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Mood Disorder Community
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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 Posted - 12/07/2007 : 04:18:59
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Dizzy, I've never been in your situation, and it sounds very hard.
Have you thought about what you want your relationship with your husband to be like? Ideally, for you, how would the two of you co-exist?
I'm proud of you for coming out to your friend. The whole "it's just a phase" reaction is common. Just give her time to get used to the idea. From what you said, she didn't instantly reject you or even really object to the fact that you attracted to women. She just softened the blow for herself.
You may not see it, but I think you're handling coming out pretty well.
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children . . . Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron. - Dwight D. Eisenhower |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 12/07/2007 : 11:42:59
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Red, thank you so much for reaching out to me. I know very few gay people, actually only one that I am friends with, and she lives 3 hours away. And the rural mid-southern US is not the best place for tolerence, let alone acceptance.
So far I have "come out" to one friend, one sister, and the hardest of all, my husband. Surprisingly, they have all taken it very well. No knee-jerk reactions, accusations, none. I guess it probably helps that the people closest to me already knew some of it, without me telling them.
I really don't know what I want my relationship to be with my husband. He finally got around to asking me a few questions, and, well, he hasn't kicked me out on my butt, yet.
I think my coming out to him triggered some physical depression symptoms, as last week was pretty shi**y. I thought I would feel relieved when I finally talked to him about it, but instead I felt extremely guilty. I still do, somewhat. But I do feel better about myself.
ALthouh I feel alone. Lonely. I crave intamacy. I want someone to hold me. The real me, not the lie I have been living.
My husband has stuck it out with me through a lot. I'm sure we will find some way to live with this, how to co-exist. We both love our daughter very much, and this is our most important priority. I know we can look beyond our differences to do what is best for her....
Dizzy
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.~William James
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 12/07/2007 : 11:44:31
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PS I love your new quote...so true.
Dizzy
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.~William James
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 12/18/2007 : 10:21:06
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=xDGiAyGETFo
I thought the fun part about coming out was that you get to date women! Well, not in my case.
Things are very strained between me and mi esposo. No doubt. Don't blame him.
But I am feeling much better about myself. Truer to me. I ask myself if I would want my daughter to hide who she is, and the answer is always a resounding NO!!! And they learn by example. (Not that I am going to try to explain this one to a five year old...just that I want to know that if I am true to myself, she will have an easier time doing the same.)
So much to say, so few words...
Dizzy
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.~William James
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| Ratava
Super Member (250+ posts)
286 Posts
Gratitude: 98
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Posted - 12/18/2007 : 11:17:43
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Oh Dizzy, the loneliness has got to be horrible. Its easier to swallow being lonely on your own, then when with someone. My sexuality and gender identity fall soundly in the middle of everything. as much as i need to bring home the money, and fix the sink, I need to feel pretty about how I look, know that Im sexy, soft baths and tender touch. My 'x' never got the softer side of me. She did try, but that part of me wasnt something she was attracted to. I wont say she dismissed it. . but to not validate a part of someone really is dismissive isnt it, even if it wasnt ment that way. . .
My kids know to a point. they know I love my baths, I color my nails, every one of their friends have been asking them if I were gay since middle school. My answer is as it always was. I am who I am. when I try to hide from it, I just become angry, lost, and confused. But I figure that perhaps my daughter knows more then she lets on because we will get to talking about some of the sexier guys on tv and dads dont do that 
Just be true to yourself. stand tall in yourself. you are right, kids learn from what they see. They learn what to accept and what not to accept from what they know. And when it goes wrong as life often does, show them how to find their way back.
I hope your husband and you find a safe peace between you that gives both of you what you need to feel happy, safe, and loved.
Its not what is perfect but what is flawed that makes someone unique and beautiful |
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| slackagon
New Member
51 Posts
Gratitude: 9
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Posted - 12/26/2007 : 17:28:21
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I have found this discussion to be very helpful in sorting out some of my own feelings, and I appreciate every word that everyone has said in this thread, and the courage of each person to say what they have said.
I've been out for more than 10 years, and it isn't exactly a piece of cake with me, because I don't have any one strong identity. Sure, it may be easier to come out, and I don't mean to give you my dose of my own cynical reality, but it can be hard, even after. It's not just a bundle of roses that the community hands you suddenly, even if you do manage to feel more welcome.
A few years ago I moved from Seattle to Syracuse, NY. This has been the hardest move ever in terms of having to come back out again to everyone. In a way, if you identify with your own gender like how I have, it's like you always have to tend sheep in terms of coming out. But when you move, it resets everything. You can be in the closet all over again, and that is what I seem to have done.
I've grown lonely in Syracuse because I'm also hiding from the end of a gay relationship that seemed to prove that I couldn't be totally gay. I'm confused, like you have been, and have nowhere to turn to. I still talk with my x, but he treats me like an employee now, because I work for him. It's not an entirely healthy relationship, as you might have guessed.
I wonder if it's appropriate to say this, but I've also recently learned that I'm compatible with being a Universalist Unitarian, on about 80% of the Tickle questions that I took that were relevant to this faith. I was able to find several congregations here in Syracuse that are also registered as being GBLT supportive. I plan to join one of them, when I can get my courage up, and hope that I find it something to be 'in' to, something that can heal my wounded soul.
