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Mood Disorder Community
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jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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 Posted - 08/22/2010 : 12:29:31
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Hi Everyone.
This is my first post and basically an introduction. I don't have experience on forums or blogging, and tend to be pretty much a private person. Over the past couple of years, I have realized much to my dismay that no matter how much I deny it, overcome it temporarily, or live it daily, that I experience debilitating depression.
In the past year, I have experienced things that I would wish on no one...but before I begin, I just want to give a little of my background. I am looking for one or two people that I can really relate too because unfortunately I am a giver that finds it much easier to help others than work on this debilitating disorder that has almost taken over my life.
I am fairly well educated, I got my Masters in Business and Nursing several years ago. Living in academics is a wonderful hiding place for me. I still am working full time, and I hide my condition from others fairly well. i would say that with the exceptions of a few friends that I don't let anyone know how much pain I am in. That one primary exception in the past year has been a teenager who I grew close too, he listens well, and up too a point we were good for each other. He is fairly sociopathic though (yes, diagnosed), and I am getting drained by him more than he is giving at this time.
If I had to say what is wrong with me...and I would only say that here...
1. I have a growing depression, that appears resistant to therapy. I have felt and acted quite suicidal several times in the past two years. I just stop living except for work.
2. My mind has slowed down to the point of just barely functioning. I have very little short term memory, although I can work, but it has affected my job too. It was not until I took that cognitive test here that I could confirm that I am a mess. I did think it was in my mind until then.
3. I do not relate to others anymore and it is getting hard to even try. While I have not been on the internet much, I am beginning to feel like it is easier than people. People just want things from me. And due to the teenagers that have been living with me and the distant family who barely cares about me, I am rather isolated.
4. I am growing more anxious, although it varies daily. I feel bad about it.
For now that is my introduction...I would like to make some friends.  |
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 08/22/2010 : 13:41:28
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I guess I am looking for someone to give me some hope...because I have suffered from recurrent depression so many times, and as far as I can tell, it is sucking my intelligence away as well as my ability to have any FUN.
I don't have any pleasure anymore. And it has been so long, that I have forgotten what it is like.
Yesterday, I went to a Jack Johnson concert with friends, and honestly I didn't enjoy one moment of it. I just faked it.
Does anyone else just live by faking it? |
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| Rainbowfish
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5628 Posts
Gratitude: 637
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Posted - 08/22/2010 : 17:00:15
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Welcome to MT Jodartha! We already have much in common, I was hit with a deep, dark, bottomless-pit of depression about 5 years ago. My memory was so bad I thought I had early alzheimers. Part of it was health problems, menorrhagia was depleting my iron so badly my organs, including my brain, did not have enough oxygen in them to function properly. My doctor said I barely caught it in time to avoid blood tranfusions.
But unlike you, I have pushed any and all friends away, sealing myself into a cocoon of comfort and safety (so my mind thinks), only emerging as needed to function for work. I put on what I call my 'mask' so that I can function, it's also like an actress, the role I play is for my survival, literally. I became unable to clean or face my demons. Maybe I have just gone too many years with unbearable stress. I have had heartbreaking events, one after the other, for almost 30 years strait.
I am currently fighting to regain my life back. I have found this site to be most helpful. I would welcome the opportunaty to help in any way I can and to just simply be your friend. Glad to meet you.
And light at the end of the tunnel? I just try to survive the journey for now.
RAINBOWFISH |
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| davidt
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
82944 Posts
Gratitude: 2519
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Posted - 08/22/2010 : 17:24:55
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May I too offer you the hand of friendship Jodartha
And hope you get to like it here, David
If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 08/22/2010 : 17:55:45
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Hi Rainbowfish.
I had already read your profile..and knew instinctively that we had much in common. But maybe that is the case with others too.
I look forward to getting to know you as I have in the past year and 1/2 slipped into a comfortable isolation because no on understands how hard it is for me to function. It is draining and painful to talk to people about most everyday things. It seems boring to me to talk about the trivial crap that others seem to focus on. For me, getting the energy to clean my house, manage the mess that my adopted teens leave, and keep up with the necessities of bills and food in the house, seem like more than I can handle. I have REALLY declined in recent months.
