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Mood Disorder Community
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| Antrahoanta
New Member
69 Posts
Gratitude: 24
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 Posted - 10/16/2013 : 08:42:45
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I can relate. It all seems a blur at times, and then I wake up randomly in the middle of the night remembering something or someone and I question myself if it really happened, flashbacks of a life I never knew I had.
I've had fun in my time, I just never take pictures, I think that's my only regret, I tend to forget what my face looks like often. Then again my idea of fun is not something I'd want photographic evidence of.
I just don't want any drama, I've had enough to last me a decade, so I guess that's where the beginning of developing a cold and detached exterior comes from. If anything, I've gotten better with time. Me at age 11-14, that was extremely difficult. Imagine trying to reason with a wild and cornered animal. Extremely guarded and defensive, gifted with a malicious tongue. I was extremely spiteful and evil, pushing people's buttons and then pretending to be innocent, highly manipulative as well. Somehow I lost that on the way, and thank the Gods for it wasn't anything worth being. A very lonely child indeed.
Now I'm calm, I'm trying to get rid of my promiscuity and drug intake, did well, clean for 6 months on both fronts, then sort of picked it up back again. Threw 3 grams of coke down the loo 2 weeks ago, it felt good. Still working on that other thing, but as soon as Saturday night hits I turn into something else. It has helped a lot that the natives are indeed highly ignorant, there's nothing hotter than a high IQ and an open mind, so I guess circumstances have halted that particular front. Funnily enough the ones that I liked were gay, so, mission impossible, never felt like turning the head of a sodomite.
And here we are. |
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 10/16/2013 : 18:07:03
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I do not know what to say. You have lived a life that few have here and certainly few would admit. Either way...I like trying to have normalcy. It seems that with age...it is what I appreciate most and regret not having. I look back on my "wild" years. They were spent at gay pride parades (lots of gay friends, didn't like being hit on)...dancing in clubs...pursuing freedom as I didn't have any while I was young and I spent way too many years pleasing way to many..or trying too.
If I could do it again, I would have done parts over. I would have aimed higher and never settled. And I would have done EVERYthing to protect my mental health...because it goes if you arent good to yourself. That is my take. I would take a do over. I was never a trouble maker...always wanted to do everything...be a doctor...be smart, marry well, love hard. I guess I got a bit of what I needed. I have a fine son. I have an adopted one as well (unofficially). I have those to love...but not much else has met my standards of success yet.
JODARTHA
"Manage your health or it will manage you" |
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| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
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Posted - 10/16/2013 : 21:43:02
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Long ago, I knew a girl very much like you. Free, pretty, and clever, she had me from hello...as they say. She too, was a Pisces. We had several wild adventures. We'd both quit our jobs and take off for....? No destination...just a general direction punctuated by short stays in small town bars where we'd act outrageous.
Pisces doesn't necessarily like change...it's just that their attitude and lifestyle generally ensures it. Change can be a very subtle internal thing...like learning not to trust. Ask yourself precisely when that happened and...you'll see something. Defense mechanisms are useful at times...but limiting. If we can glimpse the actual source for our need to use them...we can dismantle them as we see fit. The stronger you are...the fewer you need.
All intelligent men aren't gay....just quietly cautious. Ironically enough, David posted this in Soc.:
"Women love a man with a plan; men love a woman with a smile.
A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved, her self-esteem rises and falls like a wave in motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom, her mood will shift suddenly, and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically, her wave begins to rise back up...By recognizing this pattern, a man doesn't take it personally. When he doesn't feel as if he is being blamed for her downs, he can be more supportive.
A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle, which involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again...Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or a choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
Romance for women is when a man does things without her having to ask; romance for men is when a woman appreciates the things he does.
Showing interest is one of the most important secrets to opening a woman's heart.
A man is free to be the best he can be when he feels accepted just the way he is.
Women need to work on trusting, while men need to work on caring."
It's from the guy who wrote "Men Are From Mars...Women Are From Venus". Astrology pointed this out in antiquity. Mars...god of war. Venus...godess of love. Anyway, I liked what he had to say.
Glad you're back...and safe.
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“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.”
Carl Gustav Jung quotes
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 10/17/2013 : 03:33:11
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Keith.
You have some dear qualities. That is for certain. Smarter than the average bear would be one.
I never knew until about 9 months ago that I was introverted. I don't know how I could go most of my life and not know. I remember thinking....that I should LOVE doing extroverted things...and I always have pushed myself to be the life of the party...even though I am not. Now...it is a side of me that I am quite aware. And now I know that I will never be what I thought I was suppose to be....but also I am aware that I could have been a lot of things. I remember once..reading that a woman that becomes more extroverted over time is good but that one that becomes more introverted over time is not so good. Probably true.
