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Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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 Posted - 11/21/2010 : 06:52:42
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Dealing with suicidal thoughts:
I remember those that DIED.
Hi my name is Dave,
I’m not quite sure how I got thinking on this topic tonight other than to say I was feeling down and could not help but think of the many people I have known that did in fact end up killing themselves.
Many times I have fond myself staring down the barrel of a gun, precariously hanging over cliffs and high rise buildings, walking into oncoming traffic and or simply heading off into the wild blue yonder with a death wish. I know to well that feeling of despair that drains the life blood out so fast, your left either on your knees & or curled up in a little ball clutching at that empty cold space rooted deep within your core. It knows no reason, nor pity’s or cares…its just pure pain that leaves you feeling abandoned in a very dark, damp & cold space…will I or wont I?…should I or shouldn’t I?
I remember Bradley…a young 22 year old man…He befriended me and we worked together cutting down eucalyptus trees and thrashing the leaves where we would then boil them to make eucalyptus oil…couple a hundred for a 44 gallon drum…He was my best friend at that time…eventually we started picking apples to give the trees a break. I remember like it was yesterday when I jumped out of the rover and ran up to the steps and knocked on the door. It was like 5:30am and the air was crispy cold with a bit of moisture about…it was time to go to work…after some time his Grandma answered the door. She was a bit quiet and white looking at first…I repeated myself asking where Brad was as time was a wasting…she simply said “He’s out the back hanging off the clothes line” I was stunned and simply asked where he was again to which I was given the same response. The police had not yet arrived and his grandma had only just found him……….I was beside myself and life was never the same for me in that little town…It took me quite a few bottle of grog and a few sessions at the cemetery before I left that town in my wake.
I remember Julie…she was about 21 & I was 16…She was a beautiful red head who stood quite a few inches taller than I. I was living in Kings Cross…a bit of an underground hangout where all the taboo stuff was going on in Sydney city during the early 80’s. I was one of many homeless kids…I used to do hard drugs, played my hand in prostitution just as Julie did. I robbed, rolled, stole and did many shameful things to survive a whirlwind of chaos in those times…Julie was special to me, because she spoke to my soft side during a time I had to pretend I was steel…often when I longed for a good meal and a warm dry place, I would head off to a burnt out squat where I made a nest for myself…Julie came a few times to seek shelter……we often spoke of bright and colorful things…I wanted to sleep with her so bad, but she refused disclosing to me about having aids as most of my friends had…I don’t think I really knew the gravity of it, other than her willingness to protect me. We never hung in each others pockets or anything, but I can tell you when I saw her a week later lying in the street having ODed on whatever crap she was given…My heart was ripped out on the spot and as soon as I recovered I near joined her not long after.
I wont go into speculation on the difference between ODing and Suicide…
Getting a bit tired now, & I think I did well to get that off my chest…I know of too many people close to my heart that went on to hang themselves, slash their wrists and over dose…
I’d like to talk about them later, but more importantly my own attempts and how I am still able to breath today, having lived amongst all that despair. If you don’t mind, I want to share!
Getting late and my wife calling me to bed.
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Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.  |
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 11/21/2010 : 19:54:21
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Thank you for sharing Davekyn, you have lived a life that few of us know. I can not begin to understand fully. I believe though that you can discuss painful topics that others hide from.
You remind me of the ugly things in life that I have hid from. One day I might share...(if I don't get flagged anymore)
Jody |
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| Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166
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Posted - 11/21/2010 : 22:42:27
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Your welcome Jody. I really only have my on experiences to go by. I do try to take care in my revelations. I consider this forum, although public...somewhat comfortable for me to talk is considering the heading "MyTheropy"........well not always comfortable, but none the less a place I can share, even if that be with myself.
To put things in perspective...each of us has our own way with dealing with pain. When each of us reaches that point with no hope in sight, there is no comparison to which road, would of, or could of. At the same time I was standing on a high rise in Sydney, contemplating my pain and weighing it all up...The things that led me to that point can have no comparison to another person standing on a high rise, about to jump in Hong Kong. Despite our differences the Pain is very much the same.
We may think & reason differently differently, but just like that pain being the same, I also believe our will to live is the same. Perhaps one will may be more vulnerable that the other...but deep down...despite the overwhelming urge to give up...no one really wants to die. I guess it's all about taking hold of that reservation, that glimmer of hopeless hope and making the most out of that.
I know the Julie took more than she wanted to take when ODing, as I personally knew her goals and aspirations prior to that event...Brad was once of those - never saw it coming suicides" & Sam was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If Sam did not have 4 walls closing him in, I guess he would of had other options at the time and who knows...Perhaps if Brad had not drunk as much and talked to me a little more on just how he was feeling...so many variables.
I'm not trying to propose anything here other than reason why I should not jump or why I did not. The focus we put on such things can make or break the event...At first I simply mounted the side railing like a grass hopper stair all the way down the high rise...I had been out all night and taken along for a ride so to speak...It's how I lived from building to escape the streets and its sorted affairs. At first I pondered how quick such a death would be, but to cut a long story short...when someone grabbed my ankle and the focus was upon my vulnerability to jump...My passing thoughts where heightened and I very nearly did jump...Once again circumstances to which I could right that one off as just an unconscious thought playing with the idea. Other times when I woke up on the side of a cliff...reality would hit home quite hard on how much I did not want to die...yet I still felt like crap...Guns are not a good thing to be around when toying with such thoughts...thoughts may be fleeting, but bullets are faster!!!!!!!
I've never been one to mark myself...my daughter does this as does my oldest son. One day I caught him telling my youngest daughter...That's not a Cut...This is a Cut!!!! (too many movies for that kid)...however his emphasis on the other only looking for attention to his comparison of being the real thing.........had me jump straight on in with that discussion, telling my daughter that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting attention!!! My Son was taken back and not sure what to say....however I think he might of got something out of that...well I hope so. I have no problem with people who cut themselves...perhaps the action itself upsets me...but I do understand the pain and wish I could only do more to help those individuals.........Rejection/Defiance/Cultish or whatever......There is nothing wrong in seeking attention as long as people can see it for what it is.
Anyways...The 3 of us are still breathing which is a good thing 
I try not to focus on looking for such attention but rather give attention...the kind that I would otherwise seek; & do my best to give it to myself...that way when I'm not overly serious I can act the clown and make my kids laugh ...my wife and a few others might see me as mad...but I'd rather be mad with a smile than Dead with none.
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Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. |
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I Remember those that DIED.
