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 Coping With Anger
 How do we cope with subconscience fear?

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parrotputz
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Posted - 03/12/2013 :  18:42:10  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Please don't read if your not well, or sensitive.

I posted under the anger section..because there
isn't a section for fear. Maybe it's classified
as anxiety...I'm not sure.

I finished the driveway today and pleased about
it.
However..an awful fear crept up into the pit
of my stomach and wouldn't leave.
It's awful..and I have to keep catching my
breath.
It wouldn't go away, despite deep breathing.
I'm thinking..what is it, what's going
on?

I pass a cemetary every day..without a
thought. But about an hour ago..I determined, I'm
going to figure out whats wrong.

The way I know myself..I have to always start
with the date..and I thought..and thought,,and
then I finally realized...it's March.
Could it possibly be on this day?

I pulled it up on the net..and low and behold, there
it was..todays date on the headstone.
I'm rattled, yet, does this mean I'm facing facing
whats buried beneath? I hope so.

The monster died on this day. He dropped
into our lives like an atomic bomb, and did
permanent damage to all of us.
My grandmother had to shoot him to save
my mom.

So if a person ever aks why I'm so opposed
to guns, and scared half to death of them. I
have valid reasons that are based in
reality..from my experience in life.

How could my brain remember this date from
so long ago?
The only thing I can think..is that today, my
subconscience was ready to face it.

Maybe now..I can let it go.
Now that I realize it..the fear is losing
it's grip on me.
Us human beings..we are a complicated lot.
I know it for sure..from first hand experiences..like today.

What else is lurking down there, in my subconscience?
I posted a pic. of the stone..which was on
the net..because it almost seems unbelievable
to me.

Sometimes I'm too hard on myself. But when I
think about what happened from the time I
was 7-12, I'm amazed that I'm even sane.
I can only thank those who love me for that.

Addendum: I wouldn't dare post this in the
more read forums..but have come to believe..that
if it's real..and pertinant..it needs to
be stated.
I believe that if a person is afraid all the
time or has severe anxiety..there is a very
real cause for it..even though
a person may not understand
what the cause is.
A pdoc can ask..and ask their questions..but what
good are they..if we can't remember?
It'll only come to me..when I'm ready.

At my age..47, I'm not afraid anymore of what
my subconscience reveals to me. I'm more
afraid of whats hidden.
It's those things that I want to know so that I
can finally let them go.

What a strange thing. But, tommorow is a new
day. I'm looking forward to putting my
head on the pillow and forgetting about
all of this.

I feel a bit of regret for posting this.
At the same time..I feel strongly, that if
I sanitize my feelings and experiences, as
I have for so long, how can I ever expect
them to change? I'm at this point in my life.
It's right for me.

Life can sometimes be ugly..and I've learned
from experience, that hiding it only
creates wounds.
It's bad enough that a person goes through it.
But it's worse to hold it in.
I believe that THIS..creates the deepest wounds
of all.






The true person lies beneath the skin.
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parrotputz
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Posted - 03/12/2013 :  19:59:06  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
You know what..I am angry. I'm angry at
what happened to me so long ago..but more than
that, I'm angry at what it's done to me
in my adult life.

I'm angry that even now..my family and friends, want
to lead conversations away from my reality.
I'm sorry, but if I was a man, I don't
believe this would happen..I resent that.

My brothers have always been free to express
their anger..and it was acceptable, even when
it was violent.
But us girls..well, lets keep it polite, and nice,
and sanitary.

I don't believe that outbursts help.
But I do believe they are a way of saying "listen
to what I'm saying, because you keep
leading me away from my own truth".
I see it happen to my sister..and my mom, all
the time.

Yes..I'm angry. I don't want the creeps of
so long ago, to keep ahold of me because
they control my feelings..they keep
me stuck in a fearful and angry state.
This can only happen when THEY aren't
exposed for what they where. I can only
do this..by telling my own truth.
And I'm even angry at myself for not having
the insight to understand this years
before.

I haven't faced things well, like many people
do.
I'm not one of those people that pour
my guts in a pdoc session.
How can I, when all I've heard all my life
is "Your the strong one"?

Strong one..hmmm, I think this means.."stay
quiet about your feelings..and listen to
me..because I'm more important".
It may not be true..but that's how I've
always felt.
It makes it even worse to know..that of all
us kids..my mental illness is the most
severe. How can you call me strong?
How can people not see whats right
in front of them?

My beliefs about how to approach things
have changed.
Us women..we are a very, very sensitive bunch.
If you want to know the truth..then listen, and
give us time to work it through.