Feeling not so happy this week. I don't know how to take my life. I am directionless other than making myself work a lot more than I wanted. Trying to make career fill a hole that is bottomless.
JODARTHA
"Manage your health or it will manage you" |
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| Antrahoanta
New Member
69 Posts
Gratitude: 24
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Posted - 10/17/2013 : 13:34:23
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I love my periods of normalcy, but then again normal to me is a slightly skewed repetition of events on a daily basis. I hate monotony, so I must agree with you on always changing, but there´s always the classic Daniela template that sticks, is just that certain add-ons are replaced.
As for my lifestyle, I´ve not really formulated a proper opinion of it yet. It´s certainly better without my birthgiver. I can check girls out without her having that inadequacy of having a gay daughter, she doesn´t mind me checking guys out, she loves it. So in a way, I feel repressed with her, bored, caged, anxious, limited and flightless.
When I´m by myself I lust less after illegal substances. Drugs are a way of evading reality and having "fun", my reality with her is like a tense diaphragm holding its´ breath, seconds feel more like hours, and hours turn into weeks.
As for the exact date of when I stopped trusting people it would be around 5 years of age or so. I was sexually abused by our neighbour´s male sibling, he was age 35 I guess, give or take. Nobody believed me at the time, so nothing was done about it.
I grew up very bitter. I still am bitter, but only sober. Alcohol does wonders. Now I just want to go back to the UK and be done with this dreaded business. Get a job and finish college, be with my friends again and then I´ve no idea, see what happens. Getting a dog is definately on the list. Either an Irish Wolfhound or an Alaskan Malamute. Small dogs are sh*te.
For anybody who has seen Peep Show, the UK version (just in case if there´s an american, they´re always ready to rip off) I was always told I was the female version of Super Hans, I´m burying that phase.
I´m tired of leather jacket, bandana wearing, whisky drinking Daniela.
Plus it made me look sort of malicious and dodgy, I once blamed the paranoia that comes with extensive weed smoking, but then I realized that it was my appearance, sort of changed that, but clothes have always been a triviality, as long as I cover my genitalia and it´s not pink I´m fine.
I guess I want to calm down, get a sense of stability. Finally put an end to the image of being the girl you have fun and wild adventures with. At least I´d like to upgrade to "the vixen that left me without a home and car", only kidding! But yes, upgrade to something better than the one night stands that couldn´t be bothered to end pattern.
I´ll miss it, the whole whirlwind of chaos and the thrill but it´s not constructive, or productive.
As for the differences between men and women, I´ve found men to be more sentimental. Women are more cold on certain things. I remember this guy who got a lump on his throat the next morning trying to ask me out, saying it was a pity that it was a one night stand and not a proper date. Which took inhuman amounts of control to not burst out laughing. That´s happened to me like 3 times now, it never gets old.
Women though, they can´t wait to get home and wash the night before off their skin. I like that about them.
But I´m tired of talking about me, my narcissism has reached its limit.
Jodartha - If you´re overworking, be sure to check your health regularly. I´ve found overworking to make people sick and grey. Why don´t you go salsa dancing or something instead, meet new people, get out of the house, have some fun. Flirt with the dance instructor, who knows?
Keith - No advice for you poppet, from what I can tell you´re chirpy.
 
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| nadalama
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1299 Posts
Gratitude: 192
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Posted - 10/17/2013 : 14:41:58
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I only have a second, have to get on the road away from here, but want to say:
Isn't it always the same moment and for the same reason that each of us stops trusting people? Isn't it that moment when the significant adult proves him or herself to be untrustworthy?
It's those three or four or five-year-old eyes that see it, and the three or four or five-year-old brain that processes it into "this person is NOT going to take care of me." Paraphrase it however you like.
That's when it always happens. Imo of course.
Nada |
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| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
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Posted - 10/18/2013 : 08:05:39
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"Clothes have always been a triviality, as long as I cover my genitalia and it´s not pink I´m fine."
Sooo...pink genetalia is taboo? Sorry, couldn't resist.
Super Hans: "People like Coldplay. People voted for Nazis. You can't trust People.!" There...so much for the trust issue.
That's my dog Jessie in the pic. She's a mini Malamute (American Eskimo - about 12 Kilos). I never thought I'd like "ankle biters" but she's my second one and I'm sold on them.
I must admit...I find you fascinating. It's a good thing I'm an old codger.
I'd better go out and fake some work before my wife gets squirrely. She called in "sick" after joining me at the bar last night and is in a dark mood. She's Virgo...good people but you don't want to bother them when they're hung over.
