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crimson4154
Starting Member
1 Posts |
 Posted - 10/29/2006 : 08:00:29
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Hi everyone,
I met a man 2 1/2 years ago, and knew full and well he had a daughter, now 8 yrs. We are "late" in life and got married and had a child pretty quickly, the baby is now 3 months. Now if it wasn't for the new baby... I'm pretty sure we'd consider splitting up at this point, due to the step family situation.
First, let me clarify. We only have his daughter every 2 weekends, and then it is always a struggle of what to do. In the beginning he relied on me much to keep his daugher happy, since her respect for her dad was minimal. He let her get away with "I hate you" etc... all the guilt kept riding him and he didn't see or hear her behaviours at all. Over time I've grown to considerably dislike the girl. She raised by her single mom, who is a workaholic, and her single grandmother, who all have close co-dependent relationships. All they push is academic advances, and the girl still does not know how to bike. Everything has to be taught thru private lessons, with private one on one sessions. A major issue in my way of looking at upbringing of a child. I should also mention that the girl has no social skills whatsoever, can not talk to any strangers, etc. This combined with her utter lack of appreciation and excitement over anything her dad suggests to do. He has yet been unable to take her on a vaccation (last time we did an attemt we drove to Disney Land for 2 nights - only for her to be in a bad mood the entire time)
When the girl comes over, it is a very stressful time for all of us. Over time it has become a huge source for anxiety, and we argue every week leading up to her visits, and during her visit here. I have a hard time being around the two, and watching him act like he is doing everything in his power to please her, instead of normal rules and diciplining. She pretty much rules him when she is here. I don't share this guilt with him and gets very frustrated, and have very little tolerance for her behavior. Last week I stoped counting after he had told her to put her shoes on over TEN times... and she still didn't do it. One of my big pet peeves has been that she has on several occasions tried to hit my dogs and I no longer trust her alone with them.
My husband has a strained relationship with his exwife too, and I sense a lot of fear in him when dealing with her. She basically has him by his balls, still, and it is very discomforting to me.
This has gradually gotten worse over the time we've been together. Basically I became the evil step mom since I had no tolerance for her acts at our house, and my husband kept trying his best to please her every way he could. He feels guilty for leaving when she was 2, and now it is appearant in evey interaction he has with her. And to make matters worse, I sense that now that we have a new baby, he feels even more guilty for not focusion ONLY on his firstborn. I know my DH must be so terribly disapointed in my for not feeling the same way he does about his daughter, but she is so hard to like (for me) and at this point I feel sad my baby has a sister like her. It is the complete lack of respect and helplessness that really gets me.
This is a huge issue, and I have a hard time believing we'd still be together if it was not for the fact that we now have another daughter in the picture. I get anxious days before the stepdaughter is arriving, and tries to think of things to do so I can avoid being here all together. I have gone so far as to plan to take into a hotel every time he has his daughter to eliminate the issue of these weekends. Am I so terrible for doing so? The alternatives are looking bleaker by the month going by. We fight more and more every time she's due to come, and my thoughts are getting darker and darker. What do I do??? I know I should be the adult here, but I feel like my biggest mistake was getting married and pregnant too soon. I can't undo that right now, so how do I handle the situation like it is now? I don't wish for my baby to grow up with split households, but at the same time I feel selfishly that it would be the best solution.
Any words of advice would sooo truley be appreciated.  |
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| donnaanne70
Starting Member
1 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 02/16/2009 : 12:28:45
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| When I read this, I felt like I wrote it!! I have two stepdaughters, 14 & 11 and the oldest is the worst at times and the 11 yr old is getting worse. But we fight ALOT over them in the last 4 1/2 years. To the point i want to leave. We have 3 yr old twins together and I can guarantee that is the main reason why I havent. He sides with his previous children or gives in all of the time, therefore they lack respect constantly for both of us. I dont know what to do but cannot deal withthis another 7 years. |
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| loggedin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3838 Posts
Gratitude: 324
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Posted - 02/07/2010 : 05:48:02
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You say that your husband is afraid of his ex, and his 8-year-old girl "has him by the balls". Yet you married him.
WHY? Is he too handsome to resist? Is he rich? Did you get preganant unexpectadly? Are you attracted to men that you can dominate?
Either get him and yourself to couseling together so the two of you can possilbly have a good relationship, or walk and take your daughter with you - before she's old enough to hate either you or her dad for the abandonment. And if you do leave, don't trash-talk her father; you model anger and you get angry children.
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Considering divorce due to stepchild
