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Mood Disorder Community
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Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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 Posted - 08/30/2008 : 11:51:09
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As many of you know, my son's stepmother and I DON'T get along. I rant about her constantly to everybody and I am SO SICK of doing it. She would never know (anymore) how angry I am at her, because I never let her foolishness inflence the way I communicate with her. I can do this because, intellectually, I know that I can't control another person's behaviour; only my own.
But that's the problem. I can't seem to find a way to control my own feelings and thoughts about her. I go through spells where I am obsessed with thinking about her and how much I hate her and I have revenge fantasies, but I know that's stooping to her level and I'm only hurting myself.
I've had various forms of therapy, and I have tried every form of anger management that I've learned, to no avail. I'm sick and tired of thinking about this person. I deal with her stuff as it comes along, but I'm always waiting for it to come along...imagining her reactions/responses to things, etc. I tell myself to not let it bother me, and all of the other things that people say (and that I've said to others), but it doesn't work on me!
Does anybody else experience this type of thing, and do you find that anything helps it?
~ Storm ~  |
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| pathwey
Super Member (250+ posts)
309 Posts
Gratitude: 107
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Posted - 08/30/2008 : 18:10:39
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Hi
I can read the frustration and anger that you feel about your son's mother-in-law. I can't help with any ways to deal with this except to say that I have one 'friend' who makes me angry all the time. I'm trapped to keep her as a friend because I know she is alone and has no other friends, so I feel obligated to remain in contact with her. The only way I've found to deal with her is to limit my time with her to 2hrs a week and I pick and choose when to answer the phone to her. She regularly (after a litre bottle of wine!) will ring me up and be totally abusive using foul language about me etc. I screen teh call, and if this is what she says on the answermachine then I just don't pick up and later, just say, oh I must've been in the garden - sorry! I've also learnt just to say yes, or , oh dear that's terrible etc but I have made a pact with myself that I won't let her get to me anymore. Because before I got so angry and upset that I just wanted to blow my stack and tell her never to contact me again. But my heart won't let me do that, so I had to find a way that would keep contact with her (for her sake not mine!) but that would protect me at the same time. So far it's working ok but it's about setting boundaries to yourself of what you can and can't cope with and what you are going to let affect you. I have a sister who is a serial liar. She just can't help it. It really drove me to distraction as I kept getting caught up in all the lies etc. Now when I visit, I say to myself that I'll just listen to what she has to say, say um and ah at the right times but I'll just let it all wash over me. So now it doesn't hurt anymore because it just goes in one ear and out the other. I don't let it affect my heart anymore, I have to be that distant to keep myself sane and to stop me from letting all the anger boil up inside ready to erupt like Mount Vesuvias!
Don't know if this helps at all...it's just my way I learnt the hard way...!
Jules  |
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| Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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Posted - 08/31/2008 : 09:37:45
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Thanks, Jules.  For some reason, I haven't been the least bit preoccupied with thoughts about her this weekend. This is odd, because it normally happens when I'm not overly busy and I've been quite lazy the past two days!
I wonder if being back with you guys might be the key? Knowing that I'm not the only one with such strong emotions really helps me. I think that "normal" people just think I'm overreacting, and don't realize that I have a disorder that causes my moods to be more extreme than others.
Thank you for sharing your ideas; you are a wonderful person to be kind enough to keep a friend like that!
Take care and thanks again.
~ Storm ~ |
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| Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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Posted - 09/03/2008 : 15:53:19
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I have an update on the situation...I hope it's not considered advertising or something, and if it is, please alert the administrator to have it removed!
I've found two books that are really helping me with the anger over my son's other parents and I wanted to share the titles, in case anybody else might be in a similar situation to mine...
"Joint Custody with a Jerk" by Julie A. Ross & Judy Corcoran
and
"The Co-Parenting Survival Guide" by Elizabether S. Thayer & Jeffrey Zimmerman
Both of these books have provided me with a lot of communication skills and ideas for keeping myself from being wrapped up in my anger. I think it might help me with anger in general. Just wanted to share.
~ Storm ~ |
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| pathwey
Super Member (250+ posts)
309 Posts
Gratitude: 107
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Posted - 09/04/2008 : 16:52:24
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Storm
How are you doing today? Just thought I'd check in and see if all was ok? Am thinking of you flower.