I am a northerner, so I can't say how this relates to being a southerner with your same type of confusion, but I know my coming out was way easy in Seattle, and hard here, because I didn't know anyone here, and people already knew or assumed I was gay and were deeply entrenched in their opinions when I got here.
I need to bring it up with my therapist, now, as you have. It didn't even don on me to do that until now.
It will be hard, but I don't let the hurdles trip me up too badly. I was good in hurdles in High School. Even if you get tripped up by one of them, it doesn't mean you've failed. In fact, that can stimulate you to be a better runner later in the race, or in future races, and you can still 'win'.
Not that life is really a race, but you know what I mean? |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 01/05/2008 : 19:47:45
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I'm feeling very lonely again tonight. Husband is out of town. Which isn't all bad. We act so fake around each other.
But he is a good friend.
But I want someone to share myself with...all of me and all of her.
Dizzy
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.~William James
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 01/06/2008 : 17:32:10
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Slackagon, I'm glad this thread could be of help to you. I just one day decided I needed to be honest with myself....and that's where it all started.
Ratava. I'm alone most of the time too. My husband is out of town for weeks at a time. Probably the only thing saving us.
I am wallowing in my loneliness tonight. Listening to music that supports the feeling. Drinking Tequila Sunrises.
I can't keep going on like this.
My insides ache with loneliness.
Dizzy
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.~William James
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
82944 Posts
Gratitude: 2519
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Posted - 01/08/2008 : 06:25:53
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Hi Dizzy,
I hope that 2008 brings with it the peace of mind you deserve!
Hugs, David
"Remember your humanity and forget the rest." — Joseph Rotblat |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 01/08/2008 : 06:37:15
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Thank you , DT.
I didn't alow myself to get too low the other night. Poured out the 4 th drink....and went to bed. Feeling a little better today. Wallowing in my misery isn't really my style....posted a bit of a rant about it all in my blog.
Thanks for being there.
Dizzy
The community stagnates without the impulse of the individual. The impulse dies away without the sympathy of the community.~William James
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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Posted - 01/14/2008 : 07:12:36
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Dizzy, what courage you have! It took me a couple of years after coming out to myself to tell my family. I, too, was surprised at how well they took it overall. My mom said, "Oh, your father and I wondered and discussed it when you were in college." I said, "Well, then, why didn't you tell ME?" LOL Ah, well, water under the bridge. But I'm still disappointed that I didn't get to date any cute college softball players!
It's hard to predict the long term effects on your marriage. You and your husband entered your marriage with certain unspoken agreements, one of which was that you are both straight (a major "agreement"). You have changed a fundamental part of your marriage. I saw this happen with another friend who came out to his wife as a crossdresser. They struggled with it for a long time before finding equilibrium again.
If you tell me some larger cities in your area, maybe I can help find some GLBT organizations for you. Sadly, in many places the only thing available are gay bars, but they are a seething mass of drunken drama, so it seems like not such a good place for you. If you don't want to post here, you are welcome to email me at RedStarTwinkles@yahoo.com. I've created that account just for MT!
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I and you are you;
Whatever we were to each other, That we still are. I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. -Henry Scott Holland |
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| RedStar
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4843 Posts
Gratitude: 657
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Posted - 01/14/2008 : 07:30:10
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Slackagon, I searched for Metropolitan Community Churches (the "gay" church) in NY, but the closest to you is in Rochester. MCC is definitely Christian, but Unitarian Universalist is much more open to all beliefs. (I have attended both, but the closest UU is, bluntly, too far for me to drive on a Sunday morning.)
UU may provide you with the spiritual support you need. Many gays and lesbians belong to UU, as well.
What is your definition of totally gay, and why do you feel the need to be strictly at one end of the Kinsey spectrum? Almost no one is at the total edges, whether they admit it or not (and there's strong societal pressure to be absolutely clearly defined one way or the other). I'm not all the way at the far end of being lesbian, although I am close. The right man, the right time, and I could sincerely enjoy it... but the fact of the matter is that I don't want to and don't have any real interest in having sex with a man. I just recognize that I could, without throwing up even. LOL
I'm glad that you are going to talk to your therapist about it. It sounds like your ex did some real damage to your self-image that needs some mending.
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I and you are you;
Whatever we were to each other, That we still are. I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. -Henry Scott Holland |
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 01/23/2008 : 15:55:10
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Thank you very much for sharing that, Chump. It means a lot to me.
I am sorry you don't get to see your son. For me, my daughter is what has given me the will to live on.
Anybody else want to come out with me today?
I really do enjoy the company.
Dizzy
"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 01/23/2008 : 16:25:49
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Yeah, I'm still struggling with accepting it myself. No one is going to label me as gay but myself.
But I found that coming out to my husband was an important step for me as far as accepting myself. And the other two people closest to me, well, I had to have someone to vent to. They already pretty much knew, so it wasn't that big of a deal.
I don't really care what 'the world' knows, but I don't want to hide from the people I love.
Dizzy
"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino
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| dizzydean
Super Member (250+ posts)
838 Posts
Gratitude: 294
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Posted - 01/23/2008 : 16:27:27
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quote:
Originally posted by dizzydean
Anybody else want to come out with me today?
I really do enjoy the company.
That was actually my attempt at humor.
Dizzy
"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino
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