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Mood Disorder Community
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| Author |
 Topic  |
| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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 Posted - 05/30/2012 : 23:34:21
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This weekend was heavenly.
W, MIL and I drove up through Oak Creek
Canyon, Sedona, and back home
by way of Flagstaff.
There is nothing more settling and
lovely than nature to me.
I was able to make it to the
creek...and could have trudged around
there all day..if the opportunity had
been right.
Stopping to smell the roses...how
wonderful.
It's quite amazing that I got W down
to the creek. There, for the first
time in Arizona..I saw my first
orange oriole.
What wonderful treats awaited us at
each scenic overlook, twist and
turn.
W and my MIL get tired of hearing..OMG, how
beautiful..look at that!
But..there's a kid in every crowd  .
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/04/2012 : 13:20:43
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So many years passed since I was 21 or so.
That's when the stuff hit the fan.
Seems I was always taking care of someone.
But really, I was too young to understand
that, with mental illness, there is
no "reasoning skills" when someone is
psychotic.
I lived in fear..and still do.
What if they do this..then that will happen.
I spent so much of my energy trying
to "logicadize" my way around things.
I was desperate.
All the while..I was making my own
mistakes, being caught up in the
messes that my own illness created.
For the life of me..it was run, run, run.
I couldn't sit still..and when
someone crashed and burned..I felt
it was my fault..always..my fault.
Now, I realize, I can't help anyone
but me. I can listen, and support, but
that's all, and only when someone is
medicated and not psychotic or manic.
That doesn't mean the old pangs of
guilt don't surface and belt me a good
one from time to time.
But I fight that, because I realize that
I really did do the best I could.
I was a good kid...a good daughter, a
good sister..and a good niece.
I just didn't know that one person is
not responsible for another persons
actions, and one person can't "make
another person happy".
I guess this is a lesson that took years
to learn..and in many ways, I'm still
learning it.
Without proper intervention from mental
health workers, nothing will ever
go right.
If someone could have pulled back the
scope, and I'd had a good look at
what was happening, I would have been
shocked.
But I was so caught up in trying to
help..that my vision was simply skewed.
Now, it's one day at a time.
I have to struggle for every bit of ground
forward.
The old patterns always want to resurface.
I can't make other people happy, I just
can't..not my husband, or siblings, or
mom, or my uncle..or friends.
I just can't.
Unless they contribute to their own
well being..they are stuck.
The same goes for me.
A person can't carry the emotional load
uphill all by themselves.
I sometimes don't understand people, and
I don't understand how they expect
other people to "make them happy".
It's an internal state of being, one
that is totally dependent on the
individual.
Need to think some more about it.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 06/04/2012 : 14:36:33
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What's bothering me?
This weekend, like so many others, I made
every decision.
I clean the house, do the laundry, shop, cook
meals,pay the bills..all to keep
things doable, and to try and make
W happy.
But there's something that's bothering him.
He's unhappy.
He doesn't like living here..in this
"trailer park".
He wants to own a house..again.
He's unhappy with his weight, unhappy with
his job.
I pick up on this...and am going in
circles with guilt..trying to figure
out how to make him feel better.
What can I do?
In my mind..I'm thankful for the roof over
our head.
I don't want another house.
I want a business, something that is productive
and gives back..much more than monetarily.
So, what can I do to help us, to help W?
Oh geez, I want to cry.
I can't make him happy..I've tried.
He pulls against me..he wants too much
without putting the effort in.
Maybe because he's tired.
Nothing in our life will change until
I start making decsions for me.
Everything I do for him is good, but I
need to do more for me...then
it will get better.
Ya, I want to cry. This weekend took
it out of me.
I'm supposed to pull another rabbit
from my hat I suppose. I feel that
saddness..and little lump in
my throat.
I tell W..you don't get something for
nothing..it takes work.
Got me a bike from walmart..need to
try harder..exercise..I need this
for my mind.
I'm stuck in a rut...and want out.
There is only one way to go, and that's
into the next hour.
Gosh darn it..it's hard.
May as well get busy..it'll make
me feel better.
What a reality..can't make my own
husband happy. But it doesn't work like
that. I think when things are handed
to us..maybe we don't appreciate
them as much as if we had worked
hard for it.
I've enabled W. Maybe he's enabled
me...it's possible.
Nothing good happens overnight. But I only
know, that anger that used to
propell me forward is destructive.
