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Mood Disorder Community
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Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
 Posted - 05/30/2006 : 19:23:21
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Hello. I am a male diaganosed with MAjor depressive disorder by my physician and (via his recomendation) seeking psycological intervention (currently still in the "tell me about your childhood" phase). I feel my malady was brought on as a result of my divorce, some 10 years ago. I have battled to remain optomistic and even natured with poor results (generally). The fact that my wife betrayed me (classic: with my best friend), I feel I could deal with. It was the seperation from my kids and the rancor with which she has attacked me and the lies she has told them to justify her behaviour I find to be extremly agregious and painfull. These attacks have been witnessed by my current wife and friends that have come in contact with her ( not being paranoid). Contact with my kids is often painful as it feels like I am having my nose rubbed in the fact that I am "replacable". Its a no win situation for me. They are happy - reinforces my redundancy or they would be sad and then I would bemoan there circumstances. Overall; pretty crappy.  |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 05/31/2006 : 00:50:22
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Dear Paladin
It's been made pretty clear to me..just how expendable i am..to some that I love very much...the grief is overwhelming...It has been 5 months since I lost the grandson I raised for 3-1/2 years...I still cry for him every day and for the loss of my baby grandaughter and son as well.
Betrayal by those we trust and extend our hearts to is not something that is easily "snapped out of" I am so sorry for the cruelty you have suffered by those you held close.
Their lashing out sounds more like a defensive maneuver because their little dung hill stinks...They must know what they did was wrong or else they wouldn't try to cover it up...
That being said...it probably doesn't do much for you...My husband made up a quote the other day " a bitter root is a bitter root no matter how gingerly you chew it"
Take care of yourself...have a date night with your wife maybe...Anyways some positives to balance out the unfairness and suffering that someone else's poor behavior has caused.
Grammy |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 05/31/2006 : 14:44:47
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My apologies to you mam, and I can certainly relate. I've kept trying to forgive their behaviour (perhaps you are not there yet) but each new afront just seems to make all the more difficult. I can't understand hate... never have and don't want to. So I don't understand hers to me. Witnesses have said that she "does not want me to be happy". She even went so far as to tell the kids and my wife that I told her that I'd get back with her in a minute if she would have me ( I'd sooner turn homosexual! Which would never happen.... not that their's anything wrong with that LOL)I didn't realise when I got with her what a narcissist she was or how needy. I took extra care in selecting my current (and last) wife.
I guess that is the crux of it. It would seem that we all are in awe of how cruel and malicious this world truely is... regardless all we can do is learn, forgive and move on. Regardless of how difficult that proves to be. |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/01/2006 : 05:11:09
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Hi, this is Sasha
Would it help to view your X as just a pot hole in the road of life that you can back up and run over again and again.
I'm having trouble letting go of a situation too. Not a divorce though.
Somethings seem to easier to let go of than others. Lately I have been realizing how angry and bitter I am about the situation. It has really done a number on me.
Don't let your X victimize you. Maybe talk to your kids about it.
Take Care Sasha
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/01/2006 : 05:18:23
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Grammy, Hi its Sasha I like the saying of your husbands. That certainly is true.
I hadn't realized how bitter and angry I was about my situation at work until lately. I have contacted my counsellor and DR. to help deal with it.
I seem to have an awareness problem about my true feelings. I think I also minimize problems to make them seem easier to deal with or unnecessary to deal with.
How's it going with you? Hope you are doing OK.
Take care Sasha
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/01/2006 : 08:32:12
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Sasha!!!!
I was wondering where you went I thought maybe it was the frumps..we all seem to take our turns being quiet in here when we're frumpin or processing.
I'm glad you're getting some clarity for your situation...It's hard having depression...and holding every event up to speculation..because we can't trust our bodies to allow us to feel things in perspective...I'm glad you worked this one out...each thing processed is one less thing that torments us when we are depressed.
Glad your Back!!!
Grammy |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/01/2006 : 08:43:18
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Dear Palladin:
Have you ever heard the term "altar dance"? It's a term when someone does the unspeakable....and like you, don't want to hate...but move on ...You throw it up to God and it comes right back again...yours mine...yours mine...a little dance like a hot potato.
For me it would be easier to let go..if they didn't keep wounding me over and over again...especially when I tried to show nothing but kindness...for such a long period of time...even when they didn't deserve it...I figured my perspective was off because of the depression..I found out that people can be horrendously cruel...even to someone that extends them nothing but kindness.
