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Liblet
Starting Member

3 Posts

Posted - 10/28/2005 : 01:01:35

I have been depressed for the last 8 years, but never more so as recently. At work I am shunned and completely ignored. I have no friends. javascript:insertsmilie('

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I have started to experience back pain to the point I have missed a lot of work - a LOT. I don't want to go back. Even if my back felt great. There might be something physically wrong, we don't know yet, but I am starting to think it is due to my depression (thought - seriously of suicide to the point of starting to figure how to do it so it won't look like a suicide and my family can collect insurance). I am really messed up right now. I could loose this job (which I hate).
What should I do?

Libby

Heatherzed
Full Member (100+ posts)

241 Posts
Gratitude: 5

Posted - 10/28/2005 : 05:12:38

Hello,

Welcome to the group. I'm glad you took this step of reaching out for help as you will feel less alone here in a place where we are all, or have all at some point, been depressed too! You will certainly not feel ignored or shunned! Everyone here is very supportive and non-judgemental, and can share their experiences and give you advice as to how to get through this. I have found this site to be a great help myself, and I am sure you will too.

I found myself in a similar situation to you earlier this year. It is a very long story (which I think I have already told on this board somewhere...it is too long to write again!) but basically my situation at work became intolerable due to the way in which I was treated by others, and of couse the way I chose to react to this treatment. (A therapist did tell me that you can't change the actions of others, and so perhaps can't control how they act and how it will hurt you. But, we do have the power to choose how we react to their actions. This is OUR choice and no one can take this from us, so in this respect we do own a certain amount of control can use this to take measures to protect ourselves from hurt.) So, I can't shift all of the blame onto those I worked with, although I do find them a very difficult bunch to work with; very selfish and unable to coordinate themselves into successful teamwork. The depression was already in me, and though I had never had treatment before, I knew I had suffered depression on and off for all of my adult life.

I ended up just missing so much work, but not officially (it is very easy for me to go AWOL and for it to go undetected for a long time). This just made me feel more and more guilty and less and less inclined to go back in. The more time I had off, the more I felt I had to stay away because I thought people would think so badly of me. I was so ashamed of myself. And, I still hadn't been formerly diagnosed with depression as I had not yet saught help, so I felt I had no excuse for my behavioutr other than me being useless. You get into a cycle of truanting that never ends, and finishes up with you having no job.

Anyway, in the end I was off for a total of around 10 months. Now, I am just feeling my way back. I am taking an antidepressant that the doctor prescribed and going to counselling sessions, both of which are really helping and without which I could not have got back to where I am now. Can I ask whether you have been formerly diagnosed, or if you have visited a doctor or a counsillor with your problems?? This would be a good idea. You have taken the first step by acknowledging there is a problem and coming here to seek help; now you need the help of a professional to help you get your life back. I know you are seeking help for your back problems, but you must mention the depression you are feeling too, as this is a serious illness in its' own right and should not be taken lightly. If left untreated it could get out of control. Just ask; the doctor will have handled people with depression before and will not laugh at you or refuse to believe you (that's what I was worried about before I saught help). You will be helping yourself out big time.

I've planned suicide down to the last detail too....working in a chemistry lab it does not take much imagination to figure out how easily it could be done. But, now I have got my new lease of life, I am so glad that I didn't go through with it and can see now that I have a life worth living. You see, there is hope out there, I am proof of it! I planned to make it look like an accident too, so that my family would not have so shoulder the additional pain of knowing that I was so unhappy that I took my own life.

What you should do is get to the doctors, tell them about ALL your health worries (mental as well as physical...these can overlap anyway and like you say, one could be causing the other, and there are physical symptoms for lots of mental complaints, including depression) and hopefully you should get the help you need to heal.

Get the doctor to send a note to your place of work - your boss, or HR, whoever is in charge, saying that you are ill and will be unable to work. Would you be eligible for sick pay for a period of time?? Or would you be able to sort out some disability benefits of some sort? Your back pain would no doubt help your case on this score as it can be difficult to claim for mental disorders as they often don't display physical signs of illness to an onlooker. I was lucky that my financial position was not too bad when I was ill; if yours is though there must be someone who can help you. You just need to get up the courage to ring around and find out who.

You have no need to feel ashamed about missing work: you have a serious mental condition that will take time to heal, as well as a possibel physical problem. I wish now that I had not felt so ashamed for missing work, as really in hindsight I did have a good reason, but I know it is hard to think this way at the time, when you are at your worst...

