|
|
Mood Disorder Community
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
  |
 Posted - 08/05/2012 : 05:00:52
|
I am filled with dread. Though I am at work right now, I
am dreading going home and seeing what I might see.
My worst fear would be being locked out of my apt., with
yellow Do Not Enter signs plastered over the door.
Oh dear, Oh dear...
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
  |
Posted - 08/05/2012 : 11:10:53
|
Holy Moly...I should visit you more often. Gosh you have a lot of crap going on. Beats the bolt of lightning that hit near my house and burned out my internet and oven.
Ok...as for leak issue. Hirer independent contractor. He won't report you...and he probably is illegal anyway..so you might be good to go. Try angies list...or maybe craigslist if you insist on job completed before payment. That is what I would do.
As for eating issue. Yeah, I know mine. They probably aren't so different. what do I do? Drink water first, eat lots more protein and no carbs/sugars w/proteins..(think jerky and nuts)...sugar free coffee drinks (avoid milk stick to cream). Also...brush teeth when hungry. I swear it works.
I will come by again soon. You are sweet and I should visit more...you just seem put together and problem free. Seems you are like me.
Thank you for your kindness. I do notice.
Love
Jody |
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 08/05/2012 : 11:15:38
|
So far, no Do Not Enter signs. No one has been here, so it
must not have gotten into the neighbor's apt. Thank you God!
So, I got home, threw my work clothes and some wet sopping up materials into the laundry. And took out a load of 5 bags of trash.
Finally, eh? Thought I broke the ice so to speak with this standoff
I have been having with the trash, ...but no, I haven't made it out
with another load yet. And then I fell asleep while taking a not so quick break. I was pooped from work. Had hoped it would be a consistent busy shift not the crazy beginning, never catch up shift that it was. I am though, going to take out another load as soon as I finish this.
Before I call maintenance, I have to:
--get all the trash out (30+ bags)
--clear off the kitchen counters of dishes (whether I put them in bags and put them in the cabinets, or actually wash them)
--clean the bathroom
--say aloha to the spiders
And, I absolutely have to call maintenance this week, as I am afraid
that the next thing to go bad is the ceiling where the air conditioner unit is. It has been leaking after each cycle, and I have a bucket under it, but just today, I have noticed that along the edge of the ceiling the paint is buckling a bit. And that can not be a very good sign. And it has been dripping more than usual after the cycle runs. 
My lease is coming due in September...I hope they don't see all this work needing to be done as a reason to pop me outta here...
If I could just get on top of this place just once...I would definitely make a sincere effort to stay on top of it. Seriously!
Now I better get that load out, so I can get to bed. I have to work in 4.75 hrs, and although I did get that 1.5 hour nap, I will need more to do a good job. Especially since I am in charge again.
@CHELLE: Thanks for dropping by
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
 |
|
| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
|
Posted - 08/05/2012 : 11:19:15
|
Thought for the day...in addition to previous ones.
Consider moving. Really. Start over...get a new place. When moving get rid of all stuff. Go minimal. Restart whole process of settling in. It might cost more short term...but peace of mind is worth millions and millions.
Thinking of you.
Jody |
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 08/05/2012 : 12:24:53
|
Hi Jody,
Thanks for dropping in. I appreciate all the "thoughts for the day".
I will look and see what I can find on angie's list. I have never used it, but I think I would feel more comfortable finding someone through that avenue.
As far as starting over...wow, there is something appealing about that idea, except that I do really like this apt. especially it's location, ease of getting anywhere in town, it faces a large pond, the rent and the utilities are good...I just like it.
I like the idea of getting rid of a bunch of stuff though. Back to the basics. It seems overwhelming to have the accdumulation I do now. When we moved Dad up from independent living into an ALF, and I moved out, I inherited a lot of stuff that wouldn't fit at his new place, a lot oif it was my mom's stuff (sewing machine, sewing stuff, tablecloths,...etc). Then when we moved Dad into an even smaller apt in Memory Care, there was more stuff, and then when he died...well you get the picture...
So, I now have a LOT of stuff. It is taking over the spare room, and IS too much. Oh, plus, when my sister moved from here to Tampa, she gave me a bunch of her stuff. It was actually funny, because she can't figure out where I get this hoarding thing from. I knew mom and dad had several piles of excess when we moved them the first (when mom wasn't doing well) to an ALF, and we found stuff like 30 decks of cards, 100+ packets of floss, a pile of new toothbrushes, a container of almost every lotion and cream imaginable, 20 slips, 15 tablecloths, and on and on. So, I knew there were issues with that.
