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mzdvs
Starting Member
14 Posts
Gratitude: 5
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 Posted - 04/19/2008 : 06:45:17
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ok... so it has been AWHILE since ive been around.... ive been very direct and honest in the past about my BPD and the things i have done .... i just wanted to hear what people had to say about where i find my self now ... and yes... for those who may remember me ... this is the same i guy terrorized for a long time ... yet who still forgives me and the abuse ive dished out ... we laugh about it now... but i have attacked this man with knives... tried to run him over with our car ... and i once made him sweep the floor like ten times in a row before i felt like it was good enough... i used to lock my self in rooms and cut... or head bang,.... hating my self all the while... ive come along way ... still not perfect. .. . but i am proud of myself... anwways...
ok... here goes:
I have been dating this guy on and off for the past seven years - mainly on. He really is a wonderful man.... very affectionate - both physically and emotionally. He has many qualities that I admire in a man, and he has pretty much established the criteria for the men I choose to date when we are off, such as: intelligent, witty, funny, real, unmaterialistic, aware of the many social injustices that exist in the world, forgiving, upstanding, and confident.
Our families are from opposite sides of the country ... me-from the west, and him - from the east. We met in my hometown. We dated for a year. Everything was great - he took me home the very first xmas... and a few months later he tells me he loves me. A little while later, he tells me he is moving back east - he has always dreamt of seeing the world... he doesnt know what he is doing with his life ... he still loves me but he needs to go back home. I guess I was not surprised.. when we had gone back there for xmas he was soo happy to see his old friends, his family... and you can tell he was nostalgic for home. He is from a rural area in a small province and from a city girls perspective -- i had never known the feeling of being raised in one place where you and your friends have grown up together... where everybody really does know everybody else... i was impressed and i could see that he was home....
His plan was to move back the next christmas... I was thouroghly devastated for the rest of the year -- he had no intentions of carrying on with me. We were to be over... but in the meantime .. he still loved me.. we still dated .... it was still great - when we were together. When I was alone -- i was falling apart ... i was in a constant state of depression ... feeling like i was being halfway with myself. I felt like **** ... like if i could be better ... nicer... smarter.... he would in the end - change his mind. As it was getting closer for him to move away ... It got worse - the way I felt about myself. Yet, I called courier companies... i compared prices... found where he could buy boxes....so that he could move home. A couple months before the big date ... he asked me to come home for one last xmas with him..... after seeing me depressed and me crying at his feet of course. But i went anyways. I saved all my money, I sold, more like practically gave away everything I owned, reduced all my belongings in the world to a few suitcases and boxes and gave up my lease. I told him that I planned on moving to another city on the west coast, changing my life, after xmas. I secretly hoped that he would see how wonderful I was and would change his mind and ask me to stay there with him. He didnt.
Throughout the entire holiday, I smiled, I laughed, I tried my darndest to make sure that everyone loved me... to show him how easily I would fit into his life. We took a greyhound there, and in the end .... I got back onto a greyhound alone. I didnt even make a scene. I was sooo shattered inside... i had nothing left to fall apart. It was the most depressing 88hours of my life --- stuck on a bus, in the middle of winter.
However, before I left i had overheard his sister talking about her friend had cancelled on her ... they were to head over to scotland on a two year work visa. I asked a few questions... We did know each other nominally and I asked her if she minded if was to head off with her. It seemed the best thing I could do... it was, admittedly, a desperate attempt to remain in my ex's life, but I could see the potential of an escape out of my heartbreak...a chance to move on. She agreed and I returned home to work my ass off at three jobs for three months straight. I drowned my sorrows in work. I worked soo much that I lost alot of weight.. not that I was ever overweight... or even chubby.. but i felt anything was an improvement. The plan was that I would spend one week back at my ex's place before leaving the country with his sister. While there... I was on my best behavior to play it cool. We did sleep together... i took him to a hotel for a couple nights.... i acted like i didnt care.. i didnt want to seem needy. Then I left.
I was still heartbroken... but it didnt take me long to bounce back to my happier self. I remember one day while I sat on the highest sea cliffes in europe that i felt like "hey... im just fine. I can move on. I dont need him to have an exciting life." It was slow going but I was moving on. I was making new friends.. doing more than I had ever done... but there was a darker aspect to my trip... I was drinking WAY too much. I felt a strong need to feel attractive, I slept with alot of guys. Well, maybe like 10 or soo. in a period of 5 months. People I probaly normally would not. Eventually though... i did meet someone.. he was really great and we were seeing each other... then one day... the girl i was with passes on a message that my ex told his mom, to tell her, to tell me - to call. I did. He said that he missed me and that he loved me and he asked me if i would move in with him. I agreed. I felt like "holy **** - i let love go... it came back - it was meant to be!" ... of course... i was then left to break it off with the other guy i was seeing... although i did let it go on for another few weeks....
