everytime my mind gets screwed up and it always does because of this illness bipolar i feel pain in my chest emotional and i want to end it! like, sometimes i think that i just should not exist i have so many freakin problems in my head that i can't make go away since i was like 15 i've been screwed up i'm now 39, it never ends. many people love me and i'm like ugh i wish i could see in me the way they do. i beg god to fix me! i'm also a recovering alchoholic of 20 years so i should give myself a break i've been sober now the first time will be a year this nov. and for the past 20 years the alcohol and bipolar made me want to kill myself everyday. i just want to fix my thinking and make the emotional pain go away, it seems like it never will. besides i want to live i'd never hurt myself it just hurts so much to be alive alot and i wish it would go away.
Congrats Boticelli on being sober! That is a huge accomplishment! You probably know it is best to surround yourself with people that are either in recovery themselves or to not associate with the drinkers and partiers. That will make you feel a bit better.
I feel the deep sorrow and pain that you do, I believe. I have had alot of losses and pain and suffering in my life. I find what helps me alot is focusing on helping others, like here on MT. I hope I can help you to know that you are not alone. I can't make the pain go away but I can listen and offer compassion. Accept the love that is given to you, mmmm-kay? Try to find a hobby. I started making jewelry, I was very creative 30 years ago, it was still dormant I just needed to light that fire, for me it's going to a bead store and gathering things to make into something pretty. Maybe you like to read or write. Or paint. Or are good at sports. Pets are good, my 2 girls, my Turkish Angora cats, they saved my life when I was in the deepest, darkest, bottomless pit of despair. They love me unconditionally and give me a purpose, something else to nurture, something else that depends upon me for their survival.
Keep talking about your pain, if you can. I write very dark poetic thoughts, it helps to get it out from inside of me. I will check in with you later, I'm very tired and I'm going to sleep now. Take care. I really do care. Remember you're not alone!
can't deal then wish i was dead
Posted - 10/22/2010 : 07:30:44
That is a huge accomplishment! You probably know it is best to surround yourself with people that are either in recovery themselves or to not associate with the drinkers and partiers. That will make you feel a bit better.