Jules x |
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 10/20/2008 : 06:30:03
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hi storm!!
i take pill's for this one STRONG PILL'S. LOL
i've also been in a residential program.
i've been angry soo long that i had to stop or die of a stroke ,heart attack,anger has been linked to cancer.
and ive talked to god alot.
yelled evil things and burned them in effigy lol
i also substituted happy thoughts for wanting to kill them all.
i hope this helps. |
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| Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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Posted - 10/20/2008 : 16:06:43
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Aw, Jules...I'm sorry, I just saw your thoughtful post now. The notification thing doesn't work for me, so I don't get emails to tell me when somebody's replied.
Ironically, the reason I logged into the "Anger" section is for the exact same reason as my original post...THAT WOMAN IS MAKING ME (MORE) CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm off work right now, suffering through a bad episode, so it doesn't take much to set me off, but this ... creature ... makes everybody angry with the stuff she does to me. By this I mean, I showed my psychiatrist one of her hateful notes, and SHE (the psychiatrist) got mad! Once again, she's telling me what to do and questioning the way I do things. She has (so far) sent me three emails in response to one. The one I sent was information she (and her husband, who, by the way, is the child's father and the one I should be communicating with, but she doesn't allow this) required. The ones she has sent me are all about how I don't do things right. I think she's obsessed with me.
OK, can't talk about that anymore...getting far too wound up (I should take a typing speed test right now, haha!). I'll talk to the doctor about it tomorrow. And I re-read my own post and reminded myself of the books, so I think it's time for a refresher.
Stigs, God love ya! It does help to know that somebody else has experienced this kind of rage. What kind of meds do you take for it? I'm on Clonazepam and Seroquel, specifically for the rage, along with a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. One to keep me level, one to bring me up, and one to bring me down. Gotta love bipolar!!
I like the effigy-burning idea...probably safer than the Mack Truck Tour I used to plan. They frowned on that in therapy. I took anger management in Day Treatment, both times around, but it's the in-the-moment RAGE that I want to learn to control. Even as I read her emails (which is how we communicate) and I feel my blood boiling, I know that I'll be OK within about an hour. But at the time...and for that hour or so...it's absolutely hellish.
Off to the world of Clonazepam I go...
~ Storm ~ |
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 10/20/2008 : 17:47:03
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i take 200 mg of lamictal, eight mg risperal.
i was on seroqual but that stuff would knock out a t rex. lol |
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| Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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Posted - 10/21/2008 : 05:39:02
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I know, eh?? I'm super-stoned with this stuff.
But still angry! I don't even know how I have the energy to be angry!
~ Storm ~ |
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| shades_of_nadia
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2322 Posts
Gratitude: 362
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Posted - 10/22/2008 : 06:37:21
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i myself am qiute prone to very sudden outbursts of rage and thank god i've had the self resraint to hold it in and not physically hurt anyone,, but just about barely..
i don't think anyone likes communicating with stupid narrow minded ppl, thats my pet peeve...
1 pick your battles..
2so in the moment of rage tell yourself to bite your tongue!!!(only if you know you are going to say mean hurtful things just to be mean and hurtful and no other reason)
3 BREATHE very deeply count to ten, or alternatively say "ohm manee padhay ohm".. or get your own mantra..
these are all general ideas,,
but with that women that infuriates you so utterly,, you should ONLY communicate with your sons father,, tell him otherwise you won't be held accountable for what you do to that woman..
if we can avoid having poisonous ppl in our lives then by all means, spit the poison out!!
as for revenge,, it never works out the way you want it to,, have you ever watched sammy in days of our lives..? precisely..
just creates more mess and drama.
if all else fails, make a voodoo doll....lol!!!
nah not really hey,,lol!
try talking to the witch and tell her to get something else to keep her busy,, if you act all bored, maybe she might just get her drama somewhere else.. cos maybe she likes having such an effect on you..
good luck!!!
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| pathwey
Super Member (250+ posts)
309 Posts
Gratitude: 107
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Posted - 10/22/2008 : 11:52:04
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Storm
Oh dear, this woman is driving you crazy. Did have a long conversation with a couple who's daughter-in-law was being really nasty towards them. They said they used to retaliate until one day they could cope no-more. They sat down and discussed it between themselves and decided they were going to develop TEFLON heads - know what I mean? So whatever this nasty peice of work was going to throw at them, they were gonna just let it slide over the top of their heads and down the back! They weren't gonna let her get to them anymore. They found that after a few months, the daughter-in-law realised that she was not getting the desired response - no matter how angry and nasty she was, they just didn't rise to the bait. No doubt it infuriated her! Suffice to say, the daughter-in-law is no longer the monster she was making out she was. The couple concerned say they are not fooled by her apparent niceness and continue to adopt the TEFLON head approach, but they say they have found a peace within them about the situation - they know they cannot change her but they can change they affect she was having on them...they are much happier as a result.