If you ever need to vent...we're here for you...with kids you may have a long standing battle of ups and downs...I hope your tool box is full...if not...we'll share ours lol
Love Grammy |
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| LLOliverR
Super Member (250+ posts)
977 Posts
Gratitude: 6
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Posted - 06/03/2006 : 19:34:22
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Hey Paladin,
Welcome to the group! Sorry that the ex is cruel and delusional (that you would take her back--HAH!). It's really bad news that you have to put up with her since you have kids, but that's the deal you've been dealt. How old are they?
Anyway, maybe this will brighten your day a bit. At least I hope so. My parents are divorced. (That's not the part that's supposed to cheer you up.  ) For the longest time my mom worried that my brother hated her and blamed her for the break-up even though my dad had a girlfriend BEFORE my mom even moved out and the girlfriend was staying at OUR house and sleeping on OUR couch and going on vacations with us ALL BEFORE MY MOM MOVED OUT. My brother was 10 or 11 at the time, so he was plenty old enough to know exactly what was going on. (I am 9 years older than him.) Heck, even the neighbors knew. It was disgusting and revolting and it's a wonder we are all one big happy family, but we are and if anyone says there are no miracles in the world today, I beg to differ.  How this applies to you is this: kids aren't blind or stupid. They know what's going on and maybe your evil ex is telling them crap and they 'might' believe it, if they are young enough now. But even little kids know crap when they smell it. They will know you are a good person and they will still love you and, if your ex doesn't "straigten up and fly right" eventually SHE is the one who is going to lose out on a loving relationship with those little ones. Fortunately and remarkably, after I had a nervous breakdown and ended up hospitalized my family seemed to "straighten up"--not completely by any means--but quite a bit. Believe it or not, but we actually have Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners together: my family of four, my mom and her boyfriend, my brother and his girlfriend and her kids and my dad AND the girlfriend who used to sleep on our couch before my mom moved out. I know it sounds like something from a soap opera, but it's true. I wouldn't believe it, if I didn't live it.
Take care and good luck to you, your kids, and your wife.
LL |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2006 : 16:02:52
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My thanks for your empathic responses, you all almost have me in tears... which is a BIG part of my problem. You see most of my life I wanted to be Mr. Spock (the vulcan). I realized that emotions were the icing on the cake not THE cake.
In my late teens early twenties I wanted to be a shrink, I displayed exceptional abilities in this area and I wanted to help people. It was likely in response to a desire for greater self comprehension and to right some of the wrongs in my life by being there for others (I was abused by elder brother sexually between 10-12, it wasn't debilitatingly traumatic but certainly a betrayal of trust, and a disruption to normal development).
I clashed with my mother repeatedly (she had told me at about 8 she regretted ever giving birth to me, soon there after she stated that if I didn't smarten up she'd put me up for adoption - in her defence, I was a change of life baby, thus unplanned and as I have just learned I am very ADHT - obviously that would make me somewhat difficult for a woman to deal with - plus my father was a alcoholic and she wasn't getting much from there). Regardless, they didn't divorce which conditioned me to believe that no matter how tough things get you stick in there - Kathie (wife 1) came from a divorced family - her script was wayyy different.
I recall being about 13, VERY bored and wondering what my future kids would be like - not exactly normal for a male. I was never very socially successful, I was a big brawny kid and smart. I was very difficult to pidgeon-hole. Plus I didn't learn much in the way of skills at home. I always felt off balance in school.
By the time I was 19 I met Kathie, she had a young son (1.5 yrs) who she could barely handle. This answered all my sub-concious needs. I could ride in on my faithful stead, rescue the damsel, prove my love and win the ready made family I craved. I excelled at behaviour modification and developmental psych so it was pretty easy getting the kid in control. She was exceptionally bright (the only person I ever lost a arguement to - up till that point), very manipulative and a master of one-upmanship. She seemed to have a cloud of guys following her everywhere - which appealed to my competitive spirit. I had little sexual experience so I was pretty easy pickings.
AT 24 I became a direct Dad, I was blown away holding my little girl in my arms (here come the tears) all I could say was "wow". I thought come on dude this is a momentous occasion. You HAVE to do better than wow. My next thought was "wow" again. Mentally I through up my arms in disgust and amusement - I was totally smitten.
