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Mood Disorder Community
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bombaclothras
Starting Member
1 Posts |
 Posted - 11/29/2005 : 19:51:39
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Hello all,
I am not BiPolar but my wife of 6 years is. I have been trying to educate myself as much as possible about this disease, because I could not believe that it could have control of you and make you do alot of stupid things that she has done. I have been dealing with her manic episodes all summer. I feel like I am living my worst nightmare and cannot wake up. I too am feeling abit mental because of all the things she has done, I just cannot believe it and don't know whether to blame her or the disease, or how to fathom the acts of infidelity, lying, and deceit she has put me through. We are a very young couple. I considered us to have a very bright future, and on the path to success. I met and married my wife at an extremely young age. We were high school sweethearts that fell in love and went to the prom together and she got pregnant when she was 15 years old. I was 17 at the time. We decided to take responsibility for our actions and have the baby. She had the kid, I went to school for computers and she excelled academically in High School gaining herself a full scholarship to a University. I finished a 5 month course in computers and got a decent paying job that provided a very nice apartment and food on the table and worked there ever since. She finished high school and studied Computer Engineering at a University, having a 3.89 GPA all semesters and being in a number of clubs and prestigious engineering organizations, while I was basically a single parent taking care of our son and paying all of the bills while she went to school full time. There were times when I would get stressed out because I was the only one paying bills etc, struggling being the only one working while she went to school full time getting excellent grades and not doing anything but that. I always looked at it as I will benefit from it too when she graduates. Every summer she took an internship with a big company that makes computers and she had to move away for the summer for 3 summers while she was in college. I was OK with that. The changes in behavior should of been a clear sign that there was something wrong. Her first summer internship she worked she took all of her money and spent it on herself. She got a tummy tuck, butt implants, and liposuction so she could look and feel better about herself. I was not ok with that but what can I do. I let her. I did not support that decision and she realized that she made a mistake afterwards when she didn't have anyone to take care of her after the surgery and realized her mistake. The second summer internship she gave me all of the money. Now her last year in school, she finally graduated, she had to do one more internship, they also decided that they liked her work ethic so much that they were going to pay for her to get her master's degree at an Ivy League school as long as she would intern with them at least one more year. That was a sealed deal. She finally graduated College with a Bachelor's in Computer Engineering and had to give 3 speeches, and got alot of notoriety, Press Releases, etc. That all went to her head and I think that's when the BP finally took a toll on her. That summer internship, I would notice changes alot of changes in this woman. The person that I supported through college, and gave all of my love to. I was the single parent paying all of the bills while she excelled in school. Here is where it all hits the fan. Her final internship she says that she is keeping all of the money she makes this summer. I notice that she is calling a male co-worker of hers a little too much. She visited every weekend during her summer internships by the way. When she would come home on the weekends, I knew something was off. The way she treated me like ****, and how she would never be able to sit still. I found that she was calling the male co-worker again and I decided that I could not take it anymore, after all the pain and suffering and sacrifice that I put into our relationship trying to make ends meet your going to call someone else. I kicked her out of my house. She simply packed all of her stuff and left without incident. The weeks to follow were the hell of my life. This woman traded in my 2002 Acura TL and bought a $100,000 BMW 760IL that cost her 1500.00 per month. She bought 2 Maltese puppies and named them after the guy she was calling at work. One was SHO and the other was ROD. The guys name was Sherard. My son now a healthy 5 year old loved dogs. I would have to hear his name come out of my sons mouth everyday. Shortly after, I kicked her out, she would come to me on the weekends and I loved her so much, I could not refuse her. We would talk and do things, but she would do nothing but lie. She told me that she was getting a $500,000.00 dollar deal for a Computer Chip that she was designing that's why she could afford the BMW. She said that she slept with the rapper 50 cent at a club. These things killed me. She said that she was going to become a model for Tommy Hilfiger. All of a sudden she had a financial advisor, and what killed me the most was that I believed her and thought that I was going to be left out of all of this. The week after, I get a phone call from her