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Mood Disorder Community
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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 Posted - 05/14/2012 : 22:54:36
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Five of us siblings..and all of us have
anger problems..although the expression
of it varies considerably.
I've wondered why children that grow up poor
often have problems with anger in
later life..or, through out their life in general.
I don't know what happened to me as a very young
child, but I can tell you from the time I can
remember, I heard a lot of promises that where nothing
but lies.
I heard a lot of how I should behave, yet never
saw the same behavior in adults around me..spare school.
It was bad enough, that by the time I reached
the age of twelve...I doubted that what the
teachers told us was true...where they simply
making it up as they went along?
Unfortunately, this is something that has never
left me, although I didn't really
realize it until I attended college.
I needed to truly "see" things for
myself..in my minds eye.
It makes learning doubly hard when a
person can not take things at face
value.
Ostrocities and tradgedy, it ran rampant
in my life..and this is true with many poor
children.
With drug and alchohol use common in poor
families, children are exposed to horrendous things.
The parents sit idly by..content in their
stupor.
Rapes, molestations, murder in the family, being
chased by sickos and gangs, having to always
run, run..for fear of who may be in the
next car.
It all went unoticed by my parents..and no mention
was ever made of it..it was all swept away
in the next drunk, or the next love
making session whereby my parents released
their stesses..and I had no choice but to carry
mine in secret.
My best friend was found murdered. She lived
a block from me..why I was so lucky to
be spared by the man that had crawled through
my window that night...I'll never know.
But whatever the reason...I never made mention
of Vicki's death to my parents..why bother.
When I was chased, and ran for my life
so many times, why bother making mention
of it? Ya, the cops would be
called, but no effort was ever made to
catch the sickos..and it all went
unspoken about in typical fashion after
the cops left.
I thought nightmares where normal, and lived with
them throughout childhood and well into
adulthood. I'm now spared them, because
of seroquel.
I can tell you that if you fall in a dream and hit
the ground, you won't die.
If your stabbed, shot, or whatever the horror, you
will live.
And sleepwalking..hmm, that seemed to become
a bigger issue for my parents then anything
else...never mind the underlying causes.
My life was about fear..vs. comfort.
I always looked forward to being in a space
where I was comfortable..at home.
Everywhere else..I felt like nothing more than
prey.
What a way to live.
This would seem like a stuff of novels, but in
the world of poverty..it's common stuff.
Children are left unprotected, and uncared for
emotionally.
It's like a little doe in the woods, trying to
live, when there are wild cats out there
stalking.
What happens..is that children like me, intelligent
or not...eventually become angry.
The anger from the childhood is directed at
everything else except the very thing
that caused it..a lack of nurturing and
protection from their parents
from a very harsh outside
world, and often times a very violent
world within the family.
Poor people will do several things when they
become adults.
If they don't become exactly what their parents
where, they will sucumb to self medication.
On the other hand, they may tell themselves
that they are different from their
family..and go on to use every fiber inside
their brain to better themselves.
Many times, this comes with a cost, one that
sticks a big middle finger up to the
world.
It states, I have no sympathy for you, after
all, I was raised in squaler, and pulled
myself up by the bootstraps..now you, go
do the same.
Being raised poor puts people at such a
huge disadvantage..emotionally, physcially and
mentally.
Always being in fear, stesses a person to the
point, that any genetic predispositiion
toward mental illness will certainly
come to bear havoc in their lives..successful
or otherwise.
It's a harsh world for poor folks, making
it day to day, week to week.
Many parents are too mentally frail and
emotionally weak to realize that
they are still capable of giving their
children every opportunity for success, despite
the hardships. They only need to
love their children, and be adults.
I often see parents around here that are
poor..they walk with shoulders slumped, and
eyes down.
Their children pick up on this, and reflect
it outwardly just as much as
the clothes they are wearing.
On the other hand, there are poor parents
around here, that are comfortable in
their adulthood..they are in control of
their childrens lives in a healthy way.
You can tell, these children are
loved, and the parents give to them, pay
attention to them, and are the center
piece of their world.
