I guess my battle with bipolar started early in childhood. But they didnt diagnose me with it then. I was depressed and I tried to commit suicide at 12. I nearly succeeded. After a brief stay in the hospital, i ran away from it and tried never to go back. My depressions were off again and on again. I tried to self medicate with "speed" and that worked, for a while.
Fast forward to 1993. I was working in a good job, that payed well, but I wasnt really happy with it. I had to commute about an hour each way and that was no fun during the winter. My brother who I didnt know very well committed suicide. and that started the whole depression thing going again. I missed a whole month of work. I started getting pyschotic. The pdoc only saw the depression and psychosis? and tried me on prozac (which made me feel like I was jumping out of my skin) and haldol.
That was enough to get me to go back to work, where I would still cry at my desk. I started therapy and I had a lot of anger. I didnt have faith at first but then I started praying and going to church. That made me feel better too.
I guess the second to the last time I had a breakdown is when I lost control completely. I was flying high....I wasnt sleeping, wasnt eating very much. I felt great was down to 110 lbs the only thing was that I wasnt doing any work at work. Oh I would try but my attention span was very small. I went to my pdoc and told him what was happening. This is when i was dx'd with bipolar. He suggested lithium and another drug. All I remember was sleeping for a month, just waking up to use the bathroom and getting something to eat and then going back to sleep again. My supervisor at work wanted me to call everyday. I did as I was told. Finally I guess they had enough of my absences at work and my pdoc told them I would probably never get well enough to work at a stressful job like I did. Thats when I was "retired" with a disability.
Meanwhile my marriage was falling apart. My younger son was getting into trouble and dragging me into it. and I was about to lose my home.
All those things happened. I got a divorce. I almost went to jail because of my younger son. I lost my job. and I almost lost my home, but I was able to sell it before they foreclosed on it.
I was poor, but I had the small pension to help me through. I went to food banks to get food for the family. I also had to ask the church once for money to buy my meds so I wouldnt go nuts and end up in the hospital.
My mom got sick and I moved away from my home, down to a nother smaller town. I didnt know where to go or what to do. So that is what I did. I bought me a car (from the sale of the house) and I have lived here for the past 5 years.
I am still in therapy and I take my meds faithfully. Last April I guess I built up a tolerance to one of them because I was getting manicy but I didnt recognize the signs.
I have a new pdoc that put me on depakote (depabloat lol) and a few other meds that I mentioned in my introduction.
I feel that I am stronger now that I was even last April. I still get medium highs and medium lows and cry at a moments notice. But this is my cross and I have to carry it and its not that big of a cross anyway.
Well thats my story up until now. If you want to know more about me and my battle with bipolar I would love to chat with you.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lillyz. Its a good one. It helps me understand my life when I read about yours. I will write mine some day. I hope I can express it as well as you did. GentleLady
For your support. I know when you feel like opening up to others it might be difficult, but its also freeing.
my story is probably similar to others. Even tho the ride has been rough at times, I feel that faith, meds and therapy have gotten me through it.
as an addition, I met and married a wonderful man. We have been married for about a year and he completely understands my disorder.
I forgot to put that in there, I was just thinking about the parts that I had lost. But there is sunshine at the end of the tunnel. And that is where I am at now. Basking in the sunshine
Lilyz, That is a beautiful, inspiring story. You made it through everything that I now fear may happen to me, yet it all worked out for the better in the end. It's nice to hear that another person with bp has become successful despite the obsticles. Thanks for sharing leeruok
Although I am not diagnosed with Bipolar illness, it does not disqualify me from acknowledging what you have shared with us in a very honest, thought provoking way!
Yours in admiration and community friendship, David
If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!
My Story
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 08:50:30
