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eleanor
Starting Member
10 Posts
Gratitude: 6
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 Posted - 05/24/2008 : 08:54:40
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I just wonder what i am supposed to do. Even trying to write this- i feel so lost. Should i speak out about how i feel? What good will it do. I've had plenty of years of therapy and meds.
I am more stable now but every single day i get up and if i dont have directed activity - then i sit and my thinking immediately sticks on DEPRESSION.. OVER AND OVER AGAIN...
I move thru it like mud, just slugging into the next thing. Figuring it wont get any better. Noone really wants to hear about it. Should i take more meds? Which ones? I have been on so many. It was for dpression first and nothing worked, then i started Lamictal and things got better, but still i sit with this
I read the posts here and figure i will have to do battle for the rest of my life..If i call my pdoc, she could help but do i want to try another med?
The people that dont have this, they move from one thing to another without having to FEEL about most of it.
I will keep busy again, trying to pretend that IT isnt there, that i have it GREAT.. that i am only partially paralyzed so i should be grateful. If i can try to do something for someone else, it will help them and me.
i am not a bad person, trying to get good. I am a sick person trying to get well.
Thanks for listening..
E
circling.. just waiting for a place to land  |
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| aquamarine
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1238 Posts
Gratitude: 300
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Posted - 05/24/2008 : 11:35:55
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Hi Eleanor,
I find that writing here and in my blog really helps me understand myself better. Just a note, if you post in the "general" area you get more responses. The people here have been so supportive of my long struggle against depression and I know for me coming here is a safe haven to be me "anyway" me is on any given day. Welcome.
...aqua |
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 05/25/2008 : 12:29:28
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ELENOR RULES!!!
LISTEN TO AQUA SHES SMARTER THAN OLD FOOLS 
can you afford cognitive behavioural therapy [cbt]?
a behaviourist helped me alot.
go for walks ,find a shady spot have a picnic in the park.
and join us in bipolar general dicussion /social forums.
also vist the other site some of us use. its in my profile.
click on my name.
break down projects into their parts,break down the parts of a task into steps.
write things down. write alot,role play . |
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| Jonathan90125
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4098 Posts
Gratitude: 378
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Posted - 05/26/2008 : 14:27:00
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Hi eleanor, I don't know what to say. Is there anything in particular you'd like to discuss that's getting you down e.g. relationship difficulties, health problems beravement? Don't feel you have to answer if you don't want
Ewo songs I find helpful when I'm feeling down are "Don't give up," Peter Gabriel, and Kate Bush, and "Everybody hurts" by R.E.M. |
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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Posted - 06/02/2008 : 05:03:42
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eleanor, you should definitely speak out about how you feel. That is what this board is for. In fact, some of us speak out A LOT. LOL
I was dxed with BPD only two years ago, but I suspect that I've had it since at least age 19. I remember vividly talking to someone about "cotton stuffed in my head so I can't think." I was dxed as unipolar depression for twenty years. It took an escalation of the BPD and a breakdown for me to finally have a doctor recognize it. I don't blame the doctors - all they ever saw was depression, and that's all I ever talked about.
Of course, twenty years ago BP II wasn't recognized - you had to be pretty far along the continuum with manic symptoms to be recognized. Now my version is recognized, too (my "mania" is just mildly above normal).
Unfortunately, trial and error is still the method by which our pdocs (hopefully) find the right combination of meds for each of us. I was very lucky - it took only 18 months to find a regimen that is keeping me pretty stable. But hang in there - maybe it won't be all that helpful at first, but your pdoc will change and tweak your meds. It is too bad, but it's reality, and the thing is to just hang on until the right combo is found.
I've been in remission for nearly seven months. Sure there are up and down days, but they are just odd individual days, and most are related to external stimuli.
I do still struggle with how unhappy I am at work. I wish I could reasonably quit, but retirement for me is in just a few years, so I have to be patient. It's better to stay and retire than leave for another place of employment. I have good health care and want to keep it, for sure. So that means patience until I can retire. My place of employment does challenge the stability of my mood disorder, though.
BUT - even with that, the meds have helped. I can make it through now (I may be miserable many times, but I probably won't kill myself over it. On meds, I can see beyond the immediate misery to the eventual reward. I couldn't do that before.)
Despite the fact that I'm unhappy with a big chunk of my life doesn't mean I'm depressed. The good combination of meds that I'm taking does make a difference. So keep on working with your pdoc to find a good combo for you.
Good luck!
Not all who wander are lost. - J. R. R. Tolkien |
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