These children, don't doubt. They are
simply children, smart, intelligent
children who romp freely without
hestiation.
There is so much ignorance surrounding poverty.
It will either make you, or break you.
As an adult, I realize that what I have
or do not have, doesn't constitute
who I am. I had to learn this through trial
and error.
I ache for the kids around here, and wonder
what will become of them.
Some of them are already so angry that
they throw rocks at the animals, mistreat
the smaller children and in general, raise
hell.
What will become of them?
As when I was growing up, the parents seem
oblivious to their pain.
I sometimes ache because I'm childless.
But most days, I look around me and
know, that it was the right thing.
This illness..I would not want to pass
it onto a child.
But for those lucky enough to have children, if
only they would realize what a precious
gift they have been given.
Poor or not, a parent needs to set the
example, protect the child, and above
all, love then feely..because children
will become the person that you
show them everday, that they are.
It's human nature, and that's exactly
how it plays out.
The true person lies beneath the skin.  |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 05/15/2012 : 12:10:18
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I travel through my memories in search
of answers.
I've needed to understand why I am the
way I am.
There is a clear and distinct difference
between the child that I was, and
the adult that I am now.
I think it all boils down to attitude
and outlook.
I now see where my anger came from, my
distrust, the walls that I've put
into place that separate me from the
life that I truly long for.
I can say in all certainty, that anger has been
the biggest destructive force in
my life.
My reasons for being angry where justifiable
without a doubt.
But the problem was, that it all sat
down inside my stomach and fermented
there, growing by leaps and bounds.
Eventually, it took on a life of it's
own...and became like a fire in my life.
No one would ever know it, for, my
expression of anger wasn't directed
outwardly at other people, instead I
turned it toward myself.
If ever there was a way to rip apart
my life, and any progress I ever made, I
found it...and then some.
Anger needs to be discussed, talked about
and put to the air. Otherwise, it can
and usually does become destructive.
But when your taught to hold it all inside
because your the "strong one" like I
have, and mental illness presents
itself...a strong one falls down, and
will have a very difficult time getting
back up.
Now, I realize there is no point in striving for
goals..because until I deal with the
anger, and the fear, I will follow the
same patterns that I always have, like
a compass that points North..my decisions
will be predictable, I will find
a way to destroy any progress.
At least now I can see this, and perhaps have
a heads up about how I may behave in
any given situation.
I now know, that diverting my attention
from the anger...doesn't work.
Acting out on the anger, doesn't work.
Denying the anger, doesn't work.
Blaming someone else doesn't work.
You can never look at a person, and know
whether or not they have anger issues.
Some people...like me, appear quite
gentle and behave that way outwardly.
But that destructive force is still
there.
I guess human nature is a funny thing.
We can never really know another person, because
they may not completely know themselves.
Sometimes..it's not about acquiring things
in life..it's not about continual striving
to "gain"..a person or things.
It's about letting go of the feelings that
are destructive, finding a true and
valid reason to do so, and raising the
stakes.
It's about dealing with myself much more
gently.
I can see that I was not dealt with gently
and it's something I didn't know how
to do..it's something I must learn to
do for me.
It's only then, that life will take on
new meaning. The beast of anger has
robbed me of so much, and kept me in
a constant state of self loathing.
Well, the root of that was caused by
other people...so I can't completely
blame myself.
Is it possible, for this reason, to begin
letting it go?
But, it's up to me to uproot the anger.
It's by far and away time..this has
been one hell of a long and painful
road, and everything in me yearns
for peace.
I've carried dark feelings that I couldn't and
wouldn't dare touch, and even denied
for so long.
I really didn't know that the anger was
such a problem...how could it be
true..I don't operate that way.
O contraire Linda..your human..welcome
to the reality.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 05/15/2012 : 12:38:49
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I can't stop writing about this, because
I know I'm onto something.
Everything is still in pieces, but the
picture is slowly coming into focus.
Why would a person turn away from anything
that could benefit them, be it
a person, an opportunity, or even
a belief?
This has happened to me time and time again.
Everything, and everyone in my life
has been fair game.
W, my family, my friends.
Yes, I've left them all before...literally.
