Most of the time that I get angry it is at myself and that is when my mind turns to self destructive thoughts and I fine those black thoughts in my head and the only way it seems to get rid of them is to inflect harm to myself where it's cutting or burning have not done that since I stopped smoking. It seems that no matter how much my brain tells me it's a stupid to do this I still do it.
I understand, Jerry. When I inflict physical pain upon myself it temporarily deflects the inner pain that I cannot bear. So much guilt and self-hatred. When I self-harm I somehow believe that I deserve to be ugly and that I must disfigure myself. We must learn to love ourselves, flaws and all. Somewhere in our pasts someone demanded perfection from us that was impossible to live up to. The harder we tried the more we were punished. And it was wrong to do this to us. They were choosing from there own ignorance and suffering to pass it along to us. We need to heal ourselves, I have many wounds, they run very deep (and I'm not talking about our physical scars). If you have a Therapist I encourage you to engage with him or her. Or find one who understands and knows how to help you heal. I cannot afford therapy so I use the lessons learned when I did have a caring therapist. Bottom line: we must love ourselves and do things that make us happy. Ignore that inner voice that tells you how stupid you are, how stupid you look, how uncapable you are......they are all lies! It is hard to squash the voices, they are relentless. But we replace them with new ones. Put up affirmations on your mirrors, fridge, computers, calendars, cork/message boards. I use bible verses because it's important to me that I see our Creator as a loving Being, not the one that battered me, told me how aweful and bad and useless and horrible and disgusting and worthless and stupid and ugly and clumsy I am.
You are capable, I am capable! You are beautiful, I am beautiful! You are safe. You are loved. You are strong. You are healthy. You deserve to be happy. You have friends and I am one of them.
Yes when we od or such it is because we are angry with our selves...so they hospitalize me until they can show me I am worth loving.
When you see a negative....most people make mistakes....all sins are equal in the sight of God....so keep the wrong change or yell at a little old lady...its all the same.
You are worth loving probably no one told you...it was their mistake.
It is a slow process...like turning a big ship in a narrow channell...one degree at a time.
TRY and see what you do....well.
Getting out of bed. Eating. Keeping clean. Saying Thank you
All these things seem to help to raise my self love.
Forgive those that were mean to you....put them in a golden castle and leave them on a beach....and dont go back and visit...move forward.
Good luck Jerry.
I was angry at myself for my drug and alcohol use...so with help I stopped but each day is a new day.
I was angry that hubby left me with a broken ankle for 10 days because i was drunk when I fell....I was angry with us both...but I forgave him and now I don't drink.
The anger is with myself
Posted - 09/03/2010 : 08:47:16
