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Mood Disorder Community
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SheerLin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3918 Posts
Gratitude: 201
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 Posted - 07/30/2005 : 13:03:20
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Hi, I`m new, I am married with 4 son`s and 2 grandchildren. I am also bipolar2. I have 3 cats and a dog a lab. I was born in England but I now live in Canada.
SheerLin. |
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| SheerLin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3918 Posts
Gratitude: 201
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Posted - 08/01/2005 : 14:49:58
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Hi Storm,
I was diagnosed Nov. 2004. I am on medication, lithium, seroquel, temazapam, and clonozapam. Wow, sounds like a lot eh. I`m not on a very high dose. I am glad you responded, and that you seem to feel a bit better on meds.
SheerLin |
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| SheerLin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3918 Posts
Gratitude: 201
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Posted - 08/02/2005 : 05:12:34
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Hi Storm,
I used to take effexor, maybe thats what caused my bipolar2, I always thought it did. Plus other anidepressants. I wonder if drs. know what they are doing. Do they know the side effects? It took a coule of months to stablize.
SheerLin |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/02/2005 : 14:23:01
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Hi Storm and SheerLin
I just wanted to jump in to your discussion too - so many similarities! I have had symptoms of bipolar for many years, but always managed to hide it - until now, with the stress of marriage breakdown. I have been of Effexor for 6 months, and it was also while on the Effexor that I had a mild manic/hypomanic episode - picked up by my psychiatrist even though I thought I was doing a good job hiding it! I have been on Lithium now for a month, as it is still the gold standard medication. We are going up very slowly, and so far no problems - in fact I feel much more stable on it - don't have the teetering on an edge sensation that I was so used to. I guess I'll see how it goes - let me know how the lamictal goes, Storm!
SB |
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| carol46
Starting Member
9 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 08/02/2005 : 18:28:15
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Hi Sheerlin,
I just wanted to introduce myself, I'm also new to this forum. My name is Carol. I'm 46 years old and come from New Zealand. I'm a mother with 4 teenagers and a wonderful husband. Our eldest is nearly 20 so we are not yet grandparents. I loved your photo of the lighthouse - over my time, I used to get called the fog-horn. When I was up in Hawaii last year, I was taken to a lighthouse.
Anyway, getting back to this discussion - in May of this year, I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1 and have accepted that I will be on medication for the rest of my life - scary for me, but I prefer the medication then the hallucinations etc. |
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| SheerLin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3918 Posts
Gratitude: 201
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Posted - 08/04/2005 : 06:08:20
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Thanks for jumpimg in, it`s hard to accept bipolar2, it seems harder for my husband to accept this. The rest of my family have not been told, and I `m not going to either. It`s a lot less stressfull to not tell anyone. If this my husbands reaction, my family probably would be much worse, knowing them the way I do.
SheerLin |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/04/2005 : 08:55:38
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I think the problem with a psychiatric illness is that everyone seems to focus on "psychiatric", and not "illness". If you try to think of it as a chronic illness, like diabetes, that needs constant treatment, it's a bit easier. Also, even though it affects your moods, it is not you. It makes id difficult that it is an illness that affects your head, and others often feel that that is all in under your control, which it is not. In spite of that seemingly rational explanation, this diagnosis - and the medications, are not something that I have shared with my family, or my lawyer. My ex is being very difficult about the parenting situation, and I don't want this diagnosis to become a lever for him. He left our marriage last year, and after a year of hardly seeing the children wants the children to attend the local school in the city where he has moved, and live half time with him there, and half time with me (rural, but I do work in the same city). Storm, I saw that you aren't working right now, and I find that working helps keep my life on track - gives it some structure. My family doc offered to put me on "mental health holiday" (ie disability) some time ago, but I refused - absolutely horrified by the idea, and my psychiatrist agreed that it was better for me to work. I have colleagues who know my situation, and whom I've asked to let me know if they feel I'm not functioning well. Thanks! - It's good to see others in the similar situations - I'm 42, and my children are 6, 8 and 10...in addition, I have 5 horses, 3 dogs (one a recent arrival - my "manic" dog, 2 cats, and 2 guinea pigs!
