I guess I will start from age 13 which is the first time I tried to kill myself. Around that time is also when I started self-mutilation. I felt unhappy all the time. My home life was miserable and I had been physically and emotionally abused most of my childhood with my adoptive parents. I didn't ever get help as a teenager because my parents wanted to brush me and my problems under the rug. I moved out of home at the age of 16 and the self mutilation continued and I started to drink and do drugs. I rented a room in a house where I was then sexual abused by the much older man who owned the house. Between 16 and 18 I tried to kill myself again. I still didn't get any proffessional help. At 18 I found my birth mother and went to visit her in Alberta. (I lived in Ontario) When I went to visit I so badly wanted acceptance and love. That coupled with the abusive situation is was in I let her convince me to move to Alberta and live with her and her husband. Things started to go downhill about the same time all my belongings arrived from ontario. I realized that she had quite a few problems herself and that I couldn't live up to the expectations that she placed upon me.I overdosed on pills and vodka and ended up in the hospital but only briefly because by that time I had gotten very good at talking my way out of being committed to the psych ward. A few weeks later I was kicked out. She was going to drop me off at a shelter in the city but I was able to find a place to stay with the town librarian. It was an extremely scary time far from anyone I new and surrounded by strangers. I went to live in this new place which was in the same town my birth mother lived and she started spreading horrible rumors all over the very small town. The only good thing about this time is I met my now husband who is the nephew of the women I went to live with. We progressed very quickly in our relationship and were engaged within a month. We moved to Edmonton and the next four years were a rollercoaster of unstability, peppered with good moments like our wedding. I was a boiling pot of emotions that I couldn't deal with, severe depression and what I now know was mania. I attempted suicide another handful of times and ended up finally being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ocd, and adhd. I was put on one medication after another, none that worked affectivly or lasted long. During one severe manic episode I slept with someone else and that of course caused major marriage problems. Eventually we moved back to Ontario so I could be near my adoptive family (which relationship had healed some by that time). We drove across the country in a Uhaul with our three cats and all our belongings. By this time we were having major financial problems due in part to my manic shopping sprees. My moods were still unstable even in a more comfortable environment. After more severe depression and a few more suicide attempts I was committed to the psych ward in the hospital. I was dealing with a psychiatrist who refuted the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and said that I only had borderline personality disorder. She took me off all bipolar meds and soon after my release I fell into an even deeper depression and was hospitalized again this time in a different hospital. The psychiatrist there said that I did have bipolar and was the first doctor to try me on lithium. Finally things were a little brighter. I didn't really feel happy but the depression and mania were a bit more under control. I also entered a live in cognitive behavioural therapy program which helped a little bit as well. I've still had my up and downs over the past few years, and things got out of control again when we found out my husband is unable to have kids, but overall things have looked up. I'm not constantly in the deepest of depression or of the wall manic. My doctor has started me on lamotrigine to try and balance things out even more. I'm still on disability and can't work, but I have a personal support worker now who I can talk to and work through my social and personal anxieties with. My husband and I are in marriage counselling and working through our issues, and I continue to work hard to try and get better, and to improve myself. I am glad to have found this blog too to get some peer support.
My heart goes out to you Lisa, on hearing what all has gone with you. What ever the diagnosis you get, I feel you are a human after all and deserves to be treated like that. I know its not possible to rewind the time and and start life in a much better way but still I pray and wish that your wounds heal fast. Hugs Lisa
Being a social site for people stressed and ill at mind, members here generally understand each other miseries and offer huge support care guidance and affection. Please try to visit as often as you like.
I felt crippled when I joined here an year back, but with the support I received here I feel much better these days.
Do please talk out as often as you like. Opening up helps in self thought clarity and will probably give you better chance of knowing the world around you as you begin to get acceptance for your environment.
I congratulate you on finding this wonderful site of Dr Long, in your attempt to find peace and satisfaction in life.
Warm welcome once again
Searche
LUCKY are those who get the chance to learn, how to live life, and HOLY are those who gives them this opportunity'
As per me it shows your capability to analyse things much better Lisa, and makes me believe much more strongly about your prospective healing and living a happy and content life.
You have good understanding and compassion for the people, and I once again Congratulate you for this great perspective that you of have in your life.
Searche
LUCKY are those who get the chance to learn, how to live life, and HOLY are those who gives them this opportunity'
i have the industrial streangh bipolar disorder and more things in common with you.
your post will help thousands of peopple in time.
your sound very together..
i hope we can be freinds and in time help each other out.
i know i speak for many others in saying we are happy you chose our community.
its a familiy here.. these people here will get your back when your in trouble, they will share in your success and joy and if you fall they will catch you.
look forward to knowing you sincerely your freindly nieghborhood stigmastomper
Hi Lisa, I'm not that great with words, but sincerely wish the best for you and hope you will feel most welcome here. I too also look forward to reading more of your posts.
My story-New Member
Posted - 05/16/2011 : 19:04:15
