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Loosing Control...Staying On Top!

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Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 03/29/2011 : 05:30:57

Perhaps this is a good topic for those of us, that have struggled well to keep on top of their depression; but find them selves at a loss when our little worlds start to fall apart..."yet again"

I'm usually good at getting motivated in tough times, but suck when things fall apart. I am up and down quite a lot, but rather than peg myself with other dis orders & skirt my main battle with depression itself...I'd rather face the more confronting issues of identifying what's actually leading me to loose control and leaving me feel miserable and totally exhausted.
___________________________________________________________________

That's it for now.......SLEEP is important, so I best be getting some of that!..............lol...........irony there hey! The first thing is to get back into healthy eating and some physical activity...I started taking some pills a few says ago, because I had given up taking the previous steps that had kept relatively level headed and my anxiety lower than usual....but...the quick gain in weight, lack of fitness that has very quickly ensued, is something I know for a fact, that will lead me into a deeper pit....such is the resulted effect of self reliance on western medicine...bla bla bla

DISCLAIMER........I am not into pills to regain control, however if you feel they are solving your problems, then you don't need to enter into this thread...otherwise, if your on the pills and still wanting constructive feedback from me, then post ahead.......I'm sick of being ridiculed for my desire to steer clear of doctors and their miracle medicines. So on that note......no offense intended and I'll try not to take any.

Emotions!!!!! loosing control of my routine has led me into feeling pretty sick emotionally...like being nauseated. That terrible feeling you get when your sick. You feel like your dieing, your life force is being sucked out of you in a way that weighs you down heavily. The more you go down, in some attempt to throw up the sicker you feel and the harder it is to get back up!!!!!!!!

Often I will black out......or a few weeks to a month goes buy with all kind of damage being done!!!

My ups and downs over the years with depression have been hard on my family and so forth. As the years roll by, there always seem to be yet another expected hard road to take with an uncertainty that could leave us in yet another pit. I'm sick of complaining about it in the social thread...so am simply writing my thoughts here, for any other who is facing similar cross roads, yet fights hard to stay on top.

Time to get back on top, or at least get a hold. A hold will do quite fine! Sounds like a plan.

Until next post.................get a grip but don't wait for me...reach for the next level....I'll be along shortly

Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 03/29/2011 : 13:30:22

OK...I'm up early...That's a good start to coping I guess. I'll let you in on a secret guys...My step Dad is a, or was a.....Doctor. So don't let my perceptions on the Medical professions and all it's wondrous drugs.... put a dampener on such things...particularly if they are really working for you. OK...moving on....

The real issues.....Some of the things I've been able to identify of why I have slumped like so......a wife that does not want me (everyone is getting sick of hearing that one...none the less it's very important to me)...An uncontrollable teenager with suicidal attempts....and recently being assaulted by my wife.....The list goes on from there....but the point being....The first two despite my efforts to strengthen my resolve and get through the basics of life without feeling nauseated have simply continued to wear me down.....which has added to various trigger for my wife to act on her own loss of control.......

Now not wanting to be written off here as over analyzing........It's important to point out here That only by facing these very hard things can we begin to clear our heads and begin to make sense of whats keeping us down.

So whilst you don't really need to know what's going on in my life...I'm only sharing it in the context so that others can see how I am trying to cope with my very despairing situations and rise my self above it, or at the very least, stop myself from drowning in it.

SO...........without focusing too much on the specifics of the events themselves.......The very fact that I have acknowledged these 3 hard to face but "simple realities"......is a good step and also helping me to snap out of it!

Finding the desire or will to even face such things can be hard. I agree fully! Most of us if not all of us....all can see what's going on, but are so distraught in what we see,,,,we just give up before we even get started. I guess when the resulting heavy weight of depression and all it's "side effects" take their toll...we either go down another level until there is no more and the only way is up....or we just keep feeling sorry four ourselves....OR feel nothing anymore but waffle on with pitiful excuses...leaving the control to others who write us off and simply keep tabs on us with the usual check ups and so forth.... Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Thank God I am up early this morning! Going to hit the treadmill for some real recovery......My desire is not to change what is out of my control, but to feed what little dignity I have left.