It can't be that way anymore. I need
to find another way.
A rough day..and that's all.
I hope tomorrow is better.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 06/04/2012 : 16:14:18
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As for a business, my mind runs along the
lines of environmental conservation.
But I have an idea that is much more practical
and would help people.
It's so radically simple, that I can't believe
that it hasn't been done.
I wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel, just
tweak it a bit.
W's hearing aid lady had an unfortunate
event happen recently...and I thought..that
could have been prevented.
Then I realized how..and it's rather simple.
OK..but, it'll take money...to make, to
research, to patent.
It takes a strong working knowledge of
chemistry and biology.
I'll need help here..but, think I know
where to go for that.
I think the better idea..is to sell the
idea..after it's patented.
If I can accomplish this...once, I
can do it again..after I've taught myself
how.
W and I will have to sit down together and
come up with a business plan.
I told him this weekend, that I won't do
this alone.
I need his help, I need his backing, and
I need his support.
Whether I succeed or fail..is not the point.
The point is that I'm taking chances and
have an opportunity to learn from it.
I need to show W that I haven't given
up.
Ok, I need to move forward.
W's father was a millionaire, developing
large shopping complexes.
He died broke..having squandered it all
after becoming ill with hep. C.
Does W feel he has something to live
up to?
What is his fascination with money?
Does he even see it?
We pull against each other this way.
Heck ya, I like money.
But I know it won't make a person happy.
It's not the money...but the journey
that brings satisfaction.
I'm trying to find a journey that we
can both travel together...this is
what we need.
But one that is as risk free as possible.
Pulling against each other is hurting
us.
The more he pushes me...because he wants
things...the more I pull back.
It scares me...because I know from
experience that the love of money
can bring evil and rake a persons
morals over the coals...until there's
nothing left.
No thank you...it has to be the journey
that matters.
If we can be happy here, in this little
place...and learn to be happy in
our journey..then we can be happy
anywhere.
Running to something else...has never
worked.
If you could see my address history, you'd
know what I mean.
I don't want to run anymore...I want
to make it work right here, and now...just
where we're at.
I want a nice, productive journey for
us both...that doesn't compromise
who we are.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/05/2012 : 13:14:05
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Par for the course...I spent 4 hours researching
yesterday.
Have to understand the basics, before I
can move forward.
Of course...just of course, I become immersed,
and couldn't get to sleep until
2:00 am..thinking, turning it all over
in my mind.
I don't like this...I can't keep things
balanced...my brain has a mind of
it's own.
Physical exertion does the opposite..and
leaves me more calmed.
I'll take an extra quell tonight, an hour
earlier...don't want the plane
to leave the runway.
Need to make a point of using the
bike..every evening..when it's not 100+F out.
Today..I need to clean the bedding..and
all the filters on the air cleaners..and
shop vac.
Feeling better physically...could it
be that the pyridostigmine has actually
helped?
I don't know for sure..but I do know
that whatever it is...that I need to
keep putting one foot in front of
the other.
The beast is always on my tail, I can't
have antidepressants...so I need to
keep moving..and above all, keep
my chin off the ground.
I can't do anyone any good when I'm
down there.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/13/2012 : 14:27:49
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I feel peaceful today.
Wish I knew what causes this feeling..it
comes so seldom.
I'm feeling better physically, and am
confused as to why.
But whatever it is...I'll take it and
run with it..it's a blessing.
I'm lazy today..or maybe, I'm just
afraid to push it because I don't
want this feeling to go away.
No anxiety..no worries..and I feel calm
and level.
Maybe this is from an increase in the
dosage of quells.
I got into an argument with W Monday
and was really peaved at him.
I shouldn't have dished the dirty's on
him...so I deleted my little tirade.
But surprisingly, I was fine the
next day..that usually doesn't happen.
Just hoping that this holds.
Pretty birds outside today..mama's and
baby's..it's that time of year.
Got so much done yesterday...not much
to do today..but grocery shop.
The sun is shining, and there is not
a thing brewing in my stomach..it
feels that all is well.
It'll be a good day.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/23/2012 : 20:57:40
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Went grocery shopping..and W came home
around 3:00p.
He's relaxing..and so far..no calls..yahoo.
If they call him out late tonight, I'll
be disappointed.
I want to go exploring tomorrow.
D asked me how I hike..when I get so
weak.
I told him it's easy...one step at a time..he, he.
