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In2deep
Starting Member
2 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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 Posted - 12/18/2011 : 16:39:48
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Hi everyone...since I have no one to vent to I guess I'm gunna lay it all out here. I am 24 years old and have bipolar disorder, severe depression & severe anxiety. I take meds but no matter what, episodes always come through. I'm getting really pissed off that no doctor has found the right medications for me, I wish I could record myself during episodes so the doctors could see what's really going on. I guess since I seem calm when I go in to talk to them it does not help them get it right. I have so many problems I couldnt even list them all here. I have 3 beautiful kids who live with their father 3 hours away from me. I am with my boyfriend of 9 months, who I met while being hospitalized for med. overdose...He is trying to find a job near my kids so that we can move near them, b/c I know alot of my problems stem from being away from them and I feel so guilty and ashamed I am not there for them. Everything in this world takes money though, I am so fed up with all that bs. I had a job for about 2 months, then my anxiety & depression kicked in...called in several days from work, had to leave early several times due to anxiety and ultimately had to leave my job because of all this. How can people say that you can control your emotions, bc I don't see any possible way of controlling mine. All I want is to be normal, I don't know why I am chosen to be one of the people that has to go through this for the rest of my life. I am totally side tracked now..talking about all this. Back to the topic of being angry. I know a few reasons why I am so angry, 1. emotionally abusive relationship of 6 years (kids father) Cheating, lying, all the head games you can think of. 2. My mom dying when I was 16...I can't really think of anymore. This anger is putting a BIG strain on my current relationship. My boyfriend isn't perfect, but he is close. He is always complimenting me, and supportive of me but yet I am so mean to him & I don't understand why??? I get mad over simple stuff that does not even matter. A few days ago I got so mad that I broke a picture frame with a pic of me & him in it outside, it was glass and it shattered all over the place. Then I took our 200$ camera and smashed it on the concrete outside...its totalled. I wanted to hurt him so bad, I threw in a few punches and he was just trying to hold me down. I told him to go sleep on the couch but then when he did I went out there and made him wake up and told him if I could not sleep neither could he. I lost so much energy that day on yelling, screaming, hitting, punching...I felt like I had no control over what was happening. I always have to feel in control or superior, I wish I didn't. Does anyone else feel this way? Somebody give me some hope please!
Ashley Shingleton  |
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| Juniper 5
Super Member (250+ posts)
875 Posts
Gratitude: 30
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Posted - 12/18/2011 : 21:34:48
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| I used to be in a state where I would get uncontrollably angry and smash things as you said. My doc told me to punch a pillow when I felt like that but I dunno, that never really worked. Finding the right meds is a tough one and it takes time (I'm schizophrenic but it's same thing there - hard to find the right meds). Maybe you should write down how you are feeling, keep a journal of sorts and bring it with you to the doc that way you can express what you are feeling and they will understand. |
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| loggedin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3838 Posts
Gratitude: 324
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Posted - 12/18/2011 : 23:24:06
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The right meds won't cure you. They sure do help but you still have to learn how to get along in life.
You might be angry at your boyfriend just because he is a guy you are involved with. Anger over your ex could just be "spilling over".
Still, some of your behavior might not be as all-bad as it seems.
Smashing a picture of you and him is better than ending the relationship itself. And you might have woken him up because you needed him at the moment - which is in fact what you told him, that if you had to be up, he had to be up too. It's ambivalence: you have a reason to push him away but also a reason to pull him close, so you get a bit of both.
One thing you might try doing is to practice replacing the bad thoughts in your head with more positive thoughts. You can do this when the bad situation rises. But it's better to practice during calm times as well. Regarding your boyfriend, from what you say, he supports you (compliments, etc.), and he gives you room when you need it (go sleep on the couch). It sounds like he is one of the good ones. That might be something positive you could say to yourself: "He is one of the good ones", or "I am safe with him."
For myself, I have three such slogans that i have prepared to help me with my anger. They vary with the intensity of the anger i am feeling. The first i use is something you mentioned:
1. It doesn't matter
(this one i use to help me kind of shrug things off. I know i am upset, but the thing that is happening really doesn't matter. I'm just upset - it's just a bad feeling in my head. I think this one is more for anxiety. There is something i fear or am worried about - for me it is often worry about getting into an argument - but the threat isn't really there, it's just the past i am remembering)
2. It's not that bad
(for example, someone cuts me off in traffic. They did something to me - maybe were rude or selfish, or startled me. But it's not that bad. There wasn't a collision, and i'm still going to get where i was going anyway.
3. Let go of the anger
(this is for when i am too angry to talk myself down in any way. I'm just so angry i can't think. But i can at least remember that my anger eats away at me physiologically; really, that's what happens. Your body burns out from the hightened state of fear - autonomous nervous system...) In that kind of situation, if your not in reality fleeing danger or fighting for your life, it's best to let the anger subside. It's not easy to do, but the solution is a simple one |
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| Medicated
Super Member (250+ posts)
919 Posts
Gratitude: 29
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Posted - 12/18/2011 : 23:54:53
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The first and second step to anger management in my opinion is 1) wanting to change 2) asking for help. You've done this, and I believe you can achieve your goal(s). One option I once tried exploring was going to anger management therapy/classes, but something came up before that could happen (I was hospitalized against my will and diagnosed). Anyways, good luck and give anger management a shot.
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Tired of being angry!!
