I have been dealing with bipolar for a long time now. It has taken so much from me through out my life. But now even though I am in treatment and taking my meds the way I am suppose to I am having more and more hallucinations. It is becoming harder and harder to function. I am a salesman and nothing is worse than talking to a customer and seeing and hearing another version of myself talking to me. I find myself wanting to be away from people more and more. Hiding from them because I do not want anyone to know. I know if I tell my doctor he will want to put me on more drugs or maybe put me in the hospital. The drugs will dull me or maybe even make me unable to function and I can not stand that. I have done that too many times. I am tired of hearing all these sounds , tired of seeing myself standing in front of me giving its ideas which are not always pleasant. It is like my rage is manifesting in him (him like he is real). I am intelligent enough to know it is my own mind and nothing that is real. But that does not make it awhole easier to deal with. I am not paranoid. I manage myself as well as anyone could dealing with this. It is exhausting. Everyone around me knows I am bipolar but this is different. Over the last few years I have managed my bipolar very well. I thought I was in the clear. Now this! My family has been very supportive and they have told me how proud of me they have been that I have managed it very well. I have a great girl I am with that this has affected. Although she has no idea what is going on.She only knows that I am more distant and do not pay her as much attention. I will lose her if she finds out. I will lose alot if people find out or if it gets to where I can not function. I am in a constant fight to hold it all together. I do not want to lose what I have work so hard to earn AGAIN.
Hi, I'm new. Sorry you haven't gotten any replies yet. :( I don't have the exact same problems as you, but I know what it is like to not want anyone to know what's going on with you. I know what it is like to withdraw. It just seems to make people dislike you. Makes you feel like no one cares. When in fact, people do. They just don't understand. I know that you are scared. I'm scared a lot too. But worrying and not doing too much about it can only make it worse. I am a huge hypocrite in some ways, but when it comes down to it I do the best I can to try and seek help. I do it for my family. I do it for those that care about me. And most of all. This might be selfish, but because living in a stagnant negative place is horrible. So, I want to do it for me, so that I can stop hating myself and be more "normal".
<3s I hope everything gets better and works out for you. Zeener
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Posted - 03/30/2009 : 12:42:54