Get tired...just sit and rest..and
enjoy nature all around...everything
just goes away.
Besides..when I get weak..it happens all
at once..and my walking muscles
aren't as effected as other muscles.
This illness..yes, I do so much dislike
it.
It's a "mood" disorder.
Mood dictates state of mind I think.
I don't like something dictating my
state of mind..I'd like to think
that I have more control than that.
But it's the nature of the beast.
I'm just so hard on myself..and I don't
want to treat people..well, I don't
want to make them feel bad, that's
about it.
Honestly...I won't be around people
who are like that..people who go
out of their way to make other
people feel bad.
Life is too short.
B..this old guy followed her to her
home..he loved the shell on her
pickup truck..used to have one
just like it.
I know how old folks can be..sentimental
about things that remind them of the
past..or something they remember that
was treasured.
Anyway...she went off on him..and asked
him what the hell was wrong with
him? Did he make it a point to
follow people into their driveway and
offer to buy their personal property?
Geez...I felt so bad..an innocent
old man..
I don't see B very much anymore, she
wears me out..and honest to goodness, I
just don't have the energy to
give her all the attention she clearly
needs and "deserves".
Umm, umm, umm.
And God forbid she is not the center of
attention...who knows what will happen
then.
It blows my mind.
Me..forgive me..but it's just so
hard to handle jerks that intentionally
try to rip people off, or hurt
them.
But as MIL always says...there's nothing
you can do about it.
MIL..I do love her so..she always makes
me laugh.
And...we can laugh about my illnesses, her
illnesses, we can breath..know
what each other likes..and
get along very well.
Took years to get to this point (my trust
issues) but now, it's very nice.
She has no qualms with my illness.
My SIL's on the other hand..who knows.
I love them too, but they are just too
harsh with people..ignorant..hope that's
the correct word.
Not to slight their intelligence..because
intelligent they indeed are..no doubt
about that.
Just wish they where a little gentler
with people that are ill.
Kind of hard when they've never been ill.
They don't understand how it feels, they
don't understand limitations in
anyway...and having grown up
with me...Lee..well, they'll never
understand I don't think.
This is the thing with illness, it
doesn't seem to matter who you are, it
can grab you and take you right
down...it can turn your life upside
down and no matter how hard you
try...without the medications, it
just doesn't get any better.
But you know...there are a lot of things
in life that can do the same thing
besides illness.
Money issues, the economy, family
issues, marriage issues..I mean..I
think life can change so
quickly for just about anyone.
But with mental illness..you don't "heal"
like a person with physical illness.
There aren't enough love and kindness
in the world that will just make
it up and go away.
It's something that I have to live
with for life...and this is the hard
thing to bear.
Sometimes I feel like a caged bird..there
are so many things I'd like
to do..but it seems out of reach.
If I do too much...will I become ill?
For someone like me..it's so
hard to live like this..so
sedentary.
But it's either this...or run
the risk of becoming ill..and I try
my very best to stay away
from the hosptial.
No thanks.
Too hard on me..and too hard on W.
It just still feels like this is all
new..but it's not.
It's like everyday is a challenge, my
mind telling me I could do
so many things...there are so many
joys to be had.
But my brain...my poor brain...all
that will make me sick and I know it.
There's nothing I can do about it..not
a thing..except take the meds.
It's really a heck of a thing...but
when I think about it..it could
be so much worse.
So..I try to be thankful...when
the "mood" strikes me.
Aren't I awful lol.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/25/2012 : 12:13:28
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I have to take meds. for bp.
Quells..emmm, it makes me feel like I
get stuck in some crevice of my
mind..and can't get out of it sometimes.
Sometimes I'll be sitting there talking
to someone, and they'll be telling
me about something that happen to them.
I'll sit there and think...wow, how
come I didn't 'feel' something
about that..or did I?
How unlike myself...and then of course
I'll feel a twinge of saddness for
what this strange drug
is doing to me...it worries me.
But the thing is...I went for years
without sleeping right..and this
is the only drug that has given
me this luxury..sleep.
The other drugs...are addictive, or
more like sledge hammers..and
wear off in the middle of the night.
This doesn't...it's extended.
My aunt..she told me yesterday that
she thinks the seroquel has caused
the MG.
I am aware of medications inducing
MG.
It's possible.
But...clons are a joke..don't help, and
ambian is addictive..and the
other stuff just doesn't seem to
work.