Unlike some here, I have been very reluctant to notice that i get depressed over and over again. Slide into a reclusive state where I can't bear even being around people. I manage to keep my spunky kids around as they aren't particularly judgemental and give me a laugh or two.
I also am very reluctant to take medication and therapy because I have found that long term treatment is like being weak to me. Not even a month ago, I could not find a reason to live. It can be so painful without even having anything happen. I just feel no joy. No anything. I lost most things that matter to me over time...and now I just have been getting rid of people that are sucking the life from me. It seems that there are plenty of people that will take what little you have and given nothing back. I am looking for someone that cares as much as I do. Because as far as I can tell, that is the only thing that does make me happy. I guess I am dependent on others getting some joy now.
I mean, how many people can say that a part-sociopath (who knows how much) is a great way to be happy? It is like a trade. I give to him, he gives to me, and I know that he doesn't even feel it really. It is just a favor because we can be close and share without secrets.
It is just a minimal existance... I don't look forward to anything because when I do get the energy to change things, which does happen sometimes, then the very next day, my energy is gone, and I can't figureout where the motivation was in the first place.
I am sad. |
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| Rainbowfish
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5628 Posts
Gratitude: 637
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Posted - 08/22/2010 : 23:32:24
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Hello again Jodartha. Thank you for responding. I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful therapist up until I lost my job and my medical insurance last September. I do have a part time, very low paying job and I receive unemployment insurance. But my therapist helped me alot, encouraged me to do things that I enjoy, some call these hobbies. Over 30 years ago I used to be very creative but I allowed that special part of me to go stagnat and dormant. What's cool is it is still there, I started making jewelry, especially earrings. I plan to expand into more crafts when I am mentally able. I have to believe, YOU have to believe, that you are worthy of enjoying yourself again. No matter what you've been through or been told. It is not selfish, it is taking care of ourselves.
What did you enjoy before you became so sad and dead inside? You are caring and nurturing, that is obvious for your love of your teens and your nursing career. Do you have pets? They really give you someone to care for, something that is totally dependent on you. Many days I have not been able to get out of bed and my 2 beloved Turkish Angoras cats have been right by my side. I had always wanted a lizard, I got my first one, a Leopard Gecko, several years ago. She is so fun to take care of, I lose track of time moving and cleaning things in her home, a 20 gallon fish tank. I enjoy learning although I have no higher education, so I spend alot of time at the library. It also gets me out of my apartment, I have to get dressed, you know!  Now I am persuing healthy eating and living. Because I have no health insurance I can't take prescription medications anymore. I was on Prozac and had a script for Atavan for my anxiety/panic attacks. Now I take St. John's wort. I am researching and learning how our diet affects our whole body, even making us depressed! I am making changes so that I can feel better and be healthy.
Jodartha, seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it's just the opposite! Deep down inside you want to be happy again. It will happen, but probably not overnight. First you want to discover what has made you so unhappy. One of my favorite sayings "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". ~Confucius I believe in hope, we all have a will to live and that should include a quality life, free from guilt. I have lived in a state of fear, guilt, confusion and self-hatred for far too long. I wish to help myself, you, and others who want to claim their life back!
RAINBOWFISH |
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| Jerry1949
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3117 Posts
Gratitude: 175
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Posted - 08/23/2010 : 06:42:59
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Welcome Jodartha MT is a great place to let out thoughts that we seem to hold in. I to fight that dark beast depression which eat at your very soul. I was diagnosed back in 1994 Major Depression and been fighting it since. Rainbow is a real treasure here at MT she is always there when to need some one to talk to. Again welcome to the MT family.
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 08/23/2010 : 06:51:16
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Good morning Rainbowfish,
I was so happy to see your message this morning. It made me smile and just afterward cry. Absolutely no one asks how I am...you were the first. Even my kids. I feel like I am just talking into the air sometimes, no one cares at all.