SB |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/06/2005 : 08:52:55
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Hi Storm
I realized after I wrote the posting that I didn't phrase the working stuff right - a bit insensitive, actually - sorry about that - shooting off at the mouth so to speak, without thinking. I hadn't meant it to come out that way, just that as long as I can still function it is a good way to give structure to my life - but there have been times when I've had to cut back, and seriously consider mental health holiday. You are right - there are many reasons to be off work, and your's is certainly a good reason! I am also very lucky to have a good job with very little "crap" to put up with, and the flexibility to cut back sometimes. You sound like you have truly had a rough few months. I can only imagine what must have driven you to finally OD, as I have come close, but always manged to pull myself back, mostly because of the children. I know that you have a son too, same age as my oldest, and know that it must have been terrible to bring you to that point. You are lucky to have survived, and have been given a second chance. And your reply to my first posting about my concerns about losing my children was a big help. Thanks, Storm, and hang in there. You sound like you have the strength and drive to get back on your feet again, although is is with many small steps. Social assistance is a terrible degrading thing, but at times (like now) a necessary thing - and you know that it is just a temporary stop along the way.
Cheers,
SB |
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| aquamarine
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1238 Posts
Gratitude: 300
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Posted - 08/06/2005 : 10:56:14
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Hi SB,
"Social Assistance is a terribly degrading thing"? Many of us need that assistance to survive. I see no reason why we should feel "degraded" by accepting help when we need it. You said yourself this is an illness...many people have other chronic illneses for which they are on social assistance or disability (cancer, MS,heart conditions, etc.) Does the cancer patient feel degraded because she needs financial assistance? I doubt it.
If I could work I would. I worked for 20 years through several depressive episode. Each episode became increasingly worse and lasted longer. I tried numerous outpatient depression programs, paid for a personal therapist once a week for 2 years, saw numerous other therapists through my work's benefits plan all to no avail.
During this latest episode (by far the most severe depression I have ever had)I tried for 2 years to continue working through this depressive episode while working with my pdoc in therapy and to find a med/s that would help.
My frantic efforts to continue to work in an extremely stressful work environment, coupled with intense suicidal ideation and an inability to find a medication/s that would help me caused me to come extremely close to killing myself.
My diaries from the months preceding my actually managing to leave work are filled with detailed plans on exactly how I was going to commit suicide, when I was going to do kill myself, and notes to my family explaining why I could no longer go on. I had tried everything I could think of to force myself to leave work.
Because I associated who I was with my work, and because I did not want to let my co-workers down I could not manage to leave even when my pdoc insisted I needed to in order to save myself. The only way I felt I could leave work was by killing myself.
I hear so many people say working adds structure, and keeps them going...but for some our work is/was the weight that threatened to drown us when we could barely manage to stay afloat.
...Aqua |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/06/2005 : 12:04:33
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Hi Aqua
Yikes! I'm really being a bull in a china shop here with the wording I've used. As I replied to Storm (after faux pas number one), I realize that there are times that one needs to be off work. And yes, social assistance is often a part of that, and a very necessary part. It is not the social assistance itself that is degrading, but the process is often (not always) a degrading one. I have no personal experience of that, so I could be wrong, but I have heard many tales of people having to jump through all sorts of hoops to finally prove that they qualify for social assistance, and being made to feel that they somehow should just pull up their socks and work - especially in cases of psychiatric illness, although there is slowly change. Perhaps the social assistance program where you live is more humane than where I do? I have heard similar tales of people trying to access the disability program that I pay into, another reason that I was reluctant to take time off. And as I also mentioned, I a fortunate to have a job that is flexible (ie self employed - no work no pay no hassle), and that I can control the stress in to some degree. So in answer to your (rhetorical) question, no, of course nobody should feel degraded by needing to accept social assistance.
I also wanted to ask you, Aqua, if you find that you are better now that you are not working? (I assume that the answer is yes). I don't have nearly as much experience as you do - it has only been 5 years that I have had major depressive episodes, but have been lucky to have found medications that work - for now. As you said also, a huge part of my identity is linked to my career, and I was afraid of letting go of this by stopping work, and that it would somehow set me adrift.
