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Shy831SheShe
Starting Member
5 Posts |
 Posted - 11/16/2005 : 15:50:18
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Hello I'm Shy831SheShe I was diagnosed with Post-traumatic Stress Disoder and Major Depressive Disorder. I binge eat off and on, I hate myself, I don't like being alive but I can't kill myself, I've tried three times but I could never do it I am a true whip I hate pain. I was raped by my best friends brother and fonduled by a family member both were my two first experiences, I have flashbacks and nightmares all the time, they just won't leave me alone. I've been to three different phychiatrists, I've been on Zoloft, Prozac, Xanax, and Lexapro which I'm on now. My mind is constantly going like I have no control over my own thoughts I don't like my father, I have no friends, I do live with my boyfriend but I don't even love myself how can I love someone else. We've been together for almost four years and he still doesn't understand my conditions, and neither do I. I hate waking up in the morning and I love going to bed at night. All I want to do is sleep. Well I hope I did't freak anyone out. So long.  |
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| LLOliverR
Super Member (250+ posts)
977 Posts
Gratitude: 6
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Posted - 11/17/2005 : 07:50:41
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Hi Shy831,
Welcome to our group. I hope you come back any chance you can. Even though we're anonymous here, it was difficult for me to open up at first, but I have found it to be very rewarding and helpful. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in August and have just recently come to terms with it to a degree. 
I have no knowledge of PTSD, but I have seen others post messages here who have been diagnosed as you have, so you are NOT alone. Hopefully, they will be able to share some of their experiences with psychiatrists (pdocs) and meds with you that you will find helpful. You might scroll through some of the past topics and see if any catch your eye. I can't remember off-hand who has mentioned PTSD, sorry! The nice thing about this group is you look at these names as people and not as their "disorders"! Make sure you check the Bipolar forum as well as the Depression forum. I think you will find helpful information in both places. I do.
In case you are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder, in my case I have bp2 which means I have depression and hypomania. My manic phases do not get as high as bp1's, but my depressive phases do get really low. I was hospitalized once for depression and have been suicidal at different times, though I have never made any attempts. When depressed I have a hard time functioning (i.e. getting out of bed, bathing, etc.). I cry at everything (funny, sad, happy, you name it). I can't think or make decisions. My movements are slow and sluggish. I don't even recognize myself. And I cannot stand myself. I have tremendous feelings of guilt and shame. I feel like I'm a fraud and any minute everyone is going to figure out that I don't deserve my good grades or my diplomas or my job, etc. I can't understand why my husband would want to be married to me (and then I start to wonder what is wrong with him that he would WANT to be married to me!). And on and on and on.... Unfortunately I'm afraid you can probably relate.
One thing you mentioned, though, made me pause was when you said "my mind is constantly going like I have no control over my own thoughts." Have you mentioned this to your pdoc? My mind does this when I'm in a manic state and I have done this since I was in high school at least (maybe as far back as middle school). I have read where normal peoples' thoughts can shift as fast as once every 7 seconds and bp's thoughts, when manic, can shift as fast as once every 2 seconds. When I'm like that I talk like one of those speed readers at the end of the car commercials who has to get in all the limitations to the advertisement before the time runs out and I am all over the place like the ball in a pinball machine. I keep running back and forth between jobs instead of finishing one first and THEN going to the next one. I get so frustrated when I do that.
I am 42 now, but I had a recurring nightmare for over 35 years that I had no idea where it came from or why. I won't go into specifics, but I went to see a hypnotist because my insomnia had gotten so bad. (Also, part of many bp2's symptoms.) Bp2's can go through insomnia during manic periods and then sleep and sleep and sleep during depression. Anyway, the hypnotist brought back this memory from my childhood when I had been deathly ill and had been hospitalized. I had been too young to remember it consciously, but when I mentioned the crazy dream to my parents later when I was telling them about the hypnotist they started telling me about when I nearly died as a child with this horrible bladder infection that I knew nothing about. The details in the dream were just like what the outside and inside of the hospital looked like, what the beds looked like, etc. It was amazing! I never knew that I had been sick or hospitalized when I was a toddler. Since I saw that hypnotist (over a year ago) I have not had that dream once. It might be something to consider asking your pdoc about to help you relax. (NOT to relive the trauma, but the hypnotist I saw will do sessions with people where he teaches the relaxation techniques ONLY!) It might be worth a try.
I also had horrible panic attacks when I was in college and I did not see any doctor at all, because this was back in the early 80's and I was scared I was going insane and would be committed and somehow God kept me together because I sure couldn't have done it alone! In retrospect I wish I had asked for help sooner. I'm so glad to see that you are getting help now! I'm also glad that you do have a boyfriend there. I am assuming that he knows what's going on. Are you also in some sort of therapy? Are you in the U.S.A.? If so, most (all?) colleges have on campus counseling that is usually free and confidential. It might be helpful for you and your boyfriend.
Also, I hated myself when I was depressed, so it's not surprising that if your not feeling well that your not feeling real good about yourself right now. But, that will change when you start feeling better. And you WILL start feeling better. I promise! I know it's really, really, really hard to believe, but you've just got to keep listening to all of us here because we've been there and we know what we're talking about. So call you pdoc and let him/her know that you're still having problems!
By the way, you mentioned your dad, but not your mom. Is she someone that you could talk to or do you have another family member that you could confide in? A sibling, aunt, cousin, etc.? We need to find you a support group!
LL
P.S. I've been on several drugs, too. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one(s). You can check my profile by clicking on my name to see what ones I'm on now. |
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Me i guess
