. I understand that, because everyone Posts "Happy Birthday" to you, and she hasn't checked it in 3 days now. Intellectually, I understand.
Our elderly dog can't make it outside to do his business and the people feeding him will feed him but not clean up his mess so I have about 10 piles of doggie doo doo to clean up. Dog crap and pee is all over the 73 year old hard wood floors, the stress boils over and I LOSE IT BIG TIME--of course I'm crying and cursing the dog while I wipe up **** and carry it to the toilet. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I finally let lose. My daughter just watchs me for a while. Doesn't pick up one thing of HER mess that has been dumped in the floor. She finally retreats to her room upstairs and calls my sister, who waits me a few minutes and then calls to see if she can do anything to help. Damn, I feel like a BAD MOMMY.
I'm switching med's because the Zoloft stopped working after 5 years. I've only been on the Cymbalta for about 2 weeks, the shrink and I talked about the medication merry-go-round, and my fear of side effects. We cross dosed, and I know I should have avoided such a high stress situation. 90% of the time, I'm okay. But, those times I'm not, I blow it big time.
I have explained to my daughter how I am trying to get better and there will be times with the medication change that I will not be myself. But after all this time on different medications, I wonder, what is myself?
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope to establish an on-line relationship with someone who can help me cope with my illness and a 15 year old daughter. I don't feel I can talk to anyone in my town because it label me "crazy" and her "a bad kid". We are neither. I'm trying my best, and she's just trying to grow up.  |
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"Holiday" Meltdown