I'm a bit confused. You said you lived in Wales but also said you wanted to return to the UK. Isn't Wales in the UK?
"Poppet"....I like that. I'll think of one for you as well.
You sound pretty "chirpy" yourself. Question...how tall are you? I'm 1.88 meters (6'2").
Take care. Keith
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“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.”
Carl Gustav Jung quotes
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| Antrahoanta
New Member
69 Posts
Gratitude: 24
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Posted - 10/18/2013 : 09:45:26
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Nope, I´m actually in Venezuela now, Maracay to be precise. Made a bad decision when I was under pressure and of course I chose badly.
Never take a decision when you´re under pressure, you´ll choose wrong.
Super Hans is right.
I´m 1.65 m, so I´m a pixie sized thing. Never had a midget complex but it does piss me off a bit when all my mates are around me and they all look down at me. They´re all boys about your height. Used to being around giants, not anymore though, they´re all in Wales, now when I see a tall person I´m fascinated which in turn enhances my awareness of being tiny.
I´ll leave the ankle biters to you, I like a dog that can protect me and the house, I don´t want a pet filching dog food off me, I want a guardian, doing a job, earning his dinner.
Hangover cure - Black tea with a slice of lemon and 2 teaspoons of brown sugar, followed by a shower, and some sleep. Orange juice when she wakes up again.
Take care.
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| Antrahoanta
New Member
69 Posts
Gratitude: 24
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Posted - 10/18/2013 : 10:44:57
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quote:
Originally posted by nadalama
I only have a second, have to get on the road away from here, but want to say:
Isn't it always the same moment and for the same reason that each of us stops trusting people? Isn't it that moment when the significant adult proves him or herself to be untrustworthy?
It's those three or four or five-year-old eyes that see it, and the three or four or five-year-old brain that processes it into "this person is NOT going to take care of me." Paraphrase it however you like.
That's when it always happens. Imo of course.
Nada
Completely agree, but it seemed that around that time everybody turned. I started to see that everything was wearing a mask. Like when you see a Disney film when you´re a kid and then you watch it again when you´re an adult and you see scenes that you didn´t see before. It´s almost a betrayal of your own eyes and powers of observation. You´ve been tricked, you weren´t paying attention.
Things gained and lost meanings. Doors were no longer entry ways, they were danger, you wouldn´t want to be locked in that room with said stranger. Everything was filled with a sort of suspense and dread. Everything became dire and deafeningly silent.
Unsurprisingly, whenever I enter a stranger´s house, or a new bar, whatever the place, I always keep myself next to the exit and look for sharp objects around the room, just in case. Though words have had enough power over time to protect me. |
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 10/20/2013 : 18:15:11
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Daniela,
Some how you have entered my mind more than once. And not on MT. I am a softy of sorts, and I don't like hearing of another that was hurt as you were. Over the past 5 or 6 years I took on a few extra kids that were your age. I took them in or provide a refuge. I gained a lot from that experience but mostly I think I learned that teens are affected a lot by their childhood. And no matter what anyone says, parenting or lack of parenting or even poor parenting leads to what a child come to be as an adult. There is not a one to one correlation but certainly I am sad when I hear that something went wrong.
I am not in a place to tell you what to do. Nor can I say anything that could change things...but I am affected by you. Kinda like I want to give you a big hug. You may not even trust me on that matter given your past. But there are people in the world that aren't bad. I took in some "bad" kids and they really just needed love and didn't get it when they needed it most.
I don't know what else to day tonite...just that you were on my mind. I don't think that all the time, certainly not when I am not on MT. But you...you seem to need a hug. And if nothing else...I am going to give you one virtually.
JODARTHA
"Manage your health or it will manage you" |
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| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
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Posted - 10/21/2013 : 05:08:24
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You're not pixie sized. You're 5'4"+....many taller men consider that a very attactive height for a female. Lady Gaga is 5'1"....it doesn't seem to bother that pixie. Alicia Machado (Miss Universe '96) is only 5'7".
"I started to see that everything was wearing a mask."
Yeah...hipocricy was/is rampant. A child senses it long before they actually recognize it as a cultural trait. I was raised Catholic...by the time I was 12, I considered them my enemy. By 15...I trusted no one. As time passed, I realized this was an untenable attitude...that I had to trust someone...it was too lonely to bear. Fortunately, I found women who were totally honest with me and I returned the favor. It's extremely difficult to maintain honest relationships....most ultimately fail. But you must never quit on the hope....I finally found one who could handle it and I could be me. I was 35...half a lifetime ago.
"Words have had enough power over time to protect me."
Yes...my experience too. A nimble mind is far superior to any set of muscles. Piscean intuition is very powerful...use it and conquer. Trust that. But you're right...delay decisions under stress. We always want the easy way out (one way or another)....it's not always best.
