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Mood Disorder Community
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parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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 Posted - 03/26/2012 : 11:44:49
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I can't live my life like other people, can't
have too much excitement or too much stress.
Otherwise, the symtoms start.
What is wrong with my brain?
I'm angry because when the symptoms start, I have
no control over it, and it means that..well, I'm
bipolar.
I have to laugh at myself..most angry when
the symtoms crop up...how ridiculous is
that?
I hear music, which isn't really music at all. It's
some sound coming from somewhere that's getting
distorted in my head.
Scottish flutes...really  ?
It does make me angry...angry, angry.
But I can't do anything about it..what am I
going to do, scream?
No, I took extra meds.
I do wonder if something is getting cross wired
in my brain.
I have to live my life as sedately as possible
because too much of any one thing
is too much. I may like it..excitement, music, art
or challenge...but my brain doesn't.
This is what I tell myself all the time.."Be
careful and take it easy".
Yep...that's about it...otherwise the
symtoms happen. My life has to be boring, I
have to make it that way and keep it
that way...I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to think sometimes...I only
know what to do...take my meds, keep
everything quiet...and get moving.
Focus outwardly...and above all, try not to
take it too seriously.
This too shall pass.
Hurt will become bearable over time.  |
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 03/26/2012 : 17:01:38
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| lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
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Posted - 03/27/2012 : 17:51:08
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This might make you smile Linda,
while in hospital,
the lady in the next bed had a pump on her leg
to massage blood flow.
In my head, it sounded like my son saying Mom, mom, every few seconds,
I knew it wasn't him but not at first.
I came close to calling home. to check on him.
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| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7607 Posts
Gratitude: 912
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Posted - 03/28/2012 : 06:04:15
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I haven't been dx bipolar but I get where your coming from. I feel the same at certain times.
I too cannot get over stressed or it brings on symptoms for me as well. I get paranoid and anxious and I can't sleep well. My whole life has to be quiet as possible.
I also feel that I can't live a normal life because I am stuck on pills that require me to sleep 12 hours a day. I have to arrange everything around the pills, including my hours at my job. I literally work until 7pm and I'm in bed by 8:30pm.
Some days I get so mad and frustrated that I have to live this way but in all reality I have to in order to stay mentally healthy.
Your not alone parrotputz. Hope your feeling a little better today.
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/28/2012 : 11:27:21
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Stigs..
Hurt will become bearable over time. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/28/2012 : 11:31:55
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Lynn...so..it's not just me. Ya, that's
exactly what happens...it all gets mixed up.
I'm just glad you didn't think your roomate
was calling YOU mom lol.
That would have been a little confusing.
It feels good when someone understands.
Hope your healing well, inside and out .
Linda
Hurt will become bearable over time. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 03/28/2012 : 11:44:26
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Thank you Chelle. I'm feeling a bit better.
The doctor upped my dose of seroquel, and
my sleep has improved...it makes
all the difference.
Wow, that's a lot of hours you put in at work.
I don't know how you hold it together, but
I think you do a much better job than
I ever could.
I never had kids, and can't imagine the juggling
that you do with your time, emotional energy
and keeping the symptoms managed.
I can only give you a big high five for
doing so well.
What can we do, except stay regular with the
meds. and keep it boring. I'm like you, too
much activity and I unravel.
I don't like it that way either, but at
least we're holding our own.
Sometimes I can only say, thank goodness for
meds.
Thanks for dropping in..I hope your well
today.
Hurt will become bearable over time. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 04/04/2012 : 13:03:45
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I'm feeling guilt ridden this morning.
I blew my top at W yesterday. I woke up and
didn't realize that I was irritated and
edgy..right from the start. The reason
isn't important...and maybe I was
justified in it...but didn't have to behave
that way.
W had the day off and kept asking me what we
where going to do. I asked him, what do you
want to do?
If I say..let's go hike, or let's go to
some art galleries or the art museum, I know
after 22 years of being with him, that he'll
give me a reason not to, or, twist his
face up in such a way as to let me know
the full extent of his torture lol.