Andrea slept on my chest for her first 9 months (my wife encouraged it - I was afraid I'd roll over and cruch her (the baby). She told me I don't move a muscle all night when she was in bed with us. So I did, We bonded something fierce.
2 years later Kathleen and came and very soon thereafter The youngest daughter (Chrissy). Around Andreas birth we began to go to church (I was a staunch Socialist/Humanist. Got tricked into a Apostolic Bible Study by my brother (the offender). I couldn't shred its doctrine or the Bible so... being rationally responsive, I attempted to divest myself of my evil ways (pot smoking - evidently self medicating the ADHT I was unaware of)and moved into a much more ethical sphere. Kath took to it too (actually she grabbed onto it while I was still trying to refute it) and I felt that this was what we had been missing (and it was) and that we would be a much better couple (we were). I felt immune to concerns of divorce (Dumb!!) Life was finally looking pretty good.
Soon thereafter I began to feel a call to become a preacher (melding of my previous desire to help people and my new awareness of things spiritual). I was still swinging a hammer, earning decent money and living the dream baby!!
Fathers Day of my 30th year, Kath began her affair. 2 days later she came bounding into bed, waking me up, told me of what she had been doing, whom she had been doing it with and that I could have the kids for a month while they got a place. Well, long story short, 2 months later, after doing everything I could think of to correct this situation... she asked me to leave. The kids wanted to come with me, but I had no where else to go but my parents which was 80 miles away (which BTW we have a GREAT relationship now). 1 month after that I was visiting my kids, had them at church. They were in their Sunday School rooms and I was in the Sanctuary. My Pastor called out "I AM Blessed" from the hymnal and I couldn't make it passed the second verse. I busted up and determined then and there that I was pissed with God (HE is still telling me that I am angry with HIM... I'm trying to work that out).
I soon found a girlfriend ( I just needed someone to counteract all the vile things Kathie was smashing me with - major mind abuse there) and she made money in a very unhealthy way - I didn't care.. I just wanted to be held while I fell apart. Soon I got into crack to try and numb myself into oblivion.
that lasted a year and that was ten years ago.
Andrea is now 17 (18 in june) she was bounced at the border at Christmas time (Canadian) for insufficient documentation and had to stay behind (for 7 years now I've lived in the US), she has since become pregnant but wants to be here ASAP... that should be in about 5 months or so... due date is 3rd week of OCT. SHe is determined to marry BabyDaddy, I've expressed my concerns but will stand behind her decision...
The other 2 daughters think Kath is awesome, she is mainly their friend. If they wanted to get their belly buttons pierced at 12 she was all for it. Within the last 3 years she (and my kids)have gone back to church (I don't approve of it.. its better than nothing,... but just). She hasn't changed a lick despite being a cell leader and supposedly praying a hour a day. I hope I don't sound bitter, I pray for her and them all... I've even asked GOD to not hold a thing against them (He and Her) on my account. I've even asked HIM to bless them.
Bottom line: I'm tired of hurting and I wish I could feel better than I do. In 10 years I've made very little progress. My wife deserves better (She is awesome). But the highs arn't very high and the lows are pretty bad. I'm still highly functional.. I just have all these emotions I don't know what to do with. Rejection is always personal now and crushes me. I'm pervasively lonely. I've gone from a type A personality to an appeaser. I'm losing major self respect and I have a pretty massive inferiority complex.
What really sucks is how much I miss my kids... I never felt so alive as when I was a full time dad. Now I don't even get a call on my B-Days or fathers day ( I HATE that day). And I miss people who don't exist anymore; they are not 11, 7, 5 and 4. My brain understands all of this but my heart doesn't have a clue... I've been raped in a way I can't describe and I can't seem to come to grips with it. Don't get me wrong I have tranquil days more often than not... but the memories and desires never leave me.
My wife and I hope to have kids... no luck yet (parting gift from Kath was a vasectomy,,, didn't have the money until 2 years ago to reverse it). We've thought of adoption too.