I've left jobs, opportunites, counselors, school.
I simply couldn't function..because
I hated myself and couldn't face the
objectivity that others had to offer.
I didn't want to hear that I was pretty, or
smart...but never minded hearing that
I am NICE.
I guess when someone tells me I'm NICE, it
helps me feed into the idea that I'm not
angry..and makes it easier for me
to bury my little secret even deeper.
How ironic.
Isn't that the strangest thing, to recoil
from recognition, from compliments.
It's all about the anger, and self destruction.
How determined can one person possibly
be, to undermine themselves at every turn?
I'm amazed when I look at my life.
Other people ask me...what are you doing?
They don't understand how someone who
has talents and is smart, can end
up like me.
This is so uncomfortable for me, and I fall
back on the old card...I'm bipolar.
Yes, bp can make me snappy and paranoid.
But since I've been on medication, it can't
be "the reason" for self sabatage.
This is an entirely different beast, it
is something different.
My voc. rehab counselor kept insisting
that I go to counseling, and I really
didn't understand why.
She saw something...that I didn't.
I've often wondered what that was all about, now I
think I'm catching on.
Anger from childhood, from all the lack of, the
want for, the diminitive posturing of
parents...the certain aspect that whatever
it is will be taken..because I was powerless.
It created a monster, a firestorm that
kept itself so silent and hid so well, that
I didn't know it was there this
whole time.
It all came back to haunt me.
I believe in being real with myself, as much
as I can.
How is it that it took me so long to see
this?
I think I'm one of the most fool hearty
people I know.
I thought that by helping others, and caring
for them, I could take my own
pain away.
Now, I hide...and I've wondered why.
I've come to a standstill with myself in
my life.
"Love your neighbor as you do yourself".
A person has to love themselves also, as
much as they do any other person.
I've been a foolish, angry person, despite
outward appearences.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 05/15/2012 : 14:25:34
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It doesn't take a lot to feed my anger, and
it seems there is always a valid reason
to keep the fire burning.
When I watch the news, I sit there thinking, and
then a burning ache begins in my stomach.
When I see what is happening, I wonder, is this
something that could have been prevented.
Or, why are they continuing with the
same practices when it is hurting so many
people?
That's the catalyst to my anger, I'm feeling
it now as write.
Hurting people..those words anger me, kind
feelings go away, gentleness is replaced
by a strong resolve to want vengeance
I want the greedy pretenders brought to
justice in a court of law, and a full
monetary and lawful reckoning
asked of the perpetrators
Yes, I want them to pay, and I wish
for everyone to know that they are
only making a pretense at being human.
THEY..are not human, they are monsters.
They are indeed sociopaths in the
purest form.
How can human beings become what
THEY are? If they lack conscience, what
exactly are they?
Shouldn't they be kept away from the
general population, where they can
no longer do harm?
But it never happens that way..and as
a matter of fact..these people go on
to become even more powerful and rich.
Hurt..fail to protect..those are words that
beckon back to the past.
I see the thread, how it's all tied together.
Hold those in authority accountable.
I sit silently...not realizing what's happening.
I'm being diminished as a human, because
what I'm feeling hurts me..my stomach
aches, my ears ring, my eyes become
blurry.
What am I doing to myself?
I'm beckoning the beast, all the hurts
from childhood, it all rings in my ears, the
injustice...the lack of accountability.
Yes, I see the common thread and that
from where it came.
My heart tells me, that people that understand
what is happening and have half
a brain...should be doing something about
it.
But what is it that I'm supposed to
be doing about anything?
Each person is responsible for their own
decisions, and that can never be changed.
It should never fall on the shoulders
of another person...not emotionally.
It is so far fetched and unhealthy
to ever think that this is reasonable, or
helpful in any way.
I see it all, how I used to protect my siblings, the
little warrior gal, to busy to
see that she was wounded.
It's all spilled over..the same characteristics, only
in a different arena of life..anger, the
driving force.
There is no reckoning to be had for the past.
It's done and over with...people have
moved on..people have changed.
Even if they hadn't, what good has any of
this done for me, all this anger?
