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Childhood Depression

I had childhood depression...

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JodyWoo
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

5784 Posts
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Posted - 04/10/2007 : 10:35:41

It started when I was younger than ten...

It had a lot to do with my parents. They didn't pay much attention to me, and they separated when I was four... they divorced four days before I turned 6. After that, my dad wasn't really there, and when he was, he was absorbed in video games and the computer. He wasn't really there for me at all, and my mom was too busy with the four other kids to deal with me... especially since I was the good kid who kept to herself and didn't cause any problems. I locked myself in my room, got lost in my books, and sank deeper into my depression.

My mom told me a about a year or a year and a half ago that she had depression when she was a kid, but she was treated for it and it went away. She saw the signs in me, but was in denial about it, and didn't do anything about it.

It ended up getting really bad about a year ago... it's been bad for a long time, but it was so bad that I missed school because I couldn't stand crying uncontrollably in front of other people... I ended up starting medication because I became physically ill because I was too depressed... a week later, I was in an institution.

I chose to go to a new school, spend more time with my dad and his fiance and her kids... and just try to live life. It unfortunately got worse. Gradually I started having panic attacks, and recently, I found out I have an anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder... I have borderline personality disorder too, which I think had a lot to do with my childhood.

To look back on how I was several years ago, and then look at where I am now... I can see how things have changed. I can see that years ago, I had bpd and it made things really hard for me. I couldn't be alone, I became sexually active, or at least interested, at a young age. A lot of bpd things... were really in my personality. That's something I can't get through my head. I have a personality disorder. Not just a mental illness, but a personality disorder that is so much a part of me, that it is me... I never thought that the way I think and act could be because of something like that. It's hard for me to look back and think about it. I struggle with it more and more each day, but I'm still trying and I haven't given up.

I was suicidal for a long time. I was a scratcher and then a cutter for a long time. I have scars on my thighs that will probably take years to go away. I've had more relationship problems in the three and a half years I've been dating than I can count on my fingers. I've dated only nine guys. Yet... between them, I've dated over 35 times. I've had intercourse twice with one, many times with another, and once with someone I never dated. I've done sexual things with a few of the other ones... and it's hard for me to think that I've done all that and I'm only 16 years old. I hate that.

All of it started with Childhood Depression.

Jody

Well excuse me while I get killed softly, heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay, at least 'til yesterday, you know you got me off my highest guard, believe me when I say it's hard. We'll get through this tonight. I need to survive tonight, tonight.

yogx
Full Member (100+ posts)

123 Posts
Gratitude: 40

Posted - 05/22/2007 : 09:31:29

I have very vivid memories of sitting at the top of the stairs at our townhouse when I was 9/10 crying because the room was spinning and everything was happening really fast in my head but I was moving in slow motion. (sitting on the step?) I was told to stop crying and get ready for school from a sibling. I would sit in class as if I was not really there, never spoke to anyone and just wanted to be left alone (I was left alone, no one cared). 2nd grade

That is just one day...

I am 41 now, recently dumped by someone I really cared for for another woman and its eating my guts out. They live together and are very happy. I prefer to be alone...

parzival
Starting Member

6 Posts
Gratitude: 1

Posted - 11/29/2007 : 16:54:42

I did as well, however, my parents were probably as good or bad as any normal parents, if not a bit forceful, far to easily angered and excited with extremely high expectations of me.

I vividly remember telling my mother about what I called 'the feeling' at age 4, which was just an overall feeling of impending doom and anxiety.

My mother recently mentioned to me that a few people had noticed signs of depression in me, but my mother didn't believe in childhood depression and refused to look into it or help it out in any way beyond just listening to my fears from time to time.

I still have that feeling today, and it's existence dictates whether I can function in the world on a given day or not. I have a lot of relationship problems and a hard time keeping friends or significant others since I'm so volitile.

I've been doing a lot of work with myself, and also take some medication, and have seen a good deal of improvement, but I'm still nowhere near where I want to be to be able to function half way decently in this world

I wonder if I had started to work with it as a child (not necessarily through medication at all though), if I would have an easier time dealing with it now.

it's frustrating.

FinkPloyd
Starting Member

24 Posts
Gratitude: 5

Posted - 12/19/2007 : 02:19:08

I was paranoid when I was a kid. We lived in malaysia back then, and we were a few of the only white people and wealthy people there. I kept getting evil looks from all the poverty stricken people, and wtih the amount of crime there, its no wonder I have so many suppressed memories. Then we moved back to new zealand, where I didnt quite fit in, I was at that point rather vulnerable because my dad was still overseas, and my mum doesnt cope with stress very well at all. Constantly yelling, slapping, hairpulling me and my little sister, I got so scared of her I just zoned out, and dreamt about killing her. The other kids at school can smell fear, they know when youre weak, and so they bullied me every day of every year until high school. Ever since, Ive been stuck inside my own mind, like I pretend that Im not me, and im not really in control. I think I am genuinely insane, cause I see colours relating to sound like synaesthesia, and hear stuff when im trying to get to sleep, like voices outside my window.
Ive been to psychiatrists before, but they first said I have an anger problem, then they said I have a trust problem, followed by a 'youre perfectly fine'...