I do agree that if at all, poisoness (for want of a better word) people should be at least kept at arms distance and communicated only on an absolutely necessary basis and at best, placed into incommunicado for your own sanity's sake. However, I am a Christian and I do believe that we are all God's children and we are called to love others. But as my Pastor said to me just this Sunday evening, this doesn't mean we have to like them! Made me smile, but I fully understand the significance of what he was saying. Life is never a bed of roses and we are all different and sometimes that means we clash head on. It just seems bizarre that it is you that is having to seek therapy and no doubt, she isn't! MMMmmmm At least this shows you have a deep and full understanding of yourself and the problems the woman is causing you and you are trying to deal with how she makes you feel...I commend you for that.
I have learnt that I can't change my dad - he is just a nasty peice of work. I still send him birthday cards etc and ask of his wellbeing when I speak on the phone to my mum - but I no longer visit them or have any contact with him on the phone etc...it's just too painful for me, so I have had to withdraw. I do the least possible, which I guess is not very Christian but how many times can you take being hit on the head before you say "stop that, it hurts!". I can't keep everyone happy all of the time and some people, I can't keep happy at all. I have to accept that I suppose, and surround myself with those who respect me and care for me, as I do them. I know who is there for me and who isn't, who is a true friend and who is just someone I feel I ough to keep in contact with for their sake, not mine. They are two very distinct groups. The first, I listen to and respect there comments and criticisms because I know they care for me. The second, I adopt the TEFLON head approach, and I'm afraid to admit that includes my sister too (for reasons, I won't bore you with!). There's a saying which I can't remember all of it, but it says something about Lord give me the wisdom to know the things I can change... my memory fails me... it's my age me thinks!!
Anyway, I'm rabbitting on about no doubt useless stuff. I'm on Seroquel too, which does knock me out! But I am grateful for that at the mo, because I like blotting out the days. Unfortunately, I have developed an angry streak which seems to burst out as and when. This is so alien to me, I hate it - I don't do anger! Wo betide teh salesman at the door trying to convert electric companies or such like...BOOM, off I go! I'm trying to cover it up but my psych is aware, but I don't see him until the 6th - so it's watch out everyone, Jules is about to go off bang! Don't know what psych chap will do, if anything - hey, maybe I'll get sent on an anger management course too!
Anyway Storm, sorry I've gone on a bit about me too, hope you don't mind. I don't have anywhere near the problem you've got with your mother-in-law and am afrais I don't have the answer. But think on the TEFLON head approach, and just remember, you'll never change her but you can change (eventually) the way that she affects you.
Much love and compassion
Jules x |
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| Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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Posted - 10/23/2008 : 08:50:01
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Dear Nadia & Jules,
You are both so sweet to be so concerned about me. I really appreciate your time and caring.
In the past, with this woman, I fought tooth and nail, and ruined two friendships (one with my sister and one with my best friend at the time) because they were flat-out sick and tired of my obsession. The problem there was that they were both socializing with my ex and his b**** wife (weird, I know) and were seeing the sweet side of her that cried on their shoulders that I didn't like her. Neither one of them was able to understand my side of the story, since I had always been so prone to rage that they assumed that I was blowing this out of proportion. This was before I was diagnosed as bipolar.
However, over the past three years, I have been the bigger person and succeeded with flying colours. This was especially amazing, since they really started in on me after my suicide attempt and subsequent year off that I required to get well. I am very proud of myself for the way I have continued to handle this (externally) and I credit that with the fact that I have never lost sight of the fact that this is about my son and he is the most important person in my life.
My son has told me so many things about her. He really doesn't like her, and wanted to live with me full-time when he was ten (three years ago, during the court battle that they instigated). Imagine how hard it was for me to say positive things about his father and stepmother, when all I wanted to do was scoop him up and keep him with me forever. I did tell him at the time that he would have more of a say when he was 13. Now that he's 13, he's become very vocal with me (and my fiance ~ his stepdad-to-be) about his feelings. I'm almost positive that if it weren't for his friends in his father's community, he would live here full-time in a heartbeat. I have never suggested it to him, but should he bring it up again, my fiance and I will fully embrace the idea and fight tooth and nail for the change (we currently share 50/50 custody ~ two weeks at each home).
This would not be to "get back at them", because, again, it's all about my son. However, the reasons I left his father have not changed and my boy is so aware of this. In his own words, "My father is a follower, not a leader". And his stepmother is a control freak. But as long as they are keeping him safe and fed, and not abusing him in any way, I am OK with the visitation as it is. But again, I'll jump on full custody in a heartbeat.
