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Mood Disorder Community
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Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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 Posted - 08/27/2008 : 20:21:53
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When I am manic, money doesn't mean anything to me. I was working at
company X, and I had a very good boss, I was doing very well,but my boss hated the place and he left. I was left alone on the project where I had to take care of mice, and since no one else in the company could do it, I had to come every week-end, both Saturdays and Sundays for almost 12 month. I was also not able to take a vacation for the same reason. So, I was getting very, very tired, but I enjoyed my work and I wasn’t aware of the stress it was creating. Then the company hired a young girl to help me, and my mood improved dramatically. Soon after than I got an e-mail from a recruiter about a position in a very well established stable company. My mood went even higher. I had an interview, I could tell that people liked me and I liked them, and my mood skyrocketed. The recruiter did an excellent job convincing them to hire me (even though I had a very limited work experience in biology and a five years gap in employment), and I got an offer. They offered me 10K more than I was getting at the old company + stock options. I was in cloud nine, but at the same time I started experiencing weird thinking. First of all, I started feeling guilty in front of that girl the company X hired to help me. Second, I started suspect the neighbors watching me and steeling from my apartment. I put a high security locks on every door. When I started working at the new company, I was already very irritable and was telling my new boss what to do and I was extremely irritated with everything he did. He was not happy with me. I also decided that I felt sorry for rats (but not for mice), and that since people in my group were all used to killing rats, I thought that they would kill me if they were paid to do so. The thought “Wait a minute, when you started working with mice, you made a decision that you are doing it in order to survive and for your daughter to survive” briefly entered my mind and disappeared,but instead I started thinking that if I returned to my old job, I would do this one experiment, and I will win a Nobel prize for it. First of all, if I was in my right mind, I would have never thought about winning the Nobel prize, and second, I would have been able to compare the new job and the old job. At the old job they only gave you two weeks of vacation, they didn’t allow any time of even for the doctor’s visits: you had to take hours and even minuets out of your vacation time. At the new job they gave three weeks of vacation, three personal days, unlimited sick days and if you needed to be away for up to six hours a day for personal reasons, that was not a problem. Benefits premiums cost twice as much at the old company company than the new one. The pay in the new company was 10K more + stock options (and stock was doing so well, that people were making much much more than just their salaries. The old company was about to move to for a cheaper rent (30 minutes drive from home). I could walk to the new company. At the new company, people were extremely nice, they were very social and doing a lot of fun activities; running, biking, beach parties. The Christmas party was amazing. The company was rich. The old company had pizza once a month and a Christmas lunch. But in the state of mind I was in, all of that didn’t matter. What mattered was that one experiment that was going to make me happy, that all the people at the old company are my best friends and I just could’t live without them. So, one day, after only two month of service, I left the new job and went back to the old one. I never had a chance to do that one experiment. I was moved to a diffferent project under a different boss, the company moved, the comute was horrible, and the depression hit me. It's been almost a year now, and I still can't believe how I could do it. Any comments?
YuliaM  |
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| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
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Posted - 08/27/2008 : 21:16:50
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Hi Yulia...
I'm schizophrenic not bipolar.....
I thought my mission was to save the world.
When I look back at what I did in that state I cringe but now I'm on meds and just trying to put together a normal life.
Don't look back, just look forward and chalk it up to what havoc our illnesses can cause...
Your not alone
Best Wishes
Sue |
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 08/27/2008 : 21:39:19
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In 1999 I quit a PhD programm, because I thought that by doing so and moving overseas I would prevent the Third World War. I thought I have learned and that would never happen to me again...
YuliaM |
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| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
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Posted - 08/27/2008 : 23:10:12
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Hi Yulia
I'm sorry to hear that.
It really is'nt fair the tricks our minds play on us.
The meds I am on have stabalized me so far, it's only been 20 months and my pdoc is always keeping a check that I am in the real world.
A good doctor and meds have been vital in my recovery....he stresses recovery not cure.
So far I have been able to know when things are starting to go haywire and my meds are adjusted accordingly...rather than trying to save the world these days I am just trying to live a functional life with my family.
Hang in there...you have been through a lot but hopefully with the right meds and doctor you too will be able to tune in if things start to go wrong.
It's nice to know we are not dealing with this alone.
Good Luck
Sue
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 08/28/2008 : 09:15:39
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Hi Sue,
Thank you for your support. When I try to tell "normal" people what happened to me, they either say that I was just stupid, or made a decision which I later regret. Just as simple as that. During my postpartum depression, when I actually saw the Devil and talked about him days and nights, my parents told me that "some people just don't want to take care of their children and you are one of them". Plus, I have had the worst experience with doctors and the medication. The last pdoc, during my last crazy episode, not only didn't help, he even managed to make things worse.
