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scared
Starting Member
1 Posts |
 Posted - 02/20/2006 : 16:01:59
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I am new to this site and I don't even know what I am hoping to find or why I am even here. I have struggled with the text book symptoms of anorexia and bulimia since I was 11 years old. I have only been hospitalized one time and everyone thought it was because I had the flu but I know the truth. I am 5'5", somewhere between 129-133lbs, fluctuating several times per day depending on what I eat. About a month ago, I confessed my disorder to my boyfriend because I am tired. I have a nine year old boy and he has a 5 year old girl. We have the perfect home life, full of love and respect, patience and structure. I was "inactive" with bulimia for about 3 years, and over the last year or so, I started again.
Since we talked, I have not done the binging and purging, and we talk about my progress often. He tells me how proud he is of me and he understands how hard it must me. He is so wonderful and comforting. I guess that is why I feel so terrible. I feel so terrible because I am not doing as well as he thinks and I don't know how to tell him. He will be so disappointed and he will think that he can't trust me and that I am a liar. I feel so trapped. I want to tell him that I secretly bought a bottle of diet pills, that I still weigh myself 5-10 times/day, that I still actively starve myself because I CANNOT gain weight. I want to confide in him but at the same time, I don't. Because the second I do, I won't be able to take the pills, I will have to find new ways of hiding it and I don't think I can handle it.
I don't have any friends, I can't go away for treatment because I have a family to support, and even if I did, I find a way to justify why they are wrong and I am right. I have been here for too long and there is no way to fix it and I am so angry! I am shaking because the diet pills are wearing off, I think I'm actually addicted, so I'm considering switching to laxatives, I am having anxiety attacks because I don't want my boyfriend to lose his respect for me and I feel SO DAMNED ALONE!!!
I know there isn't anything anyone can say, I guess I am hoping to feel better by typing and silently I wish he could read this so I don't have to find the strength to tell him. God I need help, but I don't want it at the same time. This is all I know and I am so afraid I will fail again. I am stronger than this, I don't understand why it kicks my ass everytime!
Anyway, thanks for listening, and I truly wish you all the best in your recoveries!
Signed,
Scared  |
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| gigistar
Starting Member
1 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2006 : 15:58:07
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Hey there, I read your message and I felt like I was reading into the mirror - we have a lot in common.
Since your posting have you spoken to anyone? I hope you are better and would be very interested to hear from you. I find that it is hard to "open up" to people who are not sufferers of bulemia.
quote:
Originally posted by scared
I am new to this site and I don't even know what I am hoping to find or why I am even here. I have struggled with the text book symptoms of anorexia and bulimia since I was 11 years old. I have only been hospitalized one time and everyone thought it was because I had the flu but I know the truth. I am 5'5", somewhere between 129-133lbs, fluctuating several times per day depending on what I eat. About a month ago, I confessed my disorder to my boyfriend because I am tired. I have a nine year old boy and he has a 5 year old girl. We have the perfect home life, full of love and respect, patience and structure. I was "inactive" with bulimia for about 3 years, and over the last year or so, I started again.
Since we talked, I have not done the binging and purging, and we talk about my progress often. He tells me how proud he is of me and he understands how hard it must me. He is so wonderful and comforting. I guess that is why I feel so terrible. I feel so terrible because I am not doing as well as he thinks and I don't know how to tell him. He will be so disappointed and he will think that he can't trust me and that I am a liar. I feel so trapped. I want to tell him that I secretly bought a bottle of diet pills, that I still weigh myself 5-10 times/day, that I still actively starve myself because I CANNOT gain weight. I want to confide in him but at the same time, I don't. Because the second I do, I won't be able to take the pills, I will have to find new ways of hiding it and I don't think I can handle it.
I don't have any friends, I can't go away for treatment because I have a family to support, and even if I did, I find a way to justify why they are wrong and I am right. I have been here for too long and there is no way to fix it and I am so angry! I am shaking because the diet pills are wearing off, I think I'm actually addicted, so I'm considering switching to laxatives, I am having anxiety attacks because I don't want my boyfriend to lose his respect for me and I feel SO DAMNED ALONE!!!
I know there isn't anything anyone can say, I guess I am hoping to feel better by typing and silently I wish he could read this so I don't have to find the strength to tell him. God I need help, but I don't want it at the same time. This is all I know and I am so afraid I will fail again. I am stronger than this, I don't understand why it kicks my ass everytime!
Anyway, thanks for listening, and I truly wish you all the best in your recoveries!
Signed,
Scared
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| Kittie
Starting Member
14 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2006 : 07:23:37
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This is going to be a very terse and hopefully intense reply:
My bulimia started at 16 and abruptly ended at 24. This is VERY untypical...but what did it for me was I was 'undiagnosed' as a 'bulimic' (I use quotes to show that I was still showing signs of bulimia) and rediagnosed as bi-polar...
Bulimia became for me a sypmtom of a much greater problem. I'd been trying for 7 years to 'cure' myself of the eating disorder when in actuality I was merely trying to treat a symptom of a much greater disease.
Please any of you out there who feel you've given up hope on 'curing' or 'treating successfully' your eating problems...DELVE DEEPER into what lies under the surface...
My treatment was prozac and combo of cog. behavioral therapy mixed in with a few support groups and........SHEER WILLINGNESS TO SURVIVE.
If you have the latter, you can and will find the first two...trust me. I'm living proof. Haven't binged/purged in over a year and a half. My bi-polar disorder is still a work in progress, but at least I found out WHY it was I was the way I was... (was was was...way too many was'es...)
Okay, so this turned out to be not so "terse"
If any of you feel you're 'too far gone' you're NOT!!! I promise,
Please visit me at the bi-polar forum!
Kittie |
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Too far gone