But my sis takes me and my nephew and neice out to the garage and starts going thru bins. Each bin was organized and with a different type of item. A bin of 100+ candles, a bin of 30+ baskets, a bin of flat boxes for wrapping in, a bin of ceramic and stone angels, and on and on... Though she denied it, my neice and I told her that she too was a hoarder, a neat and organized one, but still, a hoarder.
I am just a messy, unorganized one. But after those travel nurse years where all I took was what would fit in the trunk and back seat of the car, I kinda got to liking the minimal of it. Maybe not the packing and unpacking...but definitely the doing with less. And, I have been thinking that when I get to that part of the clean up, I would start getting rid of some stuff. There is a Goodwill drop-off center about 4 blocks from here.
I am sorry to hear about your lightning issues. Bad storm, eh? Losing internet would be the worst. I don't think I could make it long without it. Last Labor Day, we had a big storm, and lightning knocked out my TV. I haven't replaced it. With Comcast for internet, I can watch a lot of things on-line, so other than the news, I don't miss it much. I have told work people to let me know if I should be aware of a hurricane though, so I will know when I have to be at the hospital.
And yes, Jody, I think we are alot alike, in the way we handle stuff. Never let them see you sweat (or cry) has been my mantra for a while. And I also picture that duck swimming along seemingly calm on the surface but sometimes with out legs paddling like mad where no one can see.
But, you know what? I have gotten a little tired of this lately, and especially at work, I have started to tell people a thing or two. Not mean, just matter of factly. Mostly cuz day shift sucks, and several of them are lazy and they have no work ethic. And even sadder is that these people are the ones training the new grads.
And so I guess, I am letting it all hang out a little in the rest of my life too.
Seriously, I have to get to bed and get that nap pronto. And YAY FOR ME, I got 2 loads (11 bags) taken out to the dumpster.
Hope you are doing okay Jody. Alright, later friend...
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 08/26/2012 : 08:26:53
|
Wow, I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since my water crisis. As of yet, I still haven't finished taking out the trash, and my apt. is a bit messier right now. Once the initial crisis was over, I slid back into old ways of doing mostly nothing. and, since I haven't finished cleaning/picking up the apt., I also haven't had anyone in to fix the toilet. so, I have been pouring water from the shower into the toilet, forcing it to flush...Yeah, I am that kind of Loser.
Today, I really need to get moving. Hurricane Isaac is still on his way and could swing in to the area. I have been preparing for the last couple days. After working Thurs. night, I got off and went and bought stuff they said we would need if we were called into work (flashlight, batt. operated radio, non-perishables, water, blanket, air mattress, towels, and stuff like that). Got home around 1030 Fri. and got to bed after noon.
Then worked Fri. night (after only 4 hrs sleep) and when I got off on Saturday, I ran errands (bank, gas, grocery store, etc...) and didn't get home til after 3pm. Fell asleep shortly after. Then up during the night trying to catch up with stuff.
Today's list includes picking up meds at the pharmacy, getting batteries, and seeing if I need an air pump or not. Plus, I am continually checking The Weather Channel for updates on Isaac, and checking the work website for each update to see if I will be called in or not. Otherwise, I am off tonight and work tomorrow night. Will breathe easier tomorrow. Need to get going today (and stop procrastinating) just in case Isaac turns back in towards us and requires my going in to work tonight.
And, right now is prime time to load up the rest of the trash and take it out since the temp is reasonable at 79-80f.
Thanks to Jody, I am starting to get motivated as I think of the song you shared by Eminem...Lose yourself...
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
|
Posted - 08/26/2012 : 11:16:20
|
Hi Leigh,
Saw a comment you made in BP Blogs on workplace laziness and
indifference to quality performance. I agreed wholeheartedly. I've
always felt compelled, by my nature, to give 100% and felt contempt
for those who wouldn't. I also felt compassion for those who
couldn't, through one impairment or the other, give that much.
It's kind of a hot button topic during the election season. Seems to
me that between the boot strap mentality and the bleeding hearts,
there has to be a happy medium of reason. I strive to express that
reasoning but, as I said, politics makes for high emotions.
BTW, I'm forced to flush our toilet with additional water
occasionally. Not through mechanical failure, but gravity failure.
Our septic line is unusually long with little pitch so there's a
tendency, over time, for obstuctions to slow the flow to the
tank and field. This results in partial flushes....ugh. Now, I know
the line needs a high pressure flush with a garden hose inserted at
an access valve under the house once a year...it's been two years and
counting. I also know all my rationalizing (maybe the line will clear
if I dump enough additional water into the toilet) is BS. I
delude myself......I'm a solid member of your losers club.
Good to talk to you again.
