I am new here. I don’t know where to start. I am a widower and recently remarried. But this new relationship is emotionally abusive. She has traits of BPD, but I read through the DVM and she only has 3 of the 9 traits.
There is a definite cycle, reconciliation, intense romance, followed by an incident, which leads to accusation and fighting. The cycles are of intense unrealistic praise (on the up side) complements, etc. On the downside is intense devaluation. Mostly she accuses me of ogling other women, going to on-line porn sights, of lacking empathy, being a jerk, being a voyeur, and being violent. She also is very much threatened by any friends I have and even cut me off from people I used to have relationships with. She has also managed to chase off my 2 closest sisters. Recently I changed the parameters, I rejected the accusation. That has effectively killed off the reconciliation cycle.
Has anyone ever dealt with someone like this? How do I cope?
Hi Jim, Welcome to My Therapy. I can't help you on this one but I'm sure that someone else will come along that may be able to answer. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Since you are not sure if she has BPD or not, even if she shows traits of it... I think you should take her to see a Psychiatrist for a true evaluation. If she does have BPD, there's no medication for that, the only treatments are individual therapy and group therapy with DBT module. DBT module is really intense and requires a lot of commitment.
I know divorce might be an easier way out, but if you truly love and care for her. Please take her for a proper evaluation. She might not aware of her behavior is causing you so much pain.
I hope that help! Chelle25 already posted that you need our help in another section of this forum. Help is coming!
Judy
what won't kill me will make me stronger, Right? I want to live and travel the world...
I recommend that both of you find some marriage conseling together. If you can't get her to agree, then you should go alone. You still have to deal with the problem one way or another.
If you can't afford it, nor find some free or reduced-fee service at a certain hospital or university, then i would suggest this: talk to her using statements that focus on your feelings rather than her accusations.
Thank you all for the kind input, advice, and suggestions.
She is aware that it is causing me pain, but dismisses my feelings and totally denies it being her fault. We have been to therapy together, but therapy is very dangerous. I have to be silent or I have to lie and always I have to agree with her. I can't voice my views without immensely upsetting her.
She has extremely rigid (beyond puritanical) views about fidelity and she has tried to police my thoughts.
From her perspective, I am the one who needs to be fixed. Right now I am seeing a therapist to help me cope with her.
Right now things are better, though. She moved out of our bedroom (into another bedroom) to punish me and it is calm. It is actually pleasant. I don't have to worry about which version of my wife is in bed with me.
Judy you said that Chelle25 posted something in another forum? Where would that be?
Unknown Personality disorder
Posted - 10/09/2011 : 21:59:15