When we get there, he'll bug me about
spending too much time in front of each
exhibit.
So, once we where in the car, I headed downtown.
The trip down there was awful, and someone
in a big white pu almost sideswiped me, making
it worse.
I was "being negative". By the time we pulled
up to the museum, he said he didn't want
to go..so I turned around and headed home.
But man, did I let him have it.
Told him I have a right to my feelings...tired
of everything being about him, for him.
He told me to pull the car over, he's walking
home..I called his bluff..so he decided
not to.
Man...what a mess.
He's not used to me saying what I think and
not backing down.
I didn't yell, but told him exactly what I thought.
And I wasn't nice at all.
But so much of it is true, it really is.
I was so mad, that I wanted to pack my bags and
move back to MI.
I realized, I have to make my own life. We're such
different people that I can't expect support
from him...not for the things that matter
to me.
He can make my life hell..and after so much of
it...I disappear and forget where I went.
Am I nothing more than a disabled wife
who cooks, cleans, pays bills and
waits on him hand and foot?
I get so afraid, because I am avoidant..hell, I'm
afraid of myself..and that's it.
I'm afraid of a life outside of him, but his
protection comes with a heavy cost...a loss
of myself.
I can paint..and have to find a way to do
it without being unbalanced.
I need to be who I am..and as long as I keep
denying myself that...I'll never grow.
I dont' have to leave him to grow.
The truth is, when I left him before, he
lost who he was...and I can't and won't
do that to him again.
We're inexplicably connected to each other
after 22 years..in more ways than
I probably fully understand.
I told him I was sorry..because my behavior
was rank and far from constructive.
Why does it take getting angry for
him to listen, or understand that I'm right
here beside him...and have needs too?
But honest to pete..I can't back down to
him, or let him manipulate me all the time.
I matter just as much as he does.
My life is my responsibility, and it's up
to me to find my own satisfaction in
work.
I need to get there without anger, and
with joy in what I'm doing. I deserve that
and so does everyone else.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 04/04/2012 : 15:32:59
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I need to talk to W tonight, if he gets off
work at a decent hour.
I hope he will tell me what he's feeling or
thinking.
Somethings been brewing in him lately, and
whatever it is leaves me feeling as though
I've done something wrong..but I don't
know what.
We need to clear the air, and reconnect.
Honesty...it is a healing word.
W called, and we told each other I love you.
We both took the personality test from one
of the links someone here posted.
It was revealing. I'm the "idealist".
He's the "politician".
I don't know what that means exactly, but
can say that I probably have a tendency
to expect him to share my same ideals...and he
can manipulate me very easily.
Maybe that's it. Honestly...I want so much
for him, I always have...but why is it that
I want for him, something different than
he wants for himself?
Not good.
Money is good, but I don't believe it will
ever buy him happiness.
In my old age..will I say.."I'm happy because
I stuck to my ideals"? Or will he say, "I'm
a happy man because I have money"?
I think having someone there to hold my hand and
all the good memories that where shared, and
LOVE, is what will matter...warm connection.
To me..this is a life lived well.
But, bills do have to get paid, and heck
no, I don't want to end up destitute.
mmm, mmm, mmm...cleaning and shopping time.
Enough for today.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
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Posted - 04/30/2012 : 12:14:16
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I can't tell you how sorry I am when I lose
my temper.
I let myself down, and I let others down.
This damned illness...it sometimes plays with
my mind..and at times, creates doubt
about all that I deam to be reality.
But, it's not just the illness that created
this catalyst to anger.
It's judgement from others, everyone judging
everyone else. It even leads to war, and
murder..and all the other bad things
that afflict us...it astounds me
when I look at the whole of it.
For the most part, I can't and won't share
my deepest griefs or sorrows...because
it's not in me to do so.
I grew up being mentally tortured by my parents
and their constant emotional and
mental sickness.