Nothing at all..it's destroyed me
from the inside out.
When I am as powerless to stop hurt, as
I was as a child...I'm angry.
I've always believed that true love, mercy
and gentleness can't really reside
side by side with anger.
Anger is so powerful, that it pushes
out the good feelings.
I've made myself suffer for all the
things "I should have done", all the things
"I don't do", the things I
feel responsible for. I've made myself
pay..over and over.
It truly is insane, please pardon the
expression, but I don't see any other
way of putting it.
I've always intuitively understood Van Gogh and
that scares me.
I know why he cut his ear off, and I
know why he hated himself..I see it in
his paintings...the anger, the self
loathing.
I am responsible for myself from this moment
in time forward.
I am not responsible for anything else, or
anyone else's decisions.
Being responsible for my life, and
my decisions, is what I was put on this
Earth for..nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want the anger to rob me of love
anymore, and all the good feelings
that I've needed for so long.
There is only so much that any one person
can do help others. But what I can
do to help myself, seems endless.
It doesn't have to be this way anymore.
I can stop the anger..because the
reason for it's being..has long
since passed.
It's done and over with.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/16/2012 : 11:52:47
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Yesterday was hard..and I went through the
day feeling sadness, regret, and hope, all
side by side.
Facing these truths about myself isn't easy.
And being mindful of how I'm allowing
myself to react...is harder.
I think it is harder for people that don't
react outwardly with anger..it's so easy
to ignore it, put on a smiling face, and
go about the day.
But outward appearence is not what I'm after.
I'm after inward change, change that will
give some peace and
calm.
It all kind of got to me...so I took the dog
and headed to a little river...Shelby went
in..and so did I, tennis shoes and all.
It felt so good.
Fish, Cranes...all variety of little birds, and
also..Javalina.
A slight grunt somewhere from amongst
the trees was a gentle warning that we
where trudging around on their turf, and we headed
home.
I was made to be outdoors..even as a child, you
couldn't keep me in.
It's as though the breeze gently sweeps away
all the strife..and I can feel peace.
There was a little ragged dog running lose
there.
Where did it come from..it had a collar on.
Why wasn't someone taking care of it?
Anger....whoops..caught myself.
I couldn't get it into the truck..Shelby
isn't nice with other dogs.
There's nothing I could do...frustration.
Whoops...caught myself.
I've determined that a particular feeling
may lead to another feeling..and one
sort of thought may lead to another.
Such is my mind.
I must watch my mind..and learn to dwell
on thoughts that are healthy..not
upon thoughts of injustice..for, there
simply is nothing I can do about it all.
Healing myself is the best thing that
I can do..as one small speck on this
Earth.
It's the best really can do.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/17/2012 : 12:10:07
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I had a rough day yesterday..my emotions got
the better of me..pushing myself too
hard...when it's probably better to
be more like the tortoise..slow and
steady.
Oh my oh my..what an uphill battle with
my body...what a limp noodle.
I believe when I feel I can't move forward, that's
when I really should.
But being so physcially weak...makes me
frustrated and mad.
I don't know how acceptance comes about, and
clearly there is some kind of
inner process that takes place that is
unique to each individual.
I'm clueless as to how to begin the process.
But this much I do know, being angry over
my physical state, or limitations,
or anything else that triggers me, is
clearly counter prodcutive.
I've always been one of those people who, when
overwhelmed by stress, or whatever, get's
busy and active..it's always been
my stress reliever.
Now, to a big degree, this has been taken
away..and I'm simply left floundering, not
knowing how to cope, or deal with
what's happening.
I need to learn to stop thinking about, and
reacting to all the things that I
have no control over...it's the only way, it's
the only open door to peace that
my mind can see.
Everything else, everything, outside of
this, will backfire..frustration, anger..it
all adds more weight onto me, rather
than lifting it off.
Lighter, that's it...I need to get through
life being lighter...inside.
Some people have other options, other ways
of coping...and I always did too.
But being so stuck like this...I'm left
with only one thing that will
help me...inner change.
My world becomes what I "think" it is, and
my actions..and how I "feel" will
follow.