Often its the pattern that needs breaking...even if I am still living in a tense situation. The constant giving in over a long period of time does not do much for the equilibrium......I figure if I have worked on myself for a good length of time.....that when I do give in, I should concentrate my on rewarding myself for the effort in reaching that point in which I did fall down, and that the more times I get back up over a longer period of time....that I shall only build a stronger resistance to all the BS in my life, thus creating an equilibrium that need not get depressed to a point out of my control or irretrievable.

Yadda Yadda...........lots of soul searching and all that......gripping and clawing......whatever and whenever.......hope your all doing well............never give up......it's helping me to share what I can, so thanks for listening!

Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 03/30/2011 : 03:04:14

Whatever...leave you to your own devices...batteries and all

jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
Very caring Very wise Very honest I agree

Posted - 03/31/2011 : 00:25:55

Twice now, my detailed reply has been deleted. I am unhappy. Rest assured I am with you...and following. I can not rewrite my long replies another time.

Soon.

And you know, that I understand your issues. No need to sell your ideas with me, or your methods. I know your burden.

Keep your spirit high. I admire you..even when you are down.

Love Jody

Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 03/31/2011 : 03:51:29

Thanks Jody...My delivery is just mine...its the way I dish it out...I do it for my own benefit I guess...I've been in such a rut of late. Thanks for your encouragement!!!

I'm back outside doing some fencing and prepping the veggie patch for some winter crops. My grocery store friend popped in to sell some avocados for me and offered up one of his farms for me to live on.

Would be ideal and right up my ally, however still have one kid to see out high school and the like...none the less, its nice to know there are still some good people around willing to help!

I am feeling nice and tired tonight...like I am going to get a good night sleep instead of dreading to go to bed for fear of tossing and turning all night...It's also nice not to feel guilty about not doing my excessive exercise routine, as I now embrace the next jump into the garden routine.

This jumping form one to the other is something I am sick of becoming the focus point of others and myself as well...The only reason I do it, is because I'm sick of living in such a small confined space and having to live up to the expectations of whatever politicians are in of late........

Grrr....OK...meaning to keep my spirits high......I start my course soon and no doubt despite my feeling good during the information session and all that.......I'm feeling kind of tense about the social interaction there and so on....but I know I can do it.

I don't really like the formality and roles I have to do in the toast masters and am in fact thinking it might be the very reason I will give up on that...keeping minutes...times and all that jaz.....very tireing like when I read...bit off more that I can chew there I think,,,but will see what happens.....

So, now that the running has become to mundane and something I will no doubt go back to as the cycle round spins...Its good to be back outside and letting my whiskers go a little

I think I will even break out the camping gear again and go hiking as well.

Thanks for your kind words Jody..........

jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
Very caring Very wise Very honest I agree

Posted - 03/31/2011 : 18:52:33

I believe in you Dave...always will. Don't get down...just remember that what we dread and hate the most is often the thing we need to deal with first.

You sound anxious. Stuff with work and jobs always gets a person down.

Try not to give up on toast masters...it brings you out of urge you have to keep away from others that are different from you.

I have to do the same.

Be good, you know I always think of you most days. and well, besides Leo, Lynn and maybe Searche, you are in the select crowd.

MT is a select crowd I guess.

Love
Jody

Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 04/10/2011 : 03:33:33

Thanks BIG TIME Jody

Diesel
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

5266 Posts
Gratitude: 115

Posted - 11/12/2011 : 09:30:33

Dave I know you don't like doctors, meds and such but can I be brutally honest. Cipralex has really changed my life for the better. It's not some bogus BS. It's for real. I would be six feet under if it were not for this medication.

I admire your honesty Dave. I am glad I have found a friend in you!

You are my friend forever, no matter what happens!<3 Diesel

I just want to be happy and healthy. Nothing more, nothing less!

Davekyn
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2412 Posts
Gratitude: 166

Posted - 12/05/2011 : 23:10:49

Sorry I found this a bit late Diesel.
I do respect the need for medicine...forgive me if I come across one sided on the subject. I have also found a friend in Medicated and don't want to put any new friends off because I am coming across Bias on the subject.
Meeting many of you as I have has really been a big boost for me...
You have been very kind to me Diesel....THANKYOU!!!