job stating that she left a voice message on the male co-workers phone saying that she was going to commit suicide. It was because he probably did whatever he wanted with her and didn't want her anymore. Now she had nothing. That cause her company to send her out for a psychiatric evaluation and she lost her job, but since they had invested so much in her and she was or used to be a stellar worker, they decided to put her on disability and pay her while she sought medical attention. She did the opposite. She stayed in Upstate New York but did not work. She met a guy at a club and they had sex the first night they met. She took my son from me and took him to Upstate New York for a week to stay with this guy she met at a club and my son told me the stories. When she came home that weekend [deleted by administrator - too sexually graphic] and she would lie to me and say that she didn't sleep with him. Hello my own son told me these things, are you crazy. After she was discharged from work she would still go to New York to sleep with the guy she met and would come home on the weekends smelling like musk, like how certain people smell. I know she had sex with him a million times because [deleted - medically impossible and too sexually graphic]. I am small. The guy she met was black. The guy at work was black as well. She is spanish. Here she is the genius straight A student that I had known threw all of her values and everything we worked so hard for out the window. She was diagnosed with Bi Polar and would still not admit what happend this summer although I know already. She came home one weekend with bruises on her arm and said that I hit her. She called the cops on me and I got arrested for something I didn't do. Some other guy did that to her and I went to jail for it. She wanted me dead. She didn't care for anything. On top of that I was almost going to buy a house this summer. Thank god I didn't. I have since filed for divorce, moved back in with my parents, and have my son going to school in the same town I live in, but she still comes around. She broke my heart. I love this woman so much but cannot get over what she has done. Here I am 24 years old, with an ex-wife that has BP and is taking Lithium and Zoloft and cannot look at her. She has gone against everything I believe in. I asked her how would you like it if I went out with a girl and she chopped my penis off. That is how I feel because her vagina got so big and I don't feel anything any [deleted - medically impossible] more. I hate her. I can never forgive her. This website and community has since made me understand this disease and has helped me cope with it and not to take it personally. Thank you and I look forward to hearing some responses on my long story. This is my first time posting on anything online and am excited to talk to people that know about the situation. Thank you.
Dear Members,Basically, this new member's story is that he suspects his wife with Bipolar Disorder has been unfaithful and he has "kicked her out" twice, and now is filing for divorce. At no point does this new member state that he made any attempt at learning more about her disorder, or talking to her psychiatrist. Basically, it appears he just wants our community support in justifying his divorce. There are certain details of his story that don't make sense medically when he goes into graphic sexual detail about his suspicions about his wife's infidelity. Nevertheless, this is an all too common story. Spouse with bipolar disorder gets ill; acts recklessly; is divorced and abandoned by the other spouse. What is missing is this husband understanding that Bipolar Disorder is a disease; that bipolar episodes only last a few months; and that the individual with bipolar disorder recovers. Society doesn't adopt this "throw-her-out-you-deserve-better" approach in dealing with cancer patients; so why does society adopt this approach with spouses who have bipolar disorder? I welcome our community's discussion on this important issue. Phil Long M.D.
Administrator   |
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| RedRocket
New Member
92 Posts
Gratitude: 5
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Posted - 11/30/2005 : 06:31:21
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| You are well rid, my friend. Put it behind you and move on with your life and try to think about your beautiful son. |
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| chevy
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2329 Posts
Gratitude: 96
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Posted - 12/06/2006 : 19:56:37
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I agree with both of them
I have bipolar to and yes ive hurt my bf but i have never done anything like that. Im sure she has a lil more issues then just bipolar. Like maybe her fahter wasnt in her life or something. She is just plain hurting you. I cant believe that. She wont change and she cant continue to do that to you
You can find someone alot more better suited for you someone who will treat you good and love you
That my friend is no longer love on her part
Life & Death Energy & Peace If i stopped today. It was fun. Even the terrible pains that burned me & scarred me. My soul is worth it for having been allowed to walk where i've walked. Which was to hell on earth Heaven & earth back again,into,under, far inbetween, through it, in it, far and above it!