You know..when a person goes so many
years after having learned a pattern
of ignoring, and pretending that bad things
didn't happen..then really, they don't
know how else to approach things..that's
the only thing they know, is deny and
bury..and keep it sanitary..for your sake.
God forbid I make you uncomfortable, if
even for a day.
How sad is this?

Me..with monsters lurking in the closets, the
only thing I've ever known to do all
my life is run.

I don't want to run anymore. I don't want
to shut people out..because really, I'm
so afraid their going to hurt me really bad
like the monsters did.
It's really simple..I'm not a child, and
have no choice but to face my life
as I know it to be true..past and present.
This is what I've learned and need to
do..to learn how to be me..finally..all
the good and bad, pretty and ugly.


The true person lies beneath the skin.
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)

1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/12/2013 :  21:53:50  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Talked to W tonight..told him about today.
We haven't had "this" kind of discussion for
ages.

I don't know how..but it led to me telling
him..that I get so upset when he stomps
around in the morning..waking me up.
He has no clue how a lack of sleep
effects me.

Maybe that's why today was so hard..like a
tidal wave crashing in when my defenses
where down.
The sounds..I get so sick of being so sensitive
of sounds.
Things rattling around in my head..that's what
happens when he wakes me up early..and I
don't get enough sleep.

If I could go back to sleep..I would.
I know the day is going to be a war between
me and my brain...it's not fair.

He told me tonight..he'd like to get me
out of here.
OK..then honey..whatever you can do..within
reason, then do it.
I'm so tired..and the past pushes in on me
to easily when I'm tired and vulnerable.

People don't realize how much people with
mental illness NEED their sleep.




The true person lies beneath the skin.
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)

1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/13/2013 :  00:50:33  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Something else that is interesting.
When I was 17, my mom was drunk.
It was a typical night..and as usual, I
was listening to her tell me a whole lot
of things that where weird, didn't make
sense..or, I didn't want to hear.

Anyway, she tells me she had an affair with
my uncle when she was a month preganant with
me.
What does THAT mean..and why would you
tell me this?

Anyway..people tell me I don't look like
my mother or father.
Isn't that strange?

My uncle..I visited him a few times..and he's
really intelligent...likes folk
music....and is fiercly independant.
His kids would never see me once..in the whole
time I lived there for 5 years.

Hmmmm.

You never know..do you.
Wonder why I'm so differnt from my family..look
different...art..
Yup..always been..and always will be
the strange one.

But you know what..I don't care.
I love them.
They need my love...and I need theirs.
We need each other.

But you know..i,d be intersting to get an
DNA test done.
The only problem is..that my moms still living, and
my uncle is still living.
My mome..she's been through enough.
She's made her mistakes.
But after making my own...it only makes
me love her more.

The true person lies beneath the skin.
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)

1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
Very caringVery wiseVery honest

Posted - 03/13/2013 :  01:27:18  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
The only thing I see in the mirror each morning
is me.
I question myself..why are you sabotaging yourself?
Different..that's why.
I've never fit in...somehow..not even with
my own family. There's something amiss.

Is it the mental illness..is it something
different?
Does it even matter anymore. Clinging...sticking, suffocating.

I think it's time to move on.
My art..I've had an intuitive sense..that I can move
on through my art.
I think that's what I can do.

I can't continue to be afraid of who, and what
I am.

I need to face myself. I can't run and hide
any longer..I'm just too tired.
At some point..I need to give into the fact, that
intelligence the person does not make.
Love does.
That's all I know..and that's all I really
care about.

Why am I as I am? I'll never know.
But in asking that question, I'm really asking..HOW
can I learn to give more..and stop being
afraid?
Maybe..these questions will land me in
the hospital..because their much more complex
when they roll around in my head.

But I don't feel that they can ever be more
complex, or more simple..than loving..forgiving, and
tenderness.
Yes..I pray to God..to please help me become
better than what I am.

The end of my tears for now...enough, I simply
can't cry anymore. Lately..it's been
kind of rough.

The true person lies beneath the skin.
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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

112498 Posts

Posted - 03/01/2021 :  19:16:35  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

112498 Posts

Posted - 05/29/2021 :  01:15:12  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

112498 Posts

Posted - 10/07/2021 :  15:44:15  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

112498 Posts

Posted - 12/01/2021 :  20:36:22  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

112498 Posts

Posted - 02/01/2023 :  20:15:36  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)

112498 Posts

Posted - 03/01/2023 :  20:12:50  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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warblaster
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Posted - 09/09/2023 :  18:13:28  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
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