You should write, paint, or act Daniela...in that order. Just what do you plan to study? Between your youthful experiences and your erudition...you are well prepped for the arts.
Thanks for the hangover cure...I'll try it.
Poppet
“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.”
Carl Gustav Jung quotes
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 10/22/2013 : 02:55:46
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Keith you make me laugh...you really do.
The meat dress? LOL
I for one am not a pixie. I am 5 7". I like being tall but always wanted to be thinner and not have to work at it. My adopted son however loves tiny women. He is 6 4"...and he has never had a girlfriend taller than 5 3" (and 5 1" is average).
How are you Daniela?
JODARTHA
"Manage your health or it will manage you" |
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| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
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Posted - 10/23/2013 : 00:16:32
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Sure...why not the meat dress? Well...I can see how the choice of entree might be difficult. 
I'm glad I make you laugh.
The shortest woman I've ever had was 5'. The shortest I've ever lived with was 5'6". My wife's 5'8'.
Daniela seems to come and go. That's fine...as long as she returns. My cat does...she reminds me of my cat.
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“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.”
Carl Gustav Jung quotes
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| Antrahoanta
New Member
69 Posts
Gratitude: 24
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Posted - 10/23/2013 : 14:18:51
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Thank you for the virtual hug Jody, much appreciated.
Also not the first time I`ve been compared to a cat Keith. It`s my nickname in my workplace. It`s a bit weird being called catwoman, I don`t particularly like it but it`s better than being called a b*tch I guess.
Well, as for being small I can understand how people can feel comfortable, it makes it better that my legs are actually too long for my torso, but I don`t know, I still feel like a midget, and it doesn`t help that I`m built like a boxer, all weirdly and unexplainably muscly for someone who does not have any physical outlet unless drunk and rampant. Used to have a six pack but that`s back in the not so long ago glory days.
In any case I`m not bothered about beauty, none in my family are, probably because we all know that we`re average and above, lol! Oh God, if only our brains had been as gifted as our looks. It all goes wrinkly and downwards anyway, what`s the point of it?
I really need a lie in, woke up in the shore of some beach, hardly any clothes and all wet and covered in sand. I don`t neglect you guys, I ust don`t even know where I am half the time, unsurprisingly, I don`t remember a thing, or even how I got there. Massive blackouts and vague memories of bottling someone and a field, something I did in a field, but I can`t remember, in all honesty I could`ve killed someone and not remember. I have to stop drinking asap.
In other news, I`m still emotionally blocked as I have ever been. How to cope with people telling you they love you is my question?
Scenario number 1 - Boss says he really appreciates my work and our friendship.
Scenario number 2 - A male tells me he`s in love with me.
Scenario number 3 - Old worker tells me he misses my coffee and advice.
Had the same blank response for all 3. It goes a bit like this:      |
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| metasegue
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4968 Posts
Gratitude: 945
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Posted - 10/24/2013 : 05:21:05
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This sounds so much like something I might have written at 20:
"I really need a lie in, woke up in the shore of some beach, hardly any clothes and all wet and covered in sand. I don`t neglect you guys, I ust don`t even know where I am half the time, unsurprisingly, I don`t remember a thing, or even how I got there. Massive blackouts and vague memories of bottling someone and a field, something I did in a field, but I can`t remember, in all honesty I could`ve killed someone and not remember. I have to stop drinking asap."
I'm not sure what "bottling" is but it sounds negative. I survived so many dangerous events and situations because I was big, male, strong, smart, and lucky. You seem to have the last three in spades but I'm not sure it's enough to compensate for the lack of the first two. Size, as we've discussed, is a major factor in life while being male might only mean you're not a sexual target to have pertinence.
Blackouts indicate actual brain damage Daniela....it's sacriledge according to my religion of reason. Venzualan weed has to be killer and cheap for you. It's what saved me from alcoholism.
You need an ally Daniela. Male or female, old, young,...whoever. Because of your looks and desirability, sex is likely to be involved. Use your beauty and intelligence to engineer a relationship that complements you when up and supports you when down.
I recommend Earth signs for you...Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. Virgo (Pisces' polar opposit) shares our values while compensating for our impracticality. We, in turn, supply creativity and excitement for them. They share our focus on libido, are too prudish to admit it, but can't hide it in bed.
Polar opposites are not actual extremes. Our real opposites are Fire and Air signs...particularly Aries. Without using names, give me the signs of those closest to you and I'll print their descriptions and point out the pro's and con's...if you like. Knowing where people are coming from (even when they don't know) is quite an advantage.
Later, Keith
“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.”
Carl Gustav Jung quotes
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Daniela