What use to make me happy? Loving people. I am a very caring person, and over the years, I use to dream of just loving and taking care of people. Not always like in the sense of a nurse, mostly, I have a tenderness for wounded sorts, be it people or animals. I remember as a child taking care of a wounded duck at my family's house on a lake. Like you, I had a thing for cameleons. Then as I got older I liked shy people. Before I went into nursing I use to have a passion for volunteering to work with people with AIDS. In between all of this, I have always lived to have someone to love. I have wanted a mate that loved me my whole life...but for some reason, it has eluded me. Always it is a cold person that doesn't give to me. Five and 1/2 years ago, I stumbled on a man that I loved with all my heart. I gave everything to him. My heart and soul, my time, everything. He proceeded to gradually throw it away for alcohol. He just got mean and hurt me emotionally. I couldn't bare it. I did what i could to survive him, and finally divorced him this year. He still says that he loves me, but he loves himself more, and that isn't very much I don't think. I have been without purpose since. Having someone love me matters very much, my mother was cold and I am aware that she is what made me pursue cold ungiving people in my life.
I have a biological son in college now, his father was also cold to me but that was probably my fault because in those days I didn't love him, as I hadn't gotten over early traumas in my life, and I married for the wrong reasons. My son is sweet, but he is in his own world right now and I cant' take these valuable years from him while he finds himself and becomes a physician. I have an "adopted son" too, but he is the sociopathic one, and it is a challenging relationship at best. He can be great, but he also hurts me at times..as he really does have personality issues. I am in the process of backing away from him too, as I can't depend on him (he has no feelings).
I do have a cat, Lily, that I am fond of. But it is people and love that motivate me. If I can share with others, I get some joy. This recurrent depression is sucking the life out of me. I have so little happiness now. I have started taking some medication, but the degree of depression I experience right now is beyond the regular therapist sort of thing. I barely live these days. And you know what hurts...that my family doesn't care at all. No ONE does.
Last night, I chatted w/someone on the internet that I met in a psychology forum, he is a realist and very objective. It helped some. Having people care is what I have a definite shortage of. I have given up on living more than once. I feel like that the only reason I am needed on this earth is to give money for my son to go go college and to feed my cat. That is pretty sad huh?
Anyway, I don't want to bore you anymore. It is such a pleasure to make your aquaintance. I hope to be as positive as you one day. I always had so much to give over the years, I guess it jost got taken away over the years.
Thank you for being there.... |
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| the painter
Super Member (250+ posts)
376 Posts
Gratitude: 33
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Posted - 08/23/2010 : 21:19:05
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Jodartha I must say I feel I can relate to you a bit. Being brought up as a people pleaser, (I only received attention if I was caring for my parents and siblings), I also struggle with the thought that people, mainly family, do not care about me.
I think there might be something about a person who "gives" a lot....that is not demanding of something back? My sister said to me once, "you have to ask me to talk about something that is bothering you"...I realised, because I do not want to bother people, I never ask for an ear or shoulder to cry on.
And deep deep down, I do not want to ask. I want them to care enough for me for them to ask me.
What I have learnt since pondering this type of issue - is that people do care for me, but I used to not feel it because they loved me in their own way. It might even be a slightly selfish way...but I think that is ok, because I think selfishness is human nature to a degree.
I do practise asking for attention more these days. It is still hard, and sometimes I go into my "nobody cares/I am truly alone" mode. But it rarely lasts for long anymore.
I mean I came in today to find a response from you in my blog! Proof positive that there are caring people out there.
And the people here at MT have been so welcoming and caring and funny....there are definitely people out there who are genuinely interested in another's welfare. Sometimes it just gets a bit muddy when we try to see it in family.
Hugs to you Jodartha 
I am very happy to meet you.
Understanding and love will keep you warm at your death bed....me. |
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 08/24/2010 : 01:48:42
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The Painter:::
Thank you so much for your reply. No one has every presented this idea to me. I still believe, whether people are intrisically selfish or not, that my family doesn't care much. From my experience, NOTHING HURT more than my family acting like..."she isn't normal" or leaving me out of family vacations, or worse, not even inviting me to parties or get togethers at times. It is the worst feeling in the world. And they say: oh, we thought you wouldn't want to come, or because the children would be there...or because we don't like your ex fighting w/you...or whatever.
Over the years, I have stopped asking. I am not shy. It is that very critical attitude that has hurt me the most.