So i arrive back on the east coast. As soon as the ex-ex sees me.. he ravishes me. I feel soo great. So validated. So loved... I was there for a few weeks before i headed back west to get my stuff... work my ass off for a few months and then move back. Yet, before i head back west ... he is a bit distant.. i feel like i have disapointed him. Then another girl calls him one night .... he spent the entire summer tree planting --living in camp, she lived there too.... and i sit next to him on the stairs... i have this sick feeling... yet i cuddle up next to him and he practically shoves me off the stair to the floor. I go sit outside on the patio.. confused, and scared. We start fighting.... I am upset because he pushed me. He breaks up with me.... i break down... I cry.... we continue to fight. He changes his mind. I feel like **** .. yet grateful that he changes his mind. I had a two year visa and I had planned on stayign the entire time -- yet the moment the old ex wants me I came running back.
Soo I go back home... a few months later.. he breaks up with me again.. I cry.. i beg.. i plead... i am living on a couch... with almost no belongings anymore... working at two full time jobs.... I am soo lost ... i dont know what i am going to do... i keep working... im too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on... nobody knows... i carry it like a secret .. hoping that he will change his mind... in the meantime... i drink alot... but this time i have a best friend ... she is my company... we smoke alot of pot and i pretend life is grande ... eventually i tell her .... i couldnt hide the fact that i was constantly on the verge of tears -- for months... i am soo compulsive that i spend hours -- picking at my face when i am alone and bored .... my once clear face is to this day scarred with tiny pick scars all over my cheeks where i visciously attacked invisible blemishes.
He changes his mind. I re-book my flight and i move to the east coast. He is sweet, and proud... and sorry. He is constantly telling everyone how great i am... how i dug my heels in and paid off all my credit card debt ... working hard.. budgeting myself harshly ... determined to break the bonds of economic slavery.... the girls i meet from the next town over... they say they heard soo much about me .... how proud he is of me. Some even sound sooo jealous... we are back to the way we were in the city .. when we laughed constantly all the time... when we would sing at busstops randomly ... we were both again soo carefree .... soo silly... so in love... yet my conscience eats me ... i feel like i am there under false pretense... when i had still been back west... before i ever went to the UK.. i wanted to hurt him.. i wanted him to hurt the way i had hurt... to the same depth to which i despaired... I had previously lied to him ... i told him i was pregnant from that last xmas.. that i was getting an abortion... not true. But i wanted him to feel like ****. Now, i did. After a few months in our new fouund bliss.. i realized that i could sleep ... i thought about it constantly... so i fessed up... and you know what??? he forgave me!! I thought he was the greatest man ever. I didnt even deserve his forgiveness... yet he did. He struck me as the most moral upstanding man.... i admired his sense of integrity .. and his ability to forgive. I was soo grateful.
We continued to live together.... we were the disgusting couple that was soo much in love that people got sick of our affection. We were renting a basement in this house in town and one of his friends was needing a place to live.... this guy was a miserable person... and he didnt like me in back west where he lived too .... but he needed a place to live.. adn i thought who am i to judge anyone?? people change all the time... and i offered that he could move in the house we lived in... but overtime... this guy slowly turned everyone against me ... i did what i knew best... i became nicer... i baked goodies... i kissed ass.... yet.. he treated me like ****... and my boyfriend didnt stick up for me .. just let it slide.... eventually i walked into the kitchen to hear this horrible man telling this chick i didnt know yet hated me anyways and treated me awful in my own house what an ugly chick i was... how i look like a monkey.. whatever ... the town i lived in was small.. and ethnically homogenous... coming from a multicultural city ... it some time to get used to the racism of the place.... yet it still shocked me .... the public experiences i faced here and there.... soo i was feeling quite self-conscious and ugly .... Anyways, it got worse.. I was miserable. and now my boy and i were fighting all the time. Eventually we moved out of the poisonous environment --- not an easy place to be during my first year of university -- that was stressfull enough. In fact, I was soo stressed and feeling hated by everybody that i began to control the only thing i could - food.... it got to the point that i was depriving my body too much ... i fainted at school and fell on my face -- breaking my front tooth from the bone in the process... i had to get this wire thing to splint it to the other teeth ... thankfully it grew back into the bone since i didnt have dental insurance... but this one chick --at my house -- laughed at me in front of like ten of my boyfriends other friends at my misfortune.. stating she wished she had been there to see it .... i didnt say anything... only retreated into the house.
