To start I have been in the same relationship with the same person for over four years now and we've had our UPS and downs like everyone does but things have changed and its become as ill say " out of my hands". we went through a hard spot a few years back where they would call me vulgar names like *****, slut, or things like **** you I hope you kill yourself, you deserve everything you get...things such as that. because I love this person so deeply I don't have the courage nor self esteem to stand up for myself. I have asked for the name calling and the put downs to stop but they don't. I've lost all respect for myself and have a hard time feeling good about anything at many points in my life. I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and though I control it well and never use it as an excuse for anything its become harder and harder to move forward in my life. I work full time and go to school so I can have a better life but my school work is falling behind and my work ethic is completely depleted. I've looked for guidance from my mother who lives across country but there is nothing she can do nor does it seem like she cares much either. through out most of my life I've been on my own so I'm used to providing and taking care of myself but i have come to notice that with the way I feel now I have no reason to wake up in the mornings and hardly anything to look forward to all the time. I believe in my heart I am a good person but good people shouldn't have to endure feeling and being treated so badly by others. I am no saint and have made many mistake in my life but I have learned from them and try to make ammends but I still feel guilt and shame for so many things.
when I look at myself I see a person who needs help but seeing a doctor and a psychiatrist is do expensive I just can't afford it at all. like I said I have looked for support from others but get very little. feeling deeply unhappy is no way to live and no one deserves that. how do I move forward in my life, how do I gain the self esteem and respect for myself that I should have, I've already recognized that I am a good person at heart but there is something holding me back.
Welcome to MT. I can hear how sad you are...and that you would like someone to listen to you. That is what we at MT are here for....YOU. While we can not fix your problem...hopefully if you write down how you are feeling, perhaps over time you can find a solution that works for you.
You sound like you need a hug. Someone that actually cares. It is hard to do EVERYTHING for yourself and get no positive feedback. I would like to note though that even if you have posted in the depressed section of this forum, in some ways, you sound more abused. (check out the sociopathic portion of our forum and see similarities to how you are being treated).
It is not easy to escape your situation when you are as down as you are now. BUT you can do it. Often times, it is actually removing yourself from the person that is hurting you...that you suddenly see that this person is a "vampire" on your happiness.
Consider that at any moment...even if you love someone dearly....that you can continue to love them and not live with them or tolerate their inflicted pain. It only takes a different perspective.
So while some might think that you can easily just change your feelings...I would say that perhaps you can change your situation completely and still love this person dearly.
While I am no expert, I can say that I did just that. I was madly in love with my ex husband. I tolerated unbelieveable pain. And put downs....and I still loved him more than anything the day I made him move out. He told me I was treating him badly...he yelled and treated me even meaner...but I didn't feel guilty, because I remained loyal and in love. All I did was expect him to live to his word. Slowly but surely, I gained my strength back (after years of being sucked dry)...and then I was able to get away from it all permanently.
I hope that maybe I can inspire you a bit...and give you the idea that you can get past this time of your life as well. School is a great thing...be proud of yourself. And don't be upset that you aren't strong enough to get away just yet. BUT you will one day...just take it a day at a time, methodically...and you will find your answer too.
Please continue to post as you need...we are here for you !!!!
Please keep posting ! Depression is a lonely disorder, but it can be treated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************************* "Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?" -- Lily Tomlin
Feeling depressed, unwanted, unloved.
Posted - 06/24/2012 : 20:27:15
