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Mood Disorder Community
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dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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 Posted - 09/22/2007 : 02:55:27
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I have something to talk about. I've never talked about it. Not to my best friend, not to my husband, not to my therapist.
I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know if I am even ready to talk about it.
But I'm confused, and I always have been.
Dizzy |
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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Posted - 09/22/2007 : 04:11:34
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Dizzy, it's okay, you should wait until you're ready.
http://www.twu.edu/o-sl/counseling/SelfHelp015.html
http://members.tripod.com/~gingerly/out.html
http://www.hrc.org/issues/coming_out.asp
I hope these are helpful sites for you.
For many years, I was confused, too. I didn't come out to myself until a year or so after my divorce. It was very scary at first. It was hard. But now, over 15 years later, my only regret is that I didn't realize my sexual orientation earlier so I could be my authentic self.
The pain that I felt in denying that part of who I am was worse than the pain of coming out.
Please keep posting, let us (me) know what you're thinking. Ask us questions. Share your concerns.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein |
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| Ellie
Super Member (250+ posts)
335 Posts
Gratitude: 77
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Posted - 09/22/2007 : 13:31:32
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Hi Dizzy,
They made us feel guilty about the way we feel. Talking about it is a great relief. One of my two best friends hasn't been totally convinced about how I feel yet, but, inspite of that, she makes me feel accepted and loved no matter how I feel. In my adult life, I was too reluctant to express myself, but the last few years I can talk about it quit openly to many people, (thought I am not out to everyone). Most people I have talked about it do not think that this is that terrible after all. I think that talking about it will make you feel free somehow. It is not bad to be confused. I think that for most people, we are confused about several matters. At least I am. But don't give pressure to yourself to make the big step. You can work on that first and take your time. |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 09/27/2007 : 13:24:34
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I'm so frustrated that I'm nearing 30 years old and I still don't "know who I am."
Feeling lonely,
Dizzy |
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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Posted - 09/28/2007 : 05:31:33
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I think that you do know who you are. You just won't admit it. Maybe it's because of religious upbringing or current beliefs. Maybe it's because it seems too overwhelming and scary. Maybe it's because you think it will wreck your relationships with family and friends. Maybe it's because coming out on top of having a serious mental illness feels like too much.
Since this part of the board is about LGBT issues, I am assuming that you are struggling with your sexual orientation.
So, do you think you're bisexual or lesbian? Be brave and take a leap of faith - it's okay to be open in this thread.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 09/28/2007 : 10:51:15
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RedStar,
I felt kind of attacked by your last post. I'm not sure what the intention was, as intention can be hard to read in print.
My confusion as to "who I am" goes far beyond my sexual identity. And, yeah, I have a hard time "admitting" it, to anyone, including myself. Which I think right now is my main concern. I am trying to approach this "gingerly"
It's not because of my religous beliefs, as I am a very open-minded person.
It is very overwhelming and scary.
I KNOW it will wreck my current relationships with my family. I have been married for almost 10 years and have a five year old daughter that I am raising. And, I LOVE MY HUSBAND!
And, yeah, coming out on top of having this illness, well, my friends and fmaily would probably think, what's next!!!!!
Things I know:
--I am AT LEAST bisexual. I am wondering if I may be closer to being a lesbian.
--I was attracted to women long before I was ever attracted to men.
--I have had woman-woman "encounters" but they have all been dysfunctional and in really bad times of my life (ie duration of this illnes). I DO NOT think that homosexual relationships ARE dysfunctional, I am just saying in my past, what I have been involved in, has not been healthy.
--And, I love my husband. When David posted on 'unrequited love' though, I knew what he was talking about. Not as in, I have been in-love with someone who did not reciprocate the feeling, just that I have a longing inside of me that has never been fulfilled. Right here I feel obliged to say that any who think this longing is a spiritual one, I would not disagree, because I do think there is a spiritual element, but I do not think that is the WHOLE story.
--I have never loved a woman, beyond a love in friendship, But I know I could.
--I do not want to just meet someone and have sex, I am beyond that in my development (at this point, who knows when that will change). My sexual feelings go beyond what a one-night-stnad or casual relationship could offer. This sexual identity crisis is NOT just about sex for me. It is more than that.
Got lots more going on inside this head of mine, but not sure how to put it right now. RedStar, I do not mean to sound angry with you, but I do feel angry in general. There's a lot going on inside of me and outside of me right now that I have not yet come to terms with. So, I am sure that most of my anger is self-directed.
Thank you for the links, but a lot of the links were broken.
This is just something I want to talk about right now, in a safe place.
I don't want to be brave.
Dizzy |
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| Ellie
Super Member (250+ posts)
335 Posts
Gratitude: 77
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Posted - 09/29/2007 : 02:44:51
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Hi Dizzy,
You said that you do not know "who you are". You obviously feel that you need to fillful some desires of yours. I think that we should all try to do so, as otherwise the unfillfuled desires can hunt us. (Sorry for my English) But knowing who we are seems non-realistic to me (I may be wrong). One thing is that we are so complicated, and the other is that we are not one stable thing over time. We are changing constantly. One thing is important right now, and it is not that important sometime later. But we own it to ourselves trying to accept the truth. But even if we can make our mind sometime and say "Now I know. That's what I really want!" will this last for long? Isn't it highly possible that we get confused again sometime later? I think that you have made a brave step accepting that you are confused. You are closer to find an answer than someone that pretentes that his life is just fine.