The other thing that is perhaps childish on my part is that I am finally seeing karma...what goes around comes around and this is beginning to happen. They can no longer push my buttons (as far as they know) and this drives them nuts! I thought that by now they would have tired of this behaviour, but not so much. I have rekindled new relationships with both my friend and my sister, and they have heard enough of my side of the story that now they understand why I felt and behaved the way I did. As my friend said, "It's amazing how she can be so sweet to others, but so evil to you". My beloved niece hates her with a passion, and, as I said, I know it's childish, but I really feel vindicated! The stepmother no longer communicates with my sister, presumably because of the fact that I'm back in the picture. She and the friend still hang out, and although I have socialized with the friend, I am aware of everything I say, and I'm no longer comfortable with sharing my entire life with her. In fact, we no longer socialize with them, because I don't think I'll ever forget, although I have forgiven her.
The rage comes and goes. When I'm well, I can read her e-mails and just laugh. It's actually flattering to know that I consume so many of her thoughts ~ makes me feel quite important! But when I'm not well, I obsess and become filled with rage, in the moment. I don't communicate with her until I'm calm, and I don't acknowledge any of her pettiness. I deal with her only in regards to my son.
Now that I look back, I realize that my current bipolar episode began back in the summer, and that was when all the hatred resurfaced. It's still a tough go, but I will get through this. I handled so much worse with them, when I was extremely ill, unemployed, on social assistance (with financial assistance from my parents, since my ex didn't pay child support during that time). So this will be a walk in the park. I am doing everything to recover from my recent crash and burn, and I have the support of my beloved fiance, who was not in the picture during that time.
I have written a novel. Sorry to have gone on so long, but it was cathartic for me to type this out, and realize that I am stronger than this foolishness with them, and stronger than bipolar disorder.
Thanks for reading (if you've made it this far!), and thanks for your input. I appreciate it more than you know.
xo
~ Storm ~ |
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| pathwey
Super Member (250+ posts)
309 Posts
Gratitude: 107
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Posted - 10/23/2008 : 10:53:51
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Storm
Have just read your posting and it has lifted my heart to know you are going to not let this woman drag you down - like she has clearly been consistently trying to do. How wise of you no tto respond at the height of your anger - that would be so understandably easy to do! You are so clear headed and know what is important - your son. I am glad to read you have a very supportive fiance - it's always good to have someone 100% on your side.
You make me smile when you say sometimes you can read her emails and just laugh..that's definately the TEFLON head approach - well done!!
I'm so proud of you Storm, you are so wise. Oh to have such an understanding of one's feelings and 'condition', any tips - let me know!!
I was sorry to read of your suicide attempt - that you felt that low that you felt it was the only option. For you and for your son, I am so glad you did not succeed. You have people that love you, please don't lose sight of that, even in the 'down' times. Anger comes and goes but true love stays forever.
Please keep us all posted on your 'battle', we are here for you blossom.
Much love
Jules x |
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 10/30/2008 : 07:02:08
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| get a witch? and have her turn the offending party or parties into frogs or better yet toilets lol [stig ,has no class] |
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| shades_of_nadia
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2322 Posts
Gratitude: 362
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Posted - 10/30/2008 : 08:33:59
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lol stig!!
yay storm!!!! good for you!!
i am very glad to hear that everything worked out, and that you now have the perfect way of dealing with miss witch..
good luck in all your future endeavours
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| Storm (inactive)
Super Member (250+ posts)
532 Posts
Gratitude: 132
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Posted - 10/30/2008 : 13:38:33
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Jules, Stig & Nadia,
Thanks for reminding me that I can do this, and that so far I've done it right (ie, no physical injury, haha!). It's nice to know that you're all on my side.
My "real-life" friends and family see what she's like and what she's put me through. Now my fiance does, and even my sister and friend (the one who hangs out with the stepmother). I know that it should be enough for me to know that I'm right (and that she's nuts), but the validation that I've received really helps me to know that I'm right!! I tend to second-guess my emotions and reactions, so it means a great deal to me that others see my point.
The next test will be either tonight or tomorrow morning, when I receive the two-week report by email. It should be interesting to see what I've done "wrong" now! However, my son told me yesterday that THIS feels like home to him (the community we live in, as opposed to where his father lives). Knowing that makes me feel a lot better too.
Wish me luck with the next communication; I'll report in to let you know how it goes.
~ Storm ~ |
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