Keith
Who really cares? I guess I do...but why?
|
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 08/27/2012 : 10:44:48
|
Keith ol' pal...Good to see you here! Thanks for dropping in.
Those darn people at work not caring enough to do a proper job have really been getting to me. Some days I just get so angry I want to cry, or lose it. I have been really irritable at work lately, and this behavior is just about the last straw.
I have taken to saying my own version of a quote from Mother Teresa called 'Do It Anyway'...
1. The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
____________________________
2. The Original Version:
The Paradoxical Commandments is by Dr. Kent M. Keith (not that that matters, just thought you might want to know). His version is different, maybe a bit more cynical or negative.
I pretty much just say the last 3 parts to myself (starting with 'The good you do today...'. And then I just do my job the only way I know how.
Otherwise, I have been thinking about all the people who have "gone postal" in the past, wondering how frustrated you would have to be to go there. But, being part of the Losers club, I would be more likely to self-combust in to deep darkness instead.
Sorry to be so morose. Truly, your visit has put a smile on my face. Come again won't you?
Leigh
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
|
Posted - 08/27/2012 : 21:34:21
|
Hi,
I worked at the main Post Office in a medium sized city for ten years. In that time, four people killed themselves. They seemed to
share certain traits....agressiveness and melancholy. They were so
explosive everyone soon learned to avoid them after they showed up.
Two were Nam vets in my age group so I tried to reach them but I
quickly backed off when I realized they were violently inclined. Not
much anyone could do. They could no longer socialize normally...that
was the source of their frustration.
I remember playing pic association games with you a while back. It
was fun....good to hook back up Leigh.
Keith
Who really cares? I guess I do...but why?
|
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 08/31/2012 : 06:28:06
|
Keith, I did not mean to make light of people who have gone postal. I know it is a horrible thing for all those involved. Certainly, i may be melancholy, but not violent. Ever.
I have just been having some bad days. And, as I said before, I am more likely to internally combust into myself. Or, if I could figure out how to, I would just go away, Just get in my car and escape.
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 08/31/2012 : 06:31:45
|
A friend once told me that a psychiatrist once told her that most people with depression are on anti-depressants the rest of their lives once they have started them, and that if they stop them, >75% of people have a recurrence of their depression requiring medication.
I thought I was going to be one of those who would not need further medication. I really thought I had made it out this time. It has been over a year since I had stopped taking the anti-depressant celexa. But I have been noticing more and more sad feelings, crying (which is not me), cursing at the slightest slight, and have been snappish with those around me(also unlike me). Normally, I am pretty laid back, and easy going and get along with everyone. Not so lately.
It has gotten to where I dread going to work. If I had a plan of what to do and where to go, I would probably just keep driving. Out of town, out of state...to I don't know where. But some idiot part of me makes me go to work. And then, I cry as soon as I get in the car after work. People at work are on my last nerves. I am irritable, I want to be left alone. I find it hard to empathetic with my patients.
I am not sure whether this is all just snowballing from the beginning of the year, or if it is related to my dad dying in June, or workplace stress from the new computer system being overwhelming, and my need for perfection, and people at work not doing the same crap they didn't do with the old system are still not doing it, or being mad at my brother or what?!!
So, yes, I think I need to go back on anti-depressants, but I no longer have a p-doc here so I would have to find a new one, or go to employee assistance, or maybe even call Hope Hospice. They offer free counseling after a loved one passes. How do I know. Start at one and work my way around? I am not good at this. I can track my original depression down from about age 10 or 11, but it took 30+ years to finally seek help. I think I almost had a mental breakdown...and then I sought help. I don't think I can wait that long this time...
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7607 Posts
Gratitude: 912
|
Posted - 08/31/2012 : 12:11:51
|
Maybe speaking with a therapist might help FLM. I don't blame you for not wanting to wait until it gets worse. I hope you get it figured out.
|
|
| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
|
Posted - 08/31/2012 : 12:18:27
|
I'm certainly no authority but if you've been off anti depressants
over a year....the culprit is probably your life in general. I know
clinical depression will occur with or without any environmental
influence but you don't sound clinical....just morose. I was
in my deepest depression when I felt nobody could possibly grasp how
tortured I felt inside. The technicians couldn't get my meds
right and I felt whipsawed. Because I was so uptight, I couldn't
sleep....that's the real killer. They finally came up with
depakote and seroquel. I finally reconciled myself to permanent
reliance on them. In time, with support, I weaned myself off seroquel
on a regular basis. I occasionally use it if I become sleep deprived.
Other than that, I changed my value system....money and social
stature went out the window. Recognition of people I love and the
freedom to express it drifted back in.