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| robschosen
Starting Member
3 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 03/05/2007 : 17:12:15
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| To bombaclothras......I am in no way defending your wife's actions.....but without meds.....one is not in control....(sometimes even on the meds-one is out of control).......it is a disease.....take care of your babe.....try to forgive her and move on.....until she reaches out for help.....I just don't know.....just move on.....love your son and pray he dose not inherit the gene..... |
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| Zep
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 536
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Posted - 02/22/2008 : 23:51:08
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This is a terrible story...and it reminds me of what I have put my husband through. However, it doesn't sound to me like you want to know much about bipolar in order to support your (ex) wife...after all, you've gotten rid of her.
I don't know where I would be without the few people in this world who have forgiven me and supported me in my meltdowns - dead probably. I think that if you are truly committed to another person in any sort of relationship, then that's what you do - forgive, support, move on. I don't take my husband's patience for granted, however I figure that if I had diabetes, heart disease or some other physical/medical problem, I wouldn't expect to be rejected or given up on either.
I bring a lot to my relationship, and I also put up with a lot from a partner who is NOT bipolar! So I don't think it's about the label as much as how much a person is willing to put up with in a relationship.
Just my opinion, of course....
Zep.
Madness is merely a state of mind. |
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| BecksMom
Starting Member
2 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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Posted - 07/21/2008 : 18:41:26
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Phil,
In the second sentence bombaclothras states that he's been trying to educate himself as much as possible on this disease.
I am married to a man that I believe is going through his first manic episode. I took my marriage vows very seriously. It's been 5 months since my husband surprised me after work one day with his announcement that he wanted a divorce. (of course he said it was all my fault and he thought I'd be happy about it) A few days later I found out about the affair. He's obsessed with his ex-girlfriend and they hooked up online and planned on getting married as soon as he got divorced. The e-mails I found showed a lot of betrayal and my husband rediculing me. I hung in there as long as I could, but I was so physically sick from the betrayal, the continous lying and the on-going affair that he refused to end because she was his "last chance at happiness."
My son was only 7 months old when my husband started the affair and I had just started my dream job. It took every ounce of energy and fortitude I had to get through every single day so that I could be the best mother possible and not lose my job on top of everything else. I was so sick in the morning from the lack of eating and throwing up that it would take me hours to feel well enough to get out of bed to start my day. I've lost 50 lbs. Some days I forget to eat I'm so upset. I literally forget to eat. I once went almost 3 days with out eating due to the pain and stress and forgetting to eat.
So when the spouse of a bipolar person decides to get a divorce, I doubt the decision was made lightly. I loved my husband and was 100% committed to him...for months after I still thought I'd be able to forgive him should he give me the chance. I'm in survival mode now...emotionally, physically, and financially. I had no choice but to file for divorce on grounds of adultury. If you told me 6 months ago that this would have happened I'd have thought you were crazy. I would NEVER divorce my husband...NEVER. Yet here I am. I'm at the point where I have to divorce him in order to not lose the house, my job and my mental and physical health. I need a home to raise my son and I don't have the money to pay the mortgage.
My husband has been cold, cruel, and heartless to me. I've withstood a lot of emotional abuse from him over the months and lately he even put his hand around my throat with the initial intention of choaking me. That is an image I may never forget. There is no going back now. Too many lines have been crossed and the trust can never be regained. I now am concerned that I'll never be able to trust another man again like I had trusted him. I'm going to have to do a lot of work on myself to undo the damage he has done to me in only a few short months.