This is all I know..and all I can do
for now.
Addendum: I'm about to shower, and go into
the day. I always take my parrots in with
me. When they know it's "time", they
get excited. My little *****atto will
bundle herself up in my arms..and I'll rock
her like a baby..a bundle of soft, white
feathers..so fragile and vulerable.
It occurs to me..that people need that kind
of gentle love, and even more so.
I've always wanted this kind of gentle love, but
it's hard to come by.
And then it occurs to me..because I'm aware
of this...it's me who needs to
give this to others in the capacity that
I can...as one wise person said...be
the change that you want to see.
I want to change from the inside out.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/18/2012 : 13:04:57
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If I had learned these things as youth, it
wouldn't have been so hard to accept
as an adult.
Life isn't going to be fair, for me, or
others.
You will make mistakes, face them, apologize
for them, learn from them, and move on.
There is no such thing as perfection.
You aren't responsible for other peoples
happiness.
You can't fix everything, there are times
when you just have to live through it, and
learn to accept it the way it is.
It's not what you know that matters, but
what you do.
Kindness will bring more benefit to
you, than strength.
Love supercedes everything else, and if
it's real, you'll see beneftis
in your life.
Watch how people treat each other. If
they treat others badly, they will
treat you badly also..steer clear.
You deserve to be loved.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/21/2012 : 11:58:28
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Not in a good mood today..way over did it
yesterday..and am paying.
But, things got done.
W told me a story about a 22 year old
asthmatic that had to be taken away
by ambulance at his employment.
She's happy to be back at work, and is
proud that she can make it into
the building without assistance.
OK..that made me feel just grand, marvelous..like
a million bucks.
And the moral of his story was....
The comparision is....
And I'm supposed to feel....
And your reason for telling me this is???
To boot...he tells me I'm "easy", as in, easy
to guilt.
Games...he can't seem to help himself..playing
them.
Why the digs?
He thinks it's funny...laughs...
He'll never learn.
My being angry won't help.
A leopard never changes it's spots.
It is what it is.
Accept it...or move on.
I resolve...not to let him get to me.
I resolve..to keep a clear head
and see no need for anger.
His behavior is his baby...it has
everything to do with him, and very
little to do with me.
It is not my job to teach him...that
was his mamas job.
Resolve...continue growing..let
the rest slip away..it's out of
my hands.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/21/2012 : 12:35:03
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Even in marriage..life will be what I
make it to be.
I have a choice..I can respond to
callousness, apathy and passive aggression, or, I
can simply not respond or react internally.
Resolve...resolve, resolve.
I only want to live life well..inside
my own space that is my mind and heart.
I don't want to let W in there anymore.
He doesn't play fair, or nice.
He knows it all, and no longer needs
any information from me.
I guess I'm just not smart enough to
know how to "play well".
Or is it that he has everything bazz ackward?
Time will tell.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/02/2012 : 11:48:03
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My uncle has become psychotic again, kneeling
in his yard..praying loudly.
He went by my sisters house yesterday, told
her that she bought an auction car
that belonged to a vet..she's going
to hell.
I'm sure he went by our old house, and of
course, we no longer live there.
His voices tell him to "preach Jesus", or
his insides will explode.
I want to tell him what a good man he
is, I want to tell him...ughh, I don't
know..he's always been a good man.
But he wouldn't hear a thing I say.
Last time this happened, he had a gun in
the back of his car trunk.
I had to tell the VA, and he was admitted.
The assholes turned around and
told him..that I had spoke with them.
Now, I'm a bad guy.
But...someone could have gotten hurt
or worse.
Now, there's nothing I can do.
He's going to be court ordered to the
hospital again, I'm sure of it.
He'll stop his car in the middle of the
road and not move, or go into
the grocery store preaching..and the
cops will be called. He'll be
charged with criminal trespassing  .
He obsesses on a certain person..and without
someone to obsess on, and be there
for him, he falls apart.
Mom will have to handle this, I'm not
good for him.
I'll do the right thing, which will turn
out to be the wrong thing.
He's scary when he gets like this, calls
people demons, wants guns.