Thanks.
SB
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| aquamarine
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1238 Posts
Gratitude: 300
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Posted - 08/06/2005 : 14:30:07
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HI SB,
Thanks for the response...I feel guilty for needing help so I think maybe I was being defensive in my last note. To answer your question,"if you find that you are better now that you are not working?" When I first left I became even worse because I saw leaving as this intense failure of all I had worked to achieve. I stayed worse for a long time because I felt so lost without my work, and anxious that everyone thought I was a bad person and had failed.
I also had pressure from my insurance company (and from myself)to return to work and I constantly felt reaked me out that I would be forced back before I felt well. I have HUGE problems with authority figures (my dad was a policeman and VERY authoritarian...scared me to death...so I learned at a very young age to do what was expected or else...and when no one else expects me to do something I take of the role of the guilt inducer).
I also have tried so many medications and nothing worked...so I really did start to become more hopeless (because before I could "blame" my depression on work...now it was clear it was much more than a situational depression...that I really was ill...still hard for me to say ...
It is 2.5 years later and I still have huge regrets about leaving work. Finally, in the last 2-3 months these are lessening and I am beginning to see that my essential self was not my job, and especilaly not that job. I am finally seperating my identity form work...which for a workacholic is a huge step.
Truthfully, I would be dead right now if I had stayed at work, so I suppose the outcome has been better than it would have been. No I am not well...I am no where near being well yet...but I sense I am finally on the road towards recovery. It is just one of those long winding, twisted, uphill roads.
...Aqua |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/06/2005 : 15:10:05
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Hi Aqua
Thanks for the reply. You seem to have so much experience, and that is one reason that this forum is helpful for me. I always thought thought that one good thing about this illness is that it has taught me more empathy (although I'm not sure about that, given my comments about work and disability!). Your communications have reminded me that where we are today is just that - today - and that life is always in flux - one never knows what tomorrow will bring. I am glad that my medications are working - for now. And you have reminded me that even when they aren't working and/or things are not going well, things still continue to change and one continues on ahead.
Your feelings of failure after leaving your job are not unknown to me. I left a specialty training program 10 years ago, after the birth of my first child - and post partum depression. Even though I know it was the right decision, that sense of failure took a long time to go away - years - even now, I am still occasionally haunted by it. I admire your strength for what was clearly the right decision to leave your job. If I ever find myself in that situation, I will think of you and try to remember that it is not the end of the world. I hope that your situation continues to improve and that you will find a medication that works for you - and, when you are ready, that you will find the right job. And, you should not feel guilty for needing help, but I should proof read what I write! |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/07/2005 : 05:01:08
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Hi Storm
Yes, that was quite the exchange - I was amazed that after only a few days here, I could so firmly plant both of my feet in my mouth, so to speak. I was ready to crawl under a rock and not come back out! I'll try to keep my feet out of my mouth...but I know somebody will let me know if I manage it again! I was feeling like a child again - I always got into trouble for saying the first thing that popped into my mind, but the written word is even worse.
Your words of wisdom are well taken. A long time ago, somebody told me a similar thing, although rather more blunt - "there's no such thing as could have or should have, you either did or didn't". I guess that means that when your make a decision you need to accept it, and know that regrets and excuses don't help.
One of my other faults is that when upset, I tend to jump to an extreme. When my ex passed on to me that he wanted our children to live half time in the city with him and go to the school in his area, and leave me trying to get the children in to their city school on the weeks they were with me, I panicked. My immediate thought was that he was taking the children, and my reason for living away...I spent several days resurrecting and refining my old suicide plans - that was also when I first visited this forum. I also rather rashly told our mediator that without the children, I "might as well jump off a bridge" - which she took quite seriously (see, I still am able to verbally put my foot into my mouth too!). I had to then reassure my psychologist and psychiatrist that that had not been serious (after all, there are no good bridges around here - I have much better plans than that) as I suspected that she might call them. My psychologist (and time to cool off) eventually settled me down, reminding me (of the obvious) that just because my ex says something, it doesn't mean that it will happen, and, even if the worst were to happen, that the children were still just as much mine. So I'm feeling a bit sheepish about the whole episode, and now need to wait for an arbitrator to make a decision for us on the chidren's school and living situation. I'm sure that your son is still just as much your son now, even though the living arrangement has changed temporarily. So my homework is to think before I speak, think before I panic, and proof read my writing better!
