parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/12/2013 : 18:42:10
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Please don't read if your not well, or sensitive.
I posted under the anger section..because there isn't a section for fear. Maybe it's classified as anxiety...I'm not sure.
I finished the driveway today and pleased about it. However..an awful fear crept up into the pit of my stomach and wouldn't leave. It's awful..and I have to keep catching my breath. It wouldn't go away, despite deep breathing. I'm thinking..what is it, what's going on?
I pass a cemetary every day..without a thought. But about an hour ago..I determined, I'm going to figure out whats wrong.
The way I know myself..I have to always start with the date..and I thought..and thought,,and then I finally realized...it's March. Could it possibly be on this day?
I pulled it up on the net..and low and behold, there it was..todays date on the headstone. I'm rattled, yet, does this mean I'm facing facing whats buried beneath? I hope so.
The monster died on this day. He dropped into our lives like an atomic bomb, and did permanent damage to all of us. My grandmother had to shoot him to save my mom.
So if a person ever aks why I'm so opposed to guns, and scared half to death of them. I have valid reasons that are based in reality..from my experience in life.
How could my brain remember this date from so long ago? The only thing I can think..is that today, my subconscience was ready to face it.
Maybe now..I can let it go. Now that I realize it..the fear is losing it's grip on me. Us human beings..we are a complicated lot. I know it for sure..from first hand experiences..like today.
What else is lurking down there, in my subconscience? I posted a pic. of the stone..which was on the net..because it almost seems unbelievable to me.
Sometimes I'm too hard on myself. But when I think about what happened from the time I was 7-12, I'm amazed that I'm even sane. I can only thank those who love me for that.
Addendum: I wouldn't dare post this in the more read forums..but have come to believe..that if it's real..and pertinant..it needs to be stated. I believe that if a person is afraid all the time or has severe anxiety..there is a very real cause for it..even though a person may not understand what the cause is. A pdoc can ask..and ask their questions..but what good are they..if we can't remember? It'll only come to me..when I'm ready.
At my age..47, I'm not afraid anymore of what my subconscience reveals to me. I'm more afraid of whats hidden. It's those things that I want to know so that I can finally let them go.
What a strange thing. But, tommorow is a new day. I'm looking forward to putting my head on the pillow and forgetting about all of this.
I feel a bit of regret for posting this. At the same time..I feel strongly, that if I sanitize my feelings and experiences, as I have for so long, how can I ever expect them to change? I'm at this point in my life. It's right for me.
Life can sometimes be ugly..and I've learned from experience, that hiding it only creates wounds. It's bad enough that a person goes through it. But it's worse to hold it in. I believe that THIS..creates the deepest wounds of all.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/12/2013 : 19:59:06
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You know what..I am angry. I'm angry at what happened to me so long ago..but more than that, I'm angry at what it's done to me in my adult life.
I'm angry that even now..my family and friends, want to lead conversations away from my reality. I'm sorry, but if I was a man, I don't believe this would happen..I resent that.
My brothers have always been free to express their anger..and it was acceptable, even when it was violent. But us girls..well, lets keep it polite, and nice, and sanitary.
I don't believe that outbursts help. But I do believe they are a way of saying "listen to what I'm saying, because you keep leading me away from my own truth". I see it happen to my sister..and my mom, all the time.
Yes..I'm angry. I don't want the creeps of so long ago, to keep ahold of me because they control my feelings..they keep me stuck in a fearful and angry state. This can only happen when THEY aren't exposed for what they where. I can only do this..by telling my own truth. And I'm even angry at myself for not having the insight to understand this years before.
I haven't faced things well, like many people do. I'm not one of those people that pour my guts in a pdoc session. How can I, when all I've heard all my life is "Your the strong one"?
Strong one..hmmm, I think this means.."stay quiet about your feelings..and listen to me..because I'm more important". It may not be true..but that's how I've always felt. It makes it even worse to know..that of all us kids..my mental illness is the most severe. How can you call me strong? How can people not see whats right in front of them?
My beliefs about how to approach things have changed. Us women..we are a very, very sensitive bunch. If you want to know the truth..then listen, and give us time to work it through.
You know..when a person goes so many years after having learned a pattern of ignoring, and pretending that bad things didn't happen..then really, they don't know how else to approach things..that's the only thing they know, is deny and bury..and keep it sanitary..for your sake. God forbid I make you uncomfortable, if even for a day. How sad is this?
Me..with monsters lurking in the closets, the only thing I've ever known to do all my life is run.
I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to shut people out..because really, I'm so afraid their going to hurt me really bad like the monsters did. It's really simple..I'm not a child, and have no choice but to face my life as I know it to be true..past and present. This is what I've learned and need to do..to learn how to be me..finally..all the good and bad, pretty and ugly.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/12/2013 : 21:53:50
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Talked to W tonight..told him about today. We haven't had "this" kind of discussion for ages.
I don't know how..but it led to me telling him..that I get so upset when he stomps around in the morning..waking me up. He has no clue how a lack of sleep effects me.
Maybe that's why today was so hard..like a tidal wave crashing in when my defenses where down. The sounds..I get so sick of being so sensitive of sounds. Things rattling around in my head..that's what happens when he wakes me up early..and I don't get enough sleep.
If I could go back to sleep..I would. I know the day is going to be a war between me and my brain...it's not fair.
He told me tonight..he'd like to get me out of here. OK..then honey..whatever you can do..within reason, then do it. I'm so tired..and the past pushes in on me to easily when I'm tired and vulnerable.
People don't realize how much people with mental illness NEED their sleep.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/13/2013 : 00:50:33
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Something else that is interesting. When I was 17, my mom was drunk. It was a typical night..and as usual, I was listening to her tell me a whole lot of things that where weird, didn't make sense..or, I didn't want to hear.
Anyway, she tells me she had an affair with my uncle when she was a month preganant with me. What does THAT mean..and why would you tell me this?
Anyway..people tell me I don't look like my mother or father. Isn't that strange?
My uncle..I visited him a few times..and he's really intelligent...likes folk music....and is fiercly independant. His kids would never see me once..in the whole time I lived there for 5 years.
Hmmmm.
You never know..do you. Wonder why I'm so differnt from my family..look different...art.. Yup..always been..and always will be the strange one.
But you know what..I don't care. I love them. They need my love...and I need theirs. We need each other.
But you know..i,d be intersting to get an DNA test done. The only problem is..that my moms still living, and my uncle is still living. My mome..she's been through enough. She's made her mistakes. But after making my own...it only makes me love her more.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/13/2013 : 01:27:18
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The only thing I see in the mirror each morning is me. I question myself..why are you sabotaging yourself? Different..that's why. I've never fit in...somehow..not even with my own family. There's something amiss. Is it the mental illness..is it something different? Does it even matter anymore. Clinging...sticking, suffocating. I think it's time to move on. My art..I've had an intuitive sense..that I can move on through my art. I think that's what I can do. I can't continue to be afraid of who, and what I am. I need to face myself. I can't run and hide any longer..I'm just too tired. At some point..I need to give into the fact, that intelligence the person does not make. Love does. That's all I know..and that's all I really care about.
Why am I as I am? I'll never know. But in asking that question, I'm really asking..HOW can I learn to give more..and stop being afraid? Maybe..these questions will land me in the hospital..because their much more complex when they roll around in my head.
But I don't feel that they can ever be more complex, or more simple..than loving..forgiving, and tenderness. Yes..I pray to God..to please help me become better than what I am.
The end of my tears for now...enough, I simply can't cry anymore. Lately..it's been kind of rough. The true person lies beneath the skin.
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