Sister will get a restraining order
if he does it again.
I can't blame her.
One time, it took 5 cops to bring him
down from a loud prayer session..he thought
they where demons.
I'm so saddened...he doesn't know what he's
doing.
He's suffered so many tragedies in his life.
I can only hope that someone knows how
to help him, and they just don't throw
him away and lock up the key.
Once he's medicated again..however that
may end up happening...if he ends up
in a stupor at the state or VA hospital, I
won't be able to leave him like that.
I just can't.
I hope the family will help this time, I
know it's a lot for them emotionally, but
one person can't do this alone.
It takes a group effort.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7607 Posts
Gratitude: 912
|
Posted - 06/03/2012 : 07:00:28
|
Hi Parrotputz, I'm sorry to hear about your Uncle. I have an adult son who goes psychotic when he doesn't take his meds which is all the time here lately.
I know how hard it can be on family members. I had to have my son arrested before and put on probation because he threatened to kill me one time.
They have to want to help themselves once they get medicated and well. I once threatened to video tape my son to show him how he is but I never followed through. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/04/2012 : 12:40:18
|
Hi Chelle,
Yes, it is hard to know what the right
thing to do is. But your so right, setting
boundaries is the only way to handle it.
This has been going on for years..and
it's been a "live and learn" process.
It sure doesn't feel comfortable to get
the law involved, or not be able to
be there for them..but I know how you must
feel. Sometimes there's not a choice..safety
has to come first.
But I do wish they'd just stay on their
meds. My uncles almost 70 now. Your
right..it his choice. I can only hope
he gets help sooner rather than later.
Thanks for the line and I hope your well.
Linda
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/07/2012 : 13:29:55
|
*RAW* Please don't read if your not well
Panic, visual and auditory hallucinations...that's
what I used to have.
The walls rippled, and I heard the TV or
an announcer..don't know what that was.
But I can say this..I really didn't know
that these where "hallucinations".
The word "mental illness" scared me.
I was content to take the medicine.
But I couldn't read about it, or even
broach the subject intellectually, because
it would make me physically sick
and I'd start shaking really bad.
That was the extent of my denial.
I was the one who helped others when they where
sick...it couldn't possibly be me.
I loved it when the pdoc in MI. told me
I was just depressed. I took the
effexor and called it good...never realizing
that it was this med. that caused all
of the above.
Funny thing...after my first attempt at
suicide..that doc also said..it was depression.
I was too worn out to fight with
him..and he was so arrogant..I just didn't
care..left the hospital and threw the
pills away.
I was convinced..that these pdoc's where
crazier than me.
I didn't know what was happening, they
couldn't seem to give me a med. that
helped..and I thought...this is
wrong on so many levels.
PROBLEM: I was so out of tune with myself, that
I couldn't tell them what was wrong, I
didn't know.
I'd focus on other people..and never look
in the mirror.
Lied about my drinking, lied about not sleeping, lied
about my outbursts.
After all, these things where "immoral" and
shameful.
I couldn't get the right help, because I
was giving faulty information to the
doctors.
I wasn't intentionally lying, but simply.."withholding".
em, em..live and learn.
Funny thing though, when I applied for
SS, with one click..they pulled up all
my files...and I guess however bipolar
people live their lives..that's
how I was living mine...that lady was
stunned at how many jobs I'd had.
And the medical files...they don't lie.
Yep...I'm a stubborn case.
But..at least now I know more..I understand
more.
I why should I be ashamed? It's an illness, not
a moral defect.
Anyone who tries to tell me different
is as ignorant now, as I was then.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/07/2012 : 14:13:19
|
*RAW* Please don't read if your not well
I just wonder sometimes if I've completely
accepted that I'm bipolar.
Intellectually I know it's true, but emotionally..I
don't know.
Imagine growing up hearing your parents put
down others with mental illness..especially
my Papa.
Number one...that hurt..and I knew it was
cruel.
Number two..I determined that this would
NEVER happen to me.
My uncles had it bad..one had always been
ill, and the other, simply
feel apart later.
My Papa said they had demons.