[/quote]
YuliaM |
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| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
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Posted - 08/28/2008 : 22:00:45
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Hi Yulia
Yes "normal" people can not comprehend what we go through...they put mine down to stress anxiety and depression mainly because I did not share all of my symtoms with them...like seeing the devil and just once hearing his name...I am so sorry that your parents dismissed your hallucinations...they should have been accessing some help for you not judging you.People really are scared by what they don't understand which is probably why I find being a member here so comfortable.
I've had my share of problem doctors too...one performed an exorcism.
The doctor I have now came into my life when I was psychotic and I was referred to him as psychosis is his area of expertise.I was very lucky to be referred to him....he saw me 7am everyday for the first 3 weeks and now I have built up to 8 weeks between visits....the medication he has me on has stopped my delusions and hallucinations and enabled me to stay with my family.I have 2 children still at home.
Do you see a doctor now?I hate taking the meds but I do like being stable...I still have ativan to take when I start to feel agitated.
I really hope you can find the right combination of doctor and meds so that you can confidently go forward with your life.
Best Wishes
Sue |
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 08/31/2008 : 14:36:16
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Hello Sue,
Thank you for your kindness. No, I don't have a doctor now (don't trust them anymore!) and I am just taking seroquel to help me sleep, but it is also making me very tired. I do feel like an outcast when I hear sussess stories about doctors and medications. Besides, I have already lost everything I wanted in this life: my family, a dream job and no doctor would be able to get it back for me. I do still have my daughter who is very caring and understanding, but thinking about my behavior in the past makes me very very sad, yet, I can't put the past behind, because that was my life, and now I am just surviving...
YuliaM |
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| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
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Posted - 08/31/2008 : 16:40:08
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Hi Yulia
You are just braver than me at sharing your stories...I tend to sugar coat most things and leave out the drug and alcohol abuse, rehab and the abusive first marriage I had.I also leave out the funnier side of things like having an Indian Guru offer me a place in his ashram because he felt I was so enlightened....I was married with 3kids and running a construction company at the time and writing to Prince Charles because I had a concern about the world....and other stories that I just have to wish were a dream but know they were,nt and I have to carry that shame with me.As I am being stabalized by this medication it is easier and easier to know that I was an undiagnozed schizophrenic andto try and forgive myself by knowing I will never do those things again and if the urge should come over me it is the illness and I probably need to be hospitalized again ....my symptoms are classic...hallucinations and delusions.I first tried to get help when I was 14...I was finally honest with a doctor when I was completely psychotic...not in the real world...and spilled the beans about trying to save the world etc etc etc.So finally at the age of 47 I got the help I had needed for all those years...I had been self medicating with drugs and alcohol....What a mess.So I had to rebuild my life.
I will never work again...if hubby leaves they will pension me off...if I go too far from centre they will hospitalize me....I have lost the me I knew for all those years and I have had to recreate me that fits into this world.I started by putting a support network around me...the hospital would'nt let me out without one and then I added to it.After a time I tried new things, some worked and some did'nt but tai chi, aqaurobics, patchworking and leadlighting have stuck as well as my affiliation with a Church...
You too have lost so much of your old world...but you still have you and your daughter.You still have your future that you can shape...it is just hard work but no harder than looking back at what was...we all make mistakes...I hope that by keeping in touch with this community you will get some support...at least you have a doctor to prescribe your Seroquel and if push comes to shove you can no doubt ask for help from that direction.
I have found that by listening to other people on these boards I have been able to make small changes to my life that have improved the quality no end....by sharing the disaster that has been my journey with mental illness I might just be able to save some pain to some one....or give them hope...but I do know that the people here do care, my parrott died on the weekend...my husband said I was an idiot to be so upset...but my friends here understood how I was hurting and provided me with caring and I am truely grateful for that.
I hope that you can find the strength from deep with in to try and visualize the world you want for you and your daughter now.The courage to find some support in your world to keep you propped up...and you have found My Therapy...we are always here for you...you are never alone dealing with this.
Best Wishes and hugs
Sue
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 08/31/2008 : 20:11:45
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Hello Sue,
I am sorry to hear about you parrot. I would too be very upset. I once bought a paralett (the smallest parrot), he was very sweet, but he died the next day (he was probably not weaned yet). I cried for three days. Where do you live that you have an aviary? I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment in San Diego, California with my daughter, one fish, one parakeet and a 4 lb toy poodle mix. My dog has seizures, he is on phenobarbital, and it scares me to have a constant supply of phenobarbital at home.
I also have delusions, and some of them I wouldn't even dare to share with anyone, I hope those are delusions, but at times I doubt...And paranoia, and depression, and impaired judgment. And most of the time I am alone.
YuliaM |
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| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
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Posted - 08/31/2008 : 20:58:31
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Hi Yulia
Thank you for understanding about my parrot...I don't like letting anything die and unfortunately since I have been ill I have left a lot of the care of the animals to my children...time to expand my horizons and get back out in the yard...which I have done today...reorganized a few things...first time in ages.