And the truth is..that the quells take
the edge off the intensity of my
feelings...and I haven't been in
the hospital once..since I take them
regularly.
When I stop taking it...all hell breaks
loose.
So, I'm stuck taking this pill, and
can't see another way around it.
I don't like it, but that's how it is.
Lithium, anti seizures drugs...they're
nice...but do little to help
me sleep..make my hair fall out, become
toxic and then the doc. freaks and
calls and tells me to stop
immediately.
I have no symptoms when I become toxic
like other people...so need blood
work every month to use lithium.
What a pain in the butt.
But..the faithful quells...don't need
to worry about such things, and
it doesn't make my hair fall out.
And best of all...I can sleep.
I only know that if I have to go
through days with non stop thinking, and
my mind is racing...and I
can't sit still..then I'm miserable.
Break..gas, break, gas...
Don't know what else to do...it has
to be the quells until something
better comes along...if ever.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/26/2012 : 13:35:45
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I don't like being this way..I don't
like what bp does to me.
From they way I used to be, until
now..is one hell of a stretch, and
a lot of it is from the illness.
But I'm just one of those unlucky few
that get's bad side effects
from drugs.
Heck..I even had a seizure from
dental anesthesia...and once woke
up during an operation.
I have a choice..take the anti seizures
and be bald..or take the lithium
and have it become toxic again and
have to stop...or develop calcium
deficiency..take the supplements
and end up with blood in my stool.
And abilify...ouch..tore my muscles
up and talk about a case of bad nerves..ish.
I like how I am on anti seizures, but
man...I don't..don't want to be
bald.
I mean..there is hair everywhere.
In the tub, the sink, my hair brush, the
couches.
It's one thing in theory to tell
a woman to just.."wear a wig", but
it's another for a woman to have
to wear a wig because she's bald.
Man..I've been so frustrated about
this for so long.
Hold out the apple on the stick..I
bite..and things get better..I go
to school...or get a job, and
am amazed at how good I feel...but
my hair falls out in droves.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself..I'm
frustrated.
I hate to admit this...but when I
see a woman wearing a wig, or who is
bald...I automatically think that
she either has lupus, or is
undergoing chemo therapy..I feel bad
for her.
I don't want to be in these shoes...forgive
me.
I'm one of those people that get really
uncomfortable if people stare anyway...so
I can just imagine that I wouldn't
do well with a wig.
And W...tisk, tisk...telling me that a
wig would be OK with him.
Whatever..the man likes attractive
woman..and that's how it is.
He would be turned off...at best.
My niece...precious A, had to go through
chemo. and despite her bald head, she
wouldn't wear the wig..just a scarf
around her head.
Maybe I'm just stubborn, maybe I'm
not seeing the whole picture...it's hard
to know.
I just want balance..I've had balance with
meds., but always with a cost.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/26/2012 : 19:12:02
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This medication thing is really
bothering me worse than I let on.
I sit here and think..what am I going
to do?
I can go on as I am...knowing that
not that much will change.
Or, I can try lithium..in the hopes
that it won't become toxic again.
The reality is...I don't want to
go bald.
But it's just so hard..to get better, to
actually feel like I can live
a somewhat productive life...and then
have the doctor call..and tell
me...no more..it's toxic.
It can't just be my thyroid..it's
my kidneys too.
But the thing is...regardless of
the mistakes..or what this damned illness
does..I have to get to tomorrow, because
I believe that if I keep trying
and banging up against brick
walls...eventually...there will
be that right combination.
I can't tell you how good it felt
to go to school and get good
grades..how good it felt to have
something to look forward to.
And how awful it felt at the realization
that the hair loss wasn't something
that would go away.
And lithium...when I first went on
it..I don't remember..but W says I
slept for almost a month lol.
But when I got used to it...for the
first time in my life...that thing, whatever
it was that was making me
feel so different...so..all over the
place and stuck...lifted.
Within the month..I had a good
job, felt normal, got along really
well with co-workers..and really, couldn't
believe it.
And then a year later..the pdoc calls
and says...don't take another pill.
Guess I was pretty sick..and
didn't even know..the blood work
caught it.
Within two weeks of stopping...I was
right back at square one..just that
fast..lost my job..couldn't function.
Poor W...see, it effects not only
my life..but his too, this
whole medication thing.
Is it woman..are we more susceptible
to side effects..what in the world?
I just need to keep trying..what choice
do I have?