I hope I havn't been too transparent... just wanted you to understand
Peace
G |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2006 : 16:06:21
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| WOW! Talk about verbal diarrhea!!! |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/06/2006 : 00:05:18
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Hi Grammy, thanks for missing me. I'm not sure where I was. The Frumps seems to be a good name for it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my situation and how well I've been handling things. Some of what I've been thinking about is how unaware I've been about how well I've been doing. I really thought I was doing ok. When I look back over the past 6 mos. I now realize how poorly I've been doing. I spent most of Jan and Feb in bed. I never went out of the house except to buy cigarettes and food. When I look back on that I can't believe I didn't think that I needed to go Mental health or the DR. I thought well, I'll get through this and I'll be OK. I've gone through all of my vaction for the year except for 4 days already. I have 5 weeks vaction.
I didn't see that if I was feeling that low that it wouldn't be OK and that I wouldn't get that much better. Then I remembered that they told me at one point that if an episode lasts more that 2 weeks I should go to the Dr. or come for counselling.
How can I be so unaware of my state? Is it denial? I think that I tend to minimize my true situation so that I can pretend that I'm ok.
That things aren't really that serious so that I don't have to deal with them maybe. Is that being too hard on myself? I don't know.
I accepted the fact that I have a lifelong illness, but I don't think I have accepted the work that has to be done to function on a daily basis. I don't know!
Some times too I just don't get it. My counsellor tells me "To take care of myself". I just don't get that. I don't know what it means to take care of my mental health or physical health. I might get the big picture but I don't get the mechanics of dealing with it daily.
Sometimes I think I do understand but it seems like grasping air or water, it just slips through my fingers. Then I blame myself for being stupid or lazy.
What I learn today, tomorrow might seem like it has no relevance.
At work today my managers did an intervention on me. At least that's what it felt like. Basically they told me to get help and improve my attendance or I will be fired! They did it firmly and kindly. I think!
I have six warning letters in my file about my attendance. If I get a seventh I will be fired.
They told me they were there to support me but that they still had to do their jobs. The also outlined the resources that are available through the company. The problem is I'm not sure I trust the Company help.
I have other avenues to go down. I can contact our MAP (members assistance program) that is sponsored by my union. I am more comfortable with that.
The problem there is that the person in charge of that has retired. I don't know how organized it is right now.
Also they told me that I need to get a mental evaluation immediatley from a Psych and provide the company with some documentation to back up my situation. I've given them official info in the past but they want an updated version.
That't fine except I have to wait until Jan/07 at least to be able to get an appointment with one. In a city of about 80,000 people there is only one or two here in the mental health system. They are very overworked.
I've been very frustrated with my situation and how to cope with it.
The Psych I was seeing up until april of last year has left so I have no one right now.
I'm left going to my family doc. who is new to me and the times I see him I feel I can't get through to him the reality of my situation, how precarious it is.
Then I think well it must be me. I must be overacting to my situation and making a mountain out of a molehill about how sick I am. Am I just one of those Hypochondriacs who thinks everything is wrong with her?
So tomorrow I get a form from the company and have to go to the Dr. to get it filled out. The new Dr. I've been seeing is away right now. So his partner is filling in. I saw him today and the upside is he seems very nice. I have to go to him and explain the whole situation to him. This really pains me. When I get stressed out and wound up so tight inside I have a really hard time talking about my feelings and situation. Plus my unawareness of my true situation makes it hard.
I feel like saying "Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?"
I feel like I've been stuck in the same place for a very long time.
Anyway, here's a crow story for you. Enough about Me, myself and I.
My sister got a bird bath last year. This year she noticed that she was getting a lot of algae build up in it. So she decided she had better clean it out and try and see what the problem was.
So she's mucking around with it and what does she find. A dead snake in it. She said it gave her the heebeejeebees so bad that she almost threw up. Then she took the snake and tried to throw it over the fence. Of course it rebounded at her. Luckily it missed her or I don't know what she would have done.
So how did the snake get into the birdbath! She figures a crow who has taken the birdbath over was having it for lunch and got distracted and left it there. Writing this is giving me the heebeejeebees. Yuck! and double Yuck!
So time to get off here and get to bed. Thanks for listening. Hope you are doing OK. Sasha. Sorry I'm so long winded tonight.
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| sasha
Super Member (250+ posts)
821 Posts
Gratitude: 63
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Posted - 06/06/2006 : 00:38:23
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Paladin, I personaly don't think you are being too transparent. It helps me to hear others situations and I hope it helps you to talk about it.
You sound like a very good, loving father to me.
Life is so complicated. I too was a church going person for about 18 years in the evangelical side of things. I even went to bible school. I thought I knew all the answers and had it all figured out.
