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jacqstar
Starting Member
25 Posts |
 Posted - 11/10/2006 : 16:26:40
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Hi eveyone and thank you for taking the time to read this.
I recently had a one week admission to a psychiatric ward. It was the most horrifying yet amazing experience. Why you ask? Because normally I work on the other side of the desk. That's right. I am a psychiatric nurse.
It was the most surreal experience ever. I remember vaguely the events that led to me being transferred to the unit. I was at home, and sitting in front of me was enough tablets to surely kill me. At that time I remember thinking how much it annoyed me when people knew the right amount of tablets to take, just enough to warrant an attempt, but not enough to kill them. So I had planned to do it right.
I had been writing non stop in my journal for 48 hours. I finally came to the point where I couldnt write anymore. I didnt feel as though I could contact anyone for help. My friends and family did not know what was going on. I am supposed to be one of those people that others refer to as a "survivor". I couldnt seek help from the mental health team here, because they all knew me (Its a fairly small place where I live). SO at the time, I felt as though I had no choice but to kill myself. I had spent the last 10 years of my life plodding along with enough hope to keep me going.
I had had thoughts of suicide before, but never had I wanted to kill myself. And thats what was different this time. I had thoughts, I had a plan, and I had intent. I tried to make things as foolproof and organised as possible. The last thing that I wanted to do was phone my friends and family just to hear their voice one last time. No one suspected anything was wrong, or so I thought.
Do you believe in angels? I always wanted to, but never had any proof. Anyway, I had finished making my phone calls, when my mobile rang. I noted it was my ex boyfriend from a 2 years ago. We were together for 3 years. I remember thinking "Why is he calling me"?. I picked up the phone and he said three words to me; "My dad's dying". That totally spun me out. There I was, about to kill myself, and this poor guy is losing his father. I remember thinking how selfish I felt. Angel no. 1.
Next thing, someone was at my front door. I answered it. It was the acute care team from work. They said that my friend B had rang them and said he was concerned about me. Angel no. 2.
The rest of the night was a blur, one of my friends stayed with me, the acute care team took away all my medications. I didnt even care at the time. I was mad at these people for interfering in my plan. I vowed that next time I would just do it. The next day I was asked to see the clinical director and psychiatrist at work. That was a funny feeling. He decided I needed admission. There was no way I was going to be regulated, so I went.
Being in hospital on the other side was totally weird. I remember hearing conversations between the nurses and thinking - "Thats supposed to be me"!!!. I remember seeing things that as a psychiatric nurse I would normally have to intervene in. But all I could do was sit there and say nothing. The first couple of days there was horrendous, I hardly ate, I was sedated and all I kept asking was for them to let me go home. At the time, I thought home would have been the best place for me, but realistically It would not have been. I was still having intense thoughts of suicide.
I couldnt lie to the doctors and nurses. And when I tried, they all knew that I was lying. I had always minimised my feelings and believed that I should have been able to cope with it alone. When i knew, deep down, that I couldnt. It was amazing, sitting with all the patients and listening to their concerns about the staff. I always wondered what they said about nurses, when we weren't around.
It was about day 5 when I got some HOPE back. My voice strengthened, my eyes began to sparkle again, and I got some colour back into my face. I felt much better. Never in my life did I think an admission to a psych ward would help me. Right now, it all feels kind of like a blur. Its something I never want to do again.
I have been home for a week now and have managed to sort out a fair bit of stuff. I no longer want to kill myself, but still have fleeting thoughts of suicide. At least now, people know what is going on, so it wont be so hard to ask for help if I ever need it again. I never saw myself as an angel...But those nurses that looked after me, truly were angels.
It's my first day back at work this afternoon and I am feeling rather anxious. Its going to totally change the way I practice as a nurse. I have the empathy now, that only a nurse with a mental illness could have. You know there is a lot of us around that suffer from depression, Bipolar Affective Disorder and Borderline PD, normally we just function well. The other thing is, it gives us that special empathy, where we make better nurses.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have any words of advise, feel free to let me know.
