|
methodlessman
Starting Member
1 Posts |
 Posted - 06/04/2005 : 10:22:12
|
Hello, my name is Otto and I was raised by a single mother with depression. I would like to state that my mother has little respect for her body(the entire family is severly overweight)and low self esteem and that she was still pretty young when I was born. When I was born my parents weren't married. My sister was born a year after me. They slpit up though after a while(I believe because of me and my sister)and my mother moved back in with her parents. We lived with them for a while. My mother has never made much money or even truly been able to take care of herself, she always had to get help from someone to raise us. She never completed college and has never had a very well paying job. We have never had a nice place to live or nice belongings. My mother never was able to deal with her life and depends on others. She met another man, Jeff, while living with my grandparents and they dated for a while and eventually they moved in together. He rarely had a job and did little other than leech of my mother. She worked six or seven days a week and must have been miserable. At this point even though he treated my mother bad, Jeff was actually pretty nice to me and my sister, but it was just a lie so he could stay with my mother. But my mother married him and got pregnant. After my brother, Jeffrey who is named after his father, was born Jeff began to go crazy. I don't know if he ever hit my mother but he sure took his anger out on me and my sister, while my mother stood by and did nothing. I remember he took particular delight in designing new instruments to punish us with. I never was mad at her though, in fact I did everything I could to be a good child and make it easier on her, but she never noticed. I remember once after Jeff had done something I don't remember anymore what it was, but my mom sat me and my sister down and asked us both if we wanted Jeff to leave. She said if we said that we wanted it then he would leave for good. I said no, I thought at the time that she was happy with him and I didn't want to make her sad. But I don't think I believed her anyway. She barely ever actually makes a decision and when she does its a miracle if she follows through, and if she does follow through its not without a good amount of complaining. Sometimes it feels like she wants me to feel sad for her. Things continued on as usual with our health constantly declining, we ate far too much and all our daily sources of nutrients came from Ramien Noodles and hotdogs. At one point Jeff tried to kill himself, my mom was very upset and called 911, I wanted the asshole to die. Soon after he tried to run off with Jeffery, but my mom grabbed him while Jeff was gone and we left. We went to a women's shelter for a few days but they got back together. After that they had another arguement and me and my sister went to live with our grandparents for awhile and Jeffrey stayed with my mom. She said she was gonna kick him out for good, but he was only gone for a few days and me and my sister came back. He was in and out of mental institutions a few times. We went to visit him, but I don't remember what happened there. All I know is that everytime he got out we went to pick him up and he did nothing but yell at me and my sister telling us that we were the reason he was going crazy. Before she finally got rid of him he had to threaten to kill me and then begin to plan it out in front of me before she would finally kick him out. This time he was actually gone. But now me and my sister had to go to my grandparents house everyday day before and after school. But it was ok for awhile I guess. I made friends in the neighborhood and tried to fit in, but I never did. Unfortunatley my great grandmother who lives with my grandparents is...well I don't even know, but she forced her nose into everything my mother did. She has nothing in her life and spent all of her itme in other peoples. But we have always had to deal with it because we were so poor and had to borrow money from her all the time. After a while my step-grandmother and great grandmother fought too much, and my grandfather as usual stood by and did nothing. His own daughter was struggling just to survive on her own, while my step-grandmothers son lived with his mother until he was 39! He didn't even get a job until he was 32. I did awful in school and was in trouble with the law a few times, but my mother never was much of a parent and she just sat back and did nothing. Never put her foot down or got help from anyone. It felt like she didn't care about me. So my life essentially just drifts. I tried playing some sports, I actually played soccer for three years and became pretty good at it, but in the end I could never keep up with the other kids and lost my confidence. If I ever brought it up to my mother she would just begin to make excuses for me and told me I could just quit the team. I never learned to face my obstcales. I was only a little kid I needed guidance and structure and all she did was feed me and drive me around. Where was the actual parenting? I know that she was raised in the same enviornment as me, but I can't help but be mad at her. I'm furious that she threw away her life. She slept around as a teen and finally got pregnant, and kept me and tried to raise me when she was only a child herself. Now when I take a good look at myself at age 17, just graduated from high school, I'm trying to start my own web design business and get into college and all I see her doing is the same old same old that hasn't gotten her anywhere in her life. I know its not fair but I can't help but feel like I was cheated out of a happy childhood. And I see problems with my little brother already. His father abused him as an infant and small child and he didn't even begin to speak until he was three and didn't potty train until he was eight. He goes to consueling, but it didn't help me much as a child because I always just lied and said what I thought they wanted to hear. I was a smart little boy and it didn't take me long to figure out of how to get out of telling my counselor things I didn't want to. I feel Jeffrey is doing the same thing because he just completely shuts off when he is upset or faced with a challenge. Any challenge. I want to help him but at this point it seems hopeless. My mother keeps him locked up in the house all day and he is becoming overweight. I know that when I'm here he doesn't eat very much, but when he does rarely is it good for him. Recenetly the place we had been living was bought by someone looking to set up a business. We got kicked out and me and my sister had to go live with our grandparents again. At first I was ok. I had school, but my life has become empty. I don't have a working car or a job. I used to love playing my guitar but I have lost interest in it and forgot how to enjoy it. In fact just about the only thing that calms me down and lets me feel better is pot. But I don't want to become psychologically addicted to it so I try and limit how much I smoke(which isn't problem for me right now as I don't have much money anyway). I'm good with computers and I'm sure that I can financially do well, but I don't give a **** about that if I'm going to be so miserable all the time.