My husband is living with another woman and proclaiming his undying love to her. I don't know if/when he'll crash. My son and I cannot wait for him or we both will be lost ourselves. I am a strong woman and I will create the best life for my son, unfortunately my husband will not be a part of it. I cry every single day over our lost family and all the plans and dreams I had for us. I'd give anything to erase the last 6 months in order to follow the path I thought we were on for our future. That path is lost to us forever. I must do the best with the cards I've been dealt.
I have never heard of a cancer patient inflicting this much damage on their loved ones trying to support them through their pain. Perhaps they do, but I find that hard to believe.
I am leaving my husband, but the reality is that he's already left me and I don't know if he'll ever return or not. Even if he did, I'll always have the emotional scars, the images of the attempted physical abuse, and the financial distruction that I won't be able to get past. I'm still educating myself on this illness because I will have to deal with my husband until our son is full grown. The more I learn about this illness hopefully the better I'll be able to handle my husband. Unfortunately the best way to handle him right now is to keep my distance and treat him like a business associate.
If he crashes and needs my help I will be there for him, but I'll never be able to be his wife again. |
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| Zep
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 536
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Posted - 07/22/2008 : 14:36:48
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Hi Becksmom. You DO sound like a strong woman, and I think I would have made exactly the same decision in your shoes. Sometimes the lack of insight which is part of this illness is absolutely devastating to everyone around the person. I hope that your life gets back on track soon....and your ex-husband is lucky to have you still as a friend.
Ultimately though, despite the devastation to your family and your life, your ex-husband has lost the most by far. And that is one of the tragedies of bipolar.
Zep. |
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| ForgetMeNot1586
Starting Member
2 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2008 : 08:47:29
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That is a terrible comparison. I have Bipolar disorder and I fully understand the horrors that I inflict on loved ones by my own behavior. Cancer is also a disease, but it is not a disease that causes one to make terrible, seemingly self-absorbed choices. While I encourage loved ones to remain supportive to a certain degree, it does get to a point where it is in a loved one's own best interest to move on. That point occurs when the victim of Bipolar disorder chooses not to address and treat the problem in spite of the responsibilities he/she might have. In this case, this man's wife had a child who she not only left but who will probably have some psychological issues to deal with in the future because of the impact she has had on him. Let me make this clear: this is 100% unacceptable. Within a relationship, I do believe a spouse should do everything he/she can to research the issue and do what he/she can to get help for the victim, but the very second a child is involved I find it irresponsible to allow someone in the child's life displaying the typically erratic behaviors of bipolar disorder unless that person does the responsible thing by getting help. I can say this, because I got help the very second I saw the pain I was causing my family and my boyfriend. You don't have to be sober to see it, I was severely manic and though at first I attributed my mother's tears to "her own dramatic need for attention" I was able to intuitively grasp the connection between my mental states and the well-being of my relationships. If I had a child I would HAVE to be able to do this, if I chose not to or couldn't due to a lack of lucidity, then I can confidently say now (in a completely stable moment) that I hope to God my husband had the good sense to keep that child away from me. I would want him to help me because the removal from reality I have the potential to experience with this disease is the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. However, that child's safety and mental well-being are of the utmost importance and any compromise in the care of that child that may be induced by my husband's preoccupation with me is completely unacceptable.
You cannot compare Cancer, or any other physical disease with a mental disease. To us, yes the disease is brutal and in some cases far more terrifying than a painful and terminal illness. But our disease affects the ones we love and has the potential to ruin lives. I don't know of a single case where a parent with cancer refused treatment that guaranteed to keep them alive. Compare this with Bipolar. I don't know a single case where a parent with cancer exposed their child to psychologically scarring behaviors. While cancer is very difficult to deal with from a child's perspective, there is a distinct difference between "Something happened to Mommy to make her feel sick" and "Something happened to Mommy to make her want to leave me/Something happened to Mommy to make her wrestle naked in bed with Mr. Smith/Something happened to Mommy to make her not want to see me, talk to me, play with me, love me" A wife and mother who has cancer is still a wife and mother. A wife and mother with untreated Bipolar disorder neglects both roles and to reiterate, I fully understand how horrible it is for the wife and mother herself, but the impact it has on loved ones is in no way comparable to the impact of a physical illness on loved ones.