I told myself at a young age, I will
never do this to another person.
Everyone, and everything in my life was
fair game to them...no matter my feelings
or how much I wanted something..their opinions
ultimately ruled.
I was left friendless, except
at school, no one measured up to
their high standards.
The real deal though...was that they owned
me..my thoughts...and there was no
privacy, nothing that I owned emotionally
that couldn't be ripped away from
me.
They where too sick to know that when
a person loves another, or God, or
whatever is in their heart..it should
never be ripped away..because it
causes horrible scars and distrust..and
numbness that I struggle with to
this day.
How unfair it was of them..and what scars it
left..what confusion it created in my
mind. What was this thing called the
human race, and how could people really
be that bad...when I saw so many that
where good.
I knew it was sick, and I knew it was
backwards...I lived in a boiling pot of
sickness.
Now, I see things differently.
I don't care if I believe as another person.
From what I see..what does it matter?
Do the food banks ask a person what their
religion or nationality or their sexuality is before
deciding whether to give food?
It's never my place to judge..yet, I'm left
with this mentality that tells me everyday
to hold it all inside.
I will not torture others as I was tortured.
Even if I do have an illness, it's my
illness, and my decsions.
Why should I let it spill over onto
them...and hurt them, or cause them
pain?
I can't find the middle on this issue.
The only thing I know, is that honesty, complete
honesty with myself is what's necessary
for me to be myself.
It can't be about pointing the finger at
others...ever.
How sorry I am for the times that I have done
so...very sorry.
But I feel that what I learn from day to
day, has and will continue to make
me a better person.
Lackluster...probably. I just don't know
how else to continue on...except without
the judgement of others.
On the token...it's occurs to me that as
I take that honest look in the mirror, and
see who I really am..that I be fair
to myself in light of my own illness.
Judging myself too harshly is also, not
cathartic to growth.
My life saving grace, is that I truly
feel love for others.
My achilles heel has always been how to
express that...it takes trust doesn't it?
My mind is sometimes not right, and I
still see mirages that aren't there..or are they?
Still, it doesn't mean I'm crazy.
It only means that I need to constantly
do reality checks...in the mirror, on
a daily basis.
Life has to be about my mistakes, righting
those, and learning from my weaknesses.
It's never about the other person..they
are responsible for their own
life. If our worlds collide, it's not
their weaknesses or mistakes that
I want to see or dwell on.
It's the part that I played in that
collision...and it's only in looking
at this, that I can learn.
Anger, resentment..jealousy..it's all
for not and serves no purpouse at all.
I take my regretts and sorrow, and try to
learn from it..and wish and pray
for everyone that struggles as I do.
I guess that's love, and to me that's
what it's all about.
How I wish for more, how I wish I could
undo so much of what I've done in
my life..but I can't.
I can only move forward, one step
at a time, and leave the past to
the past and move forward from here.
This is how life flows, it doesn't stop
and neither can I.
I don't feel like it..but I have to pick
myself up and keep moving.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 04/30/2012 : 12:36:02
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.
.
.
.
. . . . .
This is what I saw hovering above the neighbors
house the other night. The strange thing, is
that I thought nothing of it.
What was it? I have no clue..it moved around
slowly, and then disappeared behind a
tree.
I didn't bother telling W, just like I don't
bother telling him a lot of things.
I have a long ways to go in this thing
called transparency..don't I?
But...he'd just think I need more meds.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/12/2012 : 12:33:20
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D was over yesterday, and in his typical
fashion, was being pretty direct.
Of course..he doesn't see it that way
because to him...everything's pretty
black and white.
You either make a decision that you'll change
something, quit something or
reach a goal...or you don't.
On the plus side, he's really softened over
the years..and has many, many good
traits.
Yet, our conversation was one that I think
is so typical...and really a reflection
of the varied attitudes concerning
the need and use of medication.
As a society we are overmedicated..hmmm, yes, I
believe this is true.
