|
|
Mood Disorder Community
|
| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Nici
Starting Member
7 Posts
Gratitude: 2
|
 Posted - 09/06/2009 : 04:39:21
|
Hi there
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last year May. I have been in denial until this morning. From last January til now I have managed to lose my 2nd husband, my relationship with my brother and sister every single one of my life long friends. I have only one now who was away while all this was going on and has only recently come back into the country. I have been on medication non the less and been taking it religiously (Topomax and Cymbolta) since May, but still have hectic depressive episodes. Last night I went to the book store after my kids had gone to their dad and feeling like ending my life like every other day..... it feels like i live hanging from a thread..... and found a book called "overcoming bipolar disorder". I am now busy with the 2nd module and I have to say that at least now I have finally seen that yes. ok. thats me in that book. Now I can move forward. Thing is this depression that I am in, this constant anger that I am feeling all the time has a lot to do ( I am in active therapy once a week) with the past men in my life.
1. My Dad, who was an alcoholic and committed suicide when I was 10.
I am SO filled with anger and resentment that it has affected
every other relationship (besides the bipolar of course) that I
have tried to have. How, where do I begin to forgive????
2. My brother. My mother died of cancer when I was 15. My brother who
was 12 years older than I was was left to look after me. I was at
boarding school in another province so only home in holidays. He
was also named executor of my trust. He was so effected by my
mothers death that he lost his job, sold his business and spent his
days on our family farm drinking away his sorrows for the next 2
years. He also robbed me of my trust fund which was taken away from
his control which I only found out years later when the
transactions were shown to me when there were no funds left for me
to finish my degree.He does not know that I know this. I have not
Ever mentioned it. I have just cut him out of my life since May
last year completely. I told him off. Not why just to leave me
alone. Whether or not I ever speak to him again to be harboring
such angst in ones soul is debilitating. How do I forgive him. Over
and above all this he also treated me with SUCH resentment over the
years as he was stuck with having the burden of having to raise me.
His girlfriend now wife despised me as his attention was always (in
her opinion) shared. I have not had a family Christmas with my
'family' since 1990 and I am only 35.
My Ex Husband #1. (father of my children) Alchoholic and abusive
husband. He has now been sober for 2 years!!!
after a many traumatic telephone conversations
between him and myself he walked himself into rehab.
But SO MUCH went on in the 7 years before and
although he has turned himself around and is looking
great and is a fabulous father now and speaks to me
so nicely.... I can barely look him in the eye.
I am SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
Please Help ME.
It would be so nice to be able to have a good relationship with him.
How do I forgive him for the way he treated me.... ?
 |
|
| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
   |
Posted - 09/06/2009 : 20:05:31
|
Hi Nici
So Dad and your brother never cared for you as family should...they were both toxic to your development... you should feel angry...families are meant to be soft warm nurturing places...you never knew love...well that describes my family as a child...yours too?
Perhaps your sister?
Aim for acceptance....forgiveness might be too big a step....for now..
The good thing is you can have a life after all of this.
Concentrate on building your life.
Angry people do tend to alienate people like friends...apologies work.
23 years of abuse and 27 years of learning about love and families.
Sue
|
|
| Rainbowfish
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5628 Posts
Gratitude: 637
|
Posted - 09/10/2009 : 11:33:07
|
Hi Nici and welcome to the forums! I have so much anger and I don't know how to find it (inside of me) either. I get so scattered in my thoughts when I try to make sense of my crazy life. I am trying hard to pull myself up and out of the depression pit, it's so very hard! I have the same problem with friends, I no longer allow myself to get close to anyone. I figure it's better to avoid than to have what few feelings of self I have left to get trampled upon again. Probably not the best way to think. I'm in therapy and honestly don't know how I could or if I could forgive. I wonder if I'm too shallow and selfish to really be a true friend.
My father left us when I was 6 years old to become a merchant marine and travel about the world. I have not seen him since 1989 but finally spoke to him several years ago. He is very old and in ill health and I can't bring myself to confront him with this 42 year abandonment.
My mother controlled my life and somehow I allowed it, for 36 years.
My former husband took my daughter away from me when she was 3. I was never able to build a relationship with her and I feel so much pain inside, being so helpless and unable to fight such an evil being (her dad) although I tried down to my very last dollar.
My current husband is in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Our relationship is strained because of the odd position we're in.
My family is completely torn apart. Or maybe I'm the one totally apart from them?
