I've had near death experiences before. Once, when I died, I felt this amazing peace and tranquility. I know I was standing outside Heaven and I was finally happy. A moment later they brought me back to this world and it was awful. I just wanted to be dead and go back to Heaven. It was as if I was given this amazing gift and then it was sucked away and I was thrown back into this terrible existance of pain and misery.
Over the years my sociopath mother found ways to emotionally kill me till I was like her... a cold blooded sociopath. At some point I had to stop and acknowledge that I am a monster. I do terrible things to people and lack any remorse. I enjoy the suffering of others. It amuses me to emotionally destroy people.
My bi polar ex wife tried to destroy me and in return I annihilated her. The emotional damage I did to her has wrecked her life. The very mention of my name destablizes her with anger and pain. I feel nothing but gratification from it. I can feel nothing else. I don't even think I am capable of love anymore.
I'm a bad person and I want to die but I can't kill myself. Everytime I have tried I failed and I'm unable to do things that require physical harm. I want to die. I want to go back to Heaven and I recent living among you people. You people and your emotions. Have you any idea how horrible it is to live among you when I feel nothing? It's why I prey on you. I hate you for having feelings when I have none. I hate you and will destroy your lives one by one to temporarly satisfy the void that runs through me.
If I cannot taste the fruits of life than why not let me die? Why do I have to live? My continued existance only ensures the destruction of people like you. Sometimes I crush people and I don't even realize what I am doing. Why couldn't I just be a sheep like you people? Why did I have to be made a wolf? I just want to be dead. So everyone please pray for me to die.
maybe you're alive right now so you can learn to be human.
I resent being called a sheep as I'm sure you would resent being called a murderer and written off as a psychopath.
you're here because you know you can be different and you want to be, I've read your other posts and I have to believe that because otherwise you're only on here to satisfy the motives of your sociopathy: make sport of the people with feelings and I don't want to believe that's why you're here.
Maybe you're not a Christian I'm not sure but you obviously believe in Heaven. If you are a Christian than you know that at death everyone is going to have to account for their lives, there's no such thing as a get-into-heaven-free card. If you want to go back there you have to earn it. You've been given two great blessings by my count:
1)you got a chance to glimpse something few people even believe in
2)you're alive and you have the will to change your life.
doing the second will ensure you get back to the first so stop acting like a petulant child and get down to it. you talk a good game about being all hard and being a brawler and sh!t but you know what you're not. If you really want the fight of your life fight to become fully human and not waste the life that was given and then re-given to you. Sometimes everyone wants to die, some people give into it and the rest find ways to cope with the pain of existence.
One of the noble truths of Buddhism is that EXISTENCE IS SUFFERING it's in the act of living that one finds ways of alleviating that suffering in yourself and in others.
you talk about destroying yourself and then go on to talk about destroying all of "us" yet you also want to become one of "us". Or at least stop being a sociopath. Well let me assure you we're not all sheep and if you want to go back to being anything more than a person without feelings then you'll have to fight for them.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and off putting but I've gone through suicideal periods and still suffer from them, one of my best friends hanged himself in a slum hotel and I think about him every time I have to go past the building and I'll pray for him the rest of my life. Suicide is a waste pure and simple it's the worst kind of theft because it steals you from the world and you have no right to take the life that was given you at birth.
I can't pray for you to die but if you want you can pray for God to kill you in His time and trust that you will die eventually so that you can go on with the job He put you here to do: living.
I don't mind being called a murderer or sociopath but the alienation is what fuels hatred. I can't be human as you are. It is impossible. I know because I've search through the world and myself. Something breaks in the mind and once it is broken it cannot be fixed or perhaps it is not meant to revert.
I assure you I am not here to toy with you for my amusement. That game grew old years ago. It is far more fun to toy with people in person than those online but most of the time people are too boring to even bother with in such a manner. I just try to play your social games with you but become discouraged easily.
You know what I am. So you distance yourself from me and to some affect you lack the ability to trust me. Thats what I am tired of. That's what makes me want to die. Everyone runs away. Oh no the dreaded sociopath has come to destroy us. Don't trust him he's going to trick you! Then I end up alone. I've done nothing but I am judge on what I am not who I am. All black people steal, all white people are racist and all sociopaths are dangerous killers. That is the logic of your world.
Do you want to know why sociopaths like to hurt people? Because it is the only time we feel alive. While you water ripples with emotion our waters are still. Only in times of great conflict does our water ripple and in that moment we feel something again. I don't care about living when life has no taste. Yet I am bound by faith not to kill myself but I want this life to end. I want to die and go back to that place where I could feel things again. I was alive in Heaven but dead here on Earth. Let me assure you there is no way to become human again.
then Pray to God that He kills you and in the mean time shows you what you're REALLY here for. Because believe me you have a purpose, maybe it's not to be like the rest of us maybe it's something the rest of us are completely incapable of God doesn't make mistakes and to Quote Einstien he doesn't play dice either you're here for some reason ask Him to teach you what it is while he kills you, because unless you die in a plane crash or something tomorrow you're probably going to be around a long time.
I'll only ask you to do me one favour, don't try and do it your self especially because you feel discouraged, you want to talk about sheep? Sheep are the people who are lead by their fears and their doubts, they let themselves be taken for a loop whether by the man or by their own issues, sheep are the ones who get led (correction get Lied) to the slaughter. you call your self a wolf in a lot of your posts, newsflash, suicide is for cowards. If you really want to be a wolf then learn to master your lonliness and all the feelings which make you want to end it.
Maybe it's your lot to stare into the abyss for the rest of your life, if that's how you feel then learn to live with the abyss staring back into you.
Sheep are Gods children he watches over that follow his path. The rest of you are sheep that have walked astray. Perhaps a few wolves here and there feeding on the weak but this is how life works.
I think I'm going to keep fighting. I look forward to one day laughing at you but I don't realisticly see it happening. I'll probably forget you the moment I recover. Thanks for being here for me though. It's nice to know some of you still have faith. It's almost encouraging.
what if you just want to die?
Posted - 08/05/2009 : 23:43:14