We have a small hobby farm in the mid north of South Australia, we have 2 dogs, 4 cats, 1 horse who is blind but happy, 4 chooks and 10 parrotts...plus the 2 children still at home.My children are 11 and 15 and my eldest daughter 20 lives in the next town but comes home to work everyday in the office and have breakfast lunch and tea :)
I am sorry to hear your little dog is having seizures....yes I'd be medicating as well... a glodfish and a parakeet, how cute I bet your daughter loves that.So your little apartment is full of love and life.Animals and children provide the most unconditional love.
Are you working at the moment?
Everyone tells me how lucky I am not to be working...so I get the housework...lucky me...no wonder I buy big bits of fabric and chop them up only to sew them back together again...and then I buy big bits of glass and chop that up and solder that back together again :)
Do you have any hobbies?
Are there any nice places to walk near your home....it's either dusty or muddy around here so sometimes I drive to a neighbouring town just to go for a walk without getting blown off my feet...yes it is very windy with wide open plains so the wind can really whip along.
I think California has a similar climate to South Australia so I will google SanDiego and see where you live...it sounds very exciting.
Things do get better...Zep...one of the members here says the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.... thats how it is rebuilding our lives...in the end mission accomplished.
I get lonely too so apologies for rambling on,
Best Wishes
Sue
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 08/31/2008 : 21:54:35
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Hi Sue,
There is an Australian art gallery close to where I live and when I was feeling well I bought eight small paintings. They are very abstract, but very nice. When I was feeling well, I used to knit beautiful sweaters, design and make furniture, do pottery...walk a lot with my dog along the ocean or in the nearby park. Not anymore. I have been really depressed since last November, I was on disability for 5 month, lost my job, then got very fortunate to find another one, so I am working now, but it takes up all my energy. I am getting a little better.
It must be fun to live on a farm and have a horse...
YuliaM |
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| Fruitcup (inactive)
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2298 Posts
Gratitude: 604
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Posted - 09/01/2008 : 02:28:07
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Dear Yulia
I am glad that you are feeling better now, off disability and have a new job...that's excellent.It makes dreams easier to achieve if you have an income and even as though it must be tiring for you, getting out and about and mixing with people is good...I miss it.
You sound like a very creative person and I am pleased you have a little bit of Australia hanging on your wall.I am sure down the track you will find yourself knitting again, making furniture and pottery.Pottery is something I have always wanted to try...I think handmade is so much nicer.
Many years ago when I was time poor and frustrated with a new baby I knitted a striped jumper...even if I only knitted one stipe a day/week when ever, it really felt like I had accomplished something finishing that stripe and before I knew it that jumper was completed.
Like you with your walking I still have to get out and about to enjoy our little farm now that I am feeling better...I enjoy the quiet and the native birds and being in tune with the seasons...something that can get overlooked in the cities...but sometimes it would be lovely to be closer to things such as art galleries and parks.
The reality is the children are completely happy in the schools they are going to and if we moved it would mean they would need to shift schools and that is one thing I will not let this illness take away from them.The small country schools provide a wonderful free education with a real sense of community.
Hoping this finds you well
Sue
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| stigmastomper (inactive)
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
24317 Posts
Gratitude: 1940
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Posted - 09/01/2008 : 05:30:48
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welcome yulia.
nice to meet you. |
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 09/01/2008 : 22:34:47
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Dear Sue,
This job I have now, it pays just enough for rent and food. I don't see any future there. I wake up every morning with this feeling of panic: I can live through the day, but what's next?
My fish just died. I cleaned the tank and he probably got very stressed: I hadn't cleaned the tank for about two years. He was not a gold fish, but a betta fish, a male. He lived with us for four years. A parakeet is also four. How long do they live?
Tomorrow is the first day of school. We have to get up at 6am. Last year, we were always late, because of me. I just can't get up that early after seroquel.
Good night!
YuliaM |
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| Etoile
Starting Member
29 Posts
Gratitude: 17
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Posted - 09/01/2008 : 22:36:40
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Hello, Stigmastomper,
Nice to meet you too.
YuliaM |
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| bluewater_sweet
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1321 Posts
Gratitude: 256
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Posted - 09/02/2008 : 07:34:12
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Hello Yulia -
I had several similar situations. The most recent one started working really hard and had an avarage working hours of 65 per week. I was working clerical level as well as manager level, but I was not compensated at the right level. I would request help, and was always denied. However, they would hire more and more Chiefs (upper management) instead of more Indians (workers). This job lasted for almost two years, and then I was recruited to a new company that had a $17K gain to my paycheck with less hours and stress. So - I took it, and had no idea that I was manic or bipolar. Another recruiter came and presented another great company with the same salary and an impressive package. So - I took it. In less than one month, I crashed from my high (manic), and the company terminated my services there while I was out on disability for bipolar.
Not to say that you shouldn't change your job if it sounds good. Run it by someone close before you accept the position. And make sure you don't hop like I did. |
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How I quit a great job