Lithium..I need to try again...I've
heard that peoples system can
change.
What do I have to lose?
Gotta keep trying, keep plugging and
try not to get too down about the
whole thing.
It's not like I planned it this way..this
is just how the chips fall so
to speak.
But throughout it all, I keep fighting, helping
where I can...and went I can't do
anymore, then that's just how
it is.
Maybe the MG is getting to me more
than I think...on top of every thing
else.
It does make me feel worn down and
helpless sometimes, I'd like to
do more.
But I have my limitations, my stubborn
ways when I'm sure I'm right, and I'm
not...and those times
when I am right...and am glad I
jumped in feet first.
I guess...a little bit each day..and
then the next.
It's the only way to live..and I guess
that's how 'normal" people do
it too...that's the only way anyone
can..rich, poor, sick, or healthy.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 06/28/2012 : 12:11:25
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One thing happens..then another..and
then another.
If I'm doing well, I think..wow, what
an onslaught of messes lately, and
then proceed about trying to solve each
one as it comes.
If I'm not doing well, I begin to
feel that I'm in a vice..and can't
get out.
Everything get's tighter and I hold
on..but then..it get's tighter..
And occasionally, I snap..and come
unglued.
My mood sinks...I become paranoid, and
everything starts to spin.
When I look back on it...I can't tell
you how I feel when I realize
that the "thing" that made me
snap...was not a big thing at all.
As a matter of fact...had I been
well, I wouldn't have probably
dealt with it fine.
So for me...the thing to do is to
prevent myself from beginning that downward
spiral...to stop that vice like
feeling..where everything is
getting tighter and tighter in
my head.
The only thing that works for me at
all...is to forget the thing that's
making me angry..or snappy, and
concentrate on the moment.
I'm not allowed anti anxiety meds, or
anything that "takes the edge off".
So man...it always seems to
be a game of keeping my mind on task
and forgetting the rest.
When I can't do this...I end up
doing things I regret.
This is what I hate about being bp..the
regrets.
Am I seeing this clearly..am I not?
What is my state of mind..should I
be dealing with this right now?
Always the questions.
Sometimes I feel so foolish when the
"thing" that was making me so edgy, suddenly
resolves, and I'm thinking..wow, how
nice...now I can breath.
And then I realize that it was out of
my hands the whole time, and there
was nothing I could have done one
way or the other to change the
outcome anyway.
And them, I've put myself through the
ringer for no reason at all.
But such is the nature of being bipolar.
Things get out of balance in my head, and
this is the problem.
I get tunnel vision...and that goal
becomes the primary motivation.
Never mind the fact that I trip all
over myself and others along the
way.
Not feeling good today...I'm so weak.
Woke up feeling crappy, and knew
that it'll be rough..and just thought, I'd
like to go back to bed.
But again, it's my mind doing it to myself.
Is what I'm going to do is go grocery
shopping..which I should have done
yesterday...and get some cleaning done, and
then if we can make it...go
to a party at 7pm.
I don't want to go, don't want to, don't
want to..I'm weak and tired.
But...I'm not going to think about it, and
try to get through the day one
step at a time without getting myself
into any trouble.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 07/08/2012 : 13:12:36
|
I don't know why I deny things to myself.
Maybe it's just human nature.
I deny that I have low level depression.
Guess the real problems is that
I know the only solution to it, is
lamictal, and I'll end up losing
my hair again.
But there's no other solution.
I can't deny that what seemed easy
when I was on lamictal, seems difficult
off of it.
"I just don't want to".
Don't want to clean the house, don't want
to pay the bills, don't want to
socialize..and so on.
I have to push myself everyday, push
to get cooking done, push to
make life somewhat normal around here.
And the hardest thing is to smile and
pretend to other people, that everythings
OK.
But the truth is..and this is the
biggest thing I don't like..is that
I'm not laughing at peoples jokes.
When my sense of humor is gone, somethings
wrong.
I've always loved a good laugh, and
can sometimes laugh for a hour on
and off if something strikes me
funny.
I miss it.
I'm gradually weening off coffee...and
cigarettes.
I was thinking..way back when when I
worked nights for almost four years, I
got into the habit of drinking tons
of coffee.
We all did.
But looking back on it, I felt a lot
better before I developed this habit.
And cigarettes..well, who knows what
they put in the stuff..chemicals
galore.
I'm just getting too old for all of
this stuff..chemicals..bad habits.