So eventually we move ... into the town where we go to university and this is where we are for the entire second year... only by this point ... everything is catching up to me... my worries... my anxiety.... my compulsiveness ..... my past history of family abuse... and i am not pleasant to be around... we end up being VERY broke... living in a trailor... and i am miserable.... my mother is bipolar -- i know its not much of an excuse ... but i didnt learn the right way to cope with emotions from her thats for sure.. plus to top it all off she was raised in a residential school and is all messed up ... for those of you out there who knows what that is. Anyways... I grew up watching her abuse my dad.. and fighting her myself.... i swore i would never be like her... but i was slowly becoming her. I began to treat my boy like ****... i felt weird.... knew what i was doing was wrong ... i was verbally abusing him.... sometimes attacking him .... i knew that i had to back off ... i made plans to spend the next summer off from school - four months -- workign and living in BC... shortly after i left ..... he broke up with me... I had seen it coming .. knew i deserved it .... but was heartbroken nonetheless.... i would like to add that i was not this way the frist time he left me ...i moved out when i was 16 -- to escape my mom.... determined not to be her.... he also said that it was pathetic that he was nearly 28 and had only been with a few women and that i was his only relationship .....
I drank... i slept around... i felt worthless... and worst of all -- now i really deserved it. It knew it was my own fault. Yet, did not want to fall into a pattern of behaviour in which i sabotage my life and create my own misery like i had seen my mother do .... i began to seek help .... eventually i was seeing a psychiatrist .... and a counselor ... i was talking... i was going to group therapy .... i was learning that it was not uncommon for people who had been raised by bipolar parents to have behavioural problems when coping with emotions... i learned to take responsibility for my own actions... i learned alot...
When I came back for my third year of school... i was moving into a house with another student and a working girl .... i felt renewed.... my ex and i were still on good terms despite our breakup... i felt grateful that he would still consider being my friend despite what i did to him .... that he forgave me. I was ready to move on and face the consequences of my actions... even if that meant living without the man i loved... Yet, when i came back.... he helped move me into my new place... he had stored all my stuff for me during the summer. We went for a beer afterwards.. and he kissed me... told me how proud of me he was. I melted like i always do... we spent the entire year back in a healthy relationship again.... but this time we lived in our own places. Yet, he didnt want to plan a future with me .... i understood but was still hurt. We continued to see each other and get along... we even planned to live together again during our fourth and final year at univeristy. I had to move away for the summer for an internship and he was going to Ecuador for the last two months of the summer to do an internship as well ... we were both in the same development studies course and this was a requirement. A month and a half after i left.... i met someone who was nice and extremely interested in me. ANd i thought... this boy of mine... he has always been straight forward... he has told me that he doesnt see a future between us... but still cares me about me in the meantime and i decided that i was not ok with that -- not in a angry way... but in a maybe i should move on before he does it first and i am left with a broken heart.
So i called him and broke it off... and told him why. He agreed, saying that all my reasons were understandable. We were still friends and i wished him luck on his trip. I spent the rest of the summer (2007) dating this guy and it seemed alright .... although he was a recovering crack addict ... but he also volunteered at the community organization i worked for and i though about my own ****ty past and i thought of all the times my ex forgave me .... and how the world would be a ****ty place if we always held each others pasts against each other... soo i overlooked alot of this new guy's behaviour... he was verbally abusive.... emotionally manipulative... i was spending all of my money on him ... i heard from others that he was a player. ... but he said he wasnt and i was ready to trust another like i had been trusted. I moved back for my final year of school....
I was preparing to write a thesis ... and my new boy invited me back to BC for xmas... we had decided to try a long distance relationship since i was planning on moving back there for my Masters after i graduated anyways... i arranged to conduct original research at the place i worked all summer ... and i began to work on my thesis which now depended on my going back to bC. This new boy moved in with my friend .. into my old room... and she told me that shortly after i left .. he was already ****ing around... that different women were alwasy around... i was shocked but not hurt since i hadnt known him long.. but he denied it ... saying they were only friendds... other women trying to get clean and leave the life of drugs and that he was helping them. He began to fight with me on the phone all the time... threatening me to cancel the flight so that he could "**** me over" as far as my thesis went... and i really felt like i was in a tight corner. ... he eventually broke up with bfore the first month i was gon was even over yet he still maintained that he wanted to see me.... wanted me to finish the project and see my friend... adn that his AA group told him he should keep his work.. one day he nice and the next he was threatening me... this went on for another month after he broke off with me --- which i was relieved because he had made it difficult to break up with him .... calling me 40 times a day even though i emailed him my class schedule ...