Your lucky Jody that youve had boyfriends, you obviously have some good qualities worth their while.

Me? I get paranoid everytime I leave my house, theres no hope for me..

I know nowadays, if you have emotions youre classifed as an emo, but given the circumstances I think youve had the right to feel how youve felt, but you gotta put that behind you. Its like a an emotional scab, and if you keep picking it, its never gonna heal, so atleast try as hard as you can to stop thinking about it

Guitars are the best interface to the soul.

flutter
Starting Member

35 Posts
Gratitude: 13

Posted - 04/08/2008 : 18:47:35

It makes me sad to read that you had to go through all that and I'm sure more, Jody. I am 17 and I was also depressed as a child (I am now even more so). My parents aren't divorced but they might as well be. One sleeps upstairs the other downstairs. They stay together for my special needs sister. I was sometimes neglected as a child seeing as I am the normal sibling and my sister needs so much more care.

I came up with this habit of complaining of every injury I ever got.. even if it was a paper cut. I would cry and complain to try to get attention. Eventually they stopped caring and would tell me it wasn't a big deal (the whole cry wolf thing). I still do it sometimes without thinking.

During the year of my sister's Kidney Transplant I cut a few times.. only three i think.. it was weird, like I was in a trance or something. I don't even know why i did it. I guess I was just angry.

I'm not sure why i shared that little bit of my life with you, but I think it's because even though our situations are very different, and yours is more severe than mine, it's nice to know that someone else out there has understood what it's like to have a hard time growing up.. to feel unwanted and alone.

It gives me comfort to know there are people who can understand each other on this site.

17 year old no longer high school student..university bound
from Canada eh?

erbiumfiber
Starting Member

26 Posts
Gratitude: 18

Posted - 04/09/2008 : 23:35:14

I was concerned about childhood depression in my daughter since her father and I have both been depressed (his is undiagnosed and he is in denial, but has been out of her life for most of her childhood and altogether for the last 7 years- his choice). I was very concerned when she was in 4th-6th grade and sent her for counselling. She just spent a lot of time by herself, reading, and had trouble with being picked on at school. So I moved to a better school district, hoping things would get better for her- but they didn't. Her elementary school ended in 6th grade and I sent her to a private, all-girls' Catholic school. She was very happy there for two years and then we moved to Japan. She didn't really make many friends at her school in Japan so for her last two years of high school I let her go to a boarding school for the arts. There she really blossomed and made many friends. She seems to be doing OK now in her first year of college but I am always checking. My first really major bout with depression came during my third year of college although I had periods of melancholy all throughout my childhood.

I don't want my daughter to go through the hell that I've been through.

For you teenagers now who are suffering, life does get better! A change in situation like finally getting out of high school and going to college or getting a job can work wonders! Sometimes just getting some space between you and your family is all that it takes. I highly recommend moving out of your parents' home as soon as you can afford it, even if it means taking loans for colleges. Even when parents mean well, they can sometimes make things worse. I had a great relationship with my daughter but she was really ready at age 16 to go out on her own to boarding school and was truly happy there (it was a pretty fantastic school).

And having a needy sibling can really mess up family dynamics. I babysat long-term for a family that had a child with a severe heart condition (ended up dying in his early 20's) and his siblings definitely suffered because of it. His parents really tried but it was very exhausting with 4 kids and one so ill. The younger brother in the family really had a lot of anger. It's no one's fault but it doesn't make your life any easier.

Do try to forgive your parents for the mistakes they've made. My family was pretty dysfunctional but I do realize that my parents were doing the best that they knew how to do. My older brother made my life a living hell and my parents tried to prevent it but, yeah, I wouldn't want to re-live my childhood.

sohelpme
Starting Member

1 Posts

Posted - 03/25/2010 : 12:49:43

Sometimes I can't even remember my childhood
It's a scary thought,
I probably started remembering things at about age 10.
I think it's because the rape blocked it out or something.
But that only makes me more afraid.

I grew up in a large family, middle child, seven children.
Always seeking attention,
probably led to the borderline personality disorder thing? hmm...
But anyways my babysitter's boyfriend raped me when I was 6.
I have never really gotten over that.
and my friends (HA! FRIENDS?!?) don't even know.

I think I started becoming depressed at around age 9 or 10
I was constantly picked on in school.
I was a weird kid and preferred being left alone.

I can remember not wanting to get out of bed one week
and starting to cut myself,
and then the next getting up at 4 am to make my family pancakes for breakfast
I would fake illness and stay home all the time just because I could
and I would never hang out with people.

This is so weird to reflect on,
maybe I did have depression as a child?
Mental illness runs in my family so I can't be certain about anything.