RAINBOWFISH |
|
| Nici
Starting Member
7 Posts
Gratitude: 2
|
Posted - 09/10/2009 : 12:36:17
|
| Thanx Rainbowfish I am sorry to hear about your situation. Where is your daughter now? |
|
| shades_of_nadia
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2322 Posts
Gratitude: 362
|
Posted - 09/10/2009 : 16:07:08
|
nici,, it certainly seems like you have had the **** end of the stick for such a long time..
im sorry,, i think sue is right, forgiveness is too much to bear right now,, it takes baby steps to get over such awful things, trust me, we all know!
rainbow, every time you tell a little more of your life story, the more heart wrenching it becomes,, but im sure that is the case with nearly everyone here..
i think there comes a time when things must get better, and we have to learn how to cope,while its happening, and its definitely not always easy...
nici,, may i ask where you are from? you speak of provinces,, the only ppl i know of that do that are french and south africans!
personally, im in south africa.
hope to hear from you again soon!
welcome!
Iron ore may think itself senselessly tortured in the furnace, but as the tempered steel blade looks back, it knows better... |
|
| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
  |
Posted - 09/10/2009 : 17:02:37
|
hi nicci
i used to live on farms hope someday to own one , that helps disabled etc people.
i will come back to your post.
i have had a very long day. and i hear myu dog max trying to break open my salad from mcdonalds.
i want you to know that YOU CAN LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. YOU CAN BEAT THIS.
AND IF YOU STICK AROUND WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO HELP YOU.
you are a good person, and im sure your a good mom.
welcome to my therapy.
i like your honesty and insight. i have anger issues to. i never knew my dad. was abused etc.
so i will follow your blog i may not say much but i will read it.
i understand your suicidal thoughts feelings. i have them too.
but i know that its the disability and its complications. so i have learned to acceppt that some times that i will feel depressed. and stuff.
i love everyone red,white,blue and every other frequency and spectrum to. |
|
| Nici
Starting Member
7 Posts
Gratitude: 2
|
Posted - 09/13/2009 : 09:47:23
|
Hi
Yes I am from South Africa.
This weekend has been especially bad. I think things are coming to a head now. My very few friends are realising that I still have feelings for my ex and no matter how I try hide this even from myself I dont think I can deny it any more. I just cannot face the pain of rejection if he doesnt feel the same way. I spent the weekend with my good friend and she has had enough of my crying episodes and told me enough is enough and that she wants to see my therapist. I told her that I was bipolar. This is all becoming very real to me and all extremely scary, but I have been crying non stop since May last year now and quite frankly I have had enough myself. I feel so sorry for my children who have to see their pathetic mother trying to put one foot in front of the other fighting for each breath every minute of every day. |
|
| shades_of_nadia
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2322 Posts
Gratitude: 362
|
Posted - 09/16/2009 : 15:23:25
|
nici, dear,,if the meds are still leaving you teary yed even after such a long time,, sigh,,i dunno,maybe you need an adjustment..?
i dont know if this will help, but heres a poem i wrote about forgiveness:
FORGIVENESS (2008)
I forgive you, I forget you, and I still wish I’d never met you;
There were times that I missed you, but that’s all behind me now.
We’re moving on with our lives, we’ve removed all the knives;
From our backs the wounds still bleed, but given time they will heal.
The scars will remain and I still recoil when I hear your name,
But it’s a bearable kind of pain; it reminds me I’m alive and I’m still sane.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to suffer your company;
I’m moving on without you, because you never deserved me,
You tried to break me and you failed miserably.
Now I can fully enjoy the life I want to lead.
I wouldn’t lose any sleep over you,
Because our relationship is finished, over and through.
No more compromise or negotiations,
Misunderstandings or manipulation.
The one thing that I know for sure,
Is that I have finally closed that door.
You cannot beg your way back into my heart,
You were the one that ripped us apart.
I will not suffer one more degrading disgrace,
Simply put; I never want to see your face
forgiveness means moving on... however you feel you need to do that.
Iron ore may think itself senselessly tortured in the furnace, but as the tempered steel blade looks back, it knows better... |
|
| shades_of_nadia
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2322 Posts
Gratitude: 362
|
Posted - 09/25/2009 : 15:03:55
|
still hanging in there nici...?