Needless to say, I began to sleep with my ex again about a week before the other guy broke up with me .... I figured what the ****... this is going badly... and its pretty obvious that this other guy already checked out.... which he ultimately did ... And to be honest.... i never stopped loving my ex. He seemed sooo perfect... especialy after my experiences of the summer. I totally appreciated him more so. I alwasy hoped that he would change his mind. .. and that first night of being back together -- he told me that no one felt as good as i did... he spent all night in my bed.... even in the morning... we were all snuggles and cuddles and it felt like we where back where we began oh soo long ago ...
Yet here is the big thing.. he left his msn signed in when he went to school or something and i looked in his hotmail and read what seemed like countless letters between him and this woman he slept with with like a week after i broke up with him.. I knew it was none of my business.. and thta i was invading his privacy... and a hypocrite . I knew it. I read every single letter. I was shocked to learn that despite the fact that he was sleeping with me .. he was practically exchanging love letters with this girl who lived in a city about 2 hours away... and i guess that despite their one night together which was soo great they made plans to get back together for a rendevous when he got back ......before he got back home .... she had gotten back together with her ex -- yet they were still in touch ... still flirtatious... exchanging books... what seemed to me like making reasons to see other in more innocent ways ......and although she was upfront with my ex about all that .... she always dropped lines that it was temporary.. not permanent --" a trial basis" ... and my ex was telling her that well... as much as that sucks for me .. i think you are wonderful ... i value your friendship ... and would still flirt with her .. calling her alluring ... and all sorts of stuff .... and she would reply that he had gained 50 000 points in her book for being soo understanding .... and they were both pretty much leaving the door open with each other....
I was hurt that he was sleeping with me again while keeping up this correspondence with her .... i told him what i did .... that i knew it was wrong ... we discussed it ... i didnt get mad because i knew i had no right to be ... but i did want to know if i was a temporary transition .... somebody he was with until the woman he really wanted was to become available again... he had told me that he was not ready for a mutually exclusive relationship a month before ... but i didnt realize that he meant to excercise that ... i thought that because i was soo horrible two years before that he still had trouble trusting me ... that was what i had thought.... i thought that i couldnt blame him... just because we had the third year soo nice maybe he needed more time to know that i wasnt an emotionally unstable oor worse... crazed woman anymore... anyways... he said that he didnt feel like that anymore and that he was refering to me as his girlfriend to those he talked to ... like his roommates friend... and that i neednt worry because even though he didnt know how the future would turn out ..... he considered me his girlfriend now. ... well... even though i could see that he didnt seem to have any intention of spending any future with me ... well... i kept accepting the situation ....
a week later... i learned i was pregnant. the timelines pointed to that first night togehter as the day of conception.... now.... i had already been pregnant fours previous with the same guy ... and i really did have an abortion... it was hard but it was a decision that i will never regret ... i knew that we just couldnt have a baby ... it was just as i was about to start my first year at university .... it was an awkward time ... it was-- i dunno -- about two years or so after i had lied to him about having one we were living on different sides of the country ... it felt like karma or something... but like i said ...althought the experience was a bit -- dramatic --- lets just say that i barely made it to the hospital on time.... it was somethin that i felt needed to be done... but it was hard.... the doc scheduled my date a bit late ... i was defineatly over 3 months when it happened ... but in a small town with limited resources and drs who do that .. well thats just the way it went ...
sooo there i was -- pregnant again ... and i was torn ... i didnt want to trap this man with a pregnancy ..... yet ... at this point... since i was soo close to graduating... it just seemed that all my reasons for wanting to remain childless were sooo neoliberal and selfish ... i mean ... over the years .. i have begun to feel like the sacredness of sex is taken for granted and that sex for pleasure and sex for reproduction have been way to separated .... that this dichotomy makes it easier for people to disregard the emotions of other people .... plus... that previous abortion... it kinda made me feel worthless... like the contents of my womb and the life i create are nothing more than excess garbage..... i didnt want to kill the contents of my womb again.. yet... i didnt want to trap a man .... or worse... have a man be in a relationship with me only because i got knocked up so to speak....
i told my guy .... and i got the ultrasound that you have to get if you are considering an abortion ..... but i didnt know what to do ... eventually ... i decided to keep it .... he had made comments here and there that he would support whatever i decided ... hahaha his frist response was why --- i said what argument could justify life? ... its purely subjective anyways.... then he said that he understood my choice and wanted to be apart of it .... we decided to get back together on a more official level and announce our news .... when i told the clinic that i didnt need the abortion anymore they said we better come in and discuss the ultrasound... i was worried but the news was not horrendous as far as disfigurement, and defects go... it turned out that i was carrying twins... we cried and we laughed at the same time because we had joked about that happening since we both have twins in our families. ...
