Patientnurse
Starting Member
6 Posts Gratitude: 3
|
Posted - 10/14/2011 : 16:57:23
|
Major depression with psychotic features, that's my label. I'm on venlafaxine, Quetiapine and lithium (as an adjunct antidepressant). I recently got diagnosed with early stage cervical cancer. I've been reducing my meds by myself, though in my defence the shrink did say I was on too much....which is vague permission?!
I'm a psychiatric nurse, due to insight and me begging I managed to stay out of hospital. I have always hidden some things from my doc things that I know make me sound crazy. When it's really bad I just skip appointments!
So my meds are reduced and sure I've noticed symptoms coming back and now this whole cancer thing.....I can't help thinking if I leave it......would that be such a bad thing? At least an end would be in sight, at least the voice in my head constantly telling me that I want to die would quieten down a bit.
But on the other hand I want babies in my life, it could be a good excuse for refusing treatment.
My head is a mess! The very few friends I have keep telling me to up my meds that im starting to sound ill. I'm confused. I'm so stubborn I don't want my meds up,'I hate the weight and I hate to lose the progress and if I want a child it's bad for baby.
Can anyone help me make sense of these thoughts a little? I can't tell my doc it makes me sound unwell and I cant risk his reaction to that! |
|
loggedin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3838 Posts Gratitude: 324
|
Posted - 10/15/2011 : 02:01:34
|
Can anyone help me make sense of these thoughts a little? [yes, a whole lot in fact. depression and coupled with stubbornness is one nasty opponent, isn't it]
I can't tell my doc it makes me sound unwell and I cant risk his reaction to that! [Perfect! you don't have to risk his reaction, because you're going to talk to someone else. If he doesn't know, fine. If he does know, it shouldn't matter; it's called a second opinion; and any doctor - or other professional who has a problem with someone getting a second opinion knows he sucks or they'd have confidence in their own opinion]
I've been reducing my meds by myself, though in my defence the shrink did say I was on too much....which is vague permission?! [vague permission?...in your defence?...you know it's wrong, don't you - that's a rhetorical question] [and oh, yes: your shrink said you are on too much? Well, what the hell is he going to do about it! Come up with another plan, or leave it as an open-ended question so that his medically-educated depressed patient might just come up with a plan on her own You NEED a second opinion; or rather, someone to do it right. but here's a non-professional opinion. How about a medicine for depression other than the seroquel that doesn't have the side effect you hate so much. My guess is that a new doctor can help you reduce the seroquel at the proper rate...etc. I'm assuming here that the weight gain doesn't help the feeling-good-about-yourself part of your depression, right?]
I recently got diagnosed with early stage cervical cancer. [Caner - totally stinks, big time. Early stage part - good; it's treatable and there's a good chance you'll live. I know living isn't the thing that sits best in the mind of a depressed person - oh, yes, I do know - but feeling like you want to die is the depression talking]
So my meds are reduced [they're not "reduced" - you reduced them] and sure I've noticed symptoms coming back [that's why you're confused and having trouble making a decions] and now this whole cancer thing.....I can't help thinking if I leave it......would that be such a bad thing? [death? yes; bad thing. Remember your medical training. And i know you don't want to die because you're asking for clarification and help] At least an end would be in sight, at least the voice in my head constantly telling me that I want to die would quieten down a bit. [three things here: wrong medicine, wrong medicine, and wrong medicine] But on the other hand I want babies in my life, it could be a good excuse for refusing treatment. [yes, an excuse. rather than a good reason] I don't want my meds up, I hate the weight and I hate to lose the progress and if I want a child it's bad for baby. [a dead mother isn't so wonderful for baby either]
My head is a mess! The very few friends I have keep telling me to up my meds that im starting to sound ill. [they're right and you are;but you are going to fix it]
I'm confusedI'm so stubborn [Stubborn? Great! start taking your damn pills again and live. Do it for you. Do it for your friends. Do it for your patients - who you truely care about. Start right now. Go take your pills. And call a new doctor today. I know depression, so if you don't call a new doctor today - though sooner is better - then do it tomorrow. But everyday you put off calling a doctor is another day you'll IMO be on the wrong medicine and another day you'll be gaining more weight. So be stubborn in the right direction and FIX IT!FIX IT!FIX IT! or i'm going to climb through this computer, grab you by the shoulders, and shake some energy into you! - ask one of your friends who all care about you to do it!] |
|
Patientnurse
Starting Member
6 Posts Gratitude: 3
|
Posted - 10/15/2011 : 14:16:58
|
Damn you make alot of sense! How do you do that?! Im trying to be objective and think if I was one of my patients what would I tell myself? And you're right at the moment trying to get rid of my meds and their side effects is not the right time. I need to get through the physical stuff first and then review.
Im so terrified of admission to hospital. Strange really because I work in one! I think maybe it is more fear of the 'grapevine' no matter how far away they send me all NHS people seem to know each other! My ward staff would find out eventually, and they already freaked out about my illness once, some even nick name me 'mad mel' took a long time to shake the stigma.
I don't actively want to die, but I'm open to it passively, there's a loud thought in my head telling me I want to die all the time, it's not the truth, I don't 'want to' but it tempts me to refuse treatment and let the cancer develop and do it's job. I couldn't admit that anywhere but here it feels such a relief to actually say it out loud!
What is it with the medical profession that makes it so hard to question them? I could talk to my GP, maybe he would help?
Thank you so much for helping me clear my thoughts a little! |
|
loggedin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3838 Posts Gratitude: 324
|
Posted - 10/15/2011 : 22:09:22
|
My pleasure.
I'm sure you know that saving your life is more important than the "grapevine".
Get help for yourself. And keep us posted, whether with feelings, questions, and/or events
Leo |
|