Then I met my boyfriend when I was on a serious downhill slide (I didn't realize it at the time), and thing went from hell 1 to hell 2.
I quit going to church. Partly because I was so messed up and partly because I was so ashamed to be living with him.
The relationship was doomed from the start I think now. I knew he had some problems and thought I could fix him. The result was we
both went downhill all the way and hit the bottome pretty hard. He ended up comitting suicide. I have a hard time forgiving myself for not living up to my religous expectations and for not being able to save him. I am just realizing this now. It happened 8 years ago and I am finding I still am dealing with the fallout and don't know how to. I thought I had dealt with it, but some of it keeps coming back.
My view of God is that He loves me and wants the best for me. My trust and faith in God is another thing. It hurt very much leaving the church. I have realized though that I believe very much in God and Jesus Christ but I don't believe in man's religion anymore. Not that it is all bad. I just can't cope with some of it. I guess I've become an Agnostic. It's OK but it still hurts. I am very bitter at myself for not being a good christian and living what I believe daily. I can't live up to my expectations. I was not brought up in the church. I have a friend who was and she seems to have an easier time with it. On the whole though I feel like a total failure.
It helped me to read what you wrote about your church experience. I feel more comfortable sharing mine.
I read back what I wrote about your X being a pothole and realize that it was not very tactful or sensitive of me. I apologize.
I don't really know why I'm writing all of this to you, except I hope you can relate to some of it. I find some comfort in what you
wrote and hope you can find some comfort in what I wrote.
Take Care Sasha
Sasha is my dogs name. |
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| grammy
Super Member (250+ posts)
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2006 : 12:56:41
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Hey guys
Great to be here, but having a hard time talking today...big time fatigue...pain...depression...so far so good seem to understand the place I'm at and trying to get through it the best I can.
Chemical imbalance is such a pain in the rump....I am taken back by the honesty that I see here...totally relate...totally understand. Someone I really admire said that when we,"confess our faults one to another" we can be healed. and "you cannont heal a wound by saying it's not there. I don't believe that perfection exists in this life...its meant for another place...another arena...but not here and not now...what I call "Religous Perfectionism" is a "cultural phenomenon" not a spiritual one. I also believe that people that spend their lives "pretending" perfection, but only sweeping their deficits under the carpet are sad...and they not only lie to world around them but to themselves. How does one find happiness by pretending they are something, they are not...How does one grow...if they cannot self reflect...How does one make life choices if they are too afraid to admit that they can make poor ones? How much dirt can a person sweep under the carpet before the dirt starts creeping out around the edges.
It may seem easier to you...that someone raised in a church fairs better in conducting life matters....perhaps it is a learned behavior from childhood....there are many useful tools gained in a childhood like that...but to believe that one can lead or experience a perfect life (personal beliefs here) can hold any person....religous or no...from growing as an individual...and the distance that is created when people try to ignore that we live in a hurting world...is injurious to those who are going through serious life trauma...
The honest person that understands they have "warts" ...embraces...and then learns from those warts...to me..stands a far better chance of leading a productive meaningful life than anyone who lives a lie...
Sasha/Palladin...I hope you always see and walk in the truth of who you are and where you are at every moment of every day...There is no shame in weakness and seeking clarity about oneself is truly commendable in my book...
Hugs & Squishes Grammy |
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| Amie (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
746 Posts
Gratitude: 5
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Posted - 06/06/2006 : 13:42:25
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Hi all,
Sasha I think that it is normal to not realize until after the fact that we aren't doing well. It can be hard to be objective about oneself. I had greatly reduced my eating and looked like death warmed over and I didn't even notice it for years. Others had to point it out to me and I also saw some photos that clued me in.
You will probably thank your co-workers later. Getting a kick in the butt can be good for us.
There are books that tell us specifically how to take care of ourselves. Like the anxiety and phobia workbook. It tells you to do things like have a nice bath. Smell something nice. Get a massage. Go for a walk (with a dog or child is best) Go see a movie, even if it is by yourself. Go to a greenhouse (that's my own idea). Call a friend. Lay on a blanket outside. Go for a nice dinner. Read a book curled up in an armchair. You get the idea.
You seem to be quite insightful about yourself. And that was a nice quote from the Chicago song.
Amie |
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| Heatherzed
Full Member (100+ posts)
241 Posts
Gratitude: 5
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Posted - 06/06/2006 : 13:51:26
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WOAH, big long posts.