Yesterday, my aunt in MI. went on this
big rant about my lifestyle, said
the meds where making me sick, gave
me MG..yada, yada.
Said she'd pray for me.
I get this a lot from my family back in
MI., all of them.
Guess people who take phych meds, need
saving, are inherently deficient?
What is she saying...really?
She'll never get it, none of them
will.
But, I love em anyway.
It's one of those things I have gotten
used to over the years.
We don't see eye to eye on the use
of medications.
It's the funniest thing, they all are for
all the other medications..except
phych meds.
Mental illness is a word I have never
heard out of their lips in.
They're ashamed of people in the family
who have mental illness, and that's
the truth, whether they admit it or not.
It's the big hush, hush subject
that we dare not discuss openly.
I no longer try..because they have
their ideas, and there's no point
in trying to change them.
My family here...used to be like that.
But now..it's all about, man, if the
medication makes you functional, then
why aren't you taking it?
People wonder why I'm so private.
He, he..well, probably because I live
with mental illness...and it's the
one thing you are afraid to talk
about.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 07/08/2012 : 15:24:21
|
It feels so good today, to sit and do
nothing.
W is home..relaxing, and has a stiff
back.
He won't let me put my tens unit
on him..stubborn as usual.
I'm just lazy today..feel like I'm
going to fall over.
Just weak I guess.
But ever so gradually, I'm becoming
adjusted to whatever it is causing
this.
I can honestly say..that between the
weakness, and mental illness...the mental
illness is by far, much more
devastating to me.
I can do a lot, even when I'm weak.
I can improvise...make due.
But with bp and depression, there is
no improvising.
Depression effects my motivation and
outlook.
And without motivation, I feel like
I'm not part of the human race, like
I've fallen off somewhere and can't
find my way back onto the road
that leads to living.
I honestly don't know what I'm going
to do about my future.
MG, or whatever it is...makes it
hard.
I'm scooted out of the way when people
are working...because I'm in
the way.
It amazes me how quickly I've weakened.
But..I'm not going to worry about this
right now.
I feel that..once I start feeling
better on lamictal, this physical
problem will be much more bearable, along
with everything else.
For me..mental outlook is everything.
It effects my relationships with other
people, and underneath it all, as
self sufficient as I can be, I
need other people to be happy.
I used to think that there was some
type of utopia in relationships,
if a person worked hard enough at
it.
But as I've aged, I've learned that this
just isn't true..there is no such thing.
We're all so different, even siblings
who where raised together, can be
so different.
Rather than utopia, for me, it's become
about accepting the differences and
being a lot more tolerant.
But when I'm depressed, this is so
hard to do.
By nature I'm not one of those people
who will pound other people over the
head with what I believe.
But there are so many people in the
family that are very aggressive
this way.
It's so hard to be around them when
they go on and on about soemthing
that I don't agree with.
Does it do any good to disagree with
them? NO.
They know where I stand..but they are
just venting.
All I can do is listen..and that's
the truth.
But my eyes get blurry, my shoulder
tense up and cramp..and my ears start
ringing..
This means..I'm getting stressed out.
When I'm on lamictal...this doesn't
happen.
But you know...I think that's why people
in the family come here when they're
up against the wall.
They know I'm not going to judge
em...but just listen.
I try to give input where I can if
I think it'll help, but sometimes
I can only listen.
That's how I've always been.
But with depression...I'm not myself
and throws everything off.
My aunt and I..we've had some
disagreements, and same with my
family and me..sometimes it seemed
catastrophic..because when I was
younger..and a lot more idealistic..if
that's possible...I'd stick to
my guns because I thought it was
the right thing to do.
But now..at the end of the day, it
all doesn't seem to matter as
much.
Being able to say I love you, is
what matters more..and being able to
just give someone a big hug when
there's nothing else I can
do.
Ya..I want out of this depression, no
doubt about it.
I guess we all have or niche and our
knack.
Mine has always been listening...and
people need that, depend on it.
And I need to be able to talk, without
just "whatever you want is fine" all
the time.
W is really tired of it...I can tell.
All I really know, is at the end of
the day...the "I love you's" are
what count.
I went to lunch with D the other day.
His daughter who's 14, likes a black
kid..and by all accounts, is attracted
to black guys.
I mean to tell you, this has him over
the edge.
He told her..that if she marries a black
man, it would be the end of their
relationship.
