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MistressMisery
Starting Member
13 Posts |
 Posted - 07/16/2005 : 17:24:25
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I have had anorexia since i was 12 and i am now 23. I am about 103 pounds now and i am 5'9. I should be about 135 min for my height. I no longer am afraid of getting fat, or am i? because i do not think of my fear and loathing for being fat, i think about how much i detest eating. I also don't eat if i am upset or stressed out, so i know it's a control issue. I am such a picky eater and always have been. The texture of food is repulsive to me most of the time. I hate how much of the time i avoid meals. I hate that i am not afraid of getting fat but yet i can't bring my self to fully recover. I love being skinny, but i want to have kids. I want nothing more than to be healthy. I do not regiment, i starve, or eat i am not bulimic, i do not moniter calories, i like the feeling of hunger.
Interestingly, and this is noteworthy. I have never been a cutter, but i have always enjoyed physical pain as a method of release from emotional pain, i used to pull out my eyelashes, and occasionally still do hit my self in the knees until i bruise terribly. BUT never cut.
I love things like S n M But the point is, i love hunger, it feel so terribly good, it is a pain that reminds me that i hold the reigns, it's my choice to eat, one of the few choices i have left that is mine alone to make. I dont'cut but i starve, can anyone else relate?  |
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| Piglet
New Member
59 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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Posted - 08/16/2005 : 17:24:36
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I was anorhexic and a compulsive exercisor and by definition a bulemic because I used laxatives and diuretcs, from the age of 12ish to 28ish. It was hell but I didnt know it until I was about 24ish. I realized it was a control issue and no one could tell me what to do. When people called me skinny I thought of it as a compliment. I would hide food on my plate and refuse to eat yada yada yada all the classic symptoms. The only thing that helped me was a freind who told me about OA ( overeaters anonymous but they have a program for UNDER eaters). I started to go and didnt beleive in all that crap at first, but watcing women fade away and knowing that was the road I was on helped. Then I sought out professional help and found out I was Bi-polar. THey started me on SSRI's and now I cant refuse to eat. When I am hungry, if I dont eat I get woozy and blood sugar drops fast. I cant even imagine starving myself anymore and just a few years ago I was so manic I was AFFRAID to eat. Food scared me.
All I know is the cycle will not stop until you are ready for it too. I loved being skinny but I didnt love who I was. When you engulf yourself in what you will and wont eat all day long you are ignoring those you love and spending soooooo much time engrossed in yourself in a BAD way too.
Now I have gained too much weight in my opinion, and I fight with it in my head, just not physically anymore. Who knows, if I even have a manic episode again I may fade that way......I hope not because for me that was a living hell!
Again, all I can say is when your ready to stop you will. I have huge control issues being I had a terrble upbringing and had absolutely none ( another long story), plus a mother who I suspect is BP and I know she is anorhexic.
Anyhow thoughts and prayers to you that you can find the light. Feel free to email me anytime,but I hope you seek treatment soon before its too late.
If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans!
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| Circe (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
252 Posts
Gratitude: 51
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Posted - 04/17/2007 : 10:01:31
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Hi guys
I llove your quote piglet! I am recovering from anorexia. I think Im a masochist but hate s and m. UCk I really hate pain but seem to need to suffer. I like being hungry and skinny. When I gained weight on depakote I got so depressed. I was eating in my sleep even! That was weird! I was on Zyprexa too! YIKES! Im off all that crud and on good stuff now. Now I feel like being anorexic, like it would be fun but I know i just want to distract myself. I have to fight hard to resist the impulses to throw up, and over exercise, weigh myself all day long, all that compulsive behavior. I really hope I can resist those urges. I hope to find some more people here who share my struggles, still figureing this place out.
bye bye
Circe |
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| RayJr
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1056 Posts
Gratitude: 62
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Posted - 04/24/2008 : 08:09:48
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I have taken up this as said instead of cutting I have cut my eating down to approx. once every 24 hours sometimes more I hadn't had a full meal until last night which caused stomach cramps.
I have come, to bring him back with me
The whole world mourns his death!
Please set Jr free
Give him back his breath!
If it's true, what you say to me
That the whole world mourns his death.
If the whole world will weep I'll give him back his breath! |
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 07/17/2008 : 18:09:56
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Hi - I'm wondering about anorexia associated with mania...I'm drifting down from 3 weeks of glorious mania. The bizarre thing that happenned is that right from the beginning of this bout I just became revulsed by food. I simply almost stopped eating. I've now had my lithium almost doubled, and seroquel added on for good measure. So although I'm sleeping a bit more, I simply can't bring myself to eat - down 15 pounds right now and still going. I've never been truly anorexic, but as a former endurance athlete am no stranger to disordered eating and borderline body weight. When I was first diagnosed as bipolar 2 years ago, I had had an agitated depression (or perhaps that was a mixed state of some sort), and also had no interest in food, reaching 95 pounds. It's interesting of you speaking of cutting etc. I don't cut, but find that when manic or depressed have absolutely no sense of physicial pain, and do welcome the occasional sensation of hunger as a sign of being alive. I remember going for a run, and purposefully trying to run as hard as possible (red lining, for those other endurance junkies)...I was trying to feel pain, but found that although my legs slowed with the lactic acid, I had no sensation of pain...Is any of this faimiliar to any of you? Thanks. |
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starving instead of cutting
All I've had today was one slice of toast and I'm missing dinner. I continually feel the need to lose Just a little more.
