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sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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 Posted - 03/29/2009 : 12:22:10
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Hi. I'm not new here, but seem to only surface when I'm manic. I feel a bit guilty about not giving back more. I find that my life just gets so busy, it's all I can do to stay on my two feet. In the summer, I was manic, then medicated...it took a long time for me to settle so something pseudo normal. I also seemed to have an acute eating disorder with my mania, eating about 3-500 calories per day, dropping to 100 pounds again. Purging too, that exercise in self loathing.
What does that have to do with alcoholism? Since my marriage went south 4 1/2 years ago, I started drinking a glass of wine every night. That's OK, but I'm female, and that's even a bit too much. My glasses are large, too, like 8 oz. That drifted up to 2, somethimes 3. The only thing good about not eating this summer is that the thought of all those calories kept me down to one glass a day (Yeah, that was most of my calories). Now, I've drifted up to 3-4 glasses a night, easily a bottle. I buy the big boxes, so don't know exactly. I go through them at such a rate that I rotate which liquor store I shop at. I have a huge tolerance, but there is that buzz I get about 1 glass in that I seek out. It is an escape for me. I, of all people, know that it is not a good escape, and not good, period. I bought a treadmill this winter, and usually sit drinking wine looking at it. I was a real athlete once, so I know how it works!
I still puke daily, but my weight has climbed to 135 - that is big time fat for me...probably all the booze calories. My psychiatrist is good with my psych meds. I have resorted to using an idiot box, with all my pills for each day measured out...so I think that med wise I am good. My psychiatrist, however,is no help with the booze and weight. He told me this week that I should run on the treadmill instead of puking, and that I should try to modify my alcohol intake. Well, duh!
I worry about the booze, but don't want to stop....I've read a book, that says that not everyone who drinks too much is an alcoholic, as true alcoholism usually runs in families etc. There is none of that in my family, just me. I don't get hangovers from booze. I know that drinking this much isn't good...should I just relax, and see if things settle down again? It hasn't been that lons, and summer's coming again - mania season for me - maybe I can hope for that out! Or should I seek out other help? I haven't seen my family MD for years now...too busy. Haven't seen my psychologist for a while either...last time, he told me that I wasn't an alcoholic, as I drink to self medicate...but I thought that that was what alcoholics do too?!
And here I am, on call, trying to titrate my alcohol intake to that I will be below the limit, and not smell of booze, if I get called in!
Sorry for the long winded question...it seems to be a trait for me! And Thanks!
Sbauer
just keep swimming!  |
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| lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
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Posted - 03/29/2009 : 22:06:28
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One way to determine if you are Alcoholic or not, is to search for AA, and take the "Am I an Alcoholic " test, also known as 20 questions.
No one can really determine you Alcoholic,
I worry that you are starving yourself,
Just for the heck of it, there is a diet that is healthy, 21 pounds lost in 21 days, The Marthas Vineyard Diet.
Did miss you and wondered what on earth happened to you.
You'll get more posts on the main or the social boards.
Note to self: ask God what His plans are, for me, for the day.
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| sbauer
Full Member (100+ posts)
139 Posts
Gratitude: 22
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Posted - 04/03/2009 : 17:51:15
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Thanks for the replies, Fruitcup and Lynn.
Lynn, I've wondered how you've been doing too.
I did the AA test (only 12 questions though), passed one shy of their definition - hooray! But other online tests I've done have shown me as in the "problem drinker" category - ie much worse than normal, but not alcoholic. I think I'll try to get back in touch with my psychologist - he, at least, offers concrete advice. I absolutely can't see myself at an AA meeting.
It's spring, and I feel the longer daylight hours tugging at the heavy wool blanket that envelopes me (ie lithium). It's strange how "OK" is never good enough...the lithium etc keep me OK, but I yearn for the soaring of mania, or at least hypomania. I've surreptitiously been letting the odd lithium dose slide, and see an occasional glimpse of bright blue sky, sunlight...maybe that energy will allow me to tackle the EtOH issue better.
Thanks again!
sbauer |
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| lynn2150
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
21329 Posts
Gratitude: 2146
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Posted - 04/03/2009 : 18:00:43
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Hi SB.
I laaugh at myself 20 questions lol
I too want to light a fire under my butt,
these pills keep me so sluggish.
My friend drinks a lot of wine after a four day shift as a nurse.
My sons half sister, drinks wine every night, to relax after work.
Wine has health benefits,
We really did miss you SB.
Hope you pop in more often !
Note to self: ask God what His plans are, for me, for the day.
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 04/30/2009 : 20:06:19
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sabuar its great to hear from you!!!!!
keep on truckin .
how are the youngins and horses etc
i love everyone red,white,blue and every other frequency and spectrum to. |
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| sbauer2
Starting Member
4 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 08/07/2011 : 06:00:48
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Well, I'm back again after a two year absence. Reading my post from then, I'b struck by how little things have changed - I still work too much, practice disordered eating, have too many horses dogs cats rodents and children (now vile teens)...My bipolar seems to have have taken on its own rythm - depressed in winter, worse in spring, manic in summer. This year's cycle resulted in a new med for the depression (Wellbutrin), followed immediately by mania, and lots of lithium and Seroquel. Now I'm back on an even keel, but find that the Wellbutrin has changed how alcohol tastes, and my craving, so that I drink very little now. When I told this to my psychiatrist, he cheered! I was hoping for a bit more sympathy...but maybe now I can stop drinking, and shed some pounds (I'm more that 100 now!). Stopping drinking would be great, not only for the health benefit, but financially - the combination of manic spending and ongoing divorce lawyers has put me close to bankruptcy - it's going to be a long lean 5 years to dig out. So after that intro, my question is, has anyone else noticed this with Wellbutrin? Thanks! And hello to all the familiar names out there! |
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Alcoholic, or not?