I want anyone with depression who is thinking about having children or that has children to read this and learn from it.  |
|
| EVERGREEN
Full Member (100+ posts)
136 Posts
Gratitude: 5
|
Posted - 06/08/2005 : 13:22:46
|
Hi Methodlessman, Welcome to our community.
I've been wanting to respond to your post from the first moment I read it. However, I needed time to think about what I wanted to say.
I'm a 48 year old female who grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. My parents were divorced when I was three and although I saw my father on a regular basis until I was 16, he had very little influence on my life. My mother raised my sister and I as a single parent. Although she always had a man in her life. They were usually drunks with the accompanying fights, etc.
My mother suffered and continues to suffer from a personality disorder called Narcissism. Selfishness and Narcissism in Family Relationships by Lynne Namka states:
"Narcissism as a psychological definition is typically seen as self-involved attitudes and behavior where there is little or no empathy for others. Narcissistic wounding starts early in life to children whose parents are insecure, abusive, addictive or have narcissistic patterns themselves."
I didn't know my mother was mentally ill when I was growing up. I always thought there was something wrong with me. As a result, I suffered from depression all my life (also unknowingly) and a compulsive eating disorder. I didn't learn about my mother's mental illness until I was diagnosed about five years ago with Major Depression. I began seeing a therapist. I, of course, began by complaining about my relationship with my mother. That's when I learned of my mother's personality disorder. My therapist loaned me a book called TRAPPED IN THE MIRROR. It discusses the affects that a narcissistic parent has on their children. When I read the book, I became furious. All my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I was contently reading self-help books and psychology materials in an effort to understand myself and improve my relationship with my mother. Only to discover that SHE is the cause of all my emotional and eating disorders. Naturally, it was relief to be able to blame her for my screwed up life. Unfortunately, for me I didn't learn all this until I was approximately 42 years old.
Now I want to share with you what I have learned since then. You are only 17 so maybe these insights will help you not to make the same mistakes I made. I didn't know my mother was ill, so I made my mistakes unknowingly. Wasting my time and energy like a dog chasing his own tail.
Once my therapist and I began to discuss this issue, I began to learn that blaming my mother was also a waste of my time and energy. She was and is a sick woman. Although on some level she is aware of her actions and the affect those actions have on me, she is not in control of her behavior. She is acting out of compulsive behavior. She will never seek help for her mental disorder (she's 73 years old now) as she is not truly aware that she is sick. I can no more blame her for her illness than I could if she had cancer.
"As a twig is bent the tree inclines" -- Virgil
A positive self-image is critical to our recovery. Why? Because it is the glasses through which we look, the gloves with which we touch, the door by which we enter into a relationship with life. Self-image is not who we really are, but a combination of who we wish we were, who we're afraid we are, and who we imagine other people think we are.
We act out in detail the role we've assigned ourselves in this world. That role, our self-image, works like a key that either fits or doesn't fit a world full of locks and doors. Different keys open different doors. And some doors lead to bad places, as we all know. It isn't easy to change keys, but it is infinitely worth it. One reason is that we always pass our self-image on to our children; they know us too well to be fooled. If we want our children to walk tall, laugh happily, and sing joyously, we ourselves must do these things for them to see. - from DAYS OF HEALING DAYS OF JOY.