Yes, we want a quick fix..a feel good
remedy that will take the pain away, physical, mental
or emotional..yes, it's true.
In a sense, he pinned me into the corner, perhaps
without realizing it.
He told me that had I lived 100 years ago
and worked on a farm...I'd be so tired
that I'd...well, be fine.
Maybe he's right. But here's the thing..that's
not even close to my reality at this stage
in my life.
So, I clued him in just a little.
I told him that I've had suicidal thoughts
since I was 17...and couldn't really
say why..except that I " didn't feel right".
I told him...I'm lucky to be here, when
I took 32 pills, I simply intended on
going away...no emotion, no planning, I
had simply had enough.
If I decide to "quit medication", those
thoughts come back very quickly and
overwhelm me.
I don't know why...I only know two things.
#1. Those thoughts will come back without meds.
#2. If I take the meds, those thoughts go away.
So...I asked him..what are my options, and what
is the responsible and reasonable thing
to do...everyone and all things considered.
He agreed...don't stop the meds.
OK, yes, this was drastic..and overly honest
and yes, it was intended to hit an emotional
chord in him.
But that's what it takes, it takes helping
another person become "emotionally aware" of
"why" I need the meds, or anyone
that has to take them to avoid
the consequences of becoming overwhelmed by
their illness.
Is it possible that I'm sensitive to environmental
toxins and am poisoned Possibly.
Is it possible that my head injury contributed
to my demise..ya.
But there's nothing I can do about the causes.
I can only do something about treating
the illness that I have.
To me, it has to be that simple, because
if I try to start skirting around the
issue...I will begin to rationalize
why I should not take my medications.
Well, I don't like those kinds of conversations.
It doesn't make me feel good.
But perhaps...over time, it's something for
D to think about.
At my last session with my doctor, he suggested
that I go off seroquel. I don't know
if it's because it contradicts pyriodistigmine or
what.
But I told him..this is the only med that
allows me to sleep that is not addictive.
And, since I've been on it...I have not
been in the hosptial..as long as I
take it consistently
So I guess the answer is no from my point
of view.
I get afraid that it will have long term
effects, because it's a relatively
new drug.
Maybe it'll make me retarded, and yes, my
memory is horrible.
But...I don't want that monster of mania
and depression to overtake me.
I've thought about so many things in regards
to taking this med.
But at the end of the day, it works for
me...and without it...I do things I regret
and don't think straight.
So...that's my spill on taking this
med.
Sometimes in life...there are no choices.
I take this med, and live..all be it
in a nontypical fashion...or, I
stop the med., and cease to function at
all...end up in horrible pain, and
ultimately die.
I know this is a direct way of stating
the obvious, but it's a truth that many
people with mental illness live with
and they know it...right down to
their core.
There is no quick fix..and even if I was
in top physcial condition and still
ran...I think the illness would stil
be there..standing on top of me like
a damned truck that I can't possibly
lift.
The horrible thing, is that no one else
can lift it either...I have to
make responsible decisions..so does my
mom, so does my sis.
For us, that's life.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/22/2012 : 12:55:03
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 There is no such thing as "strong".
Parents who raise their children to be
responsible for them, are doing them
a horrible injustice.
The child grows into a person that doesn't
know how to fend for themselves or
reach out for help when they need it.
They only know how to help others, not
themselves.
And when mental illness presents, God
only knows, they will need it.
Reaching out for help and accepting it
are two different things all together.
Accepting help, and trusting others enough
to LISTEN, are key ingrediants to
stabalizing.
The illness has to be treated first, and
then life can be lived.
I can't live life...and expect that any
successes will "cure" this illness.
It doesn't work that way...it never will.
Suicide sucks, pain sucks, and it's
awful to go through it, and see others
go through it.
But..it's not impossible.
THE ILLNESS NEEDS TO BE TREATED FIRST.
Then good things will follow.
My heart aches...why does mental illness
have to be so secret?
Why do people push themselves to the
point of breaking before they get help...they
are afraid of being stigmatized.
