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TOO SOON OLD, TOO LATE SMART

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EVERGREEN
Full Member (100+ posts)

136 Posts
Gratitude: 5

Posted - 07/22/2005 : 17:53:31

TOO SOON OLD, TOO LATE SMART: Thirty true things you need to know now. by. Gordon Livingston, M.D.,

Book Description
From a psychiatrist who has spent the past thirty years listening to other people's most intimate secrets and troubles-an eloquent, incisive, and deeply perceptive book about the things we all share-and which every one of us grapples with as we strive to make the most of the life we have left. He has listened to people talk about their lives-what works, what doesn't-and the limitless ways (most of them self-inflicted) that we have found to be unhappy. He is also a parent twice bereaved. In one thirteen-month period, he lost his eldest son to suicide, his youngest to leukemia. Out of a lifetime of experience, Livingston has extracted thirty bedrock truths:
* We are what we do.
* Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least.
* The perfect is the enemy of the good.
* Only bad things happen quickly.
* Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing.
*The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas.

Livingston illuminates these and twenty-four others in a series of carefully hewn, perfectly calibrated essays, many of which emphasize our closest relationships and the things that we do to impede or, less frequently, enhance them. Again and again, these essays underscore that "we are what we do," and that while there may be no escaping who we are, we also have the capacity to face loss, misfortune, and regret and to move beyond them-that it is not too late. Full of things we may know but have not articulated to ourselves, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is a gentle and generous alternative to the trial-and-error learning that makes wisdom such an expensive commodity. For everyone who feels a sense of urgency that the clock ticks and still we aren't the person we'd like to be, it offers solace, guidance, and hope.

About the Author
GORDON LIVINGSTON, M.D., a graduate of West Point and the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, has been a physician since 1967. He is a psychiatrist and writer who contributes frequently to the Washington Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Baltimore Sun, and Readers Digest. Awarded the Bronze Star for valor in Vietnam, he is also the author of Only Spring. He lives and works in Columbia, Maryland.

EVERGREEN

j_colo
Starting Member

17 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 11/29/2005 : 15:33:44

hi all

my first day here - great discovery for me!

As I said in my "I'm new here" post, http://mytherapy.com/discussion/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1940
I'm a huge, voracious reader, and when it became clear I was depressed and my marriage was in shambles (one year ago) I began reading up on depression, relationships/marriage, love, happiness, etc. etc.

I read Dr Livingston's book, and it might be the case that it just fit where "I'm at" at this point in time, it is definitely an excellent, thought-provoking read.

Livingston has the uncommon ability to be concise and simple in going over the 30 things he's learned...but in a way that really gets the point across. Thirty things he's learned from himself and from giving some thought to all the people he's seen/counseled for decades who come to him with some of life's biggest troubles. He doesn't preach or pontificate; he doesn't come across as "I'm the expert, I know all the answers (to depression, life, love, happiness, parenting, aging, and so on) here's what you need to do/not do to fix it." Rather, he just lays out what he sees as the traps people fall into and the basis of many people's issues they have in their lives--which, as he effectively points out, are often of their own doing and are things they need to take responsibility for, rather than spending their time figuring out why and who did this to me...just change some habits, change some attitudes, don't worry about who's to blame, and work to create a different reality in your life.

Good example is Chapter 2, which I must have read half a dozen times (only takes about 10 minutes) is "you are what you do." What you actually ARE in your life, in this world and society, is what you DO. Not what you think, not what you say, not what you feel, believe, promise, or intend to do. You are what you do. Sounds too simplistic, stating the obvious, even kind of trite...but dang if that chapter didn't just have me in hours of really deep thought about myself and others in my life...came to some realizations and enlightenment about some things and some people that have really helped. Much of the book is like that--it seems too simple and "well, duh" but it's really not...

I recommend the book to anyone.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

-Abraham Lincoln

Ferengi (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

3264 Posts
Gratitude: 332
Very wise Very honest

Posted - 11/30/2005 : 13:31:11

I hate to tell you this but Abraham Lincoln suffered badly from depression, he was not a happy person.

Ferengi

j_colo
Starting Member

17 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 11/30/2005 : 18:27:50

Yes! I've read a couple of in-depth articles about Lincoln and his depression. One person close to him descibed times he would see Lincoln just be the absolute life of the party, witty and joking and having the crowd in the palm of his hand...then a few hours later he would find him alone in a room, staring miserably into the fireplace, sometimes for most of the night. I think that it's a remarkable and inspiring that Lincoln, who clearly suffered crushing depression (and had the weight of some terrible, terrible events in his life, deaths of siblings, death of a spouse, and last & certainly not least, presiding over a war where (I think) over 600,000 men were killed)and yet he still managed to be one of the most respected and accomplished leaders in American history. All before psychiatry and AD's, too.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

-Abraham Lincoln

EVERGREEN
Full Member (100+ posts)

136 Posts
Gratitude: 5

Posted - 12/06/2005 : 13:36:51

J. Colo, I completely agree with your assessment of Lincoln. If anyone was ENTITLED to be depressed, he certainly was. His wife, Mary Lincoln, also suffered from severe depression which laid heavily on the shoulders of Mr. Lincoln. However, it is the measure of the man that he could still say "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -- Abraham Lincoln Note, that he said "most people" not "all people." However, taking responsibility for our own happiness is one of the keys to fighting off depression. Too many of us look out side ourselves for happiness. We are looking for that miracle pill or person who will make us happy. NO ONE can make us happy. As Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." We have to make up OUR MINDS to be happy and find happiness within ourselves. It's there! We just have to dig it up.

EVERGREEN

j_colo
Starting Member

17 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 12/12/2005 : 12:48:59

gosh, preaching to the choir, evergreen!!!

Yes, I hadn't noticed the "most people" distinction. Abe certainly must have realized that "some" people are in unhappy, black states of mind because of a medical/brain chemistry condition.

So, to be on-topic, I think that Livingston makes wonderful points in the book about people wanting happiness to come from something or someone, when it is something YOU have, you do, you create, you decide to be. Livingston makes the point of "the perfect is the enemy of the good" which I've heard before, but like so much of what he writes in this book, it's put so plainly and simply and no-nonsense, yet well written and thought-provoking that it just had me taking a new look at it and really seeing what it meant.

As written in my "new guy" post, I had low-level dysthymia (sp) type depression for a long, long time (I then plunged into major depression for a few months, but I digress). Although definitely some biological/genetic factors involved, I think much of my dissatifaction with life and my unhappiness over the years was because things (life in general, spouse, job, home, play, money, etc. etc.) were, in my mind, just not good enough. I'd be happy if they were better, right? But think about it, as pointed out by my Pastor (and others), look at the entertainment people, movie stars, rock stars and the like. They have all the money and "things" they want, their choice from a zillion different people as spouses/partners/mates, the adoration and fame and power that many people want, and geez they are just as depressed and dysfuncional and well, screwed up as any of the rest of us!

Anyway, I've concluded that I have been tremendously blessed, and I'm learning (making up my mind) to be happy and satisfied with what I have now, and to count my blessings and not be thinking about how there should be "better" things/people in my life. And that awareness is so liberating it's just amazing! And this book was part of my eye-opening with that.

J

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

-Abraham Lincoln

j_colo
Starting Member

17 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 12/12/2005 : 12:52:43

OH, yeah

another huge (and valid) point made by Livingston is that the antidepressents can alleviate some depression, that is "fix" it if your brain chemistry is out of whack, but the AD's WILL NOT bring you HAPPINESS. Big difference.

J

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

-Abraham Lincoln