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Mood Disorder Community
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yinyang
Super Member (250+ posts)
370 Posts
Gratitude: 27
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 Posted - 02/23/2012 : 16:23:31
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| I feel like I just have nothing to loose right now. I hate myself so much I don't even like looking in the mirror and I want to just cut my skin off, it's become an obsession. I resent my husbands presence because he wants me to be happy and loving and it makes me want to disappear. Everybody wants something from me and I want to just curl up by myself and die. I spend hours on the internet researching it, trying to come up with a fool proof plan. In the meantime I have to go on this big family birthday weekend and pretend to be happy and normal and laugh in all the right places. Pretend to care and then say goodbye. |
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| lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
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Posted - 02/23/2012 : 18:19:26
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Yin, I know the feeling.
Being stretched too thin.
What I felt besides despair was anger.
Suicide, is major anger turned inward, I think.
I was taught that is was OK, to create boundaries, to say NO, and stand by it,
To not be everything to everyone, It's exhausting.
I learned this through therapy.
I learned it was OK to stand up for myself, and, you can learn this too.
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| Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115
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Posted - 02/23/2012 : 18:41:10
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I know how your feeling YY! I have been to the bottom of the barrel recently myself. I hated everyone and everything. I had to just give and give and give until I was so resentful of the whole situation. No one gave back. I just wanted to end all this crap! I felt very self loathing. I hated everything about ME! It gets really ugly after this. I had some one at the hospital who was my angel from heaven sent. I sat with her and talked until I could talk no more. They changed my dosage of meds that I was on. This helped me a great deal. I was skipping days too taking my medications and that didn't help at all. It hurts to feel like this I know.
Is there someone other than your husband that you can talk to?
I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less! |
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| rattly
Super Member (250+ posts)
752 Posts
Gratitude: 61
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Posted - 02/23/2012 : 19:37:38
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Hi Yin, it sounds to me like you have issues with self image. I've suffered for years with low self esteem and poor body image. I'm not sure there's any permanent fix but there are therapies that can help minimise the crushing effects it has on you. I've had C.A.T and found even though I still have moments when I completely hate myself inside and out I equally have moments when I'm able to stop jumping on the scales, stop starving myself and actually enjoy food and the relationship I have with iIs there any chance you could ask for some therapy which could turn around your way of thinking????? It's tiring when you feel like you do, I'm not surprised you don't feel like you can do a weekend of birthday celebrations. Could you come to a compromise with your husband......maybe explain to him how you're feeling, maybe agree to go to the gatherings but instead of having to feel overwhelmed by staying the whole day, how's about agreeing together that you could just do a couple of hours thus relieving the stress of feeling you have to stretch yourself thin. I dunno, I'm just grasping at ideas.
I do hope that you can find some peace right now.
Nat xx
BE STRONG FIND THE POWER WITHIN AND DEFEAT THE MOMENT. |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
82944 Posts
Gratitude: 2519
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Posted - 02/23/2012 : 20:22:45
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Hoping a sense of balance return to you real soon Lisa!
Love and positive thoughts of you as ever, David
Friendship is the greatest gift all...
methinks! |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
82944 Posts
Gratitude: 2519
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| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7607 Posts
Gratitude: 912
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Posted - 02/24/2012 : 04:49:47
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Yinyang, I'm so sorry to hear your not feeling well. Have you been under stress lately? I know the feeling of being obsessed. I take things out on my hair and have cut it all off before. May be time to call Pdoc, see if you can get in with him. Can you cancel the weekend?
Thinking of you....
 |
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 02/24/2012 : 12:05:33
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when you have nothing to loose you have everything to gain
note to self mind your own buisness .i know better
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| khaz
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
8301 Posts
Gratitude: 872
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Posted - 02/24/2012 : 13:35:50
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Ying Yang you need to ring your doctor or pdoc...this is the illness...I know you feel so low...but please to talk to your doctor.
Lets fix this but fix it with the help of those who know how to help.
Sending heaps of Love
Sue |
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| lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
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Posted - 02/24/2012 : 13:42:46
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Thanks guys, on behalf of Lisa.
Hang in there Lisa.
It's not your time. This problem is fixable gal.! |
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| Rainbowfish
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5628 Posts
Gratitude: 637
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Posted - 02/24/2012 : 16:08:23
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Lisa Please update us! Please be strong and fight, you
are a wonderful person! Get the help you need NOW, whether
it's a suicide hotline, a hospital or a doctor. We care.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss
~RAINBOWFISH |
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| yinyang
Super Member (250+ posts)
370 Posts
Gratitude: 27
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Posted - 02/24/2012 : 17:35:12
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| Thank you everyone for all your kind support, I appologize for not having written sooner, but I've been drowning in this birthday weekend. I feel like an observor and a fraud. Plastering this smile onto my face and laughing when appropriate makes me feel even more disconnected. I don't have a p-doc and although I've made repeated attempts to find one, nothing has panned out. To be completely honest I don't want the kind of help a hospital or doc can give. Nothing ever amounts to anything and the looks of contempt etc that the nurses have is just too much. I did talk with my mom today, she wanted to understand a bit better what's going on. She said she'd miss me if i died, but it's my choice, and she hates to see me in so much pain. I don't think she had any idea before today, and it's a relief she won't be angry with me. I appreciate everyones support and for letting me pour out my soul here. |
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| chelle25
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
7607 Posts
Gratitude: 912
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Posted - 02/25/2012 : 04:55:06
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
82944 Posts
Gratitude: 2519
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Posted - 02/25/2012 : 16:20:59
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Delighted to observe you are hanging on Lisa...
Hopefully to have become to realise it makes sense when you think seriously of the alternative, where there is no coming back from same! David x
Friendship is the greatest gift all...
methinks! |
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| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
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| warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
112498 Posts |
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