Sorry to spout. I don't mean too. You just touched a nerve I guess.
Thank you for that...because for me to feel angry is a rare thing indeed. I usually just walk away from everything these days. I am tired of feeling hurt and unwanted.
I look forward to getting to know you better
JODARTHA |
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| leruok
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2674 Posts
Gratitude: 1709
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Posted - 08/25/2010 : 09:35:02
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Jodartha,
I'd like to welcome you.
Thought I'd just drop a line to say that I'm
enjoying your posts.
Linda |
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 08/27/2010 : 19:18:25
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Hello everyone,
I don't know who to write at this moment yet I feel so bad, that I want to talk to someone. I wish I had the strength to need no one.
My whole life, I have tried to be the strong one. I have tried to support my friends in crisis, push myself as hard as I could in work and in personal life, pursue my dreams in my career (nursing), and still keep a positive attitude. In the past 5 years, it has gotten harder and harder. In recent months I have been pushing my emotions so deep that I can't even say what I feel at all, except perhaps a deep need to be around those that have little feeling and are willing to talk about how minimal feelings work for them.
What I have discovered is emptiness. No happiness, no joy, no energy, just existence.
I see on this forum people that obviously experience so much pain, and then others seem to get joy from reaching out and helping. I guess I am more of a helper...but I knew that. It is just that no one needs me.
I feel like if I was to disappear tonite, absolutely no one would miss me at all. Am I that bad?
I just wanted to let it out, because right now, I am going on 36 hours almost in my house...in my pajamas. And I am alone and wishing I had someone that understood.
It is a sad place for me, I am completely forgettable.
JODARTHA |
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| leruok
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2674 Posts
Gratitude: 1709
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Posted - 08/28/2010 : 10:02:28
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jodartha,
I'm really sorry that your feeling so isolated and
disconnected right now.
It's so easy, when we're in the dumps, to get
angry, or start belittling our own worth.
It's obvious that you are a valuable, educated,
and caring member of society.
People like you are a must in society, what would we
do without givers? Everything would fall
apart.
But I hope that in the process you can give a little
back to that part of yourself that will make
you a happier person again.
And I hope that your feeling bettter this morning
and that you can find one thing
to smile about today .
Linda
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| jodartha
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4755 Posts
Gratitude: 1075
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Posted - 08/28/2010 : 17:09:00
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Thank you for thinking of me...it is hard to be cheerful but you help alot.
Here is the one other thing that made the difference for me today...a friend posted it to me on yahoo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5um8QWWRvo&feature=channel
I like cerebral thoughts that are logical. It worked for me...
JODARTHA |
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| leruok
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2674 Posts
Gratitude: 1709
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Posted - 08/28/2010 : 20:03:18
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jodartha,
It is good to have you here. You won't find
too many people here that would
disagree with the video you posted, myself included.
It's good food for thought.
I understand pajma days too and have had my fair
share, I can certainly relate.
Linda
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| FLMgirl
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3703 Posts
Gratitude: 396
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Posted - 09/14/2010 : 09:03:24
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Jodartha,
I realize I am late here, but I also want to welcome you to MT. MT really helped me at a time when I was at my lowest about a year and a half ago. There are a bunch of caring, wonderful helpful people here.
Reading your posts reminds me of some of my own problems with depression. I can trace those sad, unworthy, unwanted feelings back to age 11 or so. Finally at age 42, I finally sought help. Nowdays, I still have my downs, but I think I have more up days than down.
In 2009, when I was at my lowest, no job, finances in the toilet, living in a motel because I hoarded myself right out of my house (plus no electricity or plumbing there), broken foot, no nearby support group, off my meds cuz I couldn't afford them or a p-doc, and too proud to ask...well, MT and all these great people were here for me.
So anyway, dig in. You're in the right place. I see you have been here a litte while now, and hope you have benefitted from being here as much as MT has benefitted from your being here.
--flmgirl
PS- Thought for the day--Travel Nursing is great if you are young and in good health. But, you don't earn sick time so do plan for a rainy day cuz if the storm comes...it sucks!
It is, what it is, and lately, it's better. |
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