But I read all of all of them, and they are very interesting and relevant.
Also, hello to you, Sasha, Grammy and Paladin, I don't think I have said hello to you before, so there you go 
I found these posts very relevant. I have a situation at work at the moment whereby I am precariously balanced. I too have had far too much time off and it has not gone unnoticed, and now it is payback time for the boss. I have a meeting with him Thursday afternoon and hopefully I can continue in this post; if not, then I really do not know what I will do. Have to hunt for another job, but I tried that one summer before I started this research I do now, and it was impossible and really demoralising. Applied for 40 jobs and didn't get one, what a joke. And, I am one of those people who did what the teachers said at school and got my qualifications...some good that did me.
I was also interested to read about your views on the church. I am having a bit of a spiritual overhaul currently, but have not made any final decisions as yet. I keep swinging from the point of becoming a christian to just settling for being an agnostic, as I have been I suppose for years. I totally relate to the thing you said, Sasha, about believing in God but having no faith any longer in man's religion. That is exactly how I feel.
It's great to know there are such good people on here who think the same way I do and can understand some of what I feel.
Heather |
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| Paladin
Starting Member
37 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2006 : 16:03:43
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Well, to finalize what I was saying before... I started out in my own construction company about 2 years ago (after Ivan or was it Dennis??) Annyhoo, I had a buddy to help me get it going (we are both carpenters, I am the MUCH better estimator) long story short, I got him off the ground and increased his income by about 2X, he subsequently stole a few of my contracts, poisoned a client against me (cost me 20K to get out from the project which prevented me from court action.. yeah, he really poisoned me... although the client wasn't too stable. Found that out too late.) Altold with lost wages I lost about 70K.. well didn't LOSE it, I know where it is.
That's pretty much my life in a nut shell.
AS to the God stuff, I'm Spirit Filled (still) and the only way you can really mess that up is by blaspheming the Holy Ghost... Came close but didn't cross that line.
I have no patience for religion, its a ring through the nose and a spike through the heart. But I do believe in RELATIONSHIP. I do go to church (sporadicly... got to work on that) and can't see a way to make it without it. Scripture is pretty clear on this. But if the teaching goes into areas that I know arn't scriptural I realize I am now listening to opinion, if you respect your pastor it is likely an Informed opinion. It is absolutely necessary to read your Bible and pray. Without that it is impossible to make it as a Christian.
In light of my ADHT and depression it is MY Opinion that GOD will take this into consideration, but only so far. Have I continued to struggle or merely laid down (both). Do I keep getting up regardless of the thousands of times I've been knocked down (so far yes) do I seek to forgive, live peacably, be gracious, be generous, uplift and educate as I am presented opportunity? ehhh Generally (lol) Does this guarantee me tranquility and happiness... Nope but it sure has done a number on my guilt. THAT I used to carry around by the truck load.. but if I'm gonna do ANYTHING for GOD I first have to accept HIS sacrifice and realise that as HE hung on a cross my life, my actions and attitudes were known to HIM. Nothing I've done or said has suprised HIM... yet still HE has offered me salvation and forgiveness.
If you are Agnostic, consider the cost of the cross and ask yourself, "If I had made such a sacrifice, would I let it end there?" WE were given dominion of the world and charged with keeping (dressing) it. That still holds true. GOD can only get truely involved in our lives by invitation. If you fell HE won't get involved (DANG!!! Now you've gone and got me preaching to myself!!!!) He can't - not in a truely exceptional way. He can knock but you have to answer. Repentence is a miraculous thing.. we can even ask HIM to help our unbelief.
I am being killed by degrees, even though I am weaker, I realize it is my own doing. I cannot control my life but I can control how I choose to react to it. Even though I have yet to figure out how to WAIT upon the LORD I ain't going down without swinging and GOD willing I WILL keep getting back up and remind the devil "You ain't so bad" (imagine Rocky vs. Crusher Creel as I say that).
I havn't gone through all this to go to hell. I have carried a cross and I don't see an end anytime soon (Yep, I've even considered suicide MANY times... for about a second or two each time... I ain't doing Satans job for him). As much as I love my wife and accept that I really am blessed; death still would be a blessed release.
I think you now know why.
Thanks guys, this is helping (and I didn't cry once!!!)
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Newbie with a 'tude
