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Guilt

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The White Rabbit
Starting Member

5 Posts
Gratitude: 2

Posted - 11/16/2007 : 02:25:04

I never lacked self-confidence in my life until I had a melt down and was diagnosed with Bipolar I. I didn't realize it, but I had symptoms before, and I sure struggled with it, but I managed to survive and even be a successful leader in business and personal life, mostly thanks to timely manic episodes and alcohol abuse. I've never fully recovered since my first total melt down 3-4 years ago and I'm a shell of my former self. I can't work, I'm a loner, I'm unreliable, and I can't even consistently follow, much less be a leader of anything anymore.

But the worst thing right now is the guilt I feel for being such a lousy partner to my girlfriend. My melt down occurred 1 year after we moved in together -- so she didn't sign up for this. She has expressed great frustration with being a caregiver, when that wasn't what she signed up for. It's easy to point the finger at her and say she's a lousy partner, 'til death do us part, love is love, etc., but I don't honestly believe that. You can't find yourself with a completely different spouse a year later and just grin and bear it. And I've been tough, too. My bipolar is severe.

Anyone else find a way to cope with guilt like this?

The White Rabbit

ournationsfate
Starting Member

26 Posts
Gratitude: 21

Posted - 11/28/2007 : 11:17:36

first thing you have to know is that you are NOT a different person. You have something wrong with you that can be treated. You can get better. It'll take time and patience and hard work but you will get better. have you tried talking to your girl about how you feel? Have you talked to her about your needs? Have you asked her about hers? Perhaps you could try sitting her down for a conversation. Say something like "I know this is a very difficult time right now and believe me it's difficult for me too and I appreciate you being there for me. Is there any way I can be there for you in a way that would make things easier?"

Perhaps she feels frustrated being the primary caregiver but perhaps you could do things to make it easier. Like cooking dinner, cleaning, showing her you care for her and love her. I know you feel horrid right now but I'm sure there are days where you feel more okay than others. On those days why not trying to do something nice for her.

You also need to know that you aren't worthless. Just because you are diagnosed with BP1 doesn't make you a bad person. Neither does having a meltdown. Most of the greatest people in history were messed up in some way or another. You can still do great things. You need to know that you are still the same person beneath the disorder.

RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
Very caring Very wise Very honest

Posted - 12/07/2007 : 04:41:07

Yes, things change. Don't feel guilty for being a "lousy" partner. Don't beat yourself up like that. It only makes the whole situation worse.

Unless this has been going on since day one, maybe your partner just needs a break. Caretakers whose partner has a serious physical illness need breaks, so it would be understandable if your partner needs a break.

Just like you, I was only diagnosed after a complete breakdown. I'm very, very lucky that a number of years ago my partner was in therapy for some time, so I get good support. But even she gets frustrated when I'm in a cycle.

Does your partner have a support group of her own? Either friends or family or online or in person? If not, it might help her to connect with others whose partners/spouses are dealing with the same issues that she is dealing with.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children . . . Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

coconutvaper
Starting Member

18 Posts
Gratitude: 11

Posted - 05/17/2010 : 18:06:50

I know this is an older post and the originator may no longer be here, but someone who comes along later may read this - so maybe it's still relevant.

I can relate to feeling guilty. It's one of my major issues. I feel guilty because I had a major medical illness during which I temporarily lost my sight. My spouse had to take care of me completely because I was totally blind for 3 months.
After that, I came out as transgendered and I began gender transition.

My spouse "didn't sign on" for either of these things.
Since she and I began as a lesbian couple, we can't stay together. She can't have a relationship with me now because I am man.

Well guess what: I didn't sign up for these issues. I didn't voluntarily lose my sight. I didn't "decide" that I was trans. I would gladly have lived without either of these problems. There are days when I still can't shake the guilt and sometimes when something bad happens to me, I find myself saying, "You deserve it, loser!" Sometimes when I am in pain, I think that I should be in pain and that actually I deserve much worse.

We have to keep in mind that there are simply parts of our experience that are out of our control. We must retrain ourselves to deal with these issues, knowing that good and bad, pleasure and pain, are going to come to us no matter what we do. They are simply facts of living and not reflections of who we are or what we "deserve".

When you enter into a relationship, you must accept each other, warts and all. If there is a point at which it ends, that doesn't necessarily mean we have failed or put our partners through too much. Sometimes it just means that it is time for us to start a new chapter.

My 2 cents,
Michael

yinyang
Super Member (250+ posts)

370 Posts
Gratitude: 27

Posted - 06/13/2011 : 18:12:51

Hi White Rabbit, I realize this was posted ages ago and I hope that time has brought healing and relief for you. I know all about guilt somedays I feel like I am living in a vast pit of it with no relief in sight. When I was younger it seemed like everything I touched turned golden. I was a track star with dreams of the olympics, a straight A student with asperations of becoming a lawyer. Now I can't hold down a job, I flunked out of college not due to grades but because I can't manage the correct social lines or politics and didn't pass my co-ops. I cheated on my husband during manic episodes and have put him through more hell than I can describe during my different manic and depressive cycles than I can count. Also being bisexual hasn't been easy on our marriage either.
I used to use all this guilt against myself like a weapon. Stabbing myself over and over again with the proof of my inadequacies and failures. Then I realized I wasn't doing myself or my relationship any favors. Yes I have to work hard to try and not repeat past mistakes, but I also have to accept that due to my health I may make more mistakes and failures in the future. All I can do in the present is try and be a good wife and a good person so that I have something to focus on (and hopefully my husband will too) during times of mania or depression and I screw up.
You are still a good person and although your partner may be frustrated and overwhelmed with having to be a caregiver at certain times, YOU are still there. Your girlfriend needs take make sure she takes care of herself too so she doesn't burnout, and you can help out too by doing little things when you can to show her how much you care for her.
I know many things may have changed since you wrote the orriginal message here and I do hope that things have gotten better for you in all ways possible. Try not to let guilt take over your life, you deserve to be happy and sometimes that means letting go of things that you have no control over and can't change. Good luck!!

warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)