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centersj
Starting Member

1 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 02/27/2008 : 08:27:55

Please bear with me, this might be a bit lengthy.

My fiancé and I have been together 2 years now. When we met, she was, at the time, a serious pot head, being high almost every minute of the day. After a few weeks of dating, things started getting pretty serious. We sat down and had a talk about the direction we were going together and I conveyed to her what I was looking for in a woman.

Just a little background on her....She has been smoking pot since she was 13...she's now 33. As she grew up, she has pretty much done EVERYTHING there is to do concerning drugs including cocaine, crack, acid, pot, ecstasy, you name. It wrecked her life...she lost her daughter for neraly 4 years because of the drug/alcohol abuse. She's diagnosed bi-polar and has been on MANY medications in the past for diagnosed mental disorders. She made a decision about a year before her and I met to clean up and get her life right and to also get her daughter back....so at the time when I met her, she was with that mentality in her life.

Continuing on...after our talk about 'us', she agreed to stop smoking pot and close that chapter in her drug abusive life. Now, I'm not stupid....at that point I was still expecting her to have weak moments and smoke it....that's to be expected to some degree when someone is cleaning up. And she has had several moments. But, for the most part, I was under the impression that she was pushing forward and trying to be 100% clean. To her credit, she has completely turned her life around and cleaned up...she's a Mom again, she has a great job, she me, a beautiful home. I'm immensely proud of her.

Off and on thought out our relationship, she has done a lot of things to really give me some red flags about 'us'. After about 4 months of our relationship, I was discovering that she was sneaking very often behind my back and hooking up with other drug users to get high. She was hiding it, lying to me a lot, and showing sign of regressing back to a life of constant drug abuse. After finding these things out, I told her I was going to start drug testing her randomly to help motivate her to not do these things anymore. Now keep in mind, she expressed deep passions about wanting to clean up and she asked for my help to get her there. The drug testing was agreed to by her and she thanked me for it many times. My only intentions are to help her get where she wants to be. I also adamantly encouraged her to completely sever ANY contact with ANYONE who used, could get drugs, or otherwise tempt her to use again. She also agreed to that as well and thought it was for the best.
For several months, things were going ok. But after a while, I started discovering she was sneaking and smoking. The deception really started becoming a problem and a trend and I put my foot down and told her if I ever caught her smoking again, I was out. My emotions at this point are so frayed and I've tried so hard to help her.

So, here we are today. It has been about 8-9 months since I told her that. Our life has been great together for the most part and I've been under the impression that she's been clean and doing great. The other day though, after seeing very suspicious things, she admitted to be 'taking a couple of hits' a few times a week. She's saying it's the best thing to help her cope, unwind, sleep better, deal with stress, etc. She is now saying that she wants to keep doing this for 'medicinal purpose' and not as a recreational or social things. My fear is that this will lead to more frequent usage and eventually other drugs to be re-introduced into her life. She's come such a long way and I love her so dearly, but I just can't take that if it happens. I'm leaning more toward letting her toke a few times a week ONLY for medicinal purposes. But with her track record, I'm afraid she's going to slowly increase out of control.

I just need some feedback and what I'm missing, is she lying to me just to get me to agree to let her smoke again? With her many years of drug abuse, is she likely to regress and turn into a junkie? I don't know.

Thanks for reading. I look forward to your responses.

Zep
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2298 Posts
Gratitude: 536
Very caring Very wise Very honest

Posted - 02/27/2008 : 11:50:15

Hi Centersj, and welcome to MT. It sounds like you are having a really hard time right now, and that your girlfriend is as well. I've not lived with an addict, but the prevailing wisdom is that no one can *make* them give up, except themselves, although it sounds as though she has tried *really* hard for you....

The one thing missing from you story seems to be professional help - counselling, relationship counselling, psychiatrist, drug and alcohol counslling - any combination of the above. You didn't say whether your girlfriend is currently receiving treatment for her bipolar? Because addicts with proper treatment for their mental illnesses are less likely to abuse substances. You don't say *why* she smokes dope?

In my experience, love and commitment go a long way towards motivating people to change, but do not necessarily achieve it without professional help as well. And your girlfriend's perspective on the situation would be very relevant as well.

I hope things work out well for both of you. These are just my opionions, don't forget....

Zep.

Madness is merely a state of mind.

mom22galz
Super Member (250+ posts)

336 Posts
Gratitude: 148

Posted - 02/27/2008 : 12:44:50

Welcome to MT, centerj,

I don't know what to tell you, given her history is so much different than mine. We do share in the 20 years that we've been smoking up. We don't share in the other drug experiences. Thus, as it's never been a gateway drug for me personally, I can't advise at all what road your partner may take.

But I can tell you that I find occasionally smoking pot does calm me down and help me stay on an even keel. I also take prescribed meds, one of which is a clonazepam. That is in the benzodiazepam (valium) family. It is highly addictive, and I generally prefer a toke over taking clons @ 1.5 mg/day. We've hashed this out several times in my RL group; the benzo vs marijuana debate. Seems a fairly even split.

Dr Long, MT's administrator, is fervently against it from what I gather. If you search MT a bit you will find lots of information.

There are many programs for "concurrent disorders" -- mental health Dx + addiction As Zep said, while having a supportive bf is wonderful, professional help is usually needed to manage bipolar.

I hope your fiancé, her child and yourself are able to form a happy family

Peace out,
m22g

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

PolarOne
Super Member (250+ posts)

456 Posts
Gratitude: 113

Posted - 03/01/2008 : 02:29:20

Hi centersj,

I agree its difficult to comment without knowing the hows and whys of how she got it all together first time round. Medical help seems useful for getting off alcohol/drugs in the first instance (treating the symptoms), not necessarily very good for treating the underlying problems though. Sensible Psychs., for instance, are prepared to admit that they're not good at treating addictions, which affects 50%+ of people with BP I gather.

I think the Admin here advocates 12-Step which seems the best way forward for many I think. Bipolar meds tend not to work when there's substance abuse going on I gather (alcohol tops the list), makes sense in my experience too. They can add a whole bunch of side-effects/interactions though to the substance obviously.

Its worthwhile to at least go to some of the meetings to gain a bit more insight, they are (mostly) open to everyone, and are even online these days. Al-Anon might be worthwhile for you perhaps, I learnt a lot from attending these for about 6 months. Perhaps the most important being that people generally have to be pretty serious about seeking out help for themselves as mentioned. Some people you can't seem to help was another. Maybe you've done this already, dunno. They're all available at the end of a phone for (free) advice too of course.

I'm not a 12-stepper but admire people who do commit to that, it's definately a useful to experince to at least go to some meetings I think, plenty of relatives/spouses etc. do.

It's very reasonable to mention that some prescribed drugs are (at least) as addictive as cannabis I think, its certainly used medicinally these days too, for MS say. I gather there's a risk of psychosis and paranoia with that though, personally I wouldn't use it (the one time I did it gave me fairly horrendous panic attacks though = aversion therapy

).

The 'slippery slope' can approximate a vertical incline for some folks though, much more likely with disinhibition of the manic phase from what I've seen/heard. A lot of folks also self-medicate to escape from depression too, obviously thats a viscious cycle in itself.

Just some thoughts, hope things work out better

bw

stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)