It's all a vicious circle in life..without
the right meds.
Only then can it get better.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/22/2012 : 14:40:49
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I'm taking my own advice.
I need to reach out for help.
A merry go round of meds is not good.
I need a solid foundation, otherwise I
will not be secure with my
own bp illness.
Whatever the physical deal is..it'll have
to go on the back burner.
BP has to be treated first.
This is going on too long..and I know
my moods aren't stable.
I need more stability mentally.
Everything else will have to wait.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/23/2012 : 12:59:18
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Doubled the dose of Depakote..with
doctors OK.
A phone call was all it took.
Need to get myself right upstairs.
My outlook is indeed everything.
Had a short conversation with W last night.
Apologized for my recent evasiveness.
My head hasn't felt right, somethings
amiss.
So, like everyone that gets into a tangle
by trying to figure it out themselves..I
can only say..one step forward.
The legs may be buckly..but if I can keep
this mind of mine in tip top..that's
half the battle.
Feel like crying..am thankful, and
worried at the same time.
Worry is my middle name..with a capital W.
See part of my beautiful family tommorow, a
graduation...the kids are growing up
so fast.
But what good kids they are...it does get
better with each generation  .
We live, we learn..and then if all goes right, we
let it go.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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| parrotputz
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1521 Posts
Gratitude: 1055
|
Posted - 05/30/2012 : 13:32:04
|
First and foremost, I need to have medications
that work.
Without that, I can't make any progress anywhere
in my life.
I think, when I'm medicated properly (yes, it's
hard to say..medicated), I can choose
how I think about things.
I've made a decision to try and look at
things differently.
I think how I look at my life, how I view
the world, is paramount, and makes
all the difference in how I feel.
It is freeing to know that I have
that choice.
No, it will not happen over night.
But it can happen.
If I become ill, and it all falls apart, which
has happened, then what....
And life's disasters..there seems to
be no end to what life can throw.
But..I've put myself into all the
"what if" situations and have come
to one conclusion.
If I allow myself to become angry again, I
hurt me.
But, if I view the situation as a learning
experience..and an opportunity for
growth..I'm certain I can make
it through fine.
Inward growth...letting go of anger, and
allowing myself the freedom of choice, the
freedom to choose forgiveness..love, tolerance
and patience.
If I can develop that mind slant that
allows me the freedom to say..hey, what
I've been doing hasn't been working..now what, then
I've helped myself tremendously.
OK, so I got sick...I've gotten sick
before..what can I do that's different?
OK, so someone wronged me horribly...but
you know what...I will give myself the
freedom to forgive them..and grow
from it.
After all, we are all only human.
I got a lot done yesterday, one plug at
a time.
Today, I am suffering for it..and feel
as though I'm in slow motion.
I find myself becoming frustrated and
agitated about it.
Putting myself down because I feel
useless.
But somethings wrong with me..and the
reality is, I really can't go.
I need to be kinder to myself.
I have a feeling that over time, this
will allow me to be kinder to
others.
We make mistakes, we get sick, we
get wronged. It's part of the
human cycle of life, and there is
no way around it.
How do I choose to handle these
situations...that is different than how
I have handled them before?
I choose to understand that I'm human, nothing
more, nothing less.
The world doesn't revolve around me, but
how I feel matters.
I choose to give others the same
patience and tolerance that I would
give myself...they are just as human, and
can get just as mixed up as
I can.
I choose hope..that I can change and
eventually be content with who I
am..and over time..happy, regardless
of the illness.
I choose to want to change, and have
been trying for quite awhile, to
wrap my mind around this..and incorporate
it into my life.
It's what I'm left with at the end
of the day..for this old body of
mine is letting me down thoroughly.
My happiness will have to come
from my head and my heart.
I'm left with no alternatives.
The road may be steep...but I believe
I can climb it...one step at
a time.
I have no other alternative.
The true person lies beneath the skin. |
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Angry that I'm bipolar