Cheers
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| calli
Starting Member
36 Posts
Gratitude: 6
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Posted - 11/14/2006 : 14:41:26
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I AM GLAD THAT YOU HAD A BETTER EXPERIENCE THAN MYSELF. A WEEK IN THE PYSY WARD IS A JUST A WALK IN THE PARK, COMPARED TO MYSELF WHERE I SPENT 4 MONTHS IN THE HOSPITAL. IT WAS THE NIGHTMARE OF MY LIFE. I WAS TREATED WORSE THAN ANYTHING. THEY ACTED LIKE I MURDERED SOMEONE. I WAS IN THE HOSPITALFOR THE SAME REASON, BUT I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE 4 TIMES. THE FIRST BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS ENDING ANYWAY I LOST EVERYTHING DUE TO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL AND EXTREMLY ABUSIVE BOYFRIND, WHO I LIVED WITH. LIKE TO GAMBLE ALL OUR MONEY AWAY, SO I LOST MY APT, JOB, HEALTH,LOOKS,AND MY CAT AS SHE WAS DIEING. COULD NOT AFFORD TO TAKE HER TO THE VET. EVERYTHING CAME CRASHING DOWN AROUND.MY ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND RAPED ME REPEATEDLY AND I WAS IN SEVERE TRAUMA. THATS WHEN I TIRED TO TAKE MY LIFE. I GUESS FROM THE TRUAMA MY FACIAL FEATURES CHANGED AND I DIDNT LOOK SO GOOD. THE ABUSIVE BOYFRIND SAVED MY LIFE SO HE COULDABUSE ME IN THE HOSPITAL. BETWEEN THE WAY THE NURSES, PATIENTS, DOCTORS AND ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND TREATED ME. I WAS NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF GARBAGE TO THEM. THE WOULD NOT LET ME SHOWER, THE FLUIDS WERE OF NO NUTRIEANAL VALUE. THIS ONE PARTICULAR NURSE WOULD TOURMENT ME WITH HER HORRIBLE COMMENTS. BY THIS TIME I WAS IN SO MUCH FEAR I COULDNT EVEN PUT A SENTANCE TOGETHER. MY MOM CAME AND GOT ME.I STAYED AT TWO OTHER HOSPITALS FOR ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. ALWAYS WONDERED WHYI DIDNT DIE. I COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY THESE NURSES AND DOCTORS AND PATIENTS COULD BE SO CRUEL. JUST WANTED TO SHARE A LITTLE OF MY NIGHTMARE WITH YOU. TELL ARE THE DOCTORS AND NURSES SUPPOSED TO PICK AND CHOOSE WHO THEY FEEL LIKE TREATING WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. TO ME I KNOW THAT ABUSING DRUGS AND ALCOHOL IS A CHOICE,BUT IT CAN BECOME A ILLNESS. I JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE. THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS. CALLI |
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| jacqstar
Starting Member
25 Posts |
Posted - 11/14/2006 : 15:57:30
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Thanks so much for the replies so far!
sissagwaad: Having depression for a while now has honestly made me a better practitoner. Its funny though, when you are on the other side. I certainly have the empathy and compassion that a lot of nurses lack. I guess its just like a nurse with breast cancer treating a patient with breast cancer. Only that nurse could truly understand how the patient feels.
Joy: My first week back has been a bit difficult, I have cried a fair bit and have chosen to step down from the CN role to a RN for two weeks. I saw the psychiatrist at work yesterday after he noticed I was still looking flat. I was worried that the nurses I work with may have found out that I had an admission elsewhere, but no one except my mates knows. As I am sure you would know the grapevine works in amazing ways, and stories end up all blown out of proportion!!! People still treat me the same which is good. You know that there is actually literature that suggests that nurse with mental illnesses are treated differently by their colleagues??!! Im just gunna keep on keepin on. I hope it all works out for you!