Iron ore may think itself senselessly tortured in the furnace, but as the tempered steel blade looks back, it knows better... |
|
| Nici
Starting Member
7 Posts
Gratitude: 2
|
Posted - 09/26/2009 : 09:37:12
|
Hi
My Dr is phasing me on to lamictin and i must say i am indeed feeling less weepy but taking it day by day. Your poem is excellent, thank you so much for sharing it with me. I think for my father and my brother it is right on the money. However I AM very much still clinging to the hope of my family getting back together, and the fact that the father of my children the 3rd person that I needed or need to forgive has now been sober for over 2 years, is just about to graduate from his MBA has proven for 2 years now that he is a devoted and consistent father to his children, has been in therapy with me(recently after 5 years of divorce) to address the anger and communication issues for the benefit of our children, has not once made a move on me in this time so I do not even know if he IS even open to the idea or not.... but... I dont even know him sober and gentle and kind. BUT I so desperately would like to get to know him. I know I cant now as A.) I still have to forgive him. B.) He is still busy with his dissertation. and C.) I honestly don't think I could cope with the rejection!!!! In 5 years he has not had another woman. He begged to have me back and up until 2 years ago ( the day he sobered up) would call me up to 17 times a day telling me how much he loves me.... in fact, even when he was in rehab and I was holding his hand through his therapy and he was sober then, he told me then how much he loved me. Either way, I am stuck. I am stuck not knowing it is this man that is ruling my life and i CAN NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYES EVERY FRIDAY WHEN HE IS IN MY HOUSE TO FETCH THE CHILDREN, i tense up, and i cannot talk to him. I grit my teeth and I want to scream at him. Then once I see him drive off, I wish he would just take me with. And then I just fall to pieces all by myself.
Nici |
|
| Nici
Starting Member
7 Posts
Gratitude: 2
|
Posted - 10/07/2009 : 05:29:18
|
Somebody PLEASE pull the plug! I truly wish my little children did not depend on me so emotionally. It has been too long. Therapy once a week for 17 months, a ridiculous amount of medication. The tears wont stop. The sadness just wont go away. The only thing I have any energy for is loving them. The only thing good in my life is them. The only thing keeping me here is them. I barely open my eyes, tell them to get up, they get a lift to school and I ly in bed ALL day staring at the wall crying intermitently. I cannot read, I cannot watch TV, I cannot even get up to feed the dogs. Hell, today, I even listened while the rubbish truck drove past unable to even take it out. Then, when its time to fetch my children, I take a shower, fetch them, come home, half heartedly clean up ( my 7 year old son does most of it happily), then I barely make supper and climb back into bed and do homework if they need help and what ever else from there till we all go sleep at seven. That is my life.
The muncipality even want to close down my business, (which can pretty much sustain itself thank God or how else could I cope with this -)now as it is in a residential area, after which a am SCREWED financially! The father of my children has lost HIS business due to the recession so I get no child support from him and he does not seem to give a damn when I tell him what I am going through.
I so desperately need somebody to just care for a minute you know. Just someone. I even think, that if I were to take my kids to their dad, and do myself in who the hell would be there to sort my things out for me? Who would care enough to go through my stuff and clean out my cupboards and make sure my dogs were cared for?
Who would find me? Would anyone find me? Then I think perhaps I should just go to my brothers who treated me so badly and let him find me on his driveway. |
|
| shades_of_nadia
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2322 Posts
Gratitude: 362
|
Posted - 10/07/2009 : 09:10:36
|
nici, dear, pls go to a professional, or phone lifeline, as soon as possible.
i have BEEN where you are now,, and im sorry to say, but if you let it, it will take over your life and spiral you into hell. you need help, immediately.
its damn hard climbing out of the hole you are sinking into now,, so pls do what i was too stupid to do when i was drowning in depression, and reach out and ask for help, physically..
pls remember one thing,, there is always hope. always.
you are entering a very dark depression, and you need help to get out of it, and the sooner, the better..
if i may ask, what kind of business do you run..? i'll try to see if i can find a loophole in that whole stupid section of the law..
Iron ore may think itself senselessly tortured in the furnace, but as the tempered steel blade looks back, it knows better... |
|
| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
|
| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
|
| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
|
| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
| MyTherapy Communities |
© MyTherapy |
|
|
| Total | Today | Yesterday | Topics: 27759
Posts: 273428 | New Topics: 0
New Posts: 382 | New Topics: 21
New Posts: 219 |
|  |
| | |
How do I forgive