Your mother is ill. She grew up in a family of depressed people. She learned all her coping skill, self-image, and view of life from her parents. Since she was poor, she probably was unable to get help for her depression. Certainly her family didn't show her that their was any help available to her. She fell into a unhealthy, abusive relationship, because she was too ill to choose differently. She needed someone she felt she could lean on. She was lonely. Certainly you can understand how she felt since you now feel much of the feelings that have trapped her in an unfulfilled life.
"I was bitter about my parents until I realized how bitter they were about their parents." -- Birdie V.
Sometimes we adult children get wrapped up in our own family of origin. Even our parents. Especially our parents, as a matter of fact.
It can be healing to reflect on our parents' early lives, what models were presented to them, and how they were expected to respond. Unlike us, they probably didn't have self-help books, groups or meetings, sponsors, or a program. They didn't have insights about lifelong progress toward a better self.
Someone has to break the vicious cycle. Resentment breeds resentment, and bitterness breeds bitterness. If we hated what we got from our parents, chances are that they, too, hated what they got from their parents. But no one broke the cycle, so it just kept rolling.
One day our own children may be working on their family of origin. That's something to think about, isn't it? How much will we hope for their understanding. -- from DAYS OF HEALING, DAYS OF JOY.
You are the lucky one. Cause you know. You can get the help you need. You can break the cycle of depression and self-doubt that plague your family.
Bitterness and anger are a waste of your energies. You need to get help for your depression, talk to a therapist and be honest with him. Talk to your little brother and let him know you are there for him. Tell him to be honest with his therapist. Help him to benefit from your insights on your family and how you coped growing up.
Come here and talk to us. There are many people in this community who have suffered as you have suffered and are working their way out of the dark pit of depression.
I'd recommend that you go to your book store and pick up the following Hazelden Mediation books. TOUCHSTONE is daily affirmations for men, DAYS OF HEALING, DAYS OF JOY is for persons who grew up in an abusive household, INNER HARVET is for persons suffering from an eating disorder. These books are inexpensive, get one at a time if you have too. Reading from these books daily will help you put your life into persective. Also, go to your library and check out a copy of Andrew Solomons THE NOON DAY DEMON An Atlas of Depression. So you can understand what depression is and how to get it treated.
"An Affirmation a day helps keep depression at bay." -- Evergreen
EVERGREEN |
|
| angel07
Starting Member
3 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2006 : 10:17:34
|
Hi Otto, I'm so sorry to hear how awful your childhood has been
the one thing that breaks my heart the most is when a child has been hurt and abused. I quess this is because I also grew up in a abusive
family. When I was 4 years old my father died and my mother ended up being a single mother of 4 childeren. My mother from what I remember was an alcoholic and and we'd be left home alone for days, eventually we were put in different foster homes where I was treated more like a made.
finally at the age of 7 my brother and I, he was 5, were adopted to a family that had 9 childeren already. From then on my the true hell began. The new parents were alcoholics, so there was fighting every night. My brother and I were pretty much just used as punching bags. The
father started to molest me and the mother ignored me. If I walked in the room she would ignore me or shed give me a disgusted look and turn away. Everyday I would walk on eggs sheles and and lived in fear. How I coped was I sat in my room and obsessed in the mirror putting a mask
on massive amounts of make-up doing my hair trying to fix this freak no one could possibly love. The mother figure I craved would sit on her recliner that no one exept her own childen were alowed to sit on, and drink pepsi and read her books. We weren't allowed to eat food so
My brother and I would steel top romen noodles and try to make it in the upstairs bathroom. To this day my brother who is 35 years old has
obsessive relationship with food, he gorges untill he can't move, he's
also adicted to anthing and everything you could possibley think of. He is in NA andAA programs. As for me I no longer am in contact with my abusers, as I get older I am letting go of the anger and bitterness, but it is a huge struggle. I still obsess in the mirror hoping to fix the reflection so someone will love me.I'm very antisoial and have very little trust in people. I do have a son he's 4
years old and there truly is a God, because he's the most amazing child
he loves me and I know it, he tells me all the time and he tells me I'm
pretty. So this is what uncoditional love is like. He is what gives me strenghth everyday. Before him I would spend some day so depresed I would stay in bed and just wanted to die. I want to break the cycle so I pray and force myself to do the right things for my little Angel. For me having a child has saved my life. I will pray for you, just have faith.
Angel07
May 10, 1969 |
|
Raised by single mother with depression