Take some time out and relax and try to heal, but try not to isolate yourself too much. I did this and it is not a good idea. But, I always kept in contact with one person - my boyfriend - and this did help a lot. Try to do the same. If you do not feel you have anyone close enough, use a counsillor. They can listen to you when you are at your worst, and you will feel you have someone behind you, helping you, and on your side.

When you start to feel better, you will start to feel more like interacting with others, and you will no doubt make new friends. You do not need to rush into things too quickly; just as it takes time for these things to creep up on us and batter us down (sometimes we realise when it's almost too late....I wish now I'd saught help quicker, as then I would have been better quicker too!), it also takes time for us to overcome them and recover. Take time out for yourself first. Look out for number one. If you concentrate on yourself and getting better, others can wait. Then, when you are comfortable in your own skin again, meeting and interacting with others will just come naturally...we are all just humans, the same species, cut from the same cloth, after all!

If you hate your job you don't have to go back! You may find an even better job that you actually enjoy when you are well again and mroe yourself. Or, if you think it's a case of your health problems making you hate your job and leaving you with no interst in what you used to like (as was the case with me), then just give it another try after your rest and see how you go from there. I was scared to go back - never wanted to and put it off forever, like you - but I found people were not so bad as I had imagined them to be (I think my depression made me quite paranoid and hostile). I am now settling back in OK.

I am not the best person to advise you and I'm sure others will follow, but I hope I gave you some hope and helped you see that others have been through similar things, and that you are in no way alone or abnormal in feeling the way you are.

I hope this helps. Sorry to go on!

Let us know how you go on, I will be thinking of you.

Heather

Liblet
Starting Member

3 Posts

Posted - 10/28/2005 : 12:39:11

& Heatherzed...
Thank you, thank you for your wonderful responses - you guys are helping me feel cared about already. I'll keep you posted on how things progress. First, to let you know, I am 54, had major back surgery 3 years ago. I am kicking myself that I didn't follow through with studying art and doing something with interior design, land scaping or whatever. I've been stuck as a secretary for the last 15 years, can't afford to go to school...yada...yada...yada....I AM going on, aren't I? ARGGGggghhhhh! I should just end it and put everyone around me out of my misery. I'm too old to do something about this and too broke, and more to the current point, feel totally unmotivated. You are both right. All I want to do is sleep and eat. I raised my kids who are in to their own lives and don't give me a 2nd thought....oh...here I go again....yada...yada...yada...I am going on. Sorry. I'm not at a very good place right now...I'll talk with you guys later. Thanks again for taking the time to get back to me. I appreciate it so much. :/

Libby

badlose
Starting Member

9 Posts

Posted - 11/07/2006 : 01:13:18

Hi
What a great response you got, very caring and concerned. You must know that you are not alone here!
My thoughts are simple, though I cannot help with the back problem, I do sympathize! I realize that you think you are too old to do something else and you don't have any money, but, here's a way to get a way to a more interesting job than being a secretary without having to go to college and spend money. I was trained in the secretarial/business field but after a couple of years of typing all day and getting little or no respect, I decided to learn as much as I could about the business that I worked for and create really good working relationships with the customers. Even the smallest of requests from customers, I would bend over backwards to get it done. Then I would try to help them with simple problems as I learned more, then I got promoted and had secretaries typing for me! Eventually, if you build a good customer relationship, the company that you work for has little choice but to keep you and value you for your ability to please their customers and therefore make them more money!!!!! So, go for sales administration in the manufacturing field/contracting, build away grinning and bearing all the bull**** and I guarantee that you will get more out of it and if you don't want to stay, you have gained the customer relations to get a better place to work (they will become your network of potential future employers!!!) Try it, it's got to be worth it and you are worth it, so go get em!

blueyes711
Starting Member

2 Posts

Posted - 11/26/2006 : 16:52:13

I so hope you get help.

Depression can be paralyzing. I amn trying to help a friend with this.

phyllisjmulford

Liblet
Starting Member

3 Posts

Posted - 11/26/2006 : 18:57:36

Well, it's been a year now and to update everyone...I'm still here!! Actually, there was a problem with my back and I have had another surgery. After my initial post I got even more depressed, which I didn't think possible. But God is good and has carried me (along with everyone's encouragement) through this time.

I was gone so long at work, that they tried to post my position before I vacated it. Thank God for Unions because they fought for me and they had to withdraw the post. To make a long story short, I am being tranferred to another department. (I work for a school district.)

I am coming out of this depression. It has been a long, slow process, but I'm claiming victory in the end!

Thank you, thank you everyone for your kind words and concern. God bless you all.