Calli:I am sorry that your time in hospital was horrible. All I can say is that I work with nurses who do not give a ****, and do treat people like ****. But you know what? Thats their problem. Not yours. All the advice I have for you is to make a formal complaint, so they get what they deserve. As for all your issues, just keep on sorting through them. I have recently started to see a psychologist (much to my disgust!!), because I realised that I cant do it on my own. These sessions have been beneficial. Just someone to listen to all my thoughts and things from the past, that for as long as I can remember being pushed under the carpet. Good Luck, and I truly hope that you never have to experience that again. |
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| whoami2day
Starting Member
4 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2006 : 20:51:05
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Hi Hun, I just got here I did'nt see your nickname and I dont know how to find it without getting lost again. I am new, yours is the first story i read please read my first one. I believe that everything that happens in this life happens for a reason with all my heart. I believe that event happened in your life for a reason. I found your story inspirational. And oddly enough I always wanted to work in a physchiatric ward, seriously.
Yes there are angels and the more you believe in them the more you will see their works and be amazed.They work constantly in my life and let me know they are with me every day. Please don't give in to the suggestions of the opposite forces. That's right if you believe in angels then you must accept that the others are real also. I think you are very interesting and would love to chat if your interested. Please reply. Good luck and God bless. |
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| JodyWoo
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5784 Posts
Gratitude: 665
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Posted - 11/17/2006 : 23:51:53
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I remember when I was admitted to a ward... I chose to go on my own free will... and it must have been the best decision I've made in my 15 years. I went in there, and I started feeling better, and 96 hours later, when I left, I felt fantastic to be out in open air. Honestly, even though there were so many things bad happening there... like my friend was attacked by another patient, a patient was stabbed in the back with a pen by another patient, fights, and trying to break out... I still think that it helped me more than anything. Everyone said it would be horrible, but I think if I went through another depressive episode and became suicidal again, I would openly go back to the ward, because it did help me a lot. I hope you are doing well!
Jody the 15 year old from Tucson, AZ
"Never regret something that once made you smile."
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| ebioni
Full Member (100+ posts)
163 Posts
Gratitude: 64
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Posted - 12/28/2006 : 19:47:30
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wow thank you for this awesome topic!
you are very brave and i am so happy for you that you got through it all okay!
and yes i truely believe in angels and i believe that your ex boyfriend and the others are all your angels and you should keep them close!
and i completly agree, psychiatric nurses are a blessing!
they are angels! that is why i want to do that after school, but i didnt think that i actually could because im bipolar but you have given me alot of hope with it now! thank you!
and i hope you are feeling good and please NEVER be afraid to ask for help!!! :) |
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| jacqstar
Starting Member
25 Posts |
Posted - 12/31/2006 : 23:37:23
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ebioni, Thank you so much for your kind words. AND please...go with what your heart truly desires. It is totally achievable to become a mental health nurse even if you have a mental illness. I know its probably hard for you to believe, and the community in general also, but atleast half of the people I work with are on some kind of psychotropic drug. DONT ever give up on your dreams.
Earth Angels are a true blessing. Once you stumble upon them the first time, they will forever be a part of you.
I am doing so well at the moment, and I have so much hope and positivity for the future. You go girl and what ever you do, do not give up.
xxx
Jacq
Don't frown. You never know who may be falling in love with your smile. |
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| ebioni
Full Member (100+ posts)
163 Posts
Gratitude: 64
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Posted - 01/05/2007 : 11:19:04
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Hi Again!!
wow its so strange how you were talking about earth angels and i know this may be hard to believe but i have been trying to find out about doing psychiatric nursing with mental health problems and i couldnt find an answer anywhere and then i stumbled upon your post and i was like WOAH!!
thank you so much, you really have made me think a lot more positive about the whole situation!!
and im glad that i know there are many more people out there with mental health problems doing psychiatric nursing!!
and its also strange that im finding this out and im suppose to be filling out my college application in the next week :)
well i am truely happy to hear that everything is going so well for you!!!
and im am also truely happy to hear that you are looking positively towards the future!!!! 
thank you again!!!
and good luck with everything, hope you stay as well as your feeling now!!! :) |
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The other side...