soo another month goes by ....... and ... well... i notice a business card from another university on his dresser... he had recently cleaned out his wallet ..... and i know it is the university that that girl went to ... sooo i grab it and read the name and it is .... i know there is nothing there anymore but i feel the need to throw it away anyways.... it was in a pile garbage to begin with ... so i tell my self i am only expediating the process already set in place .... then i am looking through papers adn such on this dresser too and i pick up this journal ... and i know i shouldnt .. but i read it ... and it is from when he is in ecuador ... adn he writting about this woman... and some other woman he met down there... adn then he mentions me .... not in a flattering light .... but not wholly angry.. more like feeels pity for me ... that i put him on a pedastal too much adn that he has own dirty little secrets to tell .... but he wouldnt tell me becuae he doesnt want to exacerbate my "condition" .... --- i am offended because it has been a year since i was sooo emotional and moody and i put alot of work in my therapy and that he was undermining it ..... but i am wondering what is the dirty secret ??? ..... at the end of the journal he writes a list of women he has been with ...
when he gets home from work ... welll ... i dont want to admit that i was snooping again .... but i ask him if he ever cheated on me .... and he says no.... and i ask --ever?? during all the on times we been together??? and i ask him to swear on something he cares about -- and he still says no ..... so then i fess up and tell him i read his journal .... i know that i am using it this time as a strategic tool and that i am not anywheere near as remorseful as the last time ... and he admits that he did.... sooo this is about 4 almost five months ago .... begining of december ... and he tells me - with some questioning - he called me to come back when i was in scotland ... and then afterwards slept with this girl he worked with ... the one who called his house and he pushed me that i refered to earlier .... .... how after i went west to work and get my stuff to come back... they planned a weekend together .... and he did it again .... and then broke up with me after .....
I know all this happened years ago now... but it feels soo fresh .... i only learned of it a few months ago .... i guess it hurts because at that time.... i was living out of suitcases .... planning my life around a man who was always changing his mind and thinking it was because of me .... if only i was thinner, prettier, smarter, more educated, more worldly, less ethnic, but now it seems that it had nothing to do with me ... he is interested in me as long as no other woman is interested in him .... now, before all of you readers beat me up ... i know that i have been no picnic.... that i am hypocrite... that i have broken boundaries of privacy .... but i feel soooo backed in a corner.... its not me anymore... and i truly dont want to be in a relationship with a man who is finicky ...... who may change his mind. ... who will have affairs on me ... his dad had an affair on his mother too .... plus... i guess i did put him on a pedastal .... i always thought him to be soo much more better than me at certain things. ... i always marveled at how he always forgave me for invading his privacy .... and now.. i have trouble forgetting his cheating ..... i mean ... i want to forgive... and i think i have -- it seems i owe it to him considering my **** dont stink either ... but i cant forget about it ... i keep wondering if i will find my self alone ..... if he will feel trapped .... or like he missed out something... or if he will always wonder about other women because he feels like he hasnt slept with enough yet and then some other smart, successful, childless woman -ready for adventure, will come along and i will be left on my doorstep..babies on hips... wathcing them run off into the sunset .... when i cant sleep i find myself wondering about all of this... unable to stop thinking about it ... i am more than capable of living with the consequences of my actions... i can take care of these babies on my own ... its just that that plan is to have them here on the east .... and i feel once i have them -- i will be trapped ... it will be harder to leave if i need to make a quick escape. .. i am graduating in a few weeks and these babies are not due till June 21... it would be best to leave before they are born if i had too ....
i still love this guy.... more than ever...... but it seems that it is my love for him that causes my misery ... yet .... i find sooo much joy in his company... these past four months... we have been living together again.. . and it is wonderful..... we have come along way together.... each day is joyous.... i know it sounds lame.... but we really do sing to each other and we get sooo giggly and silly and we are both consciouss of treating each other with respect adn dignity ... he says that he is sorry and that the longer he didnt tell me the harder it was...and that he is glad that all of our dirty secrets are on the table .... i want to trust him.. and for the most part i do ... but then i think about all the other times when i thought we were happy together and he would just leave.. change his mind...
i guess i just needed to get this out here..... what do you people think?? i know it all sounds soo negative.... it really isnt .... i just felt that i had to be fair and put it all out there .... my bad behaviour too ...
peace,
"...thinking begins only when we have come to know that reason, glorified for centuries, is the most stiff-necked adversary of thought."  |
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sorry -- very long