Being raised a seventh day adventist, he
really believed this.
It was twisted and perverted to say the
least.
So when I started "changing", it never
occurred to me, that I was having
symptoms. Perhaps..I was innately immoral?
God would not forgive me for this.
It was indeed, a huge secret in
that I kept hidden.
It must have been that I was immoral
and lazy.
Not being able to go out of the house for
a year, at age 17...was horrible.
My parents didn't see mental illness, they
saw a girl that was becoming "lazy".
That hurt so much..for I was so stuck, that
regardless of the names..I simply
couldn't change it.
Thus..my understanding of cruelty, and
ignorance.
A person can never know how it feels to
be so stuck, and unable to help
themselves...and at the same time, be
called names, and emotionally mistreated
for the same.
My thoughts of suicide, where only further
evidence of my "immorality" and
not something that I would ever air, lest
it be used against me as further proof
of my "immorality".
How horribly cruel..as I look back on
it..just cruel.
I'm amazed I didn't literally crack up, because
inside..I was coming apart at the seams.
The thing is..that my parents where themselves
ill, and only now do I see this.
What they did, they did out of ignorance.
I know now, that they would have never
intentionally hurt me this way.
If my hurt where visible like a physical
wound, things would have been different.
I'm now able to extend mercy toward my
mom...papa is gone.
But...when weaker ones are abused, I
have to watch myself closely, because
have been the abused, and
know the desperation it brings..I
have to be careful that I don't
lose my temper.
But..things are not intentional.
They spring forth from ignorance.
The only way I know to heal, is to
keep learning...and to extend mercy
and kindness, even in the face
of cruelty.
Otherwise...from what I can see out
here in this family...the cycle
will continue.
It's all about loving and trying to
understand..and forgiving ourselves, and
knowing that underneath it all, I
am still responsible for my decisions.
God, how thankful I am that I have
the presence of mind to still be able
to make decisions, and that I
haven't completely toppled over.
Life can get so messed up when there's
mental illness in the family.
People really believe what they are
taught..and if they are taught that
mental illness springs from anything
else other than a brain condition,then
people get hurt.
There's so much information about
mental illness out here.
But I don't think people in families
are getting it yet..at least not
in ours...we're not all there yet.
Because some people don't have mental
illness...and there is little motivation
for them to learn..and it's
hard for them to touch that kind of
pain.
I understand..it's a human reaction.
So...I trudge along...and am determined, to
keep forgiving..myself..and others.
We're only human..each and every one
of us.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/07/2012 : 15:25:58
|
*RAW* Please don't read if your not well
I don't know where my uncle is, or whether or
not he's getting help.
I feel that he showed up on my sisters doorstep, because
he's crying out for help in the only
way he can.
I feel he must be desperate, and that hark ens
back to a time in my life when I
too was quite desperate.
I want to help him, and it breaks my heart
that there is no way to do so.
The things that people who don't
know any better say...ewww. They're afraid
of him..and their opinion goes no
farther than that.
The laws in this state prohibit anyone
but immediate family from taking legal
steps..or stepping in for him.
I struggle with my conscience on this issue.
But, the reality is...that whatever I have
done to try and help in the past, has
done little good.
I was a support, but could never get him
to reach out to the professionals that
would really help him...for all
my persuasion..I couldn't get him
long term help.
Our system here is broken.
When he did go to counseling..I don't know what went
on in the sessions...but he came
away from that more angry than before.
There seem to be little solace and
peace that came out of there.
It leaves me confused and bewildered.
Maybe he went just long enough to
begin working on "old issues"..and
not long enough to bring about a resolution.
Maybe I'm just naive.
I'm am equally confused about the VA telling
him of my conversation with them.
It only fueled his paranoia..and in
the end..hurt him.
Why? They are supposed to help him, and support
those that have his best interests
at heart..no, I don't understand.
For this reason, I will never again trust
them to intervene..or be able to reach
out to them to help him.
I'm stuck, and so, must hope that mom, being
immediate family can take appropriate
action if necessary.
Forgive me, but when he starts going
to church...it's the beginning of the end.