I can hear you about your conserns about the reaction of your family. I think that the huge majotity of us have the same conserns, though our desitions may be different. And nobady can guarantee to you what their reactions might be. I guess that it would not be resonsible for someone to tell you "go on girl! go tell them". You know them better, and you also know what's the cultural environment you are living in. But it is true that sometimes our loved ones are more willing to accept things otherwise unacceptable, just for our sake.
I can see that talking to your husband about it is something that needs a lot of thinking first. If I have understood well, you do not want to break up with him right now and at the same time you feel the need to have a romantic ralationship with a woman. (sorry if I have misunderstood you. Please correct me) I guess that it might be hard for him to accept that. I can see the difficult situation that you are into.
But instead of fucusing at the difficult stuff it may be better to focusing on making small steps. Isn't there any friend you think you could talk about it? You do not need to do it now, but you could make such a plan. Another thing that has worked for me to gain some courage is talking to strangers (in real life, not just at the internet). People that I knew that I wouldn't see again. I was talking to them about my personal feelings. It was a way for me to feel that it was not that terrible and that people most possibly wouldn't feak out. Another idea is that when you feel comfortable you could have some contact with the LGBT community. Not for getting advice about how to solve your issues, but to feel that you are not alone on that. It has helped me a lot.
And don't forget that we are hear for you girl willing to listen. |
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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Posted - 09/30/2007 : 02:26:53
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Dizzy, I am sorry. I meant it all kindly. My intention was not to attack.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 09/30/2007 : 18:57:35
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Hello!
Thank you Ellie for your kind words. And, actually I do think there is "self-actualization". Maybe we don't know ALL the answers, but I feel like we can KNOW ourselves. At least that's what I hope for.
I think I may be ready to talk to my therapist about my confusion with my sexual identity. I've been seeing him for over 2 years, and I do trust and respect him.
And RedStar, I realized later that you probably didn't mean any harm by your words. This topic is very sensitive with me, and I reacted. But please don't get me wrong, I want you and others to give me honest opinions. I really need the feedback, and your last post encouraged me to think more deeply and be more honest with myself.
With that said, do you have any comments on my last post?
Dizzy
Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't. Brett Butler |
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| Ellie
Super Member (250+ posts)
335 Posts
Gratitude: 77
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Posted - 10/01/2007 : 15:04:55
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Taking the desition to talk about it is more difficult than doing it. It is like the gym. It is hard to stand up and go, but once there, the accual exersise is easy. I guess that we feel ashamed of our feelings and it is hard to overcome that. But once you start talking about it, it will be more easy.
GP: I hope that your therapist is more possitive than my pdoc. He sees a ptoblem in everything. I had told him that I liked a girl and he told me that I was disappointed by men, etc. |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 10/03/2007 : 10:08:14
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Ellie, you are just a sweetheart.
I've always said the hardest part of excersizing, is putting on my shoes. I guess it's true in this case as well.
ANd, I can talk to my therapist about anything, he is completely non-judgemental and very tolerant and accepting.
Problem is, that since I am having to take care of my sister this week, I am going to be unable to see him. ANd I have PLENTY to talk about....in case you haven't read my blog.
I am hoping that we can arrange a telephone conversation, he's usually pretty good about that when I can't come in. Hell, he even calls me back on the weekends when I leave him a message.
Thanks for your kind support.
Dizzy
Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't. Brett Butler |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 10/04/2007 : 21:46:40
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Only got to talk to my therapist for 20 minutes.
And he's out of town for the next two weeks.
I guess it will give me time to journal a bit.
Dizzy
Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't. Brett Butler |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 11/03/2007 : 20:29:38
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I no longer want to be physically intimate with my husband. Big secret, I know.
I am tired of acting straight.
Dizzy
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
Albert Einstein
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| JodyWoo
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5784 Posts
Gratitude: 665
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Posted - 11/05/2007 : 09:09:29
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dizzy, we are all here for you and I hope that you find it easier to open up to yourself about this.
I've never had to worry about breaking out of a routine... I'm only 16, I haven't been married or had any kids or anything, so it's easy for me to be open about my bisexuality.
In fact, I have a girlfriend right now. I haven't really mentioned it on mytherapy because it was only made official a few days ago.
We support you 100% and we are here if you need to talk.
*hugs*
Jody
In the moonlight
Your face it glows
Like a thousand diamonds
I suppose
And your hair flows like
The ocean breeze
Not a million fights
Could make me hate you
You’re invincible
Yeah, It’s true
It’s in your eyes
Where I find peace
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 11/11/2007 : 07:59:57
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I told my friend that part of the trouble I am having with my husband is that I am attracted to women. (SHe is actually a relative of my husband.) She says something about, we all get that way when we're drinking, and I told her, yeah, but I'm still that way the next day. In fact, I had not been drinking that night anyway.
But, she didn't make a big deal of it. It was a stretch for me to tell her that. But she is a very good friend, and I know her secrets too.
Here's a vid that I am really feeling right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hejwv2R04mM
One of these days...
Dizzy
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
Albert Einstein
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 11/16/2007 : 22:13:21
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I'm so lonely tonight. I am lacking intimacy in my relationships. I am becoming more and more distant with my husband...I'm really hiding from him. I just don't feel like being honest right now. Too much would change. And, from the outside, my homelife is not that bad. My husband is kind, compassionate, mostly supportive. He is a good friend, a good provider.....but the distance I am feeling is tangible, and I don't know how long it will be before I break down. I want someone to love me for me....
Dizzy aka Aunt DD
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh
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