Somedays I really wish I wasn't so confused. I've known for a long time that I am attracted to both men and women. At 18 I met my future husband and we were married two years later. He's always known that I am also attracted to women. Early in our marriage I would be with women while my husband watched. There was one girl I actually think I fell in love with. She wanted me to leave my husband but I had made vows and my 'choice' was made on my wedding day. Added to being bipolar I sometimes feel like two different people. My sex life with my husband is horrible (for more than just this one reason) and I often feel like something is missing in my life. My husband doesn't mind if I were to go out and have a sexual relationship with a girl, even when I said he wouldn't be able to watch anymore. He says he wouldn't consider it cheating. But is it? Even I don't know. I met a girl at a gay bar and we hit it off, but when she found out that I was married to a man she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. My best friend came out a few years after I got married and she since got married to her girlfriend and is now getting a divorce. There are times when I am so jelous of her because she can be who she is. The biggest problem is that I don't even know who I am. So how can I ever feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm not even sure who or what I am? I think someone decided to play a joke when I was created, and thats how I feel. Like one big joke, except I'm not laughing.
We all make choices. And sometimes, particularly if you are young..it feels rather confining. I would suggest that maybe you married young. Once, you are happy and content with the person you are with...that your sexuality isn't in the forefront of your thoughts. It matters but not as much as loving the person you are with.
Experimentation is just that. You probably like both sides of yourself...and that is good. BUT...we have many sides of ourselves outside of our sexuality. I have always likened it to opening a can of worms. Once they are out...then they are out.
Arnold Swartzeneggar loved women. He loved to lead them on and cheat. He also discovered that he could marry into a great family and lead a great life. The were mutually exclusive but still he wanted what he wanted. It isn't like he changed. He did not. (read his history of old)...he just had to make choices.
No one is perfect. We have all sides. As we age, we determine what matters most. Yes....having more than one sexual relationship while married is cheating...in my mind. BUT....it happens...as our body is not a legal contract.
Consider what you want in life. Recognize that growth personally is hinged on making good decisions and then sticking with them...even when faced with VERY appealing options. We can't work for two companies at the same time with loyalty. (especially competitors)...and in the same way it goes with love. It is hedging bets.
If all you think about is someone else...or anyone else...then you see you reasons. If you can build what beauty and potential you have with your husband...do that.
I don't mean to sound like an advice columnist...I just say that what you describe isn't limited to love relationships. Sex is a great thing...nature meant it that way. Perhaps exploring something intimate with your husband is a good choice. If you can not feel anything for him that way...then you are relying on him for something other than love. Maybe a father? A caregiver? I don't know...just think...and explore in your heart what it is that you feel.
I will leave my thoughts with a last comment. With every decision we make we are faced with the results and outcomes. Carefully weigh what it is you gain from your marriage and remember that sacrifices are made for love. What kind of love do you have and where is your heart residing. I am sure you will find your way.