OK, you know, I think if someone marries
a black or yellow or white person, that's
their choice..I view all humans as
equal..I mean, what difference does
skin color make?
We're all human and have the same blood
running though our veins.
But I can't push this on D, especially
not right now..it's too intense.
I can only listen..and maybe he'll hear
himself talk..and gradually...
But then again, maybe he won't.
I know a lot of people feel like he does.
But I don't happen to.
But...I'll just keep listening..
It's just one instance of the things
that go on in this family.
Someone has to be willing to just listen.
That's usually me..and it's not an
easy space to occupy sometimes.
Only time will tell.
But..I just don't want to keep coping
with this depression anymore.
I don't feel like me..and things shouldn't
be this hard, when there's a med
to help.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
|
| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 07/08/2012 : 19:03:17
|
I'm trying to stay out of W's hair..keep
yacking at him and interrupting his
sci-fie.
So I went to Walmart..and struck up a
good conversation with an older woman
while we waited in line.
It was one of those conversations that
was so enjoyable...that I hated
leaving.
I could tell, that she enjoyed it
immensely too.
I thought of asking for her email, but
thought twice...
You know why?
It always comes back to the same thing.
I'm bipolar.
How do you explain that to people..explain
why you don't go to work?
To explain that, then you have to tell
them that your on Social Security...and
then they want to know why.
Maybe I don't give people enough credit
for being opened minded.
But I just know I miss out on a lot of
potential friendships (especially with
older folks), because I'm afraid
to make the big revelation.
Wish I could get over this hump.
But you know...so many people, when they
hear the word "bipolar"..take a step
back.
They first have to get to know me..and
I won't give them the chance.
I'm not ashamed..I''m just realistic.
Especially after the young guy
shot the senator.
It made people even more cautious of
those of us who have mental illness.
It's the strangest thing to be in a public
place..like a restaurant, or store, and
over hear a conversation people are
having about others who have mental
illness.
Needless to say..there's not a lot
of tender feelings or empathy going on.
I smile at them..and they have no
idea..that the kind looking tall woman
behind them..is one of the
"nuts" they are talking about.
It's just plain ignorance..that's all
it is..lack of awareness and lack
of education.
Well, anyway, this is why it's hard
to make friendships.
But..I'm sure once I get back on lamictal, it
won't be so hard.
Stigma..is one thing.
But stigma with depression seems
way to overwhelming for me right now.
But dang..that was such a good conversation.
Still wished I'd gotten her email.
But..I've never been a forward
person like that.
I'm sure it'll get better..just takes time.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
|
| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 07/08/2012 : 19:41:14
|
The cupboard looks like a pharmacy.
Acid reflux medication that gave me
a rash..depakote, lithium, buspar, vitamins,
laxative, fish oil, abilify...honestly, it's
pretty massive.
I won't flush them or throw them
away because it's toxic for the
environment.
I need to get down to Safeway..they'll
take them for $5.00 a bottle.
But it's amazing to me..all the meds
that didn't work. When they don't work, it's
a bad situation...stiff muscles, calcium
deficiency, thyroid or kidney problems.
With me..it can't be mild..it's
gotta be bad.
But good old lamictal..out of all the
problems I've had..hair loss..from
a physical standpoint, is the
least of them, and it works best.
I miss Dr. D. The last time I
saw her, W and I where just in the process
of moving, and I was in the
process of a med. change, and
had just learned that Patty had
sold us a home with a lien on it
for back taxes.
I must have blown Dr. D's hair
back with my intensity, explaining to
her how much disdain I have for
thieves and crooks.
I could tell, she was taken back, never
having seen me unleash like
that before.
It must be a hell of a thing to have
a patient respond so well to a medication, to
begin getting their life back
together, go back to school...only
to watch them gradually fall apart
again.
It's a job I wouldn't want for any
amount of money in the world.
I feel a sense of regret..but you
know..it's part of having mental illness..side
effects to meds.
But I am most lucky to have gotten
another low keyed, mellow doctor that
isn't in the least surprised by
the side effects of the meds, nor
my goings ons.
Hopefully...he'll have no objection to
starting me back on lamictal.
The quells have been good for sleep, but
don't help my depression...or irritability.
Oh..now W's calling me..a millionaire
giving away money to a charity...good
stuff.
My legs feel better...and I'm just hoping
that tomorrow will be a bit better
physically for me.
I can always hope.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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Angry that I'm bipolar
