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Mood Disorder Community
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mom22galz
Super Member (250+ posts)
336 Posts
Gratitude: 148
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 Posted - 03/16/2006 : 13:23:29
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Let me start by apologizing for not properly introducing myself in another forum before creating this post. I'll try to give some history there soon, but am in desperate need of input re: my children.
They are young, only 4 and 7. We live together with their dad. And that's the issue. Anyone familiar with the Pearl Jam song "Better Man"?? In essence, that's my life.
We've been together for over 10 years and I know I don't love him. But with this lovely rapid cycling disorder and all its wonderful effects on my life, I have no confidence that I can raise our kids on my own. Not to mention whether I'd get custody if he chose to fight me for it. So it's more complicated than just being stuck in an unsatisfying relationship.
I keep telling myself "if he can't keep this job either, then that's it" or "one more screaming attack and that's it" but IT never comes. I just cave and accept whatever happens out of fear of both being alone and of losing my kids. My pdoc thinks my toxic relationship is worsening my symptoms, particularly my anger issues.
I know I have a shorter fuse with the kids when I'm upset with their dad, but I can't say I'd be any better trying to manage everything solo. While he hasn't worked much, he does do more housework than I do. And the kids need clean clothes etc.
Given his sporadic employment history, I'm not entirely sure he could even get a decent place to live on his own. And if that were the case, I can't figure out how he'd manage visitation. Sad as it sounds, I need some time for myself but don't have a lot of other support.
While my illness has caused me to take some time off from work on occassion, I've had the same employer for 14 years and make decent wages. But supporting a family of four on my income alone has caused some financial difficulty. I am presently considering selling my house and moving somewhere cheaper. The concept of moving has me thinking that it might be the right time to make the break.
Most people just don't understand what it's like to live with BP and give me input that doesn't even take it into account. I am hoping the group here might be of more help since this whole forum deals with raising kids!
Thanks everyone :-}
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| slc_momto4
Starting Member
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Posted - 03/21/2006 : 21:15:42
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I am in a very similar situation that you have told us about.
I have four children 16, 13, 9 & 5.
My father died the same year that
my five year old was born, the same year that the 9-11-2001 attack happened and this was the year that my problems began.
I KNOW I was overwhelmed when my last child was born. She was a 'surprise' pregnancy, I was happy with three children and it took me 4-5 months to stop the every day crying (hormones came into play with the crying too) for me to adjust to being pregnant with three children and a husband that, as you described you felt you were not in love with him anymore.
After I went two years of agonizing on if I should go to the doctor for my mood swings, depression, anger, hopelessness, etc... I finally went.
The doctors I have been to have been nice, good to talk to and have tried to find a medicine (combination) that would help my condition but in the end, I have felt more like a lab mouse than any thing else. They say, "Let's TRY this....". Why, why, would I want to TRY any thing!!!??? It's like we have days, weeks, months, years to TRY various medications to get us to be 'normal' again. That has been my frustration for sure.
I am currently on Effexor XR 450mg, Trazadone 25mg (at night for sleep) and Clonazepam 1mg as needed; on extremly bad days I take the Clonazepam every 3 hours to keep an even head. I am going in next week to talk to my doc. about the Effexor, I am still down A LOT and most of the time hopeless so with all of the meds. out there I know there is a better med. to help with the depression.
As far as the kids go, I understand where you are.
Try to get them to do seperate things, one plays in one room while the other is at the kitchen table coloring or some other activity. Try to keep the TV off as much as possible as this background noise will only agitate you more, I have found that to be SO true for myself, I can't really listen to the radio with the kids home since they make so much of their own noise that it drives me up the wall.
As far as the custody goes, I understand where you are there too.
I have considered separation or divorce several times in the past 3 years but, being a stay-at-home mom for 15 years without my own income AND the medical records available to the attorneys, yeah, like I would get custody.
So..... I stay. I'm not physically abused only emotionally - which you and I know that fuels our 'issues' but, until I can get my 'issues' under control and get some schooling in to get a good job, the four kids and I will stay and continue to take each day as it comes.
Good luck to you,
Sharon
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