Just driving aimlessly in the country can be very refreshing but you
need someone to share it with...preferably of the opposite sex (unless you have a different orientation). You don't have to be
in love but you must feel real affection both ways.
So.....blather blather.....my two cents.
Affectionately, Keith
Who really cares? I guess I do...but why?
|
|
| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
|
Posted - 09/24/2012 : 22:16:41
|
Felling better than the last time I posted here. Not so combustible anyway.
Last Thursday, I had the weirdest drive into work. First, I overslept, then I hit the snooze button (not realizing how long the alarm had been going off) and overslept through that too. So, I was running late from the get go.
At the first stop sign, on my way to work, I looked left to check for cars coming, and there was a beautiful double rainbow. And I started crying. Further along on my drive to work, I looked left toward the sun. The clouds were perfect with the sun coming through them just right. Gorgeous...and I cried.
About 500 yards from the turnoff into the work parking lot, the car in front of me slowed and then stopped...and just sat there for 30 seconds. A normal Floridian would have already honked, but I sat there. Then they put on their left blinker to turn. They were about one lane short of the turning lane, and I pointed to it. So, then the car ahead of me drove forward and to the left into the turning lane. It was all very weird.
As I turned and drove into the parking area at work the sun shone right at me, blinding me. I had gotten to a stop sign as I pulling down my visor, and there I almost hit 2 pedestrians coming from the left. Because there are rarely pedestrians there except when you aren't looking for them, I usually look. But this time, with the sun, and running late, and all, I was busy with the visor. But, no damage done, and I kept going.
Saw something to the left again and turned my head to see, and this time, it was a momma duck (mallard) and maybe 10 young baby ducks. And...I cried.
"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin." -– Ivan Turgenev
|
|
| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
|
Posted - 09/25/2012 : 06:55:52
|
Hi Leigh...
sorry I haven't be more social. You sound a bit in a pickle.
It is said that depressed people are the normal ones because they see the world for what it truly is. I believe this statement. Why...it is those damn happy people with their scientology smiles that somehow continue to believe that the world is good and all will turn out well. This is not the case. We just accept things eventually. That is all.
I try to remember that as you look out of your apartment or house, down at the trees or if you go to a park, that all of that nature will be there after we are gone. Everything goes on...just look at old houses from the 40 or 50's. The original owners are dead now but the house still exists. Same with big cities. We really are that insignificant. But when we come to grips with it all, it makes us sad doesn't it? So goes recognizing that our relatives die, friends die...and work continues either way just to make it in the world. The world is even better than it was 100 years ago.
There is plenty of evidence that shows that when we work hard enough for the basics that we see what give happiness. It isn't really vacations or a new car or similar things...it is the progress we make as a person and what we give to others. Our society has forgotten this...and so are most of the world it seems. Russians have it harder than most countries. That and the over populated countries or the ones with dictators. Yet, they can find happiness. Japan, a country with high quality of life and education and equality has one of the highest suicide rates. Why? Why? Because their values are misplaced.
I am not one to preach a particular belief least of all, that of religion. (which I could volunteer my views but i won't), but I see that happiness in our country is about two possible realities. We can delude ourselves as to what makes us happy...ie...those that live to buy things or show a "successful" image to the world, or we can accept the world for what it is...and make the best of it...
Making the best of it for me means antidepressants if necessary (as it is the drug that makes the pain feel less present similar to alcohol but without the negative reprocussions) or we can make due and fit in a place that others seem to not see for what it is.
That is a depressives view, I know. But that doesnt mean it is not accurate.
Yesterday on the radio, the topic was learning that when we think of our life as hard, we need to compare it to those that have it worse. It may not even be who we might think. It could be the uneducated wife that must stick with her abusive husband..or the child with brain cancer that needs radiation and chemo to make it into her teen years.
Life is hard Leigh. We know it. And for once, I believe that we really are the realists. It comes down to enjoying the hard life for what it is...not so dissimilar to the days of the cowboys with the covered wagons. We have come to a time where we expect life to be good and to live long lives. Less than 100 years ago...maybe a bit longer, people only lived to 50. We are the result of long lives and high expectations.
Realistically...take life for what it is. You are sad like Keith said because of your situation. Reach out...and make some friends. Real ones, not just the internet kinds. Most will probably be living a fantasy (like that in the matrix)...but a few will see it for what it is. I think that is the cure for the discomfort.
It isn't easy..but it is the solution I think. |
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
| MyTherapy Communities |
© MyTherapy |
|
|
| Total | Today | Yesterday | Topics: 27759
Posts: 273756 | New Topics: 0
New Posts: 202 | New Topics: 0
New Posts: 508 |
|  |
| | |
the Good, the Bad, and the rest of the story...
