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Originally posted by lynn2150

"A Member Shares"

My name is Dawn and I am an alcoholic. I did not get sober for sobriety. I got sober to be happy -- because I wasn't when I was using.

My topic is change -- specifically how I have changed since I got sober 18+ years ago. These are not things I planned or could possibly have imagined when I was using, but my life now is richer (emotionally and spiritually) than I ever could have believed possible. The "promises" from the Big Book have come true in my life.

The major change is that I am happy on a regular basis. Very little gets me down. I can deal with situations that I would have escaped from before.

For example, my father was not an easy person to get along with. That is why my mother divorced him. But when I was a few years sober, he was at a point where he was not able to live alone any longer. He was also not a person who could adapt easily to a group situation. So I asked him to come live with me and I took care of him until his death 14 years later.

Was this easy? No. Was it the right thing for me to do? Yes. I was able to give back what was given to me as a child. During that time, I learned a lot about myself and my Higher Power. I gained empathy and compassion. I also learned that my happiness is not contingent upon what is happening outside my skin. I learned I did not have to escape through self medication in order to be happy. Happiness is an inside job. That was a big change.

This epiphany came into play again last year when my mother had "outpatient" surgery. It was supposed to be minor. Well, it wasn't. She didn't wake up. We knew her wishes to be allowed to die in these circumstances so the doctors withdrew food and water.

Sitting with her for 10 days, I realized I was sad to let her go but I was still happy within myself. I was there for HER and unlike the rest of my family (who don't have a program), I could be calm, content, and serene in the situation. I could focus my energies on her and not myself. I don't know what I would have done if I had been drinking, but I am sure it would not have been positive. I would have fed into my family's insanity.

When my brother died a few years ago, Mom got mad at god. Fury was at her core. While I was sitting with her, Mom actually became conscious. She tried to talk and, somehow, we did communicate. Because I know MY higher power, I could help her reconnect with the higher power of HER understanding. That gave her the peace she needed to let go.

She died on my late brother's birthday. He was her favorite and she is with him. If I had not been sober and centered by HP, I don't know who would have helped her make spiritual peace so she could transition easily.
What I learned in sobriety gave me the strength to help her -- when the rest of the family was falling apart and getting nasty.

I was always the dishonest, disreputable kid who escaped reality. Through AA, I became able to handle and to learn from situations that emotionally strain others. I don't have to run from them and although I don't necessarily enjoy them, they "center" me. I become calm and even content. My joy is within and I no longer run away trying to find it.

My life is richer and the insights my Higher Power provide are greater than anything I could imagine. Does this mean life is easy? No. Materially, I am broke. Physically, I am in constant pain. But spiritually and emotionally I am happier than I have ever been. And it keeps getting better with time.

So the changes I have found in sobriety are that I have found myself -- and the higher power of MY understanding. These two constants are always with me. Even in the worst situations, I can usually find beauty. I can see miracles. I can laugh. And that is worth more to me than gold, drugs, alcohol, or anything else this world can provide. I am HAPPY and that is what I wanted when I got sober.

I hope you are happy too! dawn


This Story, was taken from a Recovery Group.
Thank you to Dawn, for her honest contribution.
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