Thanks everyone!
SB |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 08/07/2005 : 08:36:39
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Hi Storm
Thanks! Yes, we do sound similar in many ways! You must be so stressed with the court date tomorrow - I will think of you - I hope things go well. What is it with all these terms - joint custody, sole custody, shared custody, primary custody, physical custody...no wonder that I can't keep things straight! I can completely understand your reaction to the custody situation, though - motherhood is such a powerful thing, probably deeply rooted in our brain funcion in the more primitive regions. I get such strong "mother bear" impulses when anything threatens my children, and my custody situation. I'm sure that your son must keep you going many times, and that in the end it will work out. As an aside, have you ever told him about your illness? My children have been with their father for the last week, and come home today...but the fall is still completely up in the air, and a stressor.
I hope the Lamictal continues to work for you. You are sounding a bit low (comletely understandable, I know) - are you still on the Effexor too? Or any plans to change it, as I know you've said that it didn't work? I know that the lithium has made me feel more stable - kind of like both legs on solid ground, not that awful teetering feeling I'd often have (and of course that wee bout of mild mania a few months back!). I used to drink a lot of coffee too - last year, I was sleeping only 1-2 hours a night, at first really hyper but then exhausted. I was up to 10 cups of coffee a day to try to function. A few months ago I got a lecture from my psychiatrist about that - he told me that caffeine is a powerful psychoactive drug, and contributed to mood instability. He told me that I was addicted and couldn't quit - so I promptly quit to prove him wrong (probably what he was trying to do anyway). I gradually substituted decaf for real coffee in my machine, so I drank 10 cups of decaf in the end - now I'm switching to other drinks. I didn't have much problems going off, and it has helped - I notice a smoothing out of my energy level in the day - no more boost from caffeine followed by a slump. I know that recovering from the OD and stabilizing your medications will take a while, but maybe lowering caffeine intake would help? (Just a thought, don't want to be seen as telling anyone what to do or giving unsolicited advice...and yes, decaf is full of chemicals too, so I'm sure there's somebody out there who could reply that decaf is worse that fully caffeinated!) And it's interesting that you noted that music affects your moods - I have found that too - while manic, I found that at times music was almost painful, so strong were the emotions that it could evoke.
And, about the jumping to extremes...it was one of those that landed me "officially" diagnosed anyway! I saw my psychiatrist while pretty wound up - definitely hypomanic, verging of manic...I made a conscious effort to settle down for him (after all, I'd practiced hiding this for years), but didn't fool him...I seem to remember rambling on at high speed about every topic under the sun, thinking I was being so witty...when he could get a word in edgewise, it was asking about previous episodes, triggers, family history - all the manic depressive questions...I didn't recognize that until some time after I got home - my thinking was so confused, going in a million directions at once. He did ask if I was able to function like this, and was I really sure that I could function like this - I kept answering yes, although in reality it was barely - that question evoked the "whatever you do, leave your clothes on" defense in me - you see, I'd seen a young woman brought to hospital floridly manic, after taking all of her clothes off and running naked through the streets - that stuck with me so that I always remember that - and if you do that, they will take you to hospital and lock you up! (That may sound a bit flippant, but please, it's not meant that way - I know this is a serious illness). I was horribly afraid that he would "lock me up", and panicked when I got home. I fired an e-mail off to him...that I promptly regretted, but, darn it, you can't get those things back...if he had any doubts about my being manic depressive, I think that e-mail clinched it. We laugh about that now, especially as I'm feeling better, and I haven't sent him any more e-mails!
Cheers!
SB |
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| xek
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2502 Posts |
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