I believe in God, but do not believe
that I can "speak" to god "in tongues"
or through voices.
He gets it coming and going...and I can't
tell you how angry this makes me.
Then...the church takes his money and
sends him on his way...with no support
or understanding of his illness.
Yet, it's true that unless he is willing
to commit to a long term treatment
plan..there is nothing that can be done.
He was court ordered to take a monthly
shot for a year..and it was a good
year for him. Then the court order
ended....
My family was up in arms for many years, that
I had such a close relationship with
him.
When I was younger..he did come over
and rub his success in our faces.
He was loud and obnoxious sometimes, but
had a sense of humor that left us
all in stitches.
But, does it matter?
Yes, he was trying to replace his son that
had died with me...I intuitively knew
this..but what did it matter, he
needed support..and not one person
would step up to the plate.
Rather, they made fun of him behind his
back....OK, can I cry now.
I didn't know what I was doing..how
could a 23 year old know about such
things as PTSD, or scizoeffective illness.
I only knew that for some reason, everyone
was determined to throw him away.
Why? I still don't understand it?
This is some kind of sickness in the family, and
I'm not smart enough to put a name to
it..I don't know what it is.
But it's always been there.
It's like watching a movie star or politician
fall...people love to watch it.
So, the big guy fell down...and then, the
horrible things out of their mouths.
My grandmother, in all her wisdom, set
about a rumor that my uncle and I
where having an affair.
My God..this is what I mean..this kind of
sickness..and desperate attempt to
bring him down.
I'll never understand it..ever, in my
life.
But I do know, all I can do is hope
for the best.
But this much I can say, when I'm in the
hospital..W knows not to tell my
family.
I can't bear the sickness near me when
I'm so ill.
People get on me about walls..well, maybe
their there for a reason.
In my world..there's a valid reason.
Until I understand..and see valid improvement
with my own eyes and heart..those
walls will be there.
Trust has to be earned.
I just hope that S gets a chance.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
|
| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/07/2012 : 17:02:08
|
*RAW*
Clean, write..clean..write.
I feel better, more inclined to stick with
my initial decision...wait.
It's hard to do..but sometimes, it's seems
like life is more about patience than
anything else..something I've
never been good at..patience.
I was thinking about mom, and what she
must have gone through growing up.
She always reminded me of one of those
Southern maidens in the movies.
So sensitive...and fair.
Her mom was a "meanie" in every sense of
the word.
If you can imagine the person on a soap
opera that sits backs and plans someones
demise..that would have been her
mom.
The stuff that was done to her.
I think about this now, because I know
"Why" mom was the way she was.
She had anxiety problems bad, allergies, female
problems..and worst of all, depression.
But she had to keep going..five of us
to feed.
Hmm, I stuck to her like a velcro baby
when I was young..I was the worst offender.
Wanted my mom...loved her so much.
It was the depression and drinking that
changed her..and that's all.
It wasn't some sort of conscience decision
on her part...except for the
drinking.
She had so many worries and stresses, that
looking back on it...she didn't have "time"
to see beyond this...nor the energy.
She wasn't superhuman.
Now a days, mom is the one that will be
there if someone falls...not me.
She's about retired..and has had time
to reflect on those years gone by.
She's apologized numerous times..with
tears in her eyes.
She's trying hard to understand the illness, S's
illness...and I can see her
confusion...but it seems now..her heart
wins out...and she's kind.
Wish I felt the way I did back then.."my
mom is the best mom in the world".
But there's still healing to do.
There's more to be learned..understood.
Ya, we've lost people in the family, time
has passed, and many of us have changed, some
for the better, some for the worst.
It's just always the "sickness" that
has to be fought..that line of
thought that is so unforgiving of others.
Maybe mom and I are closer on
this front than I think.
Walls..yes, I'm trying to let them down.
Mom needs her daughter back.
But all in all...I love her for who
she's become..it's really quite amazing.
She'd always be there...she's grown.
But still...I'm not quite there.
My illness has to be accepted and
understood.
I'll never be her "girl" again.
But it's my hope that we can come together
as adults, with a renewed respect
and love for each other some time soon.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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