Alyssa T. Walters |
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| leeruok
Super Member (250+ posts)
631 Posts
Gratitude: 334
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Posted - 12/15/2008 : 20:41:39
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ForMeNot1586,
You seem to take issue with the idea that
people with bp could commit adultery or
fornication and get away with it by using their
disease as an excuse.
I can understand your upset and apparent frustration
with such an idea.
But please understand, everyone who has this disease
doesn't express or display their symptoms like
you do.
There are varying degrees of this disease.
Some people have only mild mood distrubances,
while others suffer their whole life, hearing
voices, unattached from reality and tittering on
the brink of reality and insanity.
There are many, many bp sufferers that have tried
medication after medication to no avail.
I have an uncle who is on every medication
known to man, and still hears voices, still
thinks he is Jesus and still thinks that
any given person, at any given time is a demon.
It doesn't matter if they are trying to help
him or not.
His REASONING skills are quite simply, fried.
He doesn't undertand the consequences of his
actions, or the reality of what it is doing
to his family.
He is not you. There is no logic left with which
to base rational decisions upon.
Any person with bp can have this awful, life
shattering disease become more severe at anytime.
Because you have the rationality and sense
to see how your actions effected those
around you, does not mean that all person's
with bp are capable and able to do the same.
Loved ones of people suffering with mental
illness have a difficult time dealing with
unpredictabilit, yes, immorality, yes.
But we are also capable of loving, giving,
cherishing loved ones and MOVING on past
mistakes that we have made.
It is my hope that more people than not
will give bp suffers a chance to do so.
From my experience it can be well worth
the effort.
Displaying mercy, love and flexibility in
any situation in life, guarantees the best
possible outcome for everyone.
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| ForgetMeNot1586
Starting Member
2 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2008 : 23:50:46
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leeruok,
I certainly understand your point, and I failed to express the importance in taking care of a loved one with bp. I am not saying this man's wife does not deserve love or help. She absolutely does, just not at the expense of their child's wellbeing. For someone as serious as your uncle I feel as though it is slightly easier to take care of him in that he has far less of a grip on reality than this woman seems to. Your uncle's family members can make medical decisions for him if he is not lucid, for example. This woman, though undeniably manic, is lucid enough to continue making her own decisions medically speaking. She can still choose to be treated or not to be treated; to get help or to continue on the way she is going. Her family and ex husband should always remain open to supporting her, however she should not be allowed to mother that child unless she one day finds a treatment that helps her to function in a way that is appropriate for raising her son.
Alyssa T. Walters |
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| leeruok
Super Member (250+ posts)
631 Posts
Gratitude: 334
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Posted - 12/16/2008 : 00:09:37
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ForgetMeNot1586,
I understand exactly what you are saying.
I agree completely, that someone who is
not stable and capable of making good
decisions, should not be handling
a child. If the parent should remain
unstable, then it is only right
that the parent should not be allowed to inflict
harm on the child by exposing it to behavior
that is be harmful.
The child should always come first.
I'm sorry if I didn't express that in my first
post.
But my problem is...sometimes the state
takes over...and people like you and
and me who are capable of making rational
decisions and changing, are not given
the benefit of the doubt and lose everything.
There is no flexibility in the reasoning.
Then, not only has the child lost a parent,
but must carry the stigma of mental illness
around with them.
I'm glad you posted again.
I can understand what your concerns are.
I hope that you keep posting.
You are indeed passionate, always
a plus for those of us diagnosed with
bp.
Hey, you could post in the general or
social sections if you have other questions
or thoughts.
If you dont want to you can keep it right here.
Linda
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| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
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| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
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| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
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Bipolar